Disclaimer: I do not own the Fullmetal Alchemist anime or its characters

Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Framing Hanley

Pairing: Elricest (Edward/Alphonse)

NB: The M/MA rated content has been removed/edited from the story. Please visit my AO3 profile for the uncut chapters.

Rating: Overall T but in later chapters it leans towards M

Warnings: Language, Male/Male, Incest

Verse: Post Manga, Deviation From Canon

Authors Note: This is my attempt at an Elricest story, I won't say it's realistically portrayed because that depends on the readers views.

Built For Sin

Say so long to innocence
From underneath the evidence
You taste like Heaven, but God knows you're built for sin

Alphonse hadn't fallen from his grace too quickly.

He was a strong person and he knew it, he was a well-adjusted person and he knew it.

He'd had his ups and downs, not even just including his pre and early teens as a soul bonded to an inanimate object, but he'd still prevailed.

He'd suffered and watched others suffer –both people he loved and disliked.

He judged others and been judged in return.

He'd lied and been lied to.

Helped others and been helped, hurt and been hurt.

He'd seen people scared, terrified and he'd been that way himself at some points.

He'd seen guilt and felt guilt.

He'd harbored grudges, he'd been too trusting, he'd learned lessons the hard way, he'd been let down…

Alphonse Elric was living, he had been 'living' all along except in the past 4 and a half years he'd been living back in his flesh and so he experienced all the things –in large doses- he'd not had feelings and time to experience in moderation growing up.

It had been a rude awakening to say the least.

Learning that people could actually take more from you when you had flesh to feel it. He'd always thought he had at least experienced his emotions correctly when he'd been in the armor, he knew he couldn't really take in his more physical senses but he'd always always thought that when he knew he was angry, sad, hurt, insulted…he was feeling it somehow.

But when he'd finally been given his body back, he realized that emotions were experienced physically as well, not just mentally. Anger caused pain in his chest, in his throat and it made his body shake just the same as sadness or hurt did except the degrees varied and the mental reaction changed.

That first year had been a scary time for him.

Recovering from his atrophy and emaciation had taken months for his body to be even half adjusted and then life back in Risembool had taken even more time to adjust to. He learned quickly that he had allergies and all that open space and pollen was far worse now that he'd gotten older and his body was more sensitive. He'd realized that Winry's perfume smelled nice and he found it comforting. There was the realization that he didn't like salty foods or coffee very much at all.

When he'd been a child, he'd never been allowed to drink coffee, so it had been completely new and completely awful.

That was really just the small things though.

As time passed and months began to blur together, things regained normalcy and he found that he too had a natural ability to annoy Winry and he was hit over the head for his talents. He started to gain confidence in his likes and dislikes, quickly deciding what foods he would and wouldn't eat, what colors he thought were best on himself, the sort of clothes and materials he preferred.

He soon realized that when you actually had feelings and voiced opinions, people reacted very differently than when you were offering an objective guess to what might be better because you weren't really in a position to know better.

It had been amusing at first because it was still new and yelling was somehow a new experience for his vocal cords. But like everything, the novelty wore off and sometimes Winry's voice would annoy him, or Pinako's passive aggressive lectures would get on his nerves and he'd known then why Edward always yelled at them to shut up and leave him alone.

He didn't know why, but it was all different now that he could feel.

Now that the yelling hurt his ears and caused headaches, and how the chores made him tired and itchy when there was too much dust.

But unlike Edward, Alphonse was polite and mannered finely. He never yelled for Granny or Winry to shut up, he would simply argue his point, maybe yell a little and eventually concede, because they were ladies and ladies were to be respected. So as far as the Rockbell house was concerned, Alphonse would remain composed.

He did a rather good job of remaining on his pedestal of perfectly well-mannered and it was all thanks to Edward.

Not that he and Ed didn't argue a time or twenty, they were both too smart for their own good, Edward had an ego worthy of his reputation of being the Fullmetal Alchemist and Alphonse had the unbreakable reasoning and foresight worthy of his reputation as the better half of Edward Elric.

So when they disagreed they yelled…and Edward cussed. Sometimes Alphonse would cuss and then Edward would yell at him for cussing. With Edward there was always yelling, as his brother he knew it well but at least Edward's voice didn't grate on his nerves. The biggest and most significant difference was that where Edward was concerned, Alphonse didn't have to lose by default.

Edward usually gave in or Alphonse was just right and Ed would grumble and admit it.

It made Alphonse happy and because he could feel happiness and love in his human body, the experience was far more powerful than it was when he was pseudo feeling it. When Edward would get home after helping out in town and he'd hug Alphonse, there was always a rich warmth and fulfillment that came with it.

And when Edward would say he loved Alphonse just because he could, whenever he heard it or said it back, that feeling of fulfillment would sometimes be enough to make him sleep through the night without nightmares of the gate, sometimes he'd even get red in his face because he was so happy.

Edward made him happy.

At the time though, the significance of such feelings were still out of his more unexplored understandings.

