Good Times, Good Times
Squidward. 15. Charming man, but – let's face it – insane. Insane over one girl, and (hopefully) her sweet sweet kisses… Rerelease.
Have you ever been to a cinema to find that a movie made years ago is getting a special screening for a new audience?
…No? Am I the only one that's happened to?
Never mind then. I'll just say that this fic may be familiar to people who have read my stories from the very beginning of my fanfiction era (June 2006 onwards) – as this is the first fanfiction I ever truly wrote.
At the time, I started this lame policy, with complete disregard to the rules, of having the public decide my ending for me. Then I came across it: at the time I called it "writer's block", but in reality it was the urge to move on to a better and much improved story. So I put up a hiatus and let it rot.
However, it has occurred in my mind several times since the hiatus started that maybe it would have been better off my publishing this simply as a one-shot, and having the fic end as it did. After all, a 2-part story was simply too much work at the time. Therefore, I decided to purge the original, and give it a much-needed rerelease for a new audience...except with new and better wording for certain plot points, the addition of something more scandalous, the deletion of some line breaks, and my Mary-Sue becoming slightly more realistic (only slightly, though – I can't work miracles).
I mean, come on. How many people can say they haven't honestly considered doing this for their own first fan-fic? …No? Am I the only one that has happened to as well?
So for those who didn't know about this, oh!! New fic! And for those who remember it from eons ago, check out anyway, there might be something new for you amidst all the cosmetic changes.
Disclaimer: Steven Hillenburg would tan my hide if I owned SpongeBob SquarePants and released this fan-fic anyway. The only people I even remotely own are Squilid and Lisi (we'll get to them in a minute).
Come on, Squid. Just do it. Get in there and do it.
The same thought circulated through his young head over and over again. But he still couldn't find the impulse to follow its instructions and just get the hell into Makeout Reef.
You know, as you do.
Squidward, just do it. Trust me; it'll be easier on the both of us.
He had to admit his conscience had a point. It was either this or live a solitary life, being a virgin until he hit 50, having never even kissed a girl. What did he have to lose?
You know, besides the whole virgin thing.
He still couldn't believe he'd gone along with it. He'd only found it out this afternoon, but it seemed hours since then. Hours since he'd gotten the news that he hoped was going to change his social life forever... not to mention his non-existent relationship with Lisi.
Lisi Electrix. The queen bee, the femme fatale, the top dog, the pinnacle of all that was sexy in Calamari High. Understatement. Long black bangs, full lipsticked smackers, and piercing red eyes that could see right through people and look directly to the soul... Not to mention the Barbie-esque proportions (how she'd gotten that look without plastic surgery no one had any idea). Electrix was an apt name for the sophomore.
Not surprisingly, every straight male (and gay girl) in the entire school was bonkers about Lisi, and anyone who said the contrary promptly stepped into pariah territory. To be honest, it was a wonder anyone got any work done. (Is that not true of all high school dramas?)
But it was Squidward, or Squid to give him his nickname, who probably loved her most of all, and to prove it he was always taking drastic measures.
Pity she was so damn insatiable.
When one dude promised her a manicure in a solid gold bathtub, Squid promised a massage on an emerald bed encrusted with rubies.
When another man took her on a trip to the biggest swimming pool around, Squid begged her to go with him to the nearest 5 luxury spas, on him.
When one of the juniors gave her 1000 private yachts each with their own private island – and yes, Squilliam actually could fulfill that offer – Squid... just sent some flowers. His reasoning that time was that he "couldn't think of much to give to the girl who has everything".
Yet every time, Lisi would gently turn him down. After all, such extravagant gifts only come round once in a lifetime…or in her case, once every few months.
Despite this, he kept trying and trying to get her, even with all the rejections he'd suffered since love first blinded his vision in his back catalog. You had to admire his bulldog determination; that much could be said.
Luck was never on his side, but still.
Then – this very day, just before 5th period, something showed him a handy shortcut. No, someone. Someone called Squilid "Squalid" Jackson.
And now, Squidward was waiting for Lisi to arrive at Makeout Reef. And for her to give him the kiss of his life.
...His life. That was how long the wait felt to Squid, a lifetime. Though it was only five minutes to midnight right now. Who knew that a few measly minutes could seem so... long?
Squidward Johansson Tentacles, you get in there this instant. Don't make me come up there!!
He sighed. There was that voice in his head again, moan moan moan, groan groan groan. He decided to remember back to the conversation; if only to shut the little bugger up.
It had happened rather matter-of-factly, he seemed to recall. Squidward and Squilid had been discussing the usual stuff freshmen talk about, y'know, sex, drugs, violence, who won the local basketball championship. (A far wider range of topics than is commonly believed for the male of the species.)
