This missive is ages beyond what is considered 'appropriate timing', yet here I write, quite foolishly, in the hopes of some sort of resolution. Or at least to enlighten you upon the situation that I find myself in. Perhaps I should preface this by stating that I am indeed seeking your forgiveness, whether accompanied by some sort of penance that I must dole out or not. If this instead causes you to loathe me even more, I can only say at this stage that I have done more than enough to deserve it, and will strive no longer for any kind of resolution between us.
I am not a nice man. Some could argue that I'm not even a man at all, or even go so far as to refute that statement entirely, citing the many positive things that I have done in my life. Indeed, those people are fools, misguided as they are. Far too many people had to rationalize the truth of reality as they matured and understood that issues are far too complex for a binary 'good' and 'evil'. Even when they accepted a striated system of shades of grey instead of the Light and Dark, rarely could anyone truly be that Dark. At times like this, when I am haunted by my countless misdeeds and betrayals, I realize how far away I am from resembling anything remotely decent.
Again, I am not a good man. I have simply strived to do good deeds, and even then, it wasn't all a selfless act. Even when I had reached out to someone with nothing that I desire or want, time would eventually play them as the fool as I would twist such situations until I have indeed profited from the arrangement. I've been possessive, greedy, envious, and malicious when it comes to attaining my desires. In doing so, I've made decisions that have crushed friendships over
the years and the hollowness that is at the center of my soul is something that I cannot deny.
At times I am bitter, disheartened, and callous. I am also unyielding and willing to say the truth of a matter, regardless of what social niceties may dictate. This is not me expounding on my better qualities, but rather a way to understand my candor before I march myself to the proverbial gallows.
Perhaps that is why I am writing this at long last. There have been so many moments where I was stricken and hurt, and I did all that I could to lash back and hurt others back as I had felt slighted, without any remorse over my actions to those I had considered so dear to me. It was a childish attempt at equivalent exchange; as if there were a quantifiable amount of resentment, hurt, and anger that could be balanced if only I verbally swung back after being so battered. Such scales have never existed.
Why had I ever thought that such behavior would endear me to make and maintain friendships? In truth, I lack an acceptable theory. Perhaps it is too late to comprehend. I shall not attempt to excuse my conduct with whinging about my sullen and abused childhood, as many others are wont to do. As a young man, I quickly learned I possessed few talents, and fewer friends. I gleaned a scant education from books and the occasional eavesdropping on less observant classmates. I will not detail every friendship that now lies in tatters, but suffice to say that, unlike many others, I regret each friendship that I destroyed.
Your eyes aren't the first to fade in my memory as a friendship lay ruined, yet I hope that it doesn't come to pass once again. Even now, I feel haunted by the fact that I cannot recall all of your details due to the length of time that we haven't spoken. I am uncertain how we would resume a conversation now, knowing how far I pushed you away by my actions.
In one case in particular, I was too young and naïve to comprehend that I had offended a loved one, which made us lose contact after she had been hospitalized. I find myself unable and unwilling to look her up, for I fear that my final apology to my first love will have to be directed to her tombstone.
All I can say now is that I deeply and humbly regret having been with you the way I had. The pattern is abhorrent in retrospect, and my chances at regaining friendships with you and many others are as dead and gone as if I had helped pour dirt on the casket myself. Indeed, I did have an opportunity to reverse the waning friendship. Yet I was arrogant; too blinded by my own perspective to witness what I had done to you.
By then, it was too late. You said it was over, that you had nothing left to say as you walked out of my life. Perhaps you knew then that I finally realized that I had taken things too far, and the crushing remorse that I have endured has only been compounded by knowing that you weren't the first to learn to loathe me for who I am. That those whom I have held so dear and loved now see me as an anathema. However, the person who hates me the most for who I am now, standing at the rubble of so many crumbled friendships, is myself.
Such words I uttered at you in a moment of weakness were not just wrong, but entirely wrong to the point of being horrific. Indeed, it wasn't even a single moment of weakness, but a continuous cycle instigated by words and actions that were never meant to cut me as deep as they had.
In closing, I seek absolution from you whom I have wronged for how I have been in the past, yet unsure if I will ever be able to change. It is said that one can only change one's self once they have forgiven themselves for what had happened. Tonight is one of those nights when I can observe myself and truly see how lonely I am because of how I have treated those closest to me. I am alone in ways that I had never imagined, and in my ruminations, I can see how utterly alone my life is and will turn out to be since I have driven away so many that have meant so much to me.
I am not a good or nice man. I have simply done good deeds, and strive to continue doing so. I can only pray that you have read this letter in its entirety and are assured by my remorse that I will strive to keep my venomous tongue to myself when I feel slighted and bite back on my witty rhetoric that would otherwise be filled with anger seeking some sort of archaic retribution, for nearly all of those whom I have lost had never deserved that in the first place.