On the 13 day of Christmas my boyfriend phoned me up…

Well, I suppose I should be grateful, you've obviously gone to a lot of trouble and expense – or maybe off your head.

Yes, I did like the birds – the small ones anyway were fun if rather messy, but now the hens have roosted on my bed and the rest are nested on my wardrobe. It's hard to sleep with all that cooing, let alone the cackling of the geese whose eggs are everywhere, but mostly in a broken smelly heap on a sofa. No, why should I mind? I can't get any peace anywhere – the lounge is full of drummers thumping tom-toms and sprawling lords crashed out from manic leaping.

The kitchen is crammed with cows and milkmaids and smells of a million stink- bombs and enough sour milk to last a year. The pipers? I'd forgotten them – they were no trouble, I paid them and they went. But I can't get rid of these young ladies. They won't stop dancing or turn the music down and they're always in the bathroom, squealing as they skid across the floor. No, I don't need a plumber round, it's just the swans – where else can they swim? Poor things, I think they're going mad, like me. When I want to wash my hands one ate the soap, another swallowed the gold rings.

And the pair tree died. Too dry. So thanks for nothing, love.

Goodbye.

Dear tea

Well, I suppose I should be grateful, you've obviously gone to a lot of trouble and expense – or maybe off your head.

Well of course I liked it but why did you send me this in the first place, thanks for nothing I suppose the cat was nice but it doesn't like me and all this garbage what is it for all a bag of rubbish and in the bin, yet again thanks for nothing sorry I will have to break up I'm getting put off.

Seto

Dear tea

Well, I suppose I should be grateful, it might've of been a good idea but I don't like it it's too prickly, and I don't know why but what on earth made you think of that, I sat on the darn thing yesterday now my backside is sore.

Seto

Dear tea

Well, I suppose this time you did something descent chicks and why did I think they were harmless they are vicious they won't stop pecking, and I got holes in my bed.

Seto

Stop sending presents

How to open your Christmas present

Two ways

1.

Open very fast

Don't hesitate!

Rip it tear it

Anywhere who cares?

Don't worry about

The slow coaches

Be first to finish

2.

Be as slow as you can

Just take all day

Start when they finished

And then bug them all day

About the presents you got

Dear Father Christmas

This year I'd like a fly

And a net if you please

Some rubber tape

And glue for once

Last but not least

Could I have panther?

Oh yeah the chimney's blocked

So you have to come through the dog flap

I don't have the key

My parents are out

Thanks best wishes

Dear Father Christmas

This year please bring me

A pet rhinoc…

Rhisoser…

Rhinisus

Rhinsiocerus

Rhisky hoperus

Rhibsipoperus

Er…

I've changed my mind.

Bring me a rabbit instead.

Dear Father Christmas

This year I'd like a cake

Not some old mouldy one

Could it have ice cream?

And lots of cherries please

Last but not least

A big fat marshmallow inside

Make no mistake

I'll be waiting

So don't take all night

Love loadz

Joey

Dear Father Christmas

My turkey's up the tree

Could you please send another one

I could get it down but it refuses

Send it through my turkey flap

As quickly as possible

I'm getting hungry

And my dad is groaning

Please hurry up

Thank you

p.s

I forgot I want something

Big and soft

Thanks again

Dear Father Christmas

Please sent me a dog collar

And a name tag too

A tracker for Joey

He seems to wander the mansion

Some earplugs too Alex's trying to sing

At least I'm being true for once

Thanks a lot

There's a map by the fireplace

Don't get lost

Of all the things to be sent

A porcupine was sent to me

Last new years day

I sat on it

Oh what pain