Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, themes, and stories of YGO and Egyptian/Greek/Roman mythology. This is a work of fiction.

The title and story are allusions to the 12 Labors of Hercules, 12 Years a Slave, and Romeo and Juliet. I do not own those works, either.

Many thanks to the talented Umiko581 for suggestions, encouragement, and artwork. :)

Egypt, The Hall of Kings

Anubis resisted the urge to maim Seto Kaiba.

Barely.

How dare this insolent mortal question the veracity of his existence as the ruler of deceased souls? And in the Hall of Kings, too, where only the greatest of the great Gods deigned to gather for what is obviously the not so great of the mortals. Anubis studied Kaiba with narrowed eyes. Surely this puny person didn't need all four of limbs to function properly. This mortal certainly didn't need all ten of his fingers to stroke his ego. The loss of two or three should be enough to teach him that the Gods were not fairy tales but real, powerful-

Ahem. Ra's telepathic cough interrupted a particularly heinous image, jerking Anubis from a very satisfying and very painful answer to Seto Kaiba's attitude problem.

Right. Anubis sighed as he shelved his plans. Must. Not. Hurt. Human. Yet.

Oblivious to Anubis' wrath, Seto Kaiba continued to rail against the most realistic nightmare he has ever experienced. There, suspended in time, kneeling before a large stone statute of a dog, was his doppelganger, begging the Gods for one last chance to save some fool named Kisara from what everyone knows to be a myth adults used to trick children out of Halloween candy. His doppleganger was also dressed in some sort of sheet-like contraption, just like that guy in the creepy house all the neighborhood children whispered about. And this fantastical apparition wanted his help in some idiotic quest to save an imaginary girlfriend from a dilapidated piece of rock.

This is the last time I let Mokuba invite Yugi and those quixotic Ishtars over for dinner, Kaiba thought. He put on his best CEO face and snarled. "Look, whoever you are, I do NOT believe in that hocus pocus mumbo jumbo and I am NOT helping you turn me into a laughingstock. Now release me or prepare to face the wrath of the entire Kaiba Corporation."

Not for the first time, Priest Seto resisted the urge to maim Seto Kaiba, too. Evidently the centuries have not been kind to his future self. Future Kaiba was just as brilliant as he was, but he clearly failed to inherit humility and manners. "Please listen-"

"Spare me the bedtime stories." Kaiba snarled. "I refuse to let a mirage order me around. Do you even know who I am?"

Not for the last time, Priest Seto regretted asking Ra for a partner in his mission to rescue Kisara's soul. Following the ancient tradition, he had challenged Anubis to 12 trials of wit in order to save Kisara from having to spend eternity in the Underworld with the rest of the duel monster spirits. He was hoping Ra would assign him a partner of faith, honor, and intelligence. Someone like Atem, for example. Instead, Ra taxed him with the worst possible combination of arrogance, brilliance, and cynicism- his future self, Seto Kaiba, boy billionaire, and, at the moment, head buffoon to the Egyptian Gods.

Thunk.

Anubis smiled approvingly as Priest Seto kicked Kaiba in the shin, upsetting the human's balance and dropping him to his knees. Hmm, he thought, this one is devious and just the right amount of ruthless. The exact kind of underling I like. Perhaps I will let him keep a few fingers after thoroughly trouncing his intellect.

"Excellent." Anubis pronounced out loud. "By kneeling, you both submit to my conditions. You shall have twelve days to complete my tasks. If you both succeed, I will reunite the slightly brighter one with the soul of his beloved and will not punish the dimmer one. If you both fail, you are to acknowledge my superiority over all of your souls and never bother me again with your insolence and arrogance."

"The only thing you're superior in is your-" Kaiba buckled again as Priest Seto kicked his other shin.

Anubis growled. Yes, four limbs were definitely too many...

Japan, The Kaiba Mansion

"Did it work?" Mokuba asked anxiously. He peered at Kaiba's sleeping form. "Is his soul in Egypt now?"

Ishizu Ishtar patted his head and smiled. "Yes. Judging by the infuriated look on his face, he's already at the Hall of Kings."

"Will he be safe?" Worry filled Mokuba's eyes as he readjusted Kaiba's blankets.

"Priest Seto promised to keep your brother safe during the trials, Mokuba. Don't worry."

Mokuba smiled. "He better. My big brother knows karate and he's not afraid to kick butt."

Egypt, Valley of the Kings

Kaiba acquainted Priest Seto with his black belt status as soon as Anubis deposited them in the middle of the desert. Fists connected with fists as the two wrestled. Grunts echoed as they gave and blocked blows. Sand swirled ominously, but neither noticed until a particularly powerful gust toppled them. Panting, they crawled behind a sand dune, grinding their teeth and silently vowing to break their forced detente as soon as circumstances allowed.

Priest Seto spoke first. "I apologize for kicking you, but it was necessary that you cooperate."

Kaiba glared. He grudgingly admitted to himself that he would have utilized the same tactics had the roles been reversed. Since that was not the case, however, he snapped. "Save it. Get me out of this and maybe I won't press charges."

A papyrus scroll materialized in Priest Seto's hands. To Kaiba's shock, he realized he could read hieroglyphs in this nightmare. Whatever. At least Yugi isn't here to suffocate me with his stupid destiny speeches.

Those who seek me shall not find me

Those deserve me do not want me

When day equals night

I shall be within sight

Three equal parts I am

Two circles whole I form

Enter and you shall find

The deepest desires of your mind

A small, knowing smile crept across Priest Seto's face. So Anubis likes to play?

A matching smirk appeared on Kaiba's face. This is just too easy. Where's the real challenge?

Your turn, reader. Props if you can guess the meaning of this riddle and bonus points if you can guess what the next trial will be (no, it is not wresting an actual lion, but think in the direction of a group of lions).

Hints: Each of the first three couplet refers to something different: thing/time/location. The last couplet is directions. Note Priest Seto and Kaiba's geographic location.