Who wants to live forever,
Who dares to love forever,
When love must die.
~

You have talked about it for a couple of weeks now, and even though you are sure, Carmilla still has her doubts. The dark haired girl has tried to convince you not to go through with it, she had spelled out the numerous dangers and downsides, but you made your decision a long time ago.

"I trust you." you mumble against Carmilla's lips as they are pressed against your own for the thousands time that night.

The other woman doesn't reply with words, but instead places another kiss on the corner of your mouth.

"Please, Carmilla, I want it to be you."

In one fluid movement, the vampire lowers her head and eyes your neck tentatively. You immediately take in a shaky breath and bend your neck a bit to the side, exposing more of the pale flesh to Carmilla. Your breath hitches when you feel cold lips make contact with your skin, and you brace yourself for the searing pain that you have only felt once before.

Carmilla kisses your neck once, carefully touching the two old scars with her lips. Your pulse quickens and your heartbeat picks up in anticipation.

But nothing happens.

Carmilla detaches her lips and leans back.

She won't do it.

For days after that, you won't look Carmilla in the eyes. You avoid her gaze every time the dark haired woman lays her eyes upon you.

You are mad, and Carmilla knows it.

It would just be a matter of time before all this underlying tension would burst.

A few days later, it did.

"Why won't you just do it?" You are yelling, momentarily not caring about the neighbours or anyone else in close enough proximity to overhear the conversation.

Carmilla hides her face behind her book.

"We've talked about it, and even though I know you're not really fond of the idea, you never said you were fully against it either." You pause to take a breath, "So why won't you?" The question comes out with more desperation than you intend, but you can't find yourself to care.

Carmilla lowers her book and looks at you standing before her in your living room. Without saying anything, she stands up from the couch and steps closer to you. She moves into your personal space and lets her forehead touch yours softly.

"Please talk to me, Carmilla." You whisper.

"I'm a monster, Laura." She says after being quiet for a long time, looking down. "I know you don't think I am, but I know I am. When Maman made me like this, she took away my innocence, my life and my humanity. I'm a monster, I am a creature that is cursed to live forever. I had to watch my family die, I had to watch everyone I cared about grow old and waste away. I live forever, but at a terrible cost. I'm alone."

She is quiet for a moment and she finally meets your eyes, "I can't do that to you." the last part she speaks out softly, so softly that it is almost inaudible. Carmilla's voice is drenched in pain and sorrow, and you can see many unshed tears in the dark eyes in front of you.

Neither of you say anything for a while, until you break the silence,

"But don't you see?" you use a finger to lift Carmilla's chin up so you are once again able to look at her. "You don't have to be alone anymore. You have me."

"You will always have me." You whisper in her ear.

It hurts more than you could have imagined.

It wasn't so much the bite itself that hurt, but the series of sensations that it set in motion.

It feels like there is ice cold water running through your veins, making you feel numb yet in intense pain at the same time. Your head is throbbing and pounding and your neck feels like it is on fire. You can feel the fire spread down towards your chest, and you wanted to claw at your skin and tear it apart to let this raging fire escape.

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you can feel something restricting you from moving. You know you are screaming, and that there are tears running down your face, but your body isn't allowing you to move. Or maybe it is the thing that has a hold on your wrists that makes it impossible for you to fight.

Your eyes are wide open, but the only thing you can see is darkness.

All your senses are overwhelmed by the pitch black void that is surrounding you. Nothing, not even the tiniest sliver of light can reach you, and you feel yourself descend more and more into the darkness.

Suddenly, a sound pierces your ears. It is loud but sounds far away at the same time, like someone is screaming at you while you are under water.

You try to listen to it, ignoring the rapid beating of your heart and the pounding in your head. You try to drown out your own screams and cries in order to hear.

But no matter how hard you try, you cannot understand what you are hearing. The sounds your body is making are too loud.

You give up trying.

