Note: This story is a companion to Desperate Reactions. The bulk of it acts as a prequel, while the end acts like a sequel. This is the second in a series of three. A sequel will hopefully becoming soon.
This is dedicated to the love of my life, Meredith, who inspired this story with all of the love I feel for her. Meredith, I would have waited for you forever.
"I feel like I'm losing my mind." Sirius' voice broke the tense silence in the living room of Grimmauld place. He'd been pacing the nearly empty room for the past hour, his fingers tugging at his curls and his shoes creating marks in the rugs. Their silence had been a rare peace in the usually clustered house, and Remus had just begun to truly appreciate it.
After the order meeting, those who attended returned to their various posts. Remus had stayed behind to look after Teddy and allow his wife to get some rest. It didn't take much convincing to get Tonks to stay at the Black Manor. She was just as concerned for Sirius as Remus was.
From the corner of the room, Remus let out a quiet but noticeable snort. "Crazy. Hm? Certainly that wasn't your first clue." He sat in his chair, his arms wrapped around his sleeping son. Remus smoothed a few fingers across the infant's forehead, pushing the now bright green hair from his brow.
This response was a glare from Sirius before he resumed staring up at the ceiling. "I mean Harry, Moony." For weeks now, Sirius had been jumping at every sound and radio signal, hoping to hear from his godson. It had taken the jaws of life to pry Harry away from his protective hold in the first place, as he had been the first one to object to his most recent adventure.
Remus's eyes lifted from the bundle in his arms and turned sympathetic now as they locked on Sirius'.
"I know you worry about him, but you knew communication would be scarce. You remember what it was like last time, we would go months without hearing a word from each other. This is even worse. He can't leave any trace, any idea of where he is."
For a moment, Sirius was silent, nodding as his mind went back to that darker time. "But we were all together then. Fighting together." He said, his voice quieter. "I was part of that fight and now I'm banished to this house like I have been for the past three years. They don't trust me - " Remus attempted to cut him off, but Sirius held up his hand. "You know they don't."
"They know you're a target." Remus reasoned, standing up. Moving to the bassinette, he placed Teddy carefully down inside, tucking him amongst the blankets. "You were targeted at Department of Mysteries because of Harry and you know how terrified he is of losing anyone else to this cause."
"But it's not his cause! It's my cause too!" Sirius whispered heatedly, keeping his voice down. "I love that kid, you know I do, but this isn't just about him. It's about James and Lily, it's about the everything I lost, we lost. It's about everyone in the wizarding world, not just him." He ran his hand through his hair, frustrated. "And I know it's not just Harry who doesn't want me out there." His eyes turned pointedly to Remus.
Remus scrubbed a hand down his face, moving to sit next to Sirius. "No, no, it's not." He said quietly, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. Squeezing it tightly, he seemed to vocalize his feelings on the manner without a word. "None of us can afford to lose you, Padfoot, you know that. After that incident... " He cringed at his choice of words, looking towards the fireplace. His mind drifted towards watching Sirius nearly fall to his death, his voice growing softer now. "The Order just thinks it would be best to keep you here until we need more men. Until the end."
"The end." Sirius repeated, shaking his head. "The end, as if there was such a thing. Even when the bastard is dead, we'll still be cleaning up the mess he left behind, mourning the people he killed. It'll be gruesome -"
"But it'll be over." Remus interrupted, his voice calming now. "Isn't that what you've been wanting? Your second chance at life? It'll start when he's gone, when Harry is safe. You'll have the family you wanted. We'll have that, all of us."
Sirius let out an irritated sort of snort, looking away. "With Tonks." He murmured.
"Yes, with Dora." Remus looked irritated then, and it was obvious this wasn't a new issue. "Sirius, I thought you liked her. She's your cousin after all, you were quite close if you remember."
Shifting in his seat, Sirius let out a discontented sigh, his eyes focused on the wood floor. There was a thin layer of dust over it, which seemed to be a habit in this house no matter how much he cleaned. "I love my cousin Tonks… it's your wife Dora I have an issue with. And there is a definite issue. It's… not easy to explain. I just wish sometimes…" He trailed off, the silence following him heavy.
Concern and curiosity seeped into Remus's tone. "You wish what? That you had something like she and I have?"