Even at 17 years old mentally, physically Alphonse was still catching up.

The second year living in Risembool had turned into a mundane experience, the grass fields and river didn't hold the fascination it'd once held when he was a child and the simple farm life was steadily starting to get on his nerves. He'd started working as well since as a young man he knew it was pertinent for him to be useful in a household and support himself and other loved ones.

It's not that he needed to work, Edward had said he didn't care if Alphonse never worked again, since Edward had a significant amount of money saved up from his days in the military and was still making money from the occasional freelance work projects that Central people outsourced to him.

He never failed to tell Alphonse that he would always take care of him.

Winry had once questioned what Edward would do when Alphonse found a girlfriend and no longer wanted his support.

Alphonse found it hurt deeply when Edward had shrugged with a loving smile in his direction and said,

'If Alphonse feels like he can manage without me I wouldn't stop him, I'd give him all the space he needs.'

He knew those were the words of a truly devoted sibling, his older brother would deny him nothing, not even his freedom. He expected practically nothing from Alphonse as it was, except a hug every once in a while and to know that Alphonse was well and happy.

But it had hurt to think Edward would let him go so easily…

Those words didn't really ever leave him but he also didn't dwell on the feelings of upset over them.

He worked a boring job as a librarian assistant in the small half stacked hole that was Risembool's literature hold, he met a few people he decided to call friends who he spent some time with in his lunch breaks and on weekends and he started falling into place…neatly, as if there was a never a wrinkle in his reality.

It irked him.

Besides himself, watching Edward live in this melancholy as if there was nothing wrong with spending his days helping people in the town or doing half-baked independent research projects was just as bad. On more than one occasion Edward was called by important people from Central, offering his serious work contracts, some from the private sector but most from military channels and he always turned it down.

Why? Because he was done with spending his time working hard, he was happy with just being comfortable and being with his younger brother.

It was yet another perfectly devoted sibling like thing to do, after all, Edward had missed his child hood to get his younger brother back, risked his life, suffered injuries the likes of which made Alphonse nauseous now that he was able to properly feel nausea and experience physical pain again.

So why wouldn't he want to live this farm life after everything they'd been through?

Why? Because he was a genius and Alphonse was one too and they were wasting their lives.

By the time he was 18 years old and the year was almost over, Alphonse was tired of spending his time around the people of Risembool who never really got that 'sweet little Al' image out of their heads. Edward was lucky to have become renowned as a bad ass, beating the shit out people.

Sure everyone still joked around some time and teased him to rile him up a little, but the respect was palpable amongst everyone, they all respected Al too…but their idea of him was unjustified.

He found himself wondering if it would always be that way, would they never see he'd grown up?

He also promptly realized he didn't care and so he told Edward he wanted to leave Risembool.

It had been a simple conversation, one they'd had just by themselves in the lounge after dinner when Winry was washing dishes and Granny had turned in for the night. Edward hadn't had any objections, just curious questions and smiles.

Alphonse expressed a need for mental stimulation and mentioned his constant contact with Mei via letters, he was interested in going to Xing, there was much to learn.

He thought Ed would perk up at the idea of being able to practice Alchemy again –which Alphonse hadn't seen him do in years- but as usual Edward had given him a small smile and just nodded.

He felt guilty when he thought that Edward wouldn't use Alchemy anymore because he took it as a punishment for what had happened to them for being so forward and stupid when they were kids, but he never broached the subject, he just one day hoped to see his brother in that ethereal blue glow again.

Edward always had looked so amazing when he was lit up by Alchemy.

The thought made him smile and turn a little red at times, but he just wanted Edward to be happy, that's what his reasoning said.

He had been really happy Edward was so agreeable about Xing, that was until Edward mentioned that it would be a good idea since he'd been thinking about going to Creta, now that a treaty had been signed. He had his own theorems he'd been working on. Al learned that he'd even been skimming their language and was catching on quickly, which wasn't a surprise, but the fact that he hadn't known his brother was thinking of travelling alone was.

He'd mentioned that one his last trips to Central to finish up a contract he'd met some people from Creta and it'd inspired him…and then he said he had just been waiting until he thought it'd be okay with Alphonse.

It was okay, of course it was.

And so they made their plans and parted ways when Alphonse left for Central and Edward stayed in Risembool, since he'd be taking a different train route. They'd hugged tightly on that familiar train platform and Edward had kissed him on his cheek right before slapping the same cheek lightly and threatening him to be careful and to not forget to stay in touch.

Alphonse had made every promise he was threatened to and then went with a bitter sweet smile onto the train, waving goodbye to Ed and Winry like they had, as brothers, so many times done to other people.

They were separating.

Of course that was okay. They were 18 and 19 years old, more adults than people 20 years their senior.

It was fine.

It hurt him.

But he was fine.

The time after that, the first two months in Xing, had been amazing. Alphonse received a culture shock which made him giddy, for all of Mei's explanations of Xing's natural landscapes and beauty, seeing was truly to believe. It also