First Entry
I am in Alaska. It's been a while since I felt the need to write, but today has been a pivotal day for me. The many things I took for granted were taken away. I am left to face the realization that despite the passage of time, and all the effort expended to hold on to the man I am, I cannot escape the thing I have become. I am not human anymore. The instinct of a predator doesn't cease because my intellect demands it.
Its dangerous for us to live among the humans, but the difficulties are a small price to pay. It takes focus, strength and compassion to be able to do it. The benefits of doing it are many. Living among them helps us remember who we were, and stay true to who we are. Our proximity imposes rules that prevent us from losing ourselves to instinct or becoming intoxicated by the power of immortality. Its easy to forget the important things when you find yourself at the top of the food chain- so to speak.
Being among them adds change and movement to what would otherwise be an eternal and static day. Yes, there are benefits for us, but our presence is always a danger to them. Its been decades since I had to think about controlling my thirst. I thought I was stronger. I thought I had conquered the beast. I did not realize it was just laying dormant, waiting patiently to strike again. I am overcome with self loathing and shame.
Writting about the events is painful, the disgust and disappointment are still fresh. This morning I was going about my life like any other day. My only task was to maintain appearances. Tonight I am left to face a part of me I wish did not exist.
The day started out harmlessly enough.I went to school. The only thing out of the ordinary was the arrival of a new student. Isabella Swan-Bella, I could hear her correcting them in the thoughts of the student who introduced themselves. In their minds her tone was gentle. Her voice was soft and unassuming.
After a while I felt like I was being bombarded with thoughts of her, so many of the boys were thinking about her. I was ready to tune them out completely when I caught a glimpse of her face in one of their minds. Her face captured my attention. I could understand the appeal; she has a subtle and timeless beauty. Her brown eyes are warm, full of light and expression. There was something endearingly vulnerable about her. I could tell she was shy and embarrased by the attention. Out of respect for the memory of her blushing, I turned my mind away and stopped listening. I shifted my attention inward and focused on my own thoughts.
Sometimes I wonder what the purpose might be for an endless 17-year old existence. If I appeared as old as Carlisle, I could make more of a contribution. But I will be forever seventeen in the eyes of the human world. And 17 is the age one holds potential in human society, not purpose. They expect little from youth, and since I cannot draw to much attention to myself, I lived up to their expectations.
These thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Jessica talking about my family. She was talking to Bella. That's when I noticed I could not hear Bella's thoughts. I could only hear her spoken words. It's never happened before; I can always hear the thoughts of those around me. Beautiful and Mysterious, I thought. I remember smiling.
Well I wasn't smiling for long. Her beauty and radio silence aren't the only things alluring about her. Alluring is the wrong word, its such an understatement. There was no way I could have prepared myself for what happened next.
I can hear the wolves howling. The sound of their sad song overwhelms me. I can't keep writting tonight. I don't want to write about this against the back drop of their song.
Second Entry
It's quiet now. The wolves are silent and all you can hear is the wind blowing through the trees.
Last night was long. I would have given anything to have had the ability to sleep. Slumber would have offered a reprieve from the thoughts. But I can't sleep. The thoughts were overwhelming and I couldn't rest, so I ran.
I ran all night, and the world around me became a blur. I was moving as fast as I could go, trying to go faster still. Hoping that if I pushed myself harder I would somehow be going so fast I would leave my body behind me, and with that body all that I fight against would be left behind me as well.
But my body and consciousness stayed connected, no matter how fast I ran. And when the cold air ceased to be a comfort and my skin began to sting in protest, I fell to my knees and just stayed still a moment staring at the snow.
I gave in to the thoughts that wouldn't go away until they began to exhaust me again, their circular nature making me dizzy. After a time, I knew I had to turn around and try again. I ran back the way I came, pushing myself to go faster once more. I continued my futile attempt to break free.
The world again became a blur as I passed through it, but I wasn't able to outrun myself. Body and consciousness will be forever tied together. No matter how fast I run, I won't be able to escape the animal I am. All the insight and wisdom gained will not break the bonds that hold me slave to my instincts.
Entry 2- a little later in the evening
I guess I should finish writing what happened yesterday. I can't avoid it and I cant stop remembering it. It happened as I remember, but I cling to the hope that it might not have been as bad as I recall.
I was sitting in Biology waiting for her. There is only one empty seat left in the class so I knew she would be sitting next to me. I was looking forward to meeting the new girl, I was curious. I wanted to see if I could hear her mind when she was closer. It was all normal enough. She walked in and glanced in my direction, her eyes warm and inviting? Yes, they were inviting. She seemed to be curious about me to for some reason.
That's when it hit me. I could feel my instincts taking over and reason begin to slip away. I inhaled and my nose was filed with her scent. The pull of it was stronger than anything I had encountered before. It was as if her blood were calling out to me in invitation. I felt an immediate and urgent thirst. Not even when I was new to this life had I felt so overcome.
I gagged on the air, trying to stop the scent from going any deeper. Intellectually I was repulsed by my reaction, but even as I sat there repulsed, I was eager to accept the unspoken invitation.
I began to think of ways to deal with the other people in the room, planning my attack -that is when I had a dim awareness that my intellect was allying itself to the killer instinct.