The only sound reaching your ears now is the sound of your veins crumbling, dying, and that of you heartbeat that is slowly fading away.

Until it stops.

Everything feels off. You can feel the universe protesting against you, like it' s trying with all its might to get rid of you. You are wrong. You don't belong here anymore.

But as you slowly start to feel better, you start to catch glimpses of your surroundings every once in a while.

You died, but yet you are still alive. You can hear and see. You can feel and taste.

You feel so much.

You never really knew how to imagine having vampire senses. But you have to say, you are a little disappointed. You expected to be able to see every particle of dust as it would drift around you in the air, you expected to be able to hear dogs bark that were miles away from you. But you can't.

The only thing you see are white spots in your vision, and the only thing you can hear is someone softly saying your name.

It sounds urgent, and you slowly look around you to figure out where it comes from. It only takes you a couple of seconds to realize its Carmilla who is lying next to you in the grass. And when she sees you look at her, she falls silent. You stare at her, not able to move your eyes away from hers.

She sits up, and you try to do the same, but she gently pushes you back against the cold ground.

"Don't move." She tells you and you obey.

You feel too weak to move anyway.

She brings a cup to your lips, and holds up your head with her other hand. At first you are confused, but when you inhale deeply you are overcome with something you can only describe as animalistic instincts. You are suddenly aware of nothing but the smell of fresh blood that invades your senses.

And you drink.

You drink until the cup is empty and Carmilla takes it away from your lips. Even then you are not satisfied, but she pushes you down again, gently.

You start to feel warm, like when you drank hot chocolate when you were human and it warms you from the inside. Only this wasn't hot chocolate, it was blood.

You feel sick, and it takes all of your willpower to keep it down and not throw up.

The next time you wake up, Carmilla is still by your side. As soon as you open your eyes, she scoots closer and presses another glass against your lips.

You drink again and you still have to fight to keep it down.

You wonder if it will get any easier.

You hope it will.

It takes nine days before Camilla is convinced you're strong enough to stand up. Your muscles feel sore. You don't know if it' s from lying on the ground for several days or because you tensed them while you were changing, or maybe even because you have to get used to a new kind of body.

You realize quite soon that you don't feel pain or cold anymore. When you lift your arm and let your fingers run over your neck, you can't feel any scars. You ask Carmilla if they're still there, and she tells you they've disappeared. You don't really know how, but you figure that it's a question for another day.

You get in the car and look back at the clearing where you died.

You still have to get used to it, you died.

You can't return to your apartment, both of you have decided it was better not to tell anyone so you just packed your stuff and took off. At first you thought it was kind of a romantic idea, running off into the sunset with the woman you love, but now that it is actually happening, you start to feel sad.

Only now it dawns on you that you will never be able to see Perry, LaFontaine, Danny or your dad again. And hell, you even start to miss seeing Kirsch.

You feel a hand gliding in yours and you intertwine your fingers with Carmilla's. You look at her and you are pretty sure your sadness is visible in your face. You don't even try to hold back your tears. Carmilla squeezes your hand and starts the car.

You need to get out of here. As far away from your old life as possible.

You cry silently when you look out of the window and see the small town slowly disappear from view. Carmilla still hasn't said a word, and you're glad.

You drive for hours and you stopped crying a long time ago. For the first time in nine days, you start to feel a little happy.

"Ready for your new life, Cupcake?" Carmilla asks her when she parks the car in front of a dirty motel.

You nod.

Your girlfriend smiles at you and leans forward to kiss you. It's the first time you've kissed since you became a vampire, and after gaining strength for days, you are finally starting to see the benefit of the heightened vampire senses.

The lips against yours feel softer than ever and you can smell Carmilla very clearly.

Before, she always smelled like blood and books to you, but now you can make out at least five different smells.

You can smell yourself on her and it mingles perfectly with Carmilla's own unique scent.

The kiss doesn't last long because you're both tired. Once you've gotten out of the car, you reach for her hand and kiss her on the cheek.

