I remember when I was little the kids in my school once dared me to climb a tree. They told they would stop calling me Maura-the-bora so I did it. It went well until I was starting to go back down. I slipped and fell and it felt like every bit of air was forced out of my lungs. Right now, it wasn't the velocity with which I hit the ground that forced the air out. It was those four words spoken by the love of my life. My everything.
"Unless I marry him."
She said. I blinked. Every breath took more effort than the one before and I felt like I was fainting. I forced myself to think logically. To stop giving in to the utter desperation that I felt. Get out of here. You can't break down with her here. You have to be strong.
"Congratulations. If you'll excuse me, I have to use the restroom." I tried desperately to keep the heartbreak and fear out of my voice. I turned on my heels and quickly walked away. She didn't follow me.
You can do this, Maura. You just have to get through this. A broken heart can't physically kill you. You want her to be happy, don't you? God, yes. It's all I've ever wanted. Alright, I just have to be strong and she'll be happy. She'll be happy with him. I forced myself to stop thinking about Casey and just focus on how to get through the upcoming wedding plans and more so, the wedding itself. I was so lost in my thought I didn't even hear the door to my private bathroom open. In fact, I didn't even realize anyone was there until I heard a deep, husky voice.
"Maura?" I turned around. I tried to look happy. What I gave could hardly be called a smile and obviously, Jane saw it.
"What's wrong, Maur?"
She asked. I knew I couldn't lie so I tried the next best thing, deduction.
"So when's the wedding?"
I said. Jane looked at me.
"I could come with you to fit dresses?"
I tried to sound excited even though I knew that the sight of Jane Rizzoli in a wedding dress that wasn't mine to rip off would be heart shattering. I was so lost in thoughts of Jane in a wedding dress that I didn't realize she wasn't answering until I looked up several minutes later.
"Jane?" I asked.
"You didn't answer my question." She finally said. I looked at the ground.
"It's not important. What's important is that you're getting married."
I said. I tried to move out of the bathroom, but Jane blocked my way by moving her body in front of the door. Her muscular, sexy, amazing body. Stop that, Maura. She's getting married for Christ's sake. She doesn't need her best friend fantasizing about her.
"Did I do something wrong?"
she asked, sounding dejected and a tiny bit angry(as always if Jane felt things she didn't want to feel, like dejection) and if it was anatomically possible, my heart broke in that second. Being physically close to her drained me, but I decided I loved her more than I loved myself so I shook my head and hugged her tightly. I buried my head in her neck and inhaled her scent. She wrapped her strong arms around me and in that second, I could not hold together any longer. The tears were running down my face, a first all-wrecking sob making my body shudder. Jane tightened her arms even more which made me cry even harder. She pulled away for a second and wiped the tears away with her thumb. I held on to her. She was my rock, like she always was. It was just that now, She wasn't my rock. She was Casey's. She wasn't mine to hold on to. She was Casey's. I quickly let go. I didn't try to dry my tears because new ones would spill before I could get rid of the old ones. I stepped around Jane and out of the bathroom.
I had somehow managed to get to my office without being seen by anyone and after crying some more, I left. I knew not being able to work wouldn't make it any easier, but it would also mean not seeing Jane and that did indeed make it easier. At the same time, it also made it harder though. Because even if she wasn't supposed to be, Jane was still my rock. The love of my life. My everything. A soft knock on my door shook me out of my very interesting activity of staring at a wall and imagining what it would be like if Jane would marry me. I reluctantly moved towards the front door, knowing what I would find. Obviously, I could just leave her standing outside, but she had a key and I was sure she wasn't opposed to using it. I quickly tried fixing my make-up so she wouldn't see that my afternoon had mostly consisted out of laying on my utterly uncomfortable sofa and 'bawling my eyes out' as Jane would voice it. I opened the door to reveal the lovely detective. She didn't look as confident as usual and I even saw a little fear in her eyes. Those expressive, beautifully honest eyes. I felt tears welling up at the thought that I could never look into those eyes again without imagining Casey looking into them. Get a hold on yourself. Be strong for her. Not a single word has been spoken from the moment I opened the door. I stepped aside and let her in.
"Maura?" I took a deep breath.
"Yes, Jane?"
"I thought you didn't guess" She said.
What is she talking about?
"I don't understand"
Jane showed a small smile, but I could see it wasn't one of happiness.
"I said 'Unless I marry him'. I thought you didn't draw conclusions."
I felt a small glimmer of hope. She was right. I never drew conclusions and I never guessed. This time my mind wasn't in it though. This time I had been driven by emotions and I couldn't think clearly.
"What do you mean by that?"I said, not quite succeeding in keeping the hope out of my voice. Jane took a step closer.
"I mean I'm not marrying Casey" The relief flowing through my body nearly made me faint, but I managed to stand up straight. The tears were streaming down my face again, but this time they were happy tears. Jane wrapped her arms around me and I held onto her again, because she could be my rock again. She could be mine to hold onto again. The tears stopped when I realized that she still wasn't mine. I pulled back a little bit.
"I have to tell you something" I started hesitatingly. Jane smiled and suddenly closed the distance between our lips. Jane was kissing me and it felt better than anything I've ever felt. The tears had started again, but Jane didn't pull back. It was soft and loving and everything good in the world. She pulled back and smiled again.
"I know"