The Mess I Made, a lost fanfic

Title: The mess I made

Rating: K

Timeline: Set in season 3/4

Summary: The fic describes in details the FF airport scene

Author's notice: It's a song fic and the tune is "The mess I made" by Parachute.

Jack was sat on the living room floor. The whole place was a mess, there were maps everywhere, rulers, papers scattered, an Oceanic Airlines ticket, an empty medicine pack and, in the middle of the chaos, he was devastated. In the sink, there were dishes with food waste and the faucet was dropping nonstop. The apartment seemed abandoned; it looked like a ghost was living there, not a person. Jack took a bottle and drank a big gulp of alcohol from the neck. He slowly took the cell phone. He opened his eyes and flicked his flip-phone. As if he wanted to be courageous, he took the opportunity to drink more.

I should've called you out

I should've said your name

Right after, when his fingers dialed "the number", using the cell phone keypad in an automatic way, Jack waited with the phone away from his face. When a voice answered, he put the phone to his ear.

-Hello?

Some female voice from the other side of the line was greeting him.

-Hello? It's me. Whoa! Whoa! Wait! Don't…don't hang up, please.

Although he was talking in an urgent tone, he wasn't shouting. His voice sounded as a desperate whisper. Jack was looking up; in a good luck, someone had answered his pleading and was still on the line. He continued:

-I know what you said. I just…I just need to see ya…please?

Jack heard the answer with attention and he already said:

-Yeah, yeah, out at the airport. You know where. Thank you.

He looked down. Tears slightly dampened his eyes, but they didn't drop. It seemed that he just didn't allow himself to cry, not for proud, but he didn't think he had the right to have compassion of himself. He deserved to suffer; after all, he was responsible for everything that had happened. He promised he would take everybody off the island; however, all he could do was saving his own life and saving some friends, just a small group. He couldn't even save his sister's life. Locke was right, his guilty was eating him from the inside in such an unbearable way that the only thing he could do to redeem himself was going back to island and trying to fix his mistake.

Jack's appointment would happen in half an hour. He would take this time to drive to the airport. The only thing he did before leaving home was taking his jeans jacket with the news about the death of Jeremy Bentham and he put it in his pocket, along with his keys. Without any vanity, he just didn't look at the mirror and worry about his clothes, but it didn't mean he didn't care. It was just the opposite, he was a little nervous. Jack seemed to be drowning in the sea and the hope of seeing her was like a rope that someone had thrown at the rescue.

She was willing to meet him. After so many lost calls, she finally decided to give him a chance. At least, an opportunity to listen to him, whereas every time Jack tried to be in touch with her, he wasn't sober, calling her in the middle of the night and saying incomprehensible words due to the effect of the drugs or the alcohol. But this night he would try to convince her that they needed to do the right thing: go back to the island.

Jack drove to the airport and parked. He took off the keys of the ignition switch, looking at the dark sky above him and taking a deep breath. He was on tenterhooks, asking himself if she would really show up. Jack quickly saw his face at the rearview mirror. And then, with his hands at the wheel, he kept his head down, just waiting her arrival.

After few minutes, another car approached. Jack immediately stepped out, in a serious face, when the car stopped. Standing in front of his car, he was waiting her with his shoulder shrunk at the tensions situation. He was so anxious that he decided to walk towards her car, but his steps were slow. The shadow was covering her face until she stood out in the middle of the darkness.

With his left hand over his waist, Jack waited for Kate. He wasn't able to deal with his own hands, nervousness simply overwhelmed him. In addiction with his abstinence, the fear made his shaken hands haunt him.

Kate was watching him; it looked like she was checking him out to be sure it was Jack in front of her. Seconds of silence passed while she was studying him. Kate was searching vestiges of the man she loved, but what she saw was emptiness. His body was there, but his soul had gone a long time ago, in a way that she didn't recognize him anymore. With a quiet and rough voice, she finally said:

-Hey.

-Saw you on the news. Still pulling people out of burning wreckage, huh?

-Old habits.