"Something like that." Sirius whispered, letting out an almost inaudible laugh. Years ago, before Azkaban, before the war had ripped his life in half, he'd been ready to settle down with the one he'd loved. But that hope had been destroyed, taking his hope for the future with it.
Remus's face creased with confusion once more and he was about to clarify further when the door swung open, Molly Weasley at the door. She was red faced, her hair wild and he face filled with panic. "Come quickly!" Her voice cracked as she waved them forward.
Their conversation forgotten, both men were out of their chairs and moving down the hall quickly. "What is it, Molly?" He thought of Moody and felt his stomach turn, hoping someone else hadn't been lost so soon. His eyes caught Remus's and he knew they were thinking alike.
"It's Harry." She breathed, pushing open the front doors. "He's at Hogwarts. Hurry, quickly. I don't know how long he'll be there, but he says he needs the entire order. He specifically mentioned you two."
Without hesitation, Sirius was across the room and out the front door, not bothering to grab his cloak on the way out.
Grabbing both their jackets, Remus hurried after him, trying to catch up. "Sirius!" He managed to grasp onto the other man's sleeve just before they both apperated to the center of Hogsmeade. It was a close call, Remus nearly stumbling to the ground as they arrived. The place was eerily quiet, all the shops closed for the night.
Remus and Sirius moved quickly towards Hogwarts, knowing Harry was waiting there. Other members of the order began apperating next to them, popping out of thin air right up until they arrived at the Hogwarts gates. Hogwarts had been in a military state for months now, but Sirius had never seen it quite like this before. It put an uneasy feeling inside of him, making him wonder how close they were to a full-fledged infiltration.
As the Order burst into the Great Hall, Sirius' eyes immediately searched for his godson. Once he did see him, his heart dropped to his stomach. He hadn't seen his godson in months and the boy looked tired and worn to him. His face was lined and guant, streaked with grime. He knew Harry had been expecting him, but the hope that flashed into the boy's eyes suggested he hadn't been sure it would really happen. Most would see that he had grown and matured beyond his years, but Sirius saw the broken child behind all that glory.
The sudden squeeze of his shoulder told him Remus felt the same. Their Harry was meant for this type of battle, this burden on his shoulders. Sirius agreed that Harry belonged in the Order, but he wasn't a weapon and shouldn't be treated like just another pawn on Dumbledore's chess board.
The battle was immediately breaking everyone into different directions. Though Sirius's first instinct was to rush towards Harry, he was pulled towards the fight, trying to take down as many death eaters as he could manage. They were coming at every angle, and before any of them could prepare further, the battle had officially begun.
He tried to keep his eyes on Harry and Remus as much as possible, but didn't allow himself to get distracted from the task at hand. This had been what they'd been waiting for, meeting about, and training for. Sirius was ready for it, but he couldn't help but feel how final it was. Tonight could be the definite end to all of it, and what would he have to show for it?
As he caught Remus's eye across the Great Hall, he couldn't help but remember every side glance they'd had years ago at Hogwarts. Had it really been that long ago since they teased each other at the breakfast table? Or even since they had moved out together, set up their few pieces of furniture in a dingy flat in the middle of Hogsmeade? They'd spent so many nights there in that cold one room apartment, taking turns on the bed and growing closer by the day.
That was why it had been so hard when they'd grown apart, when the secrets stretched thin before James and Lily's death. For a while, it had seemed like they were moving towards something more. The teasing had turned to flirting, the jokes had become suggestive. Touches were longer, hugs lingering, and there was just this certain air between them. But by the time he had even considered perusing it in the least, it was too late.
All these years later and he still looked at Remus like he hung the moon himself. He still felt his stomach turn, his heart slam against his chest whenever their eyes met. And he wondered time and time again, even after Remus was married, if the man felt the same. But he didn't dare bring it up. He'd considered it after he'd escaped, but there had been so much time where they didn't see each other. And then, he'd been trapped in Grimmauld Place, still on the run. He didn't want to tie Remus down, make his life more difficult than ever. And besides, he figured if Remus had ever felt something, it was gone by then.
It was when Tonks started perusing Remus that Sirius really knew it was too late. The marriage came so quickly, a baby on the way. A readymade family, something Sirius could have never given Remus no matter how hard he'd tried to get his life back in one piece. And now, they were facing the end, and Sirius would never have another chance. He couldn't let that happen.
