Disclaimer- Unfortunately I do not own Degrassi. If I did? Eli's red scarf would be making an appearance way more often ;)
A/N
There is sex in this chapter. Not necessarily smut but still. It's not like anything I've ever written before…
*awkward silence*
Ps. I do not own the Chuck Palahniuk quote at the end of this chapter.
You've never been so used since I'm using you, abusing you my little decoy. Don't
Look so blue you should have seen right through. I'm using you my little decoy.
~Decoy , Paramore
True love waits. Those words have been drilled into my head since as long as I can remember. All my life I've obeyed their rules, and followed their religion. The one I used to believe so adamantly in. I'm filled with memories of prayer meetings, youth group , and sermons. I can even remember the days when I believed this way of life was my decision. I remember when devout faith and prayer came so very easily to me. When my parents were my constant. The two people whose example always inspired me.
Looks like that ships sailed. The two people who were once my role models now can't even be in the same room. It's like I don't even matter at all to them. They don't bother to take a look at how their youngest daughter is doing now that they're caught up in their own lives. Who do they to think they are to believe that I should still abide to the preexisting rules that they themselves are now neglecting? It's ridiculous.
I used to cling to my virginity. I held on to it as though it were oxygen. No matter what virginity was a precious gift from God. It's a gift that is intended to be shared for marriage only. It's gift from man to wife. A promise. A secret kept between two people to cherish forever.
Welcome to the twenty-first century.
Those rules, those beliefs are pretty much ancient. Sex isn't a big deal. And love is thrown around like a cold. You get it and it goes away. You might as well make the most of it while it's there.
I don't love Jake. I probably never will. I've known him forever. I've shared a childhood with him, and our families love each other. He's sweet, and Christian, and kind, but I don't love him.
And then there's Eli...
Well, I don't want to think about him right now.
Take a risk right?
It's now or never.
This isn't love, and it's not lust - but I need to know what the big deal is. I just want to get it over with.
True love waits can go to hell.
-Later.
I look in the mirror as I wait for Jake to come. The reflection staring back at me is that of a little girl, but I shake those thoughts away. No. Be a big girl I tell myself. I absolutely cannot back out. I'm absentmindedly fixing my hair when a knock at the door makes me jump.
It's time.
He greets me at the door. His charming smile and light hair.
"Hey Clare," he says softly. He's trying to be formal. Well, that's great but, I have no time for formalities - I just need this to be over with.
"Come on," I say sounding more confident than I actually am as I lead him to my bedroom. A short walk that suddenly seems miles long. Doubts start forming in my head, but I ignore them.
This is it. Now or Never.
Like Palahniuk said, "I don't want to die without any scars."
The next thing I know we're sitting awkwardly on my bed. The silence between us is loud and clear. The only sounds in the room are our breathing.
Suddenly Jake says, "We don't have to do this, you know?"
I just smile and brush off the voice in my head telling me to stop this before it goes too far.
"Take risks right?" I say as I lean up to kiss him.
We kiss slowly at first but then it builds up in intensity. The kiss itself is nice but it's not like when I kissed-
No. Stop those thoughts right there. I kiss him harder as I try to silence thoughts of 'him' And Jake responds enthusiastically.
His hands start to slip underneath the hem of my shirt and his cold fingers brush the soft skin underneath. An uneasy feeling slowly escalates in my stomach but I brush it aside. Take a risk. No time for regrets. My hands start to undo the buttons on his shirt and he pushes me down on the bed, an leans on top of me. I attempt to get more comfortable but stop when his tongue begins to trace lines from my collarbone to my neck, sucking softy - as if he wanted to leave a mark. Good, let everyone see little Saint Clare isn't so saintly anymore.
I finally manage to get his shirt off completely. I quickly intake a short breath when he pulls my shirt over my head. l me in my bra and a skirt. He leans down to kiss me harder, and I'm finding it harder and harder to keep up with the intensity of the kiss, but I try. I fumble with the buttons on his jeans and ignore the frantic beating of my heart as I pull his jeans off, leaving him in his boxers only. I avoid looking him in the eye as he takes off my skirt and underwear. All the nerves and anxiety consuming me. His hands awkwardly fumble with the clasp of my bra before taking it off completely, leaving me bare in his presence and I mentally rejoice at the darkness in the room.
My hands shake as I slip off his boxers , both of us equally naked. I begin to tremble as he leans over to the floor and grabs a condom out of his pants pocket. I'm outside of myself as I hear the paper ripping . I'm having an outer body experience as he slips on the condom and he brushes my hair out of my face.
I find it hard to meet his eyes as he asks me, " Clare, are you sure?"
I give him a small smile and nod my head, not trusting my mouth to say the right thing. He settles himself on top of me, and slowly kisses me for a short while before slowly pushing into me. It's awkward and intrusive and I'm extremely uncomfortable. Just when I think it can't get any worse the real lain sets in. An audible ripping noise fills the room. I clench onto his arms as the pain settles through my body, and tears drip from my eyes.
"Are you okay?" he asks , concern coloring his voice.
"Yeah," I respond shakily.
"Just, uh . . . Just give me a moment."
He awaits my next move and I slowly nod my head giving him permission to continue. He ignores the soft tears running down my face, and he thrusts into me repeatedly. I try to contain my tears , try to ignore the pain but it's hard. I move my hips against him, attempting to put some effort into 'It' when suddenly he groans and goes limp, obviously getting his release. It's over. Thank God.
We lay there for a few moments before I begin to find the silence unbearable. I get up and disregard the soreness settling in. Avoiding eye contact I hastily shove on my clothes, and Jake begins to do the same.
We stand there uneasily before he places a soft kiss on my forehead.
"I'll see you tomorrow at school then?" he says quickly.
"Yeah, of course," I say playing with my hands as I answer.
"Okay then. Well, uh I should probably get going then ," he says.
"See ya," I respond, and I watch him walk out the door.
I used to think that I would lose my virginity on my wedding night. I would be heads over heels with my amazing husband and it would be sweet and passionate, and just like the movies. I at least thought it would be with someone I loved. I thought my first time would be with my boyfriend, or at least a fiancée. Oh well. Too late now.
I walk back into my bedroom and wrinkle my nose in disgust. My room smells like sex. Looking at my wrinkled sheets is like reliving the whole sweaty, gross ordeal. I chuckle humorlessly as I think to myself," That was it? That's the thing that everyone makes such a big deal out of?"
I look into my mirror, and take in my messy hair, the light sheen of sweat covering me lightly, the emptiness in my eyes. I wipe a tear from my eye and grab my sheets of the bed. As I set them in the washer I wonder aimlessly.
"Will anyone be able to tell?"
"Would anyone even care?"
I don't love Jake. Love is too much trouble. Love is too painful. It's better that I just got it over and done with.
"Better to rip the bandage off," as Adam would say.
I'm perfectly fine with my decision. It's absolutely concrete. I'm glad it was with Jake. My good friend Jake.
So why is it that when I lay down on top of my bed with my blanket covering me - that Eli's image fills my mind. I think of his soft lips, his dark hair, his green eyes. I shouldn't even be thinking about him anymore. He has Imogen now. He's erased me from his memory, he never loved me. He never loved me at all.
Right before I drift off to sleep is another Chuck Palahniuk quote,
"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."
Sweet dreams to me.