(Just kidding, man fans.)
Squid had been rather reluctantly handing over his bet money – gambling on said basketball was not his forte - when the conversation switched to Lisi.
Squidward remembered Squilid's response crystal clear. Why wouldn't he? He'd been rehearsing it in his head for the rest of the afternoon.
Squilid had turned to him, having put the moolah into his bag, and remarked, "Oh, that reminds me. I've just been talking to Lisi, and between you and me –" he looked around to make sure no one else was listening – "I think she's got the hots for you."
This had definitely surprised Squid at first. Lisi? The hots? For him? With his neon-keen social studies skills, he'd known just what to say at this point.
"You're kidding!"
An irritated tentacle suddenly covering his mouth had made him think again. "Not here, you barnacle brain!" Squilid had hissed. "Can't you see there are sane peoplearound?"
Squid had pulled away. "Sorry," he'd muttered. "It's just... Lisi? Me?! You've gotta be kidding me!!"
"It's true! She told me she's suddenly infatuated by your, er... maternal instincts."
"Really?" Squid had blushed here.
Squilid nodded in earnest. "And she says you look cute in that hat!"
The hat. That old baseball cap Squidward always wore to (unsuccessfully) cover that long blonde hair of his. And she thought it cute?!
It was fortunate that Squidward didn't faint here. As it was, he was so shocked at this, that Squilid's next comment almost hadn't registered:
"What's more, she wants to meet you in Makeout Reef at midnight!"
Then he fainted.
Which brings us back to Squidward, thankfully awake, waiting for the last chime of midnight to pass out. One bell down, eleven to go.
He really shouldn't have been up this late, not if it was any other girl. Even he had a curfew.
But Lisi beat curfew like rock beat scissors. Simple equation.
So shouldn't he have gone in by now?
Well? So are you going in or what?
Hang on a sec, he was thinking.
Yes, Squid had his what-ifs. What-if she turned out to be a bad kisser? What-if he turned out to be a bad kisser? What-if she didn't show up? Or… even worse… what-if she suddenly turned out to be HIV+ or something?!
(thought the smartest person in the world.)
Sure, he had his doubts. But all four of them were cancelled out by the massive prize he hoped to gain… the love of his Lisi.
His Lisi. No one else's. His alone.
This was gonna be the best night ever.
It chimed midnight. This was it.
Time to go in and show Lisi that he was worth something.
Quietly, quietly, he took a deep breath. OK. Here we go.
He stepped into Makeout Reef --
But nothing.
Nothing, not a sign, nor a sound, of anyone even closely resembling Lisi in this lonely desolated place. Boat mobiles dotted all over the cliff edge, about fifty seaweed bushes, and a few pieces of waving kelp here and there, but that was about it. Nobody there. Not that he could see.
But more importantly, no Lisi.
"Psst. Hello?" a hushed voice whispered, sounding slightly agitated.
Speak of the Dutchman. Knowing his luck, she'd probably shown up 5 minutes before. He wouldn't put it past her – for being so sexy, she was a conniving little bitch. (Massive turn-on right there.)
"Hello? Where are you? Anyone?"
Still, he was here now, so, as his conscience put it, may as well get on with it. "I'm over here," he whispered. "Where are you?"
"I'm in the bush."
The bush? The bush where? The bush near the cliff edge? The bush parked between the limo and the Boatsan? The bush floating around the second star to the right and straight on 'til morning?
Actually, that last one would have made a great make out point. Kissing dames and fighting Captain Hook.
Fortunately, the right bush had the decency to shake, implying someone was inside (it was the one next to the Vauxhall). "Come on, slowpoke! You're missing out on some good stuff here!"
This was enough for Squidward. He crept over like worm-hounds were snapping at his heels, and crawled into the bush.
Naturally, there wasn't much room for two inside the multitude of thorns, leaves and pitch black; he definitely didn't want the Dumb Waiter incident to repeat itself. There was also the fact that even though he wasn't exactly the 40-year-old virgin, his sex life had basically been naught until now.
So who could blamehim for being nervous?
After all, he'd already lost one girl to fate (Poppy Puff, anyone?); he wasn't about to lose this one.
He was about to mention his fears to Lisi.
But she kissed him before he could, and both nerves and mind exploded.
As it turns out, Squidward wasn't as bad a kisser as he'd thought. At least…he hoped he wasn't as bad a kisser.
Lisi was better either way. She was a lot more eager than his fantasies had told him, very hungry for the lust. But she certainly knew how to exercise those tongue muscles. No, really; they'd literally gone from regular kissing to the French kind in less than a minute.
