Title: Afraid
Author: Ki
Rating: K+, maybe?
Category: Fluff with little angst
Disclaimer: Don't own them. Don't sue please
Spoilers: 01.12 No Strings. A post-ep of sort...
A/N: Ooo… I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for this ep… so glad it's finally here… Havn't written for so long... so feedbacks are more than welcome!
Her apartment was cold, physically and figuratively.
Over the past few months, what she owned had slowly made their way to Matt's. She wanted to stay with him, needed to stay with him. It was an implicit understanding that home was wherever the other was, and since Matt's apartment was closer to headquarters than hers, his sanctuary became their home.
The speed at which their relationship progressed sometimes frightened her. Yet, it felt right – too right. Deep down, she knew he was the one.
Emily scoffed at the thought. Yes, he was the one. Yet, at this moment, they were so far away emotionally from one another that everything felt out of place.
Nights like these, when their communication was so far out of sync that all they were left would be awkward silence, were the only time Emily would return to her apartment. It was ironic, really. They were one of the best teams of crisis negotiators when bureau had to offer, but when it came to their relationship, it seemed like their words always put them at odds with one another. It was time like these that made Emily wondered about their relationship. Most of the time, things felt so right that when glitches occurred, they didn't know how to deal with them.
She knew she should have said something at the port, after she had pushed and pushed until he told her he loved her, but she didn't know what to say. Everything she had in her mind sounded too insincere, too artificial. He, on the other hand, had backed away quickly. At the first chance he got, he took off with Frank, leaving her to drive their SUV back to headquarters alone.
By the time she wrapped up at the port and returned to headquarters, he had already started with his paperwork. She tried talking, really she did, but a conversation could only go so far when one party would only give monosyllabic responses.
She knew she probably caused this latest rift between them, that she choked, just as she did in Mexico. She loved the man, there was no doubt about it in her mind, but she just choked every time she wanted to say it to him – not speaking in parallels to some psychotic HT, but clearly and directly to Matt Flannery.
She glanced at the clock. It was approaching mid-night. After spending so many nights at Matt's, it felt weird to be in her own space again. Moreover, it felt unnatural for her to be going through her routines solo.
The bed was empty – she felt empty. She wanted to snuggle up to someone, not a pillow that was getting soaked by her tears.
She chose to ignore the knocking at her door, willing silently for the intruder to go away. Similarly, she paid no attention to the ringing phone and let voice mail pick it up.
"I know you're in there, Emily," it was him. "Open the door or I'll break it down."
Resigned, she tugged on her robe and made her way to the door. He was standing on the other side, his face flushed, and he could see the frustration on his features. Without waiting for an invitation, Matt walked in and locked the door behind him.
"Matt?"
"You've had your turn, Emily. Now it's mine. Why were you waiting for me to ask you to stay? You are afraid too, aren't you?"
Emily tensed up at his words.
"And just what am I afraid of?" she asked defensively.
"Of admitting that you wanted to go but didn't want to say it out loud. That you wanted to get away from Los Angeles, from the team. From me."
Emily watched in stunned silence as Matt went on. She wanted to scream, to yell, to let Matt know what he was saying was not true, that she didn't want to leave, to be away from him for a year. She couldn't bear that thought.
"You're afraid because you care about me. You're afraid because you need to get away but you don't want to be the one to break it off. You are – "
She had to stop him. Placing her hands on his shoulder and leaning him, she swallowed his words. His height meant that she had to be on the tip of her toes, but she couldn't bring herself to separate her lips from his. When the need for air became too great, she broke it off briefly only to seal her lips over his again after a few deep breaths.
There was no holding back now, Emily knew. All her love, fear, uncertainty, she poured into the kiss and hoped he would get the message.
Finally, Matt broke the kiss this time and looked at her.
"Emily?"
"I'm sorry," she murmured as she let her head rest on his shoulder. Instinctively, she molded herself against him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
His hand was on her back, trying to sooth her. She knew her tears were making damp spots on his shirt, but she didn't care at this point. She just wanted to hold onto him and never let go.
"Em," he murmured against her hair. "Don't go. I do love you. Don't go."
She pulled away from her spot on his shoulder to look at him, and noticed the look of hurt on his face. He looked as if she had just slapped him.
"I won't go," she promised softly, holding his eyes and willing him to see the truth in hers. "I won't go."
"Good. Good," he nodded and made to pull away from the embrace, but she held on tight.
"I love you," she declared quietly. "I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. I'm sorry I backed off in Mexico. I choked and ..."
She trailed off, still looking at him and willing him to understand. He nodded, and she smiled.
"I love you, Matt Flannery, with all my heart," she said, with more confidence. The words coming much easier now that she had said it out loud. "I love you."
He gathered her in his arms, and she held on tight, leaving no room between the two of them.
"And I love you, Emily Lehman."