He saw Tonks fighting just a little while away and felt a stab of guilt run through him. She had been the one person in his family to stay close to him, to defend him and stay loyal to him – other than her mother. And here he was, so eager to betray her and her newborn son.
But he knew that love was subjective and that Remus deserved to at least know his options. After all, they'd all waited so long to have their perfect endings and if they survived this, he knew he didn't want his best friend to settle. No matter what he'd promised.
His eyes searching through the rubble again, they landed on Remus, deciding then and there he would finish this tonight. Breaking into a run, he hurried towards his friend, fighting his way through with some difficulty. It was a foolish plan, one with too many flaws and few chances for benefit. But if he didn't try, he could have very well died never knowing if there had been even a sliver of a chance to be truly happy.
"Remus." Sirius was out of breath, his voice hoarse as he pulled his best friend into a corner. Smoke filled the air around them, sparks flying every which way. It was a battle that couldn't be ignored, just a pretense to the final war they knew would happen soon. But Sirius needed this moment, even just this small amount of time. Who knew how this fight would turn out, and Sirius couldn't go into it with so many secrets and regret.
Remus's face was creased with worry, his voice impatient. "Sirius, there's no time for conversation right now. We have a fight to win or lose and we don't have a second to waste. This can wait." He looked tired, just short of defeated. The thought broke Sirius's heart.
"I'm afraid this can't wait." Sirius gasped out, turning their bodies quickly so they were further out of view. They pressed up against the crumbling wall, Sirius shielding his best friend from the carnage just beyond. "I refuse to lose any more time, not after so many close calls." He looked over their shoulders now. "And not with so little left."
Remus's face etched with confusion now, determination further tugging at his frown. "Sirius…" He whispered as another crash shook the ground beneath them. "Please don't tell me this is your idea of a goodbye. This is not the time for that! We could win this – we could…" His voice faltered as Sirius's hand grabbed onto his bicep, just below his shoulder.
"We could what? Win?" Sirius asked, moving closer now. "Do you know how many times I've been so sure there was an end to all of this? That you, me, Harry, we'd be a family someday? It's an empty promise, one I keep swearing will come true. But what if we lose? What if we spend another twelve years apart, or forever? What if this was truly just borrowed time? I couldn't stand it. You have your happily ever after. You and Tonks…Teddy too. But where does that leave me?" Sirius swallowed, the desperate tone not lost in the destruction around them. "Because I'm so close to losing everything for what feels like the million time and I won't give that up without a fight. Not without you knowing the truth. You see, I have nothing left to lose."
Remus stared at him, pain mixing in with the realization on his face. Grabbing onto Sirius's wrist, he pulled them further to the side, throwing a curse over his friend's shoulder at an advancing death eater. Pulling them more behind the rubble now, he never let go of Sirius's shirt, staring at him now as he swallowed. "If you have something to say to me, Sirius, you better do so quickly. They're gaining on us and we're needed." But there was a tone in his voice that suggested Sirius had caught his attention and that he needed to hear this as much as Sirius needed to say it.
"What I'm trying to tell you is that life is too damn short to settle." Sirius gasped out, pulling Remus closer and away from a flash of light. "Fifteen years later and I still remember every moment I ever reached for you, got a little too close, felt you next to me. I always wanted you closer, always wanted those short, heated moments together to be something more."
He swallowed then. "I get that there are morals and values to follow. I get that you're committed, married, a father for Merlin's sake. But I've never really been one to follow the rules." He shook his head, bracing his own back against the wall. "I won't lose this battle without you knowing that you have been my one beacon every day. You are who I've been waiting for, who I've always imagined spending my life with. You are the one I keep coming back for."
There was a pause as everything else seemed fall away, the sounds deafening. Remus's throat was dry, his eyes set on Sirius's, searching them to see if he was possibly telling the truth. "All this time and you choose right now to tell me?" He whispered, his brow furrowing now. "Sirius…" He shook his head, but Sirius took another step forward, his hand on Remus's chest now.