You whisper I love you in her ear and she smiles.

The first apartment you buy together is in New York. It sounded like some sort of cliché for you, but you had always wanted to go there. For Carmilla it was the fourth time she went there, but the last visit had been at least fifty years ago so she had nothing against the idea.

It's a small apartment in the middle of the city, and even though it's not even big enough for a decent dinner table, it is enough for the both of you.

Having vampire strength makes it easier to carry furniture up the stairs and it only takes you half an hour to carry everything upstairs.

You are now standing in the middle of the cramped living room, arms hanging motionless besides your body. You can clearly hear people walking past the building you now call home. You hear their footsteps, their chatter and the beating of their hearts. It's all a big jumble of noise, but you block it out. Instead, you tune your ears towards your own body.

You hear nothing.

You know you should be used to it by now, after all, you've been dead for over three weeks, but the absence of a heartbeat still feels odd to you. Carmilla said you will soon stop thinking about it, and you believe her.

The front door squeaks when Carmilla comes in, holding a plastic bag in her hand.

"Hey." She says.

"Hey." You reply, looking curiously at the mysterious plastic bag.

"I got us new phones."

You had both disposed of your old phones a while ago so that neither of you would be tempted to contact any of your old friends, and in your case, family. It turned out that faking your own death is surprisingly easy.

Laura avoided thinking about the consequences of their act on her dad and her friends because she knew that as soon as she would think about them too long, she would regret her decision and run back to the safety of her old life. Which she knew was impossible.

So instead you just thought about what Carmilla had told you the day you both drove away from the place you were turned. She had told you that she had taken care of everything. A first you didn't like to think what that 'everything' had meant, but it hadn't taken you very long before it dawned on you.

Carmilla had made sure no one would go looking for you. You two couldn't just disappear. You knew your dad would never stop searching for you unless.. unless there would be a body for him to find.

You never asked Carmilla just how she had managed that. You didn't feel ready yet to gain that knowledge. So you pretended not to know. You bite your lip.

It was easier than worrying.

Your first year as a vampire flies by surprisingly fast. Not much happens after you two move into that tiny apartment in New York. You two fight occasionally, and one time it even resulted in you storming off in the middle of the night.

You had thought that since you were a vampire now, a creature you can't kill, walking around alone in the streets of a big city at night would be safe. Nothing could have been less true.

Sure, you could easily fight off anyone that would try to hurt you, but your strength didn't make the dark alleyways lighter, or creepy corners of public parks seem less scary.

You had laughed at that. You, a creature of the night, scared of the dark. But it was true nonetheless. The only time you truly felt safe was when Carmilla was near you. The much older vampire had a lot more experience, and she always knew exactly what to say to you to make you feel comfortable.

You didn't stay outside for long that night, and returned to Carmilla only hours after you left.

You whispered sorry while you curled up around her in bed. She kissed your forehead and smiled, never opening her eyes.

From that moment on, both of you knew something had changed, but neither was brave enough to admit it yet.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night when Carmilla is fast asleep, you cry.

You cry for your dad. Moments like this make you miss him more than ever. But you also realize that it was your own choice.

Back then you thought you had made the right decision, but in the middle of the night, when you are surrounded by nothing but darkness, the doubts get the better of you.

Life with Carmilla is good, perfect even for some days. But it's also hard. Neither of you really go out to make friends, knowing you will need to leave them rather sooner than later anyway. It won't be long before they will start to make comments on how you never look a day older. So you just don't bother with making friends.

You're lonely. You've always been a social person, and being cooped up with Carmilla all the time gets more suffocating every day.

Some days you think about running away, going back to your dad and your old friends back in Styria. You are sure that after a while they would forgive you and let you back into their lives.

At one point, your home sickness had gotten so bad that you started packing. Throwing some clean shirts into a bag and walking out the door. As soon as the cold outside air had reached your face, you had realized what you were doing and ran back inside.

