Author's Note: This is another one that was supposed to be longer and be a Violet/Pete story, and when I started writing it I had just watched the first episode of this season but then after a few more episodes and didn't want to change what had been done on TV so I just gave it an ending, but I think it worked out okay.
Disclaimer: I don't own the song "Hope for the Hopeless" or any of the characters in this story.
The closet. It seemed like the safest place to be. Her agoraphobic patient had taught her that habit a few months earlier. Ironically, that was the day she found out she was pregnant and her fears began. She thought pregnancy was the scariest thing she'd have to face for a while. Now, ten months later, her pregnancy was over and she had even more fears than before. Things she never expected to fear. Like the sound of the doorbell. That was the excuse she used for not holding Lucas. She was afraid the doorbell would ring and she'd drop him. It was true; it just wasn't the whole truth.
The fear and dread were continuously present from the moment Katie knocked on her door, and they have only worsened over time.
Sometimes she feels paralyzed by the fear. The panic attacks pass, but the anxious feeling in the pit of her stomach never seems to go away.
When Addison cornered her in the hallway, Violet thought about confiding in her but decided against it. She was afraid of sounding too crazy. Pete was the only one who knew the true extent of her problems, but even he didn't know about the only thing she felt as strong as fear. Indifference. Mostly towards Lucas. She didn't hate him; she wanted him to be safe. She just didn't love him the way a mother should love her newborn.
When Katie attacked her, Violet feared for her baby's life as well as her own; she felt the need to protect her unborn son. Now it was as if Katie cut Violet's connection to Lucas when she cut him out of her body. She looked at him and felt nothing. Sometimes she felt guilty about this. Other times she didn't even care enough to feel the guilt and just ignored the feeling until it passed. She wondered if maybe she just needed more time to heal. This was the second time in her life that she was attacked; she thought it would be easier to get over this than it was to get over her rape, but she was wrong.
The phone rang and only barely startled her, which was an improvement. She let it go to voicemail, as she had been doing most days for the past month.
"Hey, Violet. It's Kara. I know we haven't talked in a while and I don't know if you even want to hear from me, but I heard about what happened to you. I'm glad you're okay. You were lucky. I'm sure you must feel relieved that the baby's okay too. Anyway, I just wanted to see how you're doing. Give me a call if you wanna catch up. Bye."
She wished she felt lucky or relieved. She wished she felt anything. She was tired of feeling anxious and apathetic.
She was sure that people were worried about her or assuming she had a nervous breakdown or something. She didn't even want to know the rumors being spread around the hospital about her. At least at the practice everyone got the correct information from Pete. Although, she wasn't sure if the truth was better or worse.
They all wanted to be supportive so they took turns inviting Violet over, or offering to stop by after work. But Violet just wanted to be at home, alone. Except she couldn't even hide at home because Lucas was always there. Just looking at him reminded her of the attack. Addison and Naomi cooed over how cute he was and how his little smiles were just precious. Naomi said she used to watch Maya sleep, and all Violet could think about was how she never watches Lucas sleep. When he sleeps she feels some relief because she can just leave him in his infant seat and not have to do anything for him. Not that she really did much for him, aside from changing and feeding and only when it was absolutely necessary. She didn't even take him to the closet when Addison and Naomi rang the bell.
She was somewhat jealous of Lucas' ability to sleep so easily. He was so young, innocent, and resilient; he didn't even seem bothered by the horrible event they went through. Violet rarely slept anymore. Even when Pete would hold her, she just couldn't relax enough to fall asleep. Of course she was exhausted, but most new moms are so she figured it'd just help her appear to be a normal new mother. She knew that Addison, Naomi, and Sheldon could see through her fake smiles, but she was usually able to distract them with the baby for a long enough period of time that they didn't get a chance to say anything about it.
A few weeks later things weren't perfect, but they were closer to "normal," if Violet even remembered what that was anymore. She was back at work and Lucas was living with Pete.
Everyone wanted Violet to feel a connection with Lucas, but they didn't want to force him on her because they figured that wouldn't help, but it was hard for her to bond with him when she avoided being in the same room as him.
When Pete had asked her to watch Lucas she stayed in the room with him, but barely looked up from her work. She felt guilty, but she just wasn't ready. She felt even worse after Pete called her out on not trying to do anything with Lucas. She wanted to bond with him, but she just didn't feel that way yet. Work was something she could do; that was safe, so she threw herself into it as much as possible.
Violet knew she had to face Katie in court in a few days and that thought made her feel sick. She was preparing for it though, and she hoped that once the trial was over she'd be able to put this behind her. She thought that maybe once she talked about it should could move on and start to feel things again, maybe even be happy.
That's when she'd be able to take care of Lucas.
'Deal with the trial, then deal with my son,' she thought.
She realized that was the first time she had thought of him as her son. Maybe she was making progress, and soon she'd be even closer to being herself again. At least she was hopeful, for the first time in a long time. And for now, that was all she needed – she didn't need the closet.