"Oops!"
Sonny felt the rustle of linen sheet being tugged back over his toes, tucked underneath the space between where his heels were perched precariously on either side of Rafael's warm calf.
A gentle, tiny pat on the tip of his pinky toe came next.
"There you go, daddy's feet! All nice and warm!"
Little fingers clutched at the hem of his t-shirt, an elbow was being shoved into a spot that he was quite positive was in the general vicinity of his kidney, and – "Elisa, what in the world are you doing?"
"Shh, daddy!"
Her green eyes shown wide, illuminated by the barely-there glow of early morning sunlight as she threw an index finger over her lips, nuzzling even farther into Sonny's chest until her nose was pressed against his.
"Daddy's sleeping!"
He chuckled, threw a hand over his eyes and rubbed until the neon symbols swimming in his line of sight solidified into the lines and curves of tangible numbers.
5:30.
"Elisa," he groaned. "Do I even want to know why you're out of bed this early?"
"It's my big day! Remember?"
Her head moved a fraction of an inch until her lips found the tip of Sonny's nose in a peck; a warmth that seemed to arrive only with the gentle affections of his husband and daughter settled easily behind Sonny's breastbone, and he sighed as Elisa fit her underneath the jut of his chin once more.
It always stood to overwhelm him, how perfectly Elisa's little body fit when she was tucked into him like this.
How, biological differences aside, her arms were just the right length to fully enclose his neck, her nose just tiny enough to fit between collarbone and shoulder on those evenings when she'd insist that she absolutely was not tired, daddy, before sleep would find her eyes and she'd pass out in his lap.
How, all along, it seemed she'd been made perfectly just for them.
For Sonny and Rafael.
She was theirs in the same way that Rafael was his.
Sonny remembers feeling – still feels – like Rafael was made for him, too.
Just like Elisa was made for them.
Just like Elisa was made for them to hold, and to love, to cherish, and to protect; just like Elisa was made for them, Rafael was made for Sonny.
Those green eyes that so often found Sonny's ready and reassuring gaze from the depths of the courtroom gallery, those large hands that Sonny was so adamant were crafted with the image of the space between his own two shoulder blades in mind, that heart which had pressed into Sonny's every night since their first night, whose steady rhythm Sonny could pick out among the aimless din of city life, taxi cab horns and all.
One beat, and Sonny would say, 'That one. That one's my Rafael's.'
For as often as they'd been chest to chest, hearts thudding against bone, against flesh, against each other, into each other; intertwined in more ways than one, more ways than Sonny thought possible, he would know.
Rafael had been made for him.
Rafael's green to Sonny's blue, Rafael's tanned skin to Sonny's pale, Rafael's pessimistic tendencies to Sonny's more idealistic ones.
They were a matching set.
And now, with a little body having shoved herself firmly in between them, separating them, whose soft, warm breath tickled the cotton sleeves of Sonny's college t-shirt, who made their Sunday's less about relaxation, and more about crisp, afternoon romps through Central Park, who introduced the name "daddy" into their personal lexicon of nicknames, right alongside "Sonny" and "Rafi".
They were no longer a matching set.
Now, they were a family.
"'Course I remember, bunny," he answered, the light tapping of Elisa's toes against his thigh a steady, memorized rhythm as she struggled not to fidget against the thin sheets.
It was, after all, the sole reason why he'd still been bracketed by Rafael's strong forearms, nose still buried deep in a patch of tawny chest hair at the current hour, rather than up and already on his second mug of bitter coffee of the day.
He found Elisa's eyes, - vibrant in their coloring, gentle in their gaze, so much like Rafael's – and said, "It's someone's first day of kindergarten."
"That's why I couldn't sleep!" she exclaimed, dark curls cascading downwards and leaving a curtain to mask the shine of her eyes, little tendrils brushing and tickling at Sonny's forehead. "I'm too excited to sleep!"
Sonny smiled, pressed his lips firmly to his daughter's forehead as she managed to somehow snuggle still deeper into his neck.
"You aren't nervous at all?" he asked.
Elisa's answer came hushed, muted, the drag of her nose back and forth across his throat an unspoken 'no'.
Apparently unsatisfied with her own response, however, she quickly added an exclamation of, "Nope!", the 'p' popping against Sonny's skin with every movement of his daughter's lips.
"Why?" She pulled back, her eyes finding his even in the dim, amber glow crisscrossing its way throughout the bed. "Are you nervous, daddy?"
"Yeah, I am, a little a bit."
"But why?"
Elisa's quizzical expression looked so absolutely Barba-like in that moment that Sonny felt as though he were getting a very real glimpse at what a five-year-old Rafael would've looked like, if confused and in search of the answer to the cause of his absolute puzzlement.
Sonny wished that Rafael were awake, turned around, cheek to cheek with Elisa so that he could compare: furrowed brow, narrowed eyes, mouth turned downwards at the corners.