Whatever part of me was responsible for that dim awareness was now asking "And what of all that I believe in?" That small part of me was calling out in protest. "And what of the person I know myself to be?" It continued. I am not someone who kills little girls to sate his thirst, but I was sitting there plotting her demise. The part of me that had cried out in protest shot her a warning look, hoping to keep her away. She saw it. I could tell she was afraid, but she continued her approach and then took her seat.
She was hiding from me behind her long silky hair. She was hiding her face from me in fear. I was fighting the instinct, holding my breath. I clenched my fists holding on to the small remaining part of the man I was until a moment ago. It will be over soon I told myself, but time moved slowly. The call of her blood grew louder. I looked her way, ready to strike. She was looking over at me discreetly, from beneath her hair.
That's when I saw myself reflected in her warm eyes. I didn't recognize myself, the fiend I saw reflected in her eyes could not be me. But it was. The reflection showed the monster I have become and the pain of seeing it burned me back to reason. She quickly looked away.
My instinct lost its hold and was replaced with a heavy mix of shock, self-loathing and shame.
I'd seen myself before the kill in other eyes- sure, but those eyes had been the cold eyes of other monsters. They had not reflected the truth of what I have become back so ruthlessly and clearly. The bell rang and I left as quickly as I could prudently move among the humans.
I couldn't seem to get away from the girl, and soon I was running like a man who is being chased by the devil to see Carlisle. I didn't explain, and he didn't question. He could see the state I was in. He gave me his keys and I drove as fast as I could out of Forks. I feared for her safety but more than that I wanted to put as much distance as possible between me and what I had seen in her eyes. I didn't feel safe until I was in Alaska.
I do not want to be a monster.
Entry 3
I can't stop thinking about Bella. Even here where the air is so clean and fresh the memory of her scent lingers in invitation. Then I see her face, picture the way her blood gathers when she blushes; it adds the most appealing shade of pink to that smooth, pale skin of hers. I can almost reach out and touch her hair I see it so vividly. And those big brown eyes, so full of light, windows into the mind I cannot hear.
Yes her eyes, with the reflection I wish I had never seen in them. I can't go back.
My father tells me he has heard of other cases like this, although he has never experienced it himself. He suggested I talk to Emmett and stop being so hard on myself. He meant to offer comfort, but his compassion and understanding just make me feel worse. It doesn't matter how many other cases there have been like this, it doesn't excuse mine. It doesn't erase my weakness or excuse it.
I did talk to Emmett, and he said he had experienced something similar a couple of times. I won't detail the outcome here, it's the obvious one. It didn't escape my notice that it had happened to him when he was fairly new to this way of life. Why do I have to be such a weakling? I miss them so much. I want to go home.
He mentioned that the girl keeps looking over at our table, like she is looking for me. I told him she is probably looking over out of fear. She must be terrified of me, poor girl. Emmett said he doesn't think that is why she was looking. He said she seems disappointed when she realizes I am not sitting there. What would Emmett know about a human girl's motivations for looking over? And why should I care that she might want to see me? I know what she saw, and that's all she will ever see when she looks at me now. She will just see a blood thirsty monster.
Going for another run.
Entry 4
Today I decided to bring my journal with me on my run. I am sitting on a cliff enjoying the cold and watching the hunt. They are closing in on the Moose now. It won't be long before they circle around and begin the process of the kill. Predator and Prey, it's the natural order of things. They feel the same amount of compassion for the moose as I would if I were down there with them. I can smell its fear and taste their victory. The wolves have been successful and now they are feasting on their kill.
Predator and Prey- it's the natural order of things that goes unquestioned and is free from fault or judgment. That's what is at the heart of this matter. The wolves do not torture themselves over having killed the moose. A Grizzly does not feel remorse for eating a salmon. They are surviving, it is natural. Why should it be different for me?
It's a rhetorical question. A grizzly was never a salmon, and a wolf was never a moose, I was human once. It may be the natural order of things but it does not apply to unnatural creatures. This must be what they meant when they described us as the eternal damned.
I will be fighting against my nature for eternity or I will give in to it and loose myself in the process.
Sitting here, within the vastness of the Alaskan wilderness, my memories don't seem possible, but they are real. I may be a safe distance from her now, but it's only a matter of time. Cowering and hiding here will not keep her safe indefinitely. It only postpones the inevitable. The call of her blood is as loud today as it was that day in the classroom. Such is the nature of memory for my kind.
Yes, it's only a matter of time before I kill her. Predator and Prey- it's the natural order of things that goes unquestioned and is free from fault or judgment. So there is not hope, unless………
Carlisle won't approve of putting her in danger as a test of my resolve, but he will have to understand that is no longer the matter to be debated. She is in danger, and she will be for as long as I exist. My resolve is being tested, and her blood is my obsession. Neither time nor distance will dull the memory or lessen the desire. The only hope is for me to find the will to endure her proximity and get to know her so that I may see her as something other than prey. Either the man I am or my instinct will prevail, but I need to find a way to stack the cards in my favor.
Yes, that's the answer. If I am around her perhaps I will become desensitized, perhaps knowing her would make it impossible to see her the way she appears to me now. It's the only way either of us has a chance to survive. I have to try. Avoiding her ensures her death not her safety.
I am going back to forks.