"I know what you're thinking. I'm a raving lunatic." Sirius said softly, making a smile crack at Remus's lips. "But I had to say it, I needed you to know. You are everything I need in the world, besides Harry. You are all I love." His voice cracked then and he shook his head,. "You can push me away and tell me you don't feel the same, that I'm a fool, and we can run back into the fray. We can finish this and move on somehow later. But I need you to know that no matter what, you are who I will always love. No one else."
Remus reached a hand up then, his palm pressing his below Sirius's jaw, his thumb running along the line of his chin. "You're right, you're a lunatic." He said quietly, watching him intently. "And a fool. Pulling me aside like this, in the middle of all of this death, to tell me that you love me" His voice shook then, his head shaking back and forth. "It's always about you, Padfoot, hasn't it?" He whispered, a teasing quality peeking through.
"But since the moment I met you, I knew all of these things. I also knew you were brave, rash, sometimes foolish, but incredibly sweet." Tears filled Remus's eyes then, and he blinked them away, his hand smoothing around Sirius's neck. The other man's eyes were intent on his, looking nowhere else. "And it's entirely unfair, the things you do to me."
Sirius's eyes were intent on Remus's, turning to push him away from a crumbling wall. He pressed him into a corner, his body hovering close as he grabbed onto his arm. "You love me." He challenged quietly, leaning until his forehead pressed against Remus's. "Admit it. Just admit it, and I'll never mention it again if that's what you want. Deny it and I'll drop the subject forever." It sounded as if it could almost be another one of his games, but Remus knew better.
Time seemed to stand still as Remus breathed him in, his eyes closing and his hand pressing still into his neck. "I love you. You know I do." He breathed, his voice just barely audible to Sirius's ears.
Before Remus could breathe out, his back was pressed into the hard stone, Sirius's mouth pressing tightly over his. No form of magic could have prepared either of them for the feeling that catapulted into their veins, spreading through them both. There was only a moment of hesitation before Remus's arm was winding around Sirius's waist, kissing him back with equal force. It was over as quickly as it began, Sirius pulling away, his eyes wide and his lips flushed.
For a moment, they only stared at each other, their labored breathing lost in the noise around them. The rational, careful thinking man in Remus knew he had to turn away, he had to focus on the fight – on his family – on surviving. But the irrational, but still entirely human side of him pulled Sirius back, his hand tight on his wrist. "I always knew you'd be the death of me." He murmured, pulling him into a heated kiss. Their bodies pressed up against the still crumbling wall, seconds feeling like hours.
It was a kiss of promise, hope, but also a chance of goodbye as Sirius pulled away reluctantly. "Find me after." He breathed, squeezing Remus's hand hard in his. "No matter what happens, find your way to me." His eyes were intent, keeping their hold until Remus nodded.
They separated then, Sirius running towards Harry across the Great Hall, Remus hanging back to find Tonks. His hands shook for only a moment before they were curling around his wand, throwing curses every direction. He forced Sirius from his mind, only letting himself grasp onto the hope that something might come out of all of this destruction. No matter how small or foolish that hope was.
Three more hours passed, the battle feeling endless and the deaths piling up. Somewhere in the mess, Sirius had lost track of Harry, only to go through the terror of seeing him dead across the room. Everything felt like a blur, and he barely registered the destruction around him. As Harry resurrected, his final battle with Voldemort commencing, the world seemed to spin. He could only focus on his godson and Remus, desperate to see them both through the war.
And then, as quickly as it all had begun – it was over. Fifty were dead, including some of their closest friends. Including Tonks.
The rest of the night was a blur. Bodies were collected, injuries were tended to, destruction was evaluated and cataloged. It was an hour after that Sirius had been able to tear himself away from Harry, having been reassured over and over again that he was okay, that he would be fine. As the boy went away with his friends, Sirius's eyes had found Remus's across the room.
The man was sitting away from the others, covered in dust and smeared with blood. His head was in his hands, his fists holding onto his graying hair. Sirius had never seen him in such a state, but perhaps this is how his best friend had looked soon after James and Lily's death. The thought sent a hard stone to the bottom of his stomach, twisting as he wondered what further damage yet another war had done to the man he loved.
Sirius moved over to sit next to him, being careful not to startle him. For the first time, he chose not to speak, giving Remus a moment to mourn in peace – though not alone.