They would line up perfectly; Sonny was sure of it.
"Well," he began, tangling his long fingers into the fluff of Elisa's hair, pushing and tucking it back behind the slope of an ear, silently willing it to remain in its place so that he could meet his daughter's watchful gaze.
"I'm just worried because I want you to have a good day, bunny. I want you to have the best day, actually. And I want you to love your teacher, and I want you to make lots of new friends."
He sighed, catching Elisa's cheek with thumb and fingers; it's shape and warmth captured the entirety of his palm, Elisa's pink skin filling up his hand just as she, herself, had filled up what had been left of his heart.
What had been left, after Rafael.
After Rafael had let Sonny in, had let Sonny stay; after Rafael had held Sonny's heart, after Rafael had held Sonny, too, had kissed Sonny's cheek and told him that it was okay, that what they felt for each other was beautiful and so good, not wrong like Sonny's faith and scriptures had echoed until concrete, as much a tangible part of him as the thick accent that so often mangled his words.
Rafael had taken up so much room.
But then, Elisa had wiggled her way in.
Elisa had wiggled her way into Sonny's heart, their life, their bed.
Rafael and Elisa.
His whole world.
"You're my little girl, bunny. I'm always gonna worry about you."
"Well, you're silly."
She jabbed a finger forward, made contact with Sonny's chest, with his heart: "You don't have to worry about me because I'm always right here. In your heart."
Sonny found Elisa's finger before she'd even finished speaking.
He brought her hand to his lips, gave kisses as small as her fingers to the knobby knuckles rising and falling along the way.
"Yeah, bunny, you're right. You're always right there. You and daddy both."
"Are you always in my heart, too, bunny?"
And there was that welcome warmth again.
The sight of Rafael, eyes heavy-lidded, broad shoulders reaching around to envelop their daughter in his safe hold, and Sonny felt summer all the way down to his toes.
Sonny wanted to kiss him.
So Sonny leaned over, across the pillows, and pressed his lips to Rafael's.
Sonny pressed his lips to Rafael's, and breathed, swallowed Rafael's chuckle and following, "Good morning, love,", until a little hand came up and pushed his cheek away.
"It's my turn for kisses, daddy! Move!"
The kiss that Elisa presented Rafael with was just the same as the one that she'd first given Sonny, after her initial climb into the bed and between the comforter and sheets: a light, momentary peck to the very tip of his husband's nose that spoke of innocent affection in abundance.
"Of course I'm always in your heart! You and daddy share me!"
"Sounds like a perfect compromise to me," Rafael stated, his hand absently weaving its way into the knotted tendrils of Sonny's hair, locking and tugging – just enough – his best attempt at somehow bringing Sonny closer to the shelter of his body while Elisa was squirming against him.
And Sonny watched, watched as his husband kissed their daughter's forehead, firm and strong and sweet, his murmurs of, "I love you, bunny" her anchor to her world just as much as they were to Sonny's.
Watched as his daughter nuzzled her daddy's neck and proclaimed, "I love you, too! Now when do I get to get dressed for school?"
The laughter that erupted from Rafael's chest tore its way into Sonny's own and settled.
A perfect compromise indeed.
Before Rafael had even inched a toe through the doorway of his daughter's bedroom, Elisa was ambling quickly away from his side, her sights set solely on the brass handles of the closet lying just across the room from her bed and easel.
"Okay, daddy! I want you to pick out my outfit for school today!"
A twist of a handle followed, and Elisa's closet doors were flung open to reveal a carefully-coordinated cornucopia of color-organized clothing, each item hanging from the metal rod that Sonny had installed the afternoon following Elisa's first birthday, after it was deemed that Rafael had purchased far too many items of clothing to any longer fit in the singular dresser which they'd relied on up to that point.
And as for the organization by color?
That had been Elisa's suggestion, of course.
Because, "I want my closet to match your side of you and daddy's!", as she'd proclaimed to Rafael, just three days shy of her fourth birthday.
They'd spent the entirety of a lazy, Sunday afternoon on the project: Rafael, on Elisa's carpeted bedroom floor, Elisa, standing on tip-toe and pulling an array of sweaters, dresses, and matching cardigans from the deepest depths of her closet, dutifully handing each to Rafael as they moved from the darker shades to the light.
And they'd spent every consecutive Sunday since – laundry day, as it was known in the Barba-Carisi household – carefully inserting Elisa's clothing from the previous week's wear back into their rightful positions between plum and lilac hues.
"You want me to pick out your outfit for your very first day of kindergarten? I must be special," Rafael observed, letting his fingers trail featherlight along the length of a cream-colored cashmere sweater.
"Of course I do! You pick out my outfits for all my big days, remember? Like auntie Amanda's wedding…".
"Your christening, all your Easter's…", Rafael finished. He turned, watched as Elisa plopped onto her bed and became enveloped by the folds of bunched-up comforter, little feet thrown into the air as she reached and found her velveteen bunny within the mass of purple blankets.