Jack gave a shy smile behind his bearded face. Kate looked down, a little embarrassed. She could hardly face him. With straight hair, wearing a blue tank top and makeup, despite of wearing jeans, she didn't look like that Kate who used to go to the wood without fear, with her wild hair struggling against the wind or with a messy ponytail, tied by a piece of cloth instead of a barrette. This Kate wasn't a tomboy, she was a woman. Not only her appearance changed, but also her attitude was different, she was more mature. The maternity added by some sense of responsibility were good things to her, she didn't seem that insecure fugitive she was before Oceanic plane crash. Her appearance was cold; she was emphatically talking while she raised her eyebrows:

-You look terrible.

-Thanks.

Jack laughed at her forthright words. He took a deep breath and looked down, his face was a little surprised by her comment. In silence, Jack kept his head down. When he glanced up, Kate looked away and then, she looked with her cold and distant eyes at Jack again, glancing at him. Using a harsh tone, she continued:

-Why did you call me, Jack?

He was looking at her in an agitated manner, putting his hands inside his pocket, handing her his newspaper clipping, which was the reason for taking courage to meet her. With a puzzled look, Kate immediately took the little paper and skimmed over it.

-I was hoping that you'd heard. That maybe you'd go to the funeral.

-Why would I go to the funeral?

Blinking in a quick way, she gave him the paper, not being affected by the news.

Jack looked around; shaking his head and taking the clipping back at her indifference. He completely felt awkward at the embarrassing situation he had gone through. How could he convince her to go back if she didn't care? Suddenly, it could be heard some noise of a plane and Jack decided to fight against her inflexible and hostile attitude, starting a new conversation, still looking away:

-I've been flying a lot.

-What?

-Yeah that golden pass that they gave us. I…I've been using it. Every Friday night I… I fly from LA to Tokyo or, Singapore, or Sydney.

Jack gave an ironic laugh.

-And then I…I get off and I, have a drink, and then I fly home.

-Why?

Kate, who was looking down until that moment, was staring at him now. She just couldn't believe in his strange conversation. Jack continued talking, looking at nowhere, glancing up, shaking his shoulders without facing her.

-Because I want it to crash, Kate. I don't care about anybody else on board. Every little bump we hit or turbulence, I mean, I actually close my eyes and I pray that I can get back.

Besides his distressed tone, he had teary eyes, which showed how disturbed he was feeling inside. Deep into his eyes, it could be seen a desperate man begging for help. Then, Jack finally laid his eyes on Kate. She narrowed her look, raising her eyebrow and trying to catch what he was saying. Jack was uttering his words in a harassed way. With a lost look, he was blinking, looking at the floor while he raised his right hand in an afflicted gesture, trying to emphasize his speech as if he was censuring himself, being aware of his madness.

Should've held my ground

I could've been redeemed

For every second chance

That changed its mind on me

Kate heavily closed her eyes. Right after, she looked at him again. Then, their eyes met. Jack was showing some deep vexation in his eyes, Kate, in her turn, narrowed hers, trying to argue:

-This is not gonna change.

Jack stopped her, he was outraged. Until that moment, he was talking in a soft tone, but then, it seemed that he was about to erupt, letting escape some loud voice:

-No, I'm sick of lying. We made a mistake.

I should've spoken up

I should've proudly claimed

That oh my head's to blame

For all my heart's mistakes

Mixed emotions overwhelmed Kate inside. She was feeling scorn, rage and pity at the same time for that man in front of her. She felt angry because he had ruined their relationship. They had everything to be happy, but his existential problems, which she didn't understand well, added by some guilty for the friends who they left behind, destroyed the man she loved and admired so much.

Her angst turned into tears. It wasn't an intense cry; a lonely tear came streaming down her rosy check. Jack, in his turn, had also teary eyes. Feeling his closeness, she didn't want to surrender, so she decided to fall back on her basic and usual instinct: to run away.

-I have to go. He's gonna be wondering where I am.

-Don't!