Squid didn't know why, but it felt right to do so. He felt so… relaxed, here in the bush. Almost at home; like this was the place he was born to be.
With Lisi.
This was his lifelong dream, sitting in Makeout Reef, in the witching hour, kissing the girl of his deepest fantasies. And she was actually kissing him back. This was the thing he'd been waiting for, for the past few months…years, even.
So why do I get the feeling you're being watched?
Pfft. His conscience again. Squid didn't have time for it right now; he had other things on his mind. Uh, his lips.
And not just the lips. By now she was attacking the neck, him leaning back to give her better access, and both of them more pleasure. OK, it was getting a little hot and heavy for his liking, but he felt fine with it. As long as she was nearby, he was happy.
And horny.
Why had possessed him to wear his best tuxedo pants tonight? He felt tighter than he'd ever felt before; Lisi had gotten him so hot, his hair was just as stiff as everything else. He was gonna burst if he didn't satisfy his need soon.
Well…OK, he was only 15, so he couldn't legally satisfy his need anyway, even if his hard-on was (metaphorically) boring a hole in the fabric. But then, nothing that a quick solo on the devil's clarinet wouldn't cure.
So for now he had to make do with just grabbing her in the hungriest kiss he'd ever dreamed of giving. Not that this was poor compensation.
I mean, geez. After months of waiting, this was more like it. To be honest, he couldn't believe she'd actually come through for him! After all the rejections even! He was smart not to pass a chance like this up…
Soft moans from his girl – damnit, his girl – snapped him out of the dozy afterthoughts. The two of them quickly broke apart, sweat dripping.
That's when he noticed something. That last kiss had somehow put him on top of her. And though he couldn't see it, he could sense it – her legs so close to his face.
He was in prime position to…
Oh, hang the legalities. He had to cop a feel. He was just that horny.
Slowly, gingerly, his tentacle tried to find her leg. It took two attempts to actually get it – but when he did, god did it tingle. So smooth. Had she waxed just for tonight?
Stroooooke up. A catch of breath. A failed try of getting the---
Oh god, she wasn't wearing panties.
More moans, more hitched breaths. Steeling himself. Horniness fit to burst. His hand made the jump, from leg to groin.
OH GOD THE TINGLES. He had to stop himself from crying out, every pore of his tentacle caressing the –
Freeze. All that was pleasurable suddenly…stopped. Brain crash.
Wait a minute. What was he…?
That was not a…
Was that supposed to be a…
Did she really have…
How long had he…
"I…" Squidward choked out eventually. "I didn't…know you were a hermaphrodite, Lisi."
If that wasn't confusing enough, what she said next really surprised him.
"Lisi? I'm not Lisi, you're Lisi!"
"What?" he cried as he pulled away, realizing that his hand was still on…there. "I can't be Lisi!"
"Well, I'm certainly not Lisi."
"Nor am I!" That voice…why did it sound familiar?
"Now this is getting ridiculous; at least one of us has to be Lisi."
"And it's not me!"
"But then who are—"
That was when a flashlight chanced to turn on the two in the bush; God shedding the light on the subject, if you like. True, it wasn't exactly the best of angles, but it didn't get in anyone's eyes, enabling Squidward to get a better look at --
"SQUILLIAM?!"
"SQUIDWARD?!"
It was hard to tell who screamed the louder.
Oh very crap. Squidward hadn't been kissing his one true love, as he'd thought, but had instead locked lips with Squilliam Fancyson of all people! His archrival since primary! His nemesis! His enemy! His --
All right already!
And a naked Squilliam Fancyson at that! (Not even trying to cover his modesty, he unwillingly noted.)
Oh god! And Squid had touched his --
And he actually liked---!!
"AGH! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!"
And as if to show him that hey, it actually can get any worse, guess who was holding the flashlight, sitting in the nearest boat mobile and laughing his butt off, with a whole crowd of onlookers passing him what looked like ten dollars each?
Squilid Jackson. The man who'd obviously tricked Squilliam and Squid into thinking exactly the same thing, all for a little bit of profit on his behalf.
They didn't call him "Squalid" Squilid for nothing.
Given the options, who wouldn't have made like a naked/half-naked calamari and bolted for his life?
Squidward only ever referred to the painful incident once more in his life. It was when he was forced to give SpongeBob advice for the hot date the sponge had coming up (in danger of having his pay docked).
All he said was this: "If you go to find her nether regions and she…doesn't have what you expect, let's put it like that, she's probably not a girl. And I'd recommend you steer clear of kissing them after that. Otherwise you might have a warped sexual orientation for the rest of your life.
"Don't ask me how I know this.
"Please. PLEASE. Don't ask me how I know this."