"Is there a certain color you'd prefer?" he asked; he did require, at the very least, that minute detail to go off of in his search.
Elisa tossed her bunny in the air, catching it in between outstretched fingers, a swift peck on its nose following close behind: "Well, what's your favorite color?"
"Blue."
Obviously.
"Oh, yeah, duh! Like daddy's eyes!"
She knew him far too well.
"I want to wear something blue then," she stated firmly, rolling onto her stomach to better find Rafael's own eyes.
Before he could answer, Elisa was turning and twisting once again, wriggling until her back fell flat against the mattress.
He chuckled, flicked a finger past a yellow sundress he'd purchased for his daughter at the peak of the last New York City summer; Elisa possessed the inability to sit still for more than .02 seconds at a time, a trait that appeared to only be amplified by the impending first day of school.
Rafael had no doubt from whom she'd acquired that particular mannerism.
Someone tall and ridiculously lanky, with a pair of sweet dimples and an even sweeter face.
Someone whom Rafael was eternally falling over his feet for every day, as well, but.
That was entirely beside the point.
Finally, his hand found purchase on pale blue fabric, an ivory-lined sleeve poking out and making itself known from in between darker shades of navy and the beginnings of deep plum. He pulled the dress out with a flourish, revealing it to Elisa's eyes, it's matching white collar exposed from behind the cardigan it's form had been hidden by.
Elisa gasped: "It's perfect!" Her bunny was discarded, tossed aside as she plunged forward from her bed and grabbed at the dress's sleeve. "Thank you, daddy! I love you!"
She smiled warmly, tilting her chin to meet his matching green-eyed gaze.
His daughter.
Those eyes, their shade and sparkle a carbon copy of his.
But that smile, too.
That smile was a copy of Sonny's.
Innocence, and love, and sweetness, and happiness, and everything good in the world, all wrapped up in a set of cheeks and a smile.
She was Sonny's in some ways, and his in others.
But put together, she was theirs.
Their daughter.
He bent down until his lips met her hair, an "I love you, too, Elisa" spoken into wild and tangled curls.
"I know! Now, if I wear my white knee socks, will that match?" Elisa asked impatiently, already striding towards the oak dresser sat across from her bed, yanking on the painted white handles of the second drawer.
"Yes, it will," Rafael answered readily. "Do you know what shoes you want to wear as well?"
"Yes!" Elisa was practically bouncing as she retrieved a bundled-up white ball from the inside of her dresser drawer and tossed it on the carpet beside her; the knee socks in question, it seemed. "I wanna wear my brown sandals that look like little bunnies! Will those match, too?"
"Yes, those will match, too," Rafael chuckled. "But, you do know you have one more thing to pick out, right?"
Elisa furrowed her brows, little nose crinkled in the same way that it did whenever she was perched at the kitchen table, trays of paint and a stack of construction paper set before her as she created pictures which always, without fail, ended up tacked to the living room wall.
He bent down to her level, taking care not to place a knee on the still-discarded socks.
"My tie," Rafael supplied. "I have to wear a tie picked out by my daughter on such a big day."
"But I normally only pick out your ties for your big days. Like when you took daddy on that big date 'cause you were married for five years, and you told me I had to keep it a secret! And I didn't even tell daddy once, do you remember that!?"
"Yes, you were a very good secret keeper, bunny," he laughed, pressing a warm kiss to Elisa's cheekbone. "And your first day of kindergarten is a very big day for me as well. Do you know how many people I'm going to be showing your first day of school pictures off to later?"
She dipped her head, grabbed Rafael's long index finger in a singular hand. "How many?" she asked shyly.
"So many," he grabbed her face, tiny, pink cheeks framed by larger, tan palms. "Auntie Liv, auntie Amanda – ".
"You'll show them to auntie Elana, too, right!?" Elisa exclaimed.
"Of course."
Rafael's ass would be handed to him twice over if he weren't to immediately text pictures of her goddaughter, backpack, lunch box, and all, to the honorable and proud, judge Elana Barth.
He pressed one more kiss, this time to Elisa's forehead, before standing upright and moving towards her bedroom door.
"Go ahead and get dressed and then you can come to daddy and I's room to help me. Okay?"
Elisa nodded giddily, already plopping herself down to the floor and peeling off the pair of mint green socks she'd worn to bed the night before.
"Okay, daddy! I love you!"
That smile; it was all Sonny.
So happy and sweet.
"I love you, too."
Rafael turned and shut Elisa's bedroom door with a light 'click'.
Warm hands found Sonny's belly, then sides, a chuckle sipped into the helpings of cream and sugar necessary for him to stomach his morning coffee as lips softly met the cool skin just behind his ear.
He set the ceramic mug down on the countertop, side-by-side to the one already full and waiting for Rafael's empty hands.
It'd been their shared morning routine for the better portion of the last five years: Rafael aided Elisa in the task of getting dressed, Sonny made coffee.