"She's gone." Remus whispered, not looking up from the ground, though his hands loosened in his hair. "I had so many doubts about us. About our marriage, about how I felt about her. After all, it all seemed so rushed, so hurried. And I honestly felt as though I was desperate settling after Teddy was born." He swallowed then against the tears he hadn't noticed dripping down his chin. "It's no secret now that I ran, and almost never came back. But whether or not I was losing her as a wife, she's still his mother. Still the biggest loss he'll ever have." His hands slid down to cover his face, grief shaking his shoulders as he felt the pain his son would go through.
Sirius wrapped his arm around his shoulder then, his hand tight on his shoulder. "He has you." He whispered, the relief evident in his voice. "Tonks knew how much you loved her, Remus, even if it wasn't the right kind of love. She… she knew." He whispered, pain ripping open his chest as he thought of what he'd done to his cousin, and of his own loss. She'd been such a bright light and though it had dimmed with her marriage to the man of his dreams, he still loved her more than most.
Remus was quiet for a moment, rubbing at his eyes and down his face. "I know I said I'd come to you after it was all over, but I… I wanted to give you time with Harry and…" He trailed off, the words stuck in his throat. "I couldn't." He choked, shaking his head. "I couldn't face you knowing that in the moment she was losing her life, I was stealing a moment with you. God, and I… the worst thing is that I don't regret it. I don't regret it, because it was the only thing that got me through. The only thing that helped me survive." He gasped out a choked sound then, fighting to breathe. "Tell me I'm not a horrible person."
"You're anything but. You don't ever have to explain yourself to me." Sirius whispered, his arm tightening around his best friend. "I see past those walls, remember? They may be solid brick and intricate, but that never stopped me before." He smiled sadly, his arm tightening around Remus. His hold was protective, shielding Remus from the pain they'd face together the next few months or even years. "Greif and guilt are normal things to feel right now. But this war… it brings out the best and worst in all of us. You can't kill yourself over what happened, you can't blame yourself for a moment of desperation."
What Sirius was saying only barely filtered through Remus's muddled brain, his mind swimming with shock and indescribable pain. Though he knew, even then, that he was right. "Being upset about such a thing seems… selfish with all that's going on." He whispered, looking at Sirius finally. "I just feel like in one night, I could have lost everything. And while I lost so much… I feel unbelievable relief to see you here next to me. God, Sirius…" He wrapped his arms around him tightly then, hugging him to him. Burying his head in his shoulder, a dam seemed to unleash, pouring out ever emotion Remus felt. His body began to wrack with silent sobs, emotion pouring from him in a raw but dignified way. "You came back to me." He gasped out.
"I'll always come back to you. Just like before. No matter how long it takes me, you can always expect my return." He pulled Remus closer, wanting to take the pain from him somehow, and transfer into himself. "And I'm good at waiting, remember? If anything, I've proved that. Waiting for escape, for hope, for a family. For love." His face creased in pain, but he pushed further. "I'd wait forever for you. Even if you never felt ready to love me, I'll be here with you, in any way I can be. Helping with Teddy, keeping you on your feet. No matter what else you and I become, we're already family. You, me, Harry and Teddy." He smoothed Remus's hair out of his eye, cleaning some of the dirt from his cheek. "You're stuck with me."
His body still in tremors, Remus looked up to meet his best friend's eyes, wondering how he'd ever managed to survive without him before. He knew that Sirius would, once again, be the only reason he got through the next chapter of his life. "Is it really over?" Was all he could think to ask, his voice hoarse and in disbelief. Sitting there, his eyes locked on Sirius's, he felt an immense sense of hope, knowing that he would get through this. That he had a second chance ahead of him for a life – a real life.
Sirius wrapped both of his arms around Remus then, one of his hands pressing the man's head against his chest. Around them, families reunited, people began to pick up the pieces, and the process of rebuilding the wizarding world was already quietly beginning. But Sirius's focus, as it always had been, was on the man in his arms. "It's really over." He promised, pressing a kiss to the side of Remus's head. "And I promise you, it can only get better, we can only recover. We have no other choice. And everything, in time, will be okay. Do you trust me, Moony?"
Remus stared back at Sirius, amazed that he could still feel anything at all, let alone the rush of love he felt for the man in front of him. After all, hadn't love saved them all in the end? It seemed only fit that it would propel them into recovery. "Of course I do." He whispered, never letting go of Sirius's hand. "Always."