Fifteen was the most disquieting age Remus Lupin had ever experienced. Not only did his monthly changes seem aggravated by the mysterious hormones flowing erratically through his skinny body; he was beginning to feel conscious of said skinny body, and more importantly Would Someone Ever Want To Touch It.
The whole thing was ridiculous.
He had a brief and half-hearted crush on Miranda, a Ravenclaw in her sixth year, wherein he imagined passionate scenes in the library; and was mortified that for him, yes, even sexual fantasies could involve books. Sexual fantasies was pushing it, for although Remus had a better knowledge of anatomy and function than any of his friends, that knowledge had come from an encyclopedia. Mostly he just imagined some heavy petting followed by a sense of deep satisfaction. Often they rode away happily on a horse, which was preposterous, as horses could scent him for miles and usually shied from a werewolf's touch. There were clearly too many romance novels in the world. That was bad, but it was worse when he developed a highly distracting crush on the captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. The male captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team.
Remus had always thought that when one was going to experience something like this, one would receive notice. That there would have been some kind of sign; or maybe one was just born knowing. But not. Handsome gentlemen, sometimes unsettlingly familiar ones at that; danced across his dreams now and again, carrying cups of tea (and newspaper hats ? Sod dreaming.), allowing themselves to be rescued from malignant beasts and salesmen, and just generally being a great nuisance. Between sweaty Quidditch-watching and suddenly awkward showers, Remus had an awful moment in which he wished to return his life for a do-over. He wasn't ashamed, just terrified that it would be one more thing that separated him from his peers. From his friends.
No, he decided, this bizarre change of life was not going to take him unawares. There were too many dangerous variables in his life (magic, lycanthropy, Sirius and James) that he had no control over. Something that was happening in his brain And Lower was something he could take charge of. Perhaps he could find a nice boy or a nice girl with whom to share fumbling kisses and relieve some of the insane tension gathering in him. Someone reasonable. Nice. He would make a list.
Attractive Qualities in a Suitable Significant Other, he wrote diplomatically on the top of a page, glancing around to ensure nobody had seen that. The common room was empty. Number One : Intelligence. Remus was horrified when a flash of Snape's face appeared. He was certainly intelligent, but that did not qualify him for the list. No, better be specific : An Intelligence that does not necessarily come from books. Cleverness, he added. A Certain Reckless Cleverness, he wrote under that, thinking of Phineas Fogg and his bold acquisition of an intoxicating Indian bride. Number Two : Honesty. The list went on, as Remus had no shortage of words at his command. Self-Possession. Independence. Generosity of Spirit. I am an old man, he sighed. Thoughtfulness. Bravery. Bravery ? Oh well. An Ear for Music. Dark Hair. Dark Hair ? Ye gods. This was not going to work. Apparently attraction didn't function this way, narrowing down your choices to appropriate partners, like filling a Ministry position. Everyone else could say a couple of stupid words, a simple "How are you then" or "Nice robes" and immediately they'd be snogging in a deserted hallway, but oh no. Not Remus Lupin. Even that social retard Sirius had probably had half his year up in the Astronomy Tower.
Don't incorporate Sirius into this ! His brain screamed at him, but it was too late.
The idea of him, lips wrapped around a formless Other, filled Remus with a familiar rush of heat. Please God no. He remembered seeing Sirius in the Charms classroom once, on his way back from the library, one hand sneaking down a girl's backside, the other pulling her hair smoothly away from her throat. Remus had paused in shock and watched him plant a thick kiss against her neck. The sucking sound had jellied his knees and hardened something else, and he fled.
He had thought about it and then firmly Not Thought About It since then. Distracted, he didn't hear the password given outside in time; and was left scrambling to cover his notes when Peter, James, and Sirius himself came tumbling in like awkward geese.
"-stupid git !"
"No, you are !"
"No, you are !"
"You both are ?" Peter finished helpfully, and James ruffled his hair.
"Guess so." he said, and smiled when he saw Remus. "What you working on, old man ?"
"Herbology." Remus lied smoothly, and slid the list into a book. "Never mind it though, it's extra credit."
"Never do mind it." Sirius cut in, grinning. "Look, we're going to sneak into Honeyduke's by way of the hag, come along ? No saying no." He fiddled with a loose string on his muggle-style jacket, graceful fingers, and Remus was enthralled.
"Sure." he murmured. "I'll stow this stuff upstairs."
In the privacy of his room, Remus pulled out the list and considered it. Had he really been this confused, this strange about it all ? It wasn't really so hard to figure out as he'd imagined. With his quill, he added two word with a flourish. Is Sirius. He tore the list in half going down the stairs, and tossed it in the fire, which gave an appreciative spark. "Ready." he grinned, and followed them, laughing, out the door.