Rafael showered; Sonny made pancakes, or toasted bagels on particularly hurried mornings, insuring that Elisa was well and fed before the arrival of her nanny signaled Rafael and Sonny's own impending goodbyes.
Sonny turned, away from their fancy coffee maker and the discarded packets of Splenda, and let his fingers find purchase on Rafael's cheeks.
He pulled, just enough, until their chests and lips met and Rafael's arms had wound themselves back around his waist, and Sonny felt warm.
Warm in his husband's hold, warm as Rafael trailed kisses from the upturned corner of his mouth to along the slope of his cheek, warm as the long fingers on his back spread, covering him, holding him tight.
"Mmm," Sonny hummed, rubbing their noses together until Rafael gave pause in his path, allowing their foreheads to rest against one another in a display of momentary stillness. "Did you help Elisa pick out her outfit?"
"No, I was actually given free reign to pick out the outfit all on my own. It was quite the honor, I might add."
"Oh, is that so? You must be pretty special," Sonny whispered.
Rafael cocked his head to the side, a gesture Sonny normally only witnessed from the back, from his weekly perch in the courtroom gallery as Rafael twisted whatever seemingly innocuous detail that a defendant had let slip into something that he could use in his and the SVU's favor.
It was so familiar, so cute of a little quirk, that Sonny immediately found himself nuzzling his nose into the spot where Rafael's strong shoulder met his neck as he answered through a press of lips to Sonny's temple.
"Well, she's picking out my tie for the day, so who's really the special one here?"
He smiled against Rafael's skin: "You're such a good dad, you know that?"
"I try to be," Rafael answered, fingers tightening against the fabric of the button-up that Sonny had hastily thrown on before completing the task of preparing their morning coffee.
"Yeah, well you are," Sonny shot back. "No 'try' about it."
He needed to be looking at Rafael for this; he dislodged himself from Rafael's collarbone, searched until their eyes were locked and Sonny was close enough to see the dusting of freckles scattered along Rafael's nose.
"You're a good dad – no, a great dad, and a great husband, and – ".
"Daddy, I picked out your tie!"
They turned, and there she was: pale blue dress, white socks pulled up to right below a pair of bony knees, brown flats (thankfully on the correct feet), and one of Rafael's ties clutched in an outstretched hand.
She bounded towards them, ran face-first into Sonny's leg and threw an arm around a slacks-covered thigh, the other still proudly presenting the striped tie in between her fingers.
"See! It had dark blue stripes like daddy's pants and little blue stripes like my dress."
Rafael reached down, pulled the tie from Elisa's firm grip and brought it to his eyes, the light from the ceiling fixture bouncing off of the shiny, silk fabric.
"Hmm," he twisted the tie back and forth, eyes glinting even through slits as he continued his inspection of the tie at its opposite end, gaze ultimately falling on and following Elisa's as Sonny gathered her up and slung her across a bony hip, careful not to wrinkle the fabric of her dress.
"It's perfect, bunny," he said softly, smiling.
God, Sonny loved him.
Sonny loved him when he looked at their daughter like that, loved hearing his booming laughter and her giggles fill up the space in their quiet kitchen, in their quiet home.
Sonny never thought he'd have this.
Love.
A husband.
A child.
A home.
Rafael had given Sonny everything.
Everything and more.
Sonny had love, and a beautiful man, a beautiful daughter, a beautiful life, and a beautiful home.
And it was all because of him, the man in a pair of sweatpants and one of Sonny's oldest, most faded Academy t-shirts, kissing tenderly at their daughter's pink cheek, a hand still firmly attached to the small of Sonny's back.
"Alright, well now that you've got a tie picked out, can you go get ready, Rafi? We're gonna be late," Sonny whined, gently nudging Rafael towards the kitchen doorway and back into the hallway, in the general direction of their bedroom.
He then turned his attention to Elisa, who smiled cheekily as he ran slender fingers through her dark curls: "And I want you to go get your brush so that we can do something with this hair, okay?"
"Okey dokey!" She squirmed out of his grasp until her feet hit the tile once more, immediately setting off and skipping towards the bathroom.
"Elisa, can you at least pretend like you know how to eat properly? You know, like with a fork?"
Sonny grabbed another loose strand of hair that had managed to allude his grasp, tucking it into one of the three sections he had already separated as he crossed over and under, the braid that Elisa had requested becoming longer as he began to reach the ends of her tangled hair.
"We're at home, daddy," she answered through a smack of lips, shoving another bit of sticky pancake into her mouth by hand rather than with the silverware Sonny had originally handed her with the accompanying stack of pancakes. "I can eat with my fingers when we're at home."
Leaning forward, Sonny followed her movements as she dipped her head to catch a stream of syrup on her tongue before it dripped onto the pale blue front of her dress; a hand came up to brush back hair, Sonny immediately swatting it away.