Jack, in a hurry, grabbed her arm, pulling her against his body. At this time, he realized she was avoiding him, but for a moment, things seemed exactly as they were in the past. Their bodies were almost crashing against each other, their breath were so close that Kate closed her eyes in order to avoid him and not losing her mind. Jack was very close; it was extremely hard to resist him. Despite her contempt for him, when Jack looked her that way and took her in his arms, Kate basically lost her senses and the notion of reality. For a tiny second the world seemed to stop spinning. Her heart was beating fast; some warmth ran her body and her skin ruffled due to the friction caused by his firm fingertips touching her arm. She showed some kind of humbleness, it seemed that the old Kate wanted to leave from the darkness and come to surface.

-We were not supposed to leave.

Jack uttered with firm belief. Their eyes met again, his nose was almost brushing hers when she awaked from her dream and, still trembling, she decided to argue:

-Yes, we were.

Kate's voice failed because she was about to cry. Jack was about to cry too. She released herself from his grip, pulling away and recovering her serious attitude.

-Goodbye, Jack.

Should've kissed you there

I should've held your face

I should've watched those eyes

Instead of run in place

Jack had teary eyes. He was begging with his eyes, he wished she had believed him, like she always did. But now was different. This time, she gave him a hard look, although her tears were insisting to come, showing all the emotion she was trying so hard to suffocate. Then, Kate definitely pulled away from Jack, more annoyed than ever. Blood was running through her veins, the more she convinced herself that she had gotten over him, the more meetings like this showed her the opposite.

She was still into him. More than she imagined and more than she wanted. Because of this, her rage just increased. She was trying to hide her feelings, but she continued caring about him. However, she wouldn't answer his claim. It was too much; Jack was completely insane suggesting this kind of thing after all they had gone through in and off island. Therefore, in a hurry, she turned around. Kate was inflexible; she wanted him to let her alone once for all.

Seeing her going away, Jack became disquiet; tears freely came streaming down his face while Kate was heading for her car. When she opened the door, he shouted, trying to convince her once more:

-We have to go back, Kate.

Kate, who was looking down, stopped for a while and raised her look, she was so indignant that she wrinkled her forehead. In a natural gesture, she nodded and decided to face him for the last time. However, she didn't answer, getting in her car, strongly hitting its door, without looking back, trying to drive away as fast as she could because she knew that if she took a time, she would take the risk of feeling sorry for him and surrender to his pleading.

I should've turned around

I should've looked again

By the time he heard the sound of the engine and, noticing that she had gone, ignoring his supplication, Jack's despair increased, making him scream louder:

-We have to go back!

And it's you, and it's you

And it's falling down, as you walk away

And it's on me now, as you go

A plane took off, over Jack's head. Completely devastated, he allowed himself to cry. The sound of tires screeching to a stop was heard, and then he saw the back of Kate's car. Jack stared blankly at her car. Kate put the car in reverse and squealed the tires as she rushed back to where Jack was standing. She made a hasty stop. Jack looked up, he knew Kate's temper, and he already knew she would go back in a furious way. He shrunk his shoulders and waited for her, planning inside his head how he should deal at her. Jack would try to talk to her in a calm manner, whereas his previous arguments couldn't convinced her about the important purpose they would have to accomplish if they wished to live in peace and without guilty. However, he hardly had time to think about it, Kate opened the car door and stepped out, leaving the door open and the motor running.

She was screaming, her words sounded as rude as a thunder, as if she wanted to hurt him because of the disturbance he had caused in her life. Her hair seemed to start a rebellion, dancing against the wind while she began walking towards Jack, doing gestures and talking at the same time:

-We have to go back? We have to go back?

She came to a stop when they were standing face to face. Jack wanted to justify himself, he was mumbling:

-Now hold on...

Kate didn't allow him to say a word, starting yelling in anger at Jack again:

-Who do you think you are? You call me over and over again for two days straight, stoned on your pills! And then you show up here with an obituary for Jeremy Bentham.

