The lawyers standing somewhere behind me, say that I must inform all my viewers that I Neathra, do not own Skyrim. That happy privilege is Bethesda's. Somehow that fact that I'm writing FANFICTION (shouts over shoulder toward lawyers) wasn't clear enough. So I do not own Skyrim. Bethesda does. Please don't sue me.
Why not? I mean Christmas Carol stories are easiest to write (the plot has already been set up), and I needed to get this out of my To Do box. Yes, I know that this is totally a parody of the original story. Please humor me. Also any constructive criticism is totally appreciated. Also, this is my (terrible/late) attempted at a Christmas Gift to you all. Like the writers with actual talent do.
New Life Festival was one of my favorite holidays to celebrate in Skyrim. The merriment, the food, and the exchanging of gifts with the people we hold dear; even the Thalmor didn't seem that bad around New Life Festival.
Personally, I had just gotten home after spending the week visiting the friends I had scattered around Skyrim, and participating in New Life Festivaltide traditions each guild had(1). I had even managed to be polite to whoever the new Thalmor Ambassador was during that New Life Festival party in Solitude. Tomorrow - New Life Festival itself - I was going to spend with the Greybeards, Paarthurnax, and Oldavvink on The Throat of the World. With a little luck, no major crisis would happen until after New Year's. Ya, sure, my luck would "most definitely" hold.
"It's midnight if you're wondering." The ghostly man who had woken me up responded to my unanswered question. I rubbed more sleep from my eyes. He had a pleasant enough face, and shoulder length brown hair. A strange amulet hung from around his neck.
"Who are you?" I demanded. Well actually, I wasn't that articulate yet so it came out more as "Ore u?"
"Martin Septim." I resisted the urge to proclaim that he was dead, and could not therefore be sitting across from my bed. The reason he couldn't be sitting across from my bed, was that he had never been in my house before. So instead I demanded
"What are you doing in my house, at midnight on New Life Festival Mr. Septim?" (2)
"You're taking this a lot better than most people would."
"My best friends are a vampire and a dragon, I'm dating a werewolf, I've met a woman from another dimension, and one of my day jobs causes the dead to try and kill me. A ghost in my bed room isn't that strange considering that I'm a magnet for the unus-"
"Unusual?" he seemed to get lost in memory "Kara said that all the time."
"Who?"
"A friend, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you're not getting a good night sleep."
"Nooooooo!" I moaned dropping my face into my hands. I should have known that the lack of world ending catastrophes was not going to last that much longer. After a well-deserved solid minute of self-indulgent sulking I straightened "Who's trying to destroy the world, and how do I stop them?"
The last Septim restrained a chuckle "Nobody, Kara just sent me to warn you some of the daedra are going to be dropping by to visit tonight. She's friends with Sheogorath and he tells her all sorts of things. Did you know that Pelagius Septim is his favorite Septim after me, but I -"
"Turned into a dragon god and that's hardly sporting. Yes, we've met. What do the daedra want?"
"To say hi. You forgot to say Happy New Life Festival. Or at least that's why - drat. I've got to go. Have a nice night Alora." With that Martin happily waved before fading away to another plane.
After my ghostly visitor had left, I curled back up under my covers. If I was going to have my night ruined by the daedra I wanted a little more sleep, but it was only a little latter when my second visitor arrived…
Light blazed behind my eyelids, and a finger began poking my cheek. I swatted the hand away, but it returned with a vigor.
"Hey, Alora. I need your help. The cheese won't wake up!" My suspicions of who was poking my cheek were confirmed as I cracked open one eye. Sheogorath grinned and poked me again.
"Ahh you're awake. I thought I might have to make a new instrument with your brains. Mmmmh brain pie." For a moment I stared at the Daedric Prince of Madness; since then time I had helped him with Pelagius, Sheogorath had randomly dropped into my live for help, or because he decided to (4). In any case, playing along was the best, and only, strategy.
"Have you tried shaking the cheese?" I suggested. He tilted his head as though considering the idea, before nodding vigorously,
"Yes… But Alora you should try to shake the cheese." Sheogorath waved his hand and a large wheel of goat cheese appeared on my lap. "Go on!" Awkwardly I picked up the cheese and gingerly shook it. "Did it wake up?"
"No, both you and Haskil are too gentle...Wait, stay here." Sheogorath vanished. For a moment I stared at where he had been standing, and then suddenly he reappeared holding some sort of horn. My eyes widened, dropping the cheese I slammed my hands over my ears. An earsplitting shriek filled the air as he blew into the horn. Upstairs I heard some cursing as the horn managed to walk up the entire household. Feet pounded down the stairs. My doors flew open and three heads appeared.
"I'm ok. Nobody is kidnaping me. "I reassured my staff.
"Yet." Sheogorath added. To their credit, they nodded without blinking then crept back to bed (5).I sighed "Now I'm going to need an awesome New Life Festival gift for them." then turning back to my visitor. "Alright. Is the cheese awake yet?"
"Yes. It seems to be. The laughing horn worked!" He happily clapped then turned back to me. "Now Alora, why didn't I get a happy New Life Festival prayer? Or a happy New Life Festival hug?" Sheogorath jumped onto my bed and tackle hugged me. "AHH there was my New Life Festival hug! I found it. Glad you didn't forget, but next time don't hide it so well. Now, I have more cheese to go wake up. See you as soon as I come up with a problem, or if Dagon gets too annoying. TaTa!" Sheogorath patted me on the head. Then he vanished leaving me with almost fifty wheels of goat cheese scattered around my room. I dumped the cheese of my bed, curled up and fell asleep. Maybe someone would send me a goat cheese recipe for New Life Festival.
1: The Companions held a secret Santa, the Thieves guild tried to pickpocket their gifts from one another, the Dark Brotherhood tried to tell the most outlandish, yet true, tale(3), the bard college sung, and wrote carols, and the College staff and students just gave each other presents.
2: Alora hadn't fully woken up yet, but Martin was good at translating half asleep, thanks in no part to this mysterious Kara.
3: Babett was the current champion - undefeated for over a hundred years.
4: These frequent visits lead our intrepid heroine to two conclusions. A: Sheogorath was a lot saner than he liked to appear. B: He had something against Mehrunes Dagon
5: If you worked for the Dragonborn, you had to be ready for all sorts of crazy things (6).
6 : Daedric Princes dropping by , vampires dropping by, that strange little girl named Babett dropping by, and Alora just up and vanishing for weeks at a time.
Merry (Late) Christmas Everyone! *Lawyer whisper's in Neathra's ear* Huh? I'm just hoping that they had a nice Christmas. I didn't imply that everyone celebrates Christmas, and no. I'm not saying 'Happy Holidays."So, shoo. Go hang out in the next chapter's author's note. Speaking of the next chapter. It features the Ghost of Christmas (Living in the) Present, and The Ghost of Christmas (and Harassing the Dragonborn's) Future.