"Hey! Fingers on the pancakes, young lady. Do you want to go to school with sticky hair?"
"Sticky hair? Why would someone have sticky hair?" a booming voice inquired somewhere over Sonny's shoulder, a warm brush of lips against his cheek following close behind.
Sonny sighed, turned his head just slightly to watch Rafael as he strode to the counter and retrieved his coffee, undoubtedly now lukewarm as Sonny had prepared it for him almost twenty minutes prior.
He was wearing a jet black, three-piece suit – one of Sonny's favorites, for the way that the rich, dark material gave his skin the appearance of being an even warmer, darker shade of brown.
Elisa's hand-picked tie, tucked into Rafael's vest, brought the look together seamlessly.
He brought his mug to the kitchen table, a coffee-laced kiss pressed to Sonny's mouth.
"You look good," Sonny whispered, pecking softly at Rafael's lips as his hands paused their motion in Elisa's hair.
He couldn't touch; not like he wanted to. He couldn't bring a hand to Rafael's jaw, couldn't bury his fingers into the short hairs at the nape of Rafael's neck, couldn't press closer.
Not without risking potentially messing up Elisa's braid, the braid that Elisa had requested, specifically of Sonny because, "You do my hair the best, daddy!"
Not when he had to make certain that their daughter's hair was perfect for her first day of school.
Kisses alone would have to suffice for now.
"Yeah, you do look good, daddy! Your suit is perfect with my tie!" Elisa proclaimed, still face forward, leaning yet again to intercept the syrup dripping from the pancake she was attempting to shove into her mouth.
Sonny adjusted his positioning accordingly, almost folding himself in half in order to better hold on to the ends of Elisa's hair, effectively detaching himself from Rafael.
"Now, what's this I hear about sticky hair?" Rafael asked, placing a firm kiss to the top of Elisa's head. He took his seat across from her at the polished table top, mug of coffee attached to his lips as he swiped a slice of pancake from Elisa's plate.
"Your daughter is refusing to eat her breakfast with her silverware."
"I thought that you said eating without silverware was okay as long as we were at home, love?" Rafael quirked an eyebrow, Elisa giggling; she knew that she'd won.
"See! My statement has been corrobortated!"
"You mean corroborated, bunny?" Rafael supplied, barely holding back a laugh as his green eyes flicked back up to Sonny's.
He was enjoying this, clearly.
Sonny hoped that he was shooting Rafael his best, 'You-know-you're-supposed-to-be-on-my-side-sometimes-Rafi' face.
"Yeah, that!" Elisa popped her final sliver of pancake into her mouth with a smack. "Told ya so, daddy!"
"Fine, fine, you guys win! Jeez, two against one is a little unfair, don't you think?" Sonny shook his head, playfully, finally finishing off the remainder of Elisa's braid with the hair tie that she'd brought him from the bathroom.
Moving towards the sink, he grabbed the burgundy wash cloth he'd used to wipe stray flour from the marble countertop during his earlier pancake-making process. Sonny stuck it under the tap, making sure to rid it of flour before walking back to Elisa, her hands already out and offered for him to clean.
"I was just worried," Sonny started, grabbing a bony wrist and running the cloth gently over Elisa's syrup-sticky fingers. "About you getting your dress all dirty. That's all."
He took both of her hands, – now syrup-free – their size and coloring in stark contrast to his. He kissed at Elisa's knuckles, pulling back just enough to say, "Now go get your backpack, alright? We gotta leave soon if someone's gonna be on time for her first day."
Elisa nodded, braid bouncing as she took off towards her bedroom.
When Sonny turned, Rafael was standing, mug discarded, pulling him close by narrow hips.
"You're a good dad, too," he whispered, eyes soft, hands so large and warm on Sonny's waist.
Sonny had long ago come to associate those two things with love: Rafael's eyes, and his strong, strong hands.
Every time Sonny felt those hands on him, holding him, fingers spread on his belly, on his thighs, on his face, it was love.
Every time that Rafael looked at him like that, green eyes so soft and open and vulnerable – vulnerable for no one else but Sonny – it was love.
"I'm so nervous for her, Rafi," Sonny confessed; Rafael's thumbs were restless, tracing the curve of Sonny's hip bones through the fabric of his slacks. "What if she doesn't like it? Or what if her teacher is horrible, or she doesn't make any new friends, and she ends up having to eat all by herself at lunch? What if – ".
"Sonny," Rafael's hands flew from their perch on his hip bones, encircling Sonny's wrists, tugging them down and intertwining their fingers in an attempt to calm the nervous movements of his hands.
"You know that that's not what's going to happen. She's going to do great. Phenomenal, even. She's smart, and friendly, and outgoing, and everything good wrapped up into one wonderful little girl. She could break even the grumpiest of kindergarten teachers."
Rafael's lips were on his knuckles next, ghosting across their rigid path until he found Sonny's wedding band and lingered.