Jack quietly was looking at her, slightly shaking his body. Kate was so mad that some involuntary tears slid through her face, she was crying and uttering her angry speech at the same time. Jack looked down, letting her vent her hate on him. She was rocking her hands, her arms were shaking nonstop, trying to control the impetuous way that she was talking. Jack was speechless, just looking at her, until the moment he tried without success to say something, being already interrupted by her. But this time she continued in a lower tone of voice, after taking pause to sigh.

-When he came to me and I heard what he had to say, I knew he was crazy. But you... you believed him.

Jack just nodded his head.

-Yes.

-Him, of all people.

Kate was declaring it in a cynical way, narrowing and shutting her eyes as if she wanted to show how she rejected his attitude. Due to the fact that he had been prevented before, Jack decided to argue in a hurry, trying to explain:

-Yes, Kate, I did, because he said that that was the only way that I could keep you safe... you and Aaron.

There was a shine of tears on her cheek, which reflected the moonlight. In a quick gesture, she slapped Jack's face. She wanted to wake him up from his raving state and bring him back to consciousness. "How could he dare to give a lame excuse like that, saying Aaron's name to manipulate her and make her answer his plea? Did he really care about the boy?" - she thought. The wind was noisily blowing against her straight hair. Jack lowered his head and didn't face her.

-Don't you say his name. I still have to explain to him why you are not there to read to him, so don't you say his name!

Jack was watching her, he wanted to justify himself, but he couldn't, so he just looked away, glancing around and then, he faced her again. He whispered:

-I'm sorry.

Their look met, for a while, they both said anything. An uncomfortable silence was in the air when Kate finally decided to break it:

-I've spent the last three years trying to forget all the horrible things that happened on the day that we left. How dare you ask me to go back?

Kate kept her head up and showed a firm position while she was doing her speech. If someone didn't know her, this person would say that she was a cold woman because of her gelid and rude way. Her eyes were studying Jack from head to toe; Kate was facing him with threatening eyes, which sent him once more the message that he definitely had to keep distance from her and Aaron. Jack said anything, despite his judgment was damaged by the drugs, he had understood the message: she would never forgive him. Since the moment he had left her house that night, after their discussion about her promise to Sawyer, Jack knew he was beyond the limit when, because of his jealousy and his harsh words, he had showed he couldn't be able to trust her. Sometimes words hurt more than any other attitude and saying "you're not even related to him", he reached her weak spot: Kate's relationship with Aaron.

Thus, he decided not to answer, it wouldn't be worth; he lost his right to ask her anything. Besides, Jack lately didn't mind about himself, allowing people hurt him because he believed he should be punished for everybody, due to the evil that he did to his friends. Standing still at her, he was blinking and looking at her in a nervous and quiet manner. He seemed aloof, but deep into his eyes, there was a little hope that she would give in and finally think about going back to the island, despite her speech and complaints.

But Kate was different. Now she was no longer a lost woman as the fugitive he met. She was a mother, she had a dwelling and she had solved her problems with the justice. She wouldn't let the level she was to support his crazy idea, like she always did, even more considering the insane act of going back to a place that they had struggled so hard to leave.

Kate turned around, solemnly ignoring him. She walked back to her car. After sitting in the driver's seat, she hardly closed the door, put the car into gear and drove off into the night. The glare of her taillights could be seen, leaving into the darkness. Jack continued standing there, in silence, it looked like his feet rooted on the floor. His eyes were watching the horizon, but they didn't focus in anything.

But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made

I 'm staring at the mess I made

As you turn, you take your heart and walk away

The cold wind aggressively blew against his face and he decided once more to go to the funeral parlor. Maybe seeing Locke again would make him come up with some idea of how he could go back to the island. Locke. In the end, despite their different beliefs and opinions, they represented opposite sides of the same coin. And they would die alone. No one showed up at John's funeral and Jack probably felt he would have the same destiny. The difference was the fact that he would do the possible and the impossible to fix his mistake before ending up this way and celebrate his doom. It would be hard without her around, by now he couldn't even imagine it. While he was driving, his mind was burning and he asked himself if Kate had really loved him one day. He really didn't know. The only certainty he had at that moment was that he had lost her. Definitely.

The end