Thank god Carmilla hadn't been home to witness your pathetic little outburst.

You two never really talk about the past. Every time you bring up visiting, just so you can see how they're all doing, she disappears into her shell and you back down.

She says it will get better. In a few decades everyone you know will be dead and gone, and you won't feel the constant urge to run back into their arms.

You wish it was that easy.

After living in New York for five years, you feel sick of the city.

"Can we go somewhere else now?" You ask Carmilla one day.

"Sure." She replies, "Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know. Where do you want to go?"

She shrugs. It's just a simple movement, but it pisses you off to no end. You miss the tension between you and her. You miss how you could tease her endlessly. God, you even miss the way you could fight with her. Insults flying over from one to the other and back, getting hurt.

Hurt seems better than this indifference.

But instead of acting out, you swallow.

"What do you think of France? I've always wanted to go there."

"Sure." She says.

"That's it? Don't you get a say in this?" You feel agitated.

"I don't really care where we go."

"Why not?" You ask.

"It's just a place. A bed to sleep and a roof over our heads. It doesn't matter to me where that is."

You then realize that she has probably already seen the whole world. She has probably been to France at least a dozen times before, as she will have been in the next country you will choose to go to. Just before you can spit out an angry remark, she speaks up again.

"It only matters to me that you are there with me." The words are uttered softly, but you can hear them anyway.

All your anger melts away and is replaced by something else, something you've been starting to recognize as happiness.

"France it is then." You say.

It takes your dad 39 years to die.

He dies of old age in a nursing home. Alone.

Your friends live longer, but after 30 more years, everyone you knew has died.

You thought it would hurt, and it did. Just not as much as you thought it would. As you though it had to.

It feels freeing. The first time you admit that to Carmilla out loud, you were so shocked you took a step backwards. But Carmilla just smiled at her sadly.

"I know." She had simply said.

And suddenly you feel like you can understand your girlfriend so much better. She had already gone through this, only she hadn't had any support.

You make love to her that night, not being able to talk without crying. Instead you hoped your body would speak for you.

Carmilla seems to understand. You are thankful for that.

You go to your dad funeral, dressed in black and with a hat to shield your face. You hope no one will recognize you, but everyone seems so caught up with their own emotions that no one notices the girl standing by the tree on the other end of the cemetery.

Carmilla is with you, and together you watch as your dad's coffin gets lowered down into the ground.

Thanks to your vampire senses you can hear what is being said without having to walk closer. You listen to people talk about your dad, saying some last kind words before turning around and walking away, head bowed down.

Your grip on Carmilla's hand is tight, but you don't cry.

When everyone has left, you look around to see if you are now alone. When you are sure you two are the only ones still around, you come out from under the tree and walk over to your dad's new resting place.

You crouch down and place one hand on the grass in front of you.

"Do you want me to leave you alone for a bit?" You hear Carmilla ask behind you.

You nod. You hear her walk away and follow her footsteps until they stop under the tree. You know she will be able to hear what you say from there, but you don't care.

"Hey dad. Long time no see." You start and you let out a dry laugh.

"I know this won't help, but now you can see that I am safe. I know I am a little bit too late, but I hope you can forgive me." You stop talking for a moment and you take a breath, trying to ignore how your voice shakes.

"You never had the chance of seeing me grow up, and I am truly sorry for that. I know you would have loved to have grand children one day and to be a granddad. I know you would have spoiled them endlessly." You smile.

"But all my life you have raised me and taught me to stand up for myself and to make my own choices. And I did. I choose Carmilla and I choose to live forever, with her. I know you only met her once, but she really is an amazing girlfriend. She gave me so much and asked so little in return. She loved me when I was not able to love myself. I know you would have loved her too, and I hope you can forgive me for the choice I made." You let out a sob, but continue talking anyway.

"I hope that someday you can forgive me and see that I am happy now." You stand up, "The dad that I knew would be able to do that."