"She's growing up, Rafi."
"She's five." Sonny hadn't thought it possible for someone to appear so thoroughly condescending with their lips attached to their husband's wedding ring.
But, well.
Rafael Barba-Carisi was an anomaly.
"You know what they say, Rafi," and Sonny was laughing, cheeks pulled up, leaning forward and pressing his lips to Rafael's, feeling Rafael's smile underneath his, pressed into his as he pecked, once, twice, three times. "Kindergarten today, college graduation tomorrow."
"Okay, I'm all ready for my big day!"
Elisa shoved herself between them, darting from around their legs and into the open expanse of the living room – too-big, leather, pastel pink and purple kitty cat backpack bouncing at her knees.
"Daddy's gonna take a few pictures of you in your first day of school outfit while I grab your lunch, alright, bunny?" Sonny asked, already inching towards the section of the counter where Elisa's matching, pink and purple polka-dotted lunchbox lay.
The shuffling of feet against tile followed Sonny's declaration as Rafael positioned Elisa accordingly, his order of, "Smile big, bunny!" audible from Sonny's post in the kitchen.
He placed a hand on the stack of cookbooks behind Elisa's lunchbox, organized by type of cuisine, as was Sonny's preference. Once he'd reached the Spanish section – comprised of one cookbook and one cookbook only – he tugged, the volume of authentic, hand-copied, Barba family recipes falling in to his hands.
Flicking past the cover, stained with a variety of ingredients from Sonny's many forays into mastering Rafael's favorite childhood dishes, his eyes fell onto the note, folded and tucked near the book's spine, which he and Rafael had written for Elisa the night before.
It was a little wrinkled, the purple construction paper – snuck from the stack which Elisa kept on the corner of the coffee table at all times for, "emergencies, daddy" – having folded in on itself underneath the weight of the book's cover.
The words themselves remained safe, however.
Sonny nestled the note in the space between Elisa's turkey and cheese sandwich and a Ziploc bag full of animal crackers, making sure to keep a corner peeking out so that the splash of color would be the first thing that Elisa noticed when she unzipped her lunchbox that afternoon.
As Elisa's cry of, "Can I do one with a silly face now, please?" made its way into the kitchen, Sonny smiled to himself; she's gonna do great.
He zipped up Elisa's lunchbox – sandwich, crackers, grapes, bottle of water, and note all in a row – and made his way into the living room.
Have a great day, bunny!
We love you,
Daddy + daddy
"Daddy, you're squeezing my fingers too tight."
Sonny relaxed his hold on Elisa's hand, throwing an apologetic grin down at her as they moved farther along the crowded and raucous hallway of the lower level of P.S. 290.
He and Rafael had both grabbed a hand the second that Elisa's car seat was unbuckled, before her Mary Jane's had even had the chance to hit the pavement in the front of the elementary school.
And Sonny's grip had only grown tighter as they'd entered through the metal double doors and began their trek towards the section of the hallway in which the kindergarten classrooms were clustered, so much so that Elisa released his hand momentarily, shaking out her fingers which had apparently gone numb.
"Sorry, bunny. I'm just – ".
"I know you're nervous, daddy. It's okay."
Rafael smirked as Sonny threw a blue-eyed glare his way.
"What? I didn't tell her."
"Daddy didn't tell me, I promise. I can just tell," Elisa observed. "You're quiet when you're nervous."
"And I'm loud when I'm not?" he teased, Elisa grinning cheekily up at him as her braid bounced behind her.
"It looks like we're here!" Rafael stopped, Sonny and Elisa freezing to his left as swarms of other soon-to-be kindergarteners entered the classroom of which their family's sights were currently set upon. "Room number seven, yes?"
"Yep, that's the one!" Elisa was bouncing, swinging Sonny and Rafael's arms with ever little up and down movement of her legs. "Can I go in?!"
Rafael tugged Elisa to the opposite side of the door, out of the way of the oncoming traffic of children and tearful parents, taking a knee as Sonny followed his example.
If anything were a testament to Rafael's devotion to their daughter, it was the knees of those dark suit pants, currently laid against the scuffed and dirty tile flooring of a public elementary school.
Those suit pants which were only there so that Rafael could say a few more words to their daughter before the official start of her "big day".
The only other time that Sonny had seen Rafael on a knee like that, dirt and grime against five-hundred-dollar fabric, was when he's proposed.
"Okay, bunny. What do I always say?" Rafael asked, smoothing down the ivory collar of Elisa's dress. He took Elisa's left hand, Sonny reaching for the opposite, a nervous thumb coming up and enveloping the top of Elisa's hand, stroking, soothing – for his comfort more than hers, he knew.
"First impressions are the most important!" Elisa replied, short, succinctly, head and braid bobbing in unison.
"That's right," Rafael pushed her hair back, a few stray strands of brunette curls having freed themselves from her braid. "So go right in, find your teacher, and introduce yourself. Okay?"
