Castiel was an angel, a warrior of heaven. He belonged to heaven itself. He was a huge and powerful almighty being. When Castiel became Deans lover he was even more so. Castiel felt powerful and unstoppable with Dean's love. Now that's Deans gone Castiel is lost. Looking down to the slowly dying flames Castiel uttered, " And I am feeling so small". His voice filled with agony and angst. Without his beautiful hunter he felt so broken, useless, and truly small. "It was over my head". Castiel thought he knew humans. He thought he knew pain and suffering. But without his hunter to guide him he wasn't sure what the world was anymore. He realized that only things he knew where about Dean. He knew when to do everything at the times that Dean did them. "Now that I don't have you, I know nothing at all". With those words Castiel walked towards the bunker. What was once a safe home, is now a constant agonizing blade that carves into his soul.
Castiel couldn't bare this much longer. It had been a year sense his lover had died and he still did everything like Dean or he messed up. Sure he had Sam trying to help but with Dean gone he was just as broken. Castiel decided to go talk to Dean. When he was sitting at Dean's grave, whispered words of heartfelt pain started slipping out. "I can't live much longer without you, if I go on I will keep messing up, And I will stumble and fall".
Castiel had failed to kill things or he had killed the monsters mercilessly both Dean would not approve of. He had started getting heaven back in order even though he knew Dean and Sam wouldn't be happy. He had started meeting the fledglings and starting to feel good emotions again. Castiel was starting to feel again and It scared him. "Dean I don't know what to do, I'm still learning to love, even though I'm trying not to". Castiel was learning a lot even though he was failing to do most of what he tries to learn. In comparison to what a human feels and experiences he was just starting to crawl.
It was two years after Dean had died and Castiel was still feeling guilty. He was heart broken and he was slowly shattering. The cracks in his shattered heart were breaking off into shards that stabbed deeper every day. Sure things were easier now but that made it harder. He wanted to learn this stuff with Dean, wanted Dean to guide him in this cruel world. Castiel was starting to forget things about Dean. He couldn't remember what he smells like anymore just knows it was some mix of worn leather and gunpowder.Doesn't remember what Deans kisses felt like against his lips. He couldn't even remember the exact shade of green the hunters eyes are or even how many freckles he has, even after he had spent hours counting them when Dean was stil alive. The part that was killing Castiel, he couldn't remember the light of Dean's one of a kind soul. He knew it shone with a brightness of a thousand universes, yet he couldn't picture it in his mind anymore. The worst part is he can't hear the voice of his lover. It was starting to fade and oh castiel just wanted to hear Dean Say something. To hear that Deep rough voice that with gruffness always carried a sweet seductive draw. Castiel was giving up on everything. And worst of all he truly was losing Dean. He whispered "please, I'm giving up on you".