You hear Carmilla come up behind you and you reach out behind you, her hand finding yours and your fingers intertwine.

"I love you dad, I always will." You say, finally letting the tears fall freely.

Carmilla gathers you up in her arms and lets you cry on her shoulder. She softly rocks you and whispers soothing things in your ear. It doesn't calm you down immediately, but after a good couple minutes you start to feel better. You sniff and wipe your eyes with the back of your hand.

"Can we go now?" You manage to get out. You hate how rough and hoarse your voice sounds, but Carmilla doesn't seem to mind.

"Yes." She says and she pulls you away from the fresh grave. Your dads grave.

Together you walk away, down the long path that leads away from the place that grips your heart with sadness. The car is waiting for you, and you get in without caring much of who drives. Thankfully Carmilla is the one who sits behind the steering wheel.

She starts the car and drives you away from the cemetery.

You don't look back.

You decide to get married on a warm summer afternoon. You are currently living in Italy and Carmilla is feeding you grapes when she asks you.

"Would you like to get married?"

You are too stunned to answer, and your jaw drops. You never really given marriage a thought. Could they even get legally married? Probably not.

"You mean us?" You stammer.

"Yeah." Carmilla tries to act cool and collected, but you've been together long enough to recognise that she is feeling rather nervous.

"I mean, we can't just walk up to a chapel and ask to be married. Neither of us should still exist in this world." You laugh at that. It's a happy laugh.

"But I mean, if you would want that, I'm sure we can find one that is willing to marry us."

"I would love to get married to you, Carmilla Karnstein. And I don't need a chapel or fancy party. I just want it to be us." You tell her.

"I don't even need a ring."

"Good thing I don't have one." Carmilla says, winking.

She hold another grape in front of your face and you part your lips.

"So, that's a yes then?" She asks.

"Yes." You reply with a grin.

She leans down and kisses you, letting the grape fall on the ground, now long forgotten.

The sun is setting behind the mountains and it's giving Carmilla a glow. You think she looks beautiful.

For the first time since you lost your dad, you feel truly happy. Things will start to look up from now on. You are sure.

You get married a month after Carmilla proposed. It's nothing big or fancy, just the two of you and two rings.

You decided that you both wanted something to make it feel more real. Since you can't have your marriage legalized, you both needed something to hold on to. You settled for a ring.

It's a simple one, a thin golden band with a small diamond. By now you can afford much more, but you didn't feel like you needed to. You have each other's names engraved on the inside of the rings with a curly font.

You say your vows and Carmilla says hers. When you kiss you slip her ring around her finger. She does the same for you.

Even though you have no piece of paper to prove it, you are now married. You both keep your own last names, out of sentimental value.

You kiss her again and again and you both smile like fools. Happy fools.

Very happy fools.

You adopt a cat not long after you got married. You moved to Belgium and so far you really like it here. The people are nice and the views are always spectacular. Even after years walking around on this planet, things like that are still able to amaze you.

You call the cat Molly and you love her to bits. Carmilla seems a lot less fond of your new friend, but she warms up to her sooner than you expected.

When Molly is a few years old, you celebrate your 100th birthday. Or well, you celebrate your 100th year as a vampire. You stopped celebrating your real birthday decades ago.

You come home that day to find both Carmilla and Molly in the garden. Molly is asleep on Carmilla's lap, and the dark haired girl is absentmindedly stroking her black fur.

You notice a card on the kitchen table, next to it is a small box. When you open it you see a cupcake. Blood red frosting covers the top, little heart sprinkled al over it.

You smile and suddenly it gets really clear for you. Looking at your girlfriend sitting in the garden while opening the card, you realise something and it hits you hard. But in a good way.

Carmilla turns around and smiles at you, and that's how you know you made the right decision all those years ago. You are finally sure that you chose right and you no longer have any regrets.

You are happy and you have Carmilla next to you. You have forever to love her and for now, that is enough.