No reply was to be had, however; instead, Elisa darted through the door to room seven, just short of smacking into another braid-clad little girl moving in the same direction.
Sonny was about to apologize to the little girl's mother, explain that Elisa was just excited, maybe overly so, that Elisa hadn't really meant to bulldoze over her daughter, when a large hand took his.
Warm.
Calm.
She's gonna do great.
"Come on, love," Rafael whispered. "Let's go see our little girl off, shall we?"
Nodding, the pull of Rafael's hand led Sonny inside, the cacophony of cries, and giggles, and pleas of, "Please don't leave yet, mommy, please!", and the sight of Elisa planting an Eskimo kiss on a woman whom Sonny could only venture was her teacher their shared introduction to the classroom.
"You're the one that taught that to her, you know," Rafael pointed out – rather unhelpfully – as they sped walked, still hand-in-hand towards Elisa's display.
"Yeah? And you're the one who told her to go introduce herself."
Just as they reached the opposite end of the classroom, Elisa was straightening herself out, grinning brightly at the sandy-haired woman in front of her: "My name is Elisa Rosalie Barba-Carisi, and I'm five years old, and – Oh! Look, it's my daddies!"
Sonny briefly wondered where on earth Elisa got the energy to tackle him and Rafael every time she saw them.
The thought was soon replaced with adoration, however, as Elisa grabbed ahold of his and Rafael's pant legs, staring up at them with her wide and impossibly green eyes.
"This is my teacher, Miss Cox!" Elisa exclaimed, her gaze only venturing away from them when she threw an index finger in the direction of the petite, freckled woman to her left. "Miss Cox, these are my daddies!"
The woman – Miss Cox – stepped forward and offered a hand to Sonny, straightening out her navy pencil skirt with the other. "Hi, my name is Melissa Cox! And, if you hadn't already guessed, I'll be Elisa's teacher for the school year!"
Sonny nodded at the greeting, taking her hand in his own and giving a firm shake. "I'm Dominick, but you can call me Sonny. And this is my husband, Rafael."
She seemed bright, bubbly, energetic, with a smile as wide across as Staten Island itself – all of the qualifiers that Sonny had thought of when building the perfect kindergarten teacher in his head.
And Elisa seemed smitten with her, as well; her eyes were lit up as she observed their exchange, her stare focused and intent on the young teacher as she moved towards Sonny and Rafael.
Once Rafael had provided her with a greeting of his own, Miss Cox turned her attention back to Elisa: "Hey, Elisa, why don't you go over and find your table buddy while I talk to your dads for just a second? You see that little girl over there, the one with the reddish hair and the glasses?"
Elisa followed the line of Miss Cox's slender index finger to where it hit upon a girl in a bright purple dress, positioned at one of the room's center tables; Sonny turned and put his lips to Rafael's ear.
"She's wearing purple, Rafi. They're gonna be best friends."
Rafael squeezed Sonny's hand in answer.
"That's Jane. She's your table buddy for this year, which means you sit right next to her. So if you go over and say hi to her, you'll be able to see where your name tag is. Got it?"
"Got it, Miss Cox! Thank you!" And Elisa threw her skinny arms around her teacher's neck, squeezing momentarily before pulling back and making a run for her unsuspecting table buddy.
Straightening out, Miss Cox adjusted the shoulders of her blazer, Elisa-disheveled and rumpled.
"Sorry about the nose thing," Sonny offered as her chestnut-colored eyes settled on him and Rafael. "It's something we, uh. We do a lot at home, so."
One of Miss Cox's slender hands came up in a dismissive gesture. "Please. It was sweet. She's very affectionate. And trust me, after five years of teaching I've learned that there's a lot worse things that kids can be."
She shuffled towards the side, peeking around Sonny and Rafael's forms in an apparent attempt to check for the arrival of new parents before advancing on in their conversation; when it was decided that there was none to be had, she continued.
"Tell me, what do you two do for a living?"
Perhaps Rafael had sensed that Sonny was nervously glancing over at Elisa every few seconds, watching as she greeted her table mates, watching as she slung her kitty cat backpack over her miniature, plastic chair; maybe his silence had indicated to Rafael that he was distracted.
Whatever the reason, Rafael had read Sonny front and back, handling the question asked of them by Miss Cox.
"Well, I'm actually the executive assistant district attorney of Manhattan, and Sonny is a Manhattan SVU detective."
Miss Cox actually whistled.
"Wow. Power couple."
Now that got Sonny's attention.
Chuckling, Rafael shrugged, though the glint in his eyes was almost as smug as Sonny had ever seen it – the only event outweighing Miss Cox's observation being the evening in which a stranger had approached him, Rafael, and Elisa while on their walk home from the local ice cream shop, stopping to point out how, "beautiful of a family you three make".
"Oh, and is there anything you'd like me to know about Elisa before you leave? I ask the parents of my students to provide me with one or two parting fun facts about their child just so that I can get a slight idea of who they are."
"She loves art! A lot. Like, a lot a lot," Sonny interjected, because if there was anything someone should know about their daughter, it was this. "She's always drawing, or painting, or doing some sort of new craft when we're at home. Me and Rafael even had to buy her an easel last Christmas because she was always painting on the coffee table and would get watercolors all over the wood."
"She's also bilingual," Rafael added, the little prideful puff of his chest not gone unnoticed to Sonny's eyes. "She's fluent in Spanish as well as English."
It was one of Sonny's favorite pastimes, in fact; sitting, listening to his husband and daughter chatter away in Spanish on the nights that they had their musical marathons together, Elisa cuddled up to Rafael's broad chest, her nose always tucked away into tan shoulder and neck, her favorite spot the very same as Sonny's.
Ninety-eight percent of the time, Sonny had no friggin' idea what the subjects of their little back-and-forths were, but he didn't care; Sonny loved that Rafael and Elisa had that connection, that shared link of their Hispanic heritage.
Somehow, in Sonny's eyes, that little connection made it even more glaringly apparent that Elisa was meant to be theirs.
"Wow, that's really wonderful! I've actually been wanting to implement some foreign language curriculum into my own lessons. I've read in a few teaching journals how beneficial learning another language can be to the developing mind."
Just as Rafael was about to chime in with his concurrence – because he'd read those very same articles, Sonny knew – Miss Cox glanced down at the leather watch strapped to her wrist.
"Shoot! I hate to cut this conversation short, but the bell rings in about five minutes. I would go ahead and say your last goodbyes if I were you."
She stepped away from them then, providing a similar warning to the various other sets of parents still filtering throughout the classroom, talking amongst themselves or reading over the rule charts tacked to the pale yellow walls.
"I don't wanna say goodbye yet," Sonny grumbled, feet dragging as though submerged in mud as Rafael led him to the table where Elisa was still perched, happily sorting through the box of communal art supplies placed in the center of the desk.
Crayons in hand, she exclaimed, "Look at all of these colors, daddy!" She gestured to the row of crayons, already Elisa-organized in color wheel order on the tabletop. "There's magenta, and violet, and sunflower, which is my favorite so far! And look, I have my very own name tag, too!"
Sonny and Rafael gathered on either side of her shoulders, peering down at the multi-colored and animal-printed name tag which bore both Elisa's name and their own.
"E-L-I-S-A. Elisa," she declared proudly, rewarded with simultaneous kisses to opposing sides of the temple.
It was surreal, seeing it laid out like that.
Elisa Barba-Carisi.
It was almost as surreal as seeing her name, Elisa's name, printed directly next to theirs, attached, on the official birth certificate they'd received by mail shortly after the completion of Elisa's adoption.
It was another stage of Elisa's life, another stage of theirs, another stage of Sonny and Rafael's, and she was still theirs.
Elisa Barba-Carisi.
Theirs.
Sonny gripped Elisa's shoulders and positioned her until his arms were fully enclosing the entirety of her little body, his nose pressed into her hair, the fruity scent of de-tangler still lingering from their hair-braiding adventures over pancakes just an hour prior.
"I love you so much, bunny," he whispered. "So much. You're gonna do so great today, and me and daddy are never gonna stop thinking of you once, not until we get home tonight and can talk to you all about your big day."
He felt her arms tightening around him, fingers dug into shoulder blades as she answered, "I love you, too, daddy. And just remember that I'll be in your heart all day."
Sonny would not cry.
He would not cry.
Especially not now, not when Elisa was letting go of him and taking ahold of Rafael.
Not when Rafael was whispering, "Te quiero, mi hermosa conejita."
I love you, my beautiful bunny.
Sonny would not cry.
He gave Elisa one parting, lasting kiss on the forehead before standing, Elisa settling back in her plastic chair, smoothing her dress down as she went.
Rafael tugged on Sonny's hand before Sonny could stop himself, try to stay.
The nearer they got to the heavy, metal door, the more that Sonny wanted to turn back around, wanted to fix Elisa's hair one last time, wanted to hold her close, hold her safe in his arms; tell her that he and daddy both loved her, so much, and that she was smart, and wonderful, and would make so many new friends.
He chanced a peek just in time to catch the press of Elisa's palm to her lips, an ensuing arc and throw of hand following as she blew Sonny a kiss.
She's gonna do great.
As the door clicked shut behind them, Rafael pulled Sonny into his arms.
Crushed him, rather.
Kissed the top of his head.
Murmured, "You were right. She is growing up."
His voice was hoarse.
He was affected by this, too.
Sonny stifled his laughter into Rafael's tie, – Elisa's hand-picked tie – his nose rubbing against the soft shades of blue.
"Yeah, well. C'mon, Rafi. We have some first day of school pictures to show off."
Sonny kissed his cheek, nuzzled Rafael with his nose.
"She's gonna do great."