Apparently I decided that during NaNoWriMo was a good time to delve back into fanfiction. Because I don't have enough to write. :-) Reviews including questions, comments, or constructive criticism are always appreciated.
"You can't always save everyone, sire," Merlin said quietly, standing still beside him.
"You think I don't know that!" Arthur raged. "I've watched my father die, some of my best knights, Morgana..." he choked and then yelled in a rage, "I," he smashed the sword into the training dummy, "Lose," he smashed it again, "Everyone!" the dummy fell over with the force of his final blow. Merlin said nothing, but his look spoke volumes. I'm sorry, it said, so, so sorry. Arthur held onto the rage because it was easier to deal with. He set the dummy up again and beat his sword mercilessly into it until Merlin softly touched his shoulder.
"Stop," he said, flinching when Arthur whirled around quickly with his sword still held high. "Please, Arthur, stop."
The next day Arthur woke on his own; Merlin wasn't there as usual to rouse him. He hopped out of bed and ran to Gaius's chambers in a panic, not bothering to change out of his night clothes. He didn't even knock, just barged into the room, eyes wide and face full of panic. He froze when he saw Merlin staring at him as though startled, spoon halfway to his mouth.
Merlin rose from his breakfast and stuttered, "I..I don't think I'm late yet, sire."
Arthur's face relaxed and he tried to compose himself. Merlin was right, he had simply woken earlier than normal. "No, no, come when you're ready," he waved Merlin off and walked back to his chambers. When he got there he sat heavily on his bed and dropped his head into his hands. Merlin came an hour later and he still hadn't moved. He came and sat quietly beside him.
"Did you think...?" Merlin didn't quite finish the question, but let it trail off into the air, Arthur knowing just what he didn't say.
Arthur lifted his head just a little. "Don't be stupid, Merlin," he muttered. But there was nothing convincing in his voice, nothing at all.
Merlin gave him a soft smile before looking serious again. This time he dropped his face to stare at his hands which were suddenly fidgeting nervously in his lap. "I know what it is to fear for a friend. To fear that no matter what you do, you can't change fate. And to hear of your own death...it almost becomes a relief because maybe," Merlin sighed, "just maybe you won't outlive everyone you care about."
Arthur's head snapped up. What was Merlin referring to?
Merlin seemed to realize what he had just said and coughed, "I mean...I don't mean...I just..." He trailed off, uncharacteristically unable to come up with a story or excuse. Arthur considered carefully. He was a knight and a king. He understood exactly the feeling Merlin had just alluded to. He didn't know the specifics of how or why Merlin understood it too, but he knew the uncomfortable fear of speaking of it, the fear of sounding weak when you were simply tired, of sounding less brave and willing to carry on then you were, just because you wanted to admit that it wasn't easy to do so. He decided not to press the subject.
"So what do we do, Merlin?"
"I guess...we appreciate them while we can, and try not to mourn them before they are gone." Merlin said it as if just realizing it himself. Arthur smiled, it seemed his wisdom surprised even himself at times. Merlin's voice suddenly grew formal. "It has been an honor to serve you, sire. I truly believe you will be the greatest king Camelot has ever known, whether I live to see it or not." Arthur turned his head to hide his tears. "And," he said, adding a touch of humor, "you're not a bad friend either." He gave Arthur a friendly nudge, as Arthur had given him on many an occasion. That, more than the words, told him exactly how much Merlin understood him.
Merlin stood. "Wait," Arthur said. He may not be good with words, but Merlin deserved to hear this. Arthur stood and looked him in the eye. "Merlin," he paused nervously before continuing, "You're as brave as any knight and I value your council more highly than any knight or adviser. Camelot would never have become what it is without you. I wouldn't..." his voice caught and he coughed, looking away from the tears welling up in Merlin's eyes. "You're a good friend, Merlin. I'm honored." He could say no more. Merlin gave a short nod of understanding.
"'Till our fates catch us, then?" Merlin laughed, wiping at his eyes.
Arthur clapped his arm across his shoulder. "I think I've got some armor that needs polishing before then." Merlin laughed again and this time Arthur joined him.
It would be many years and many more laughs before their fates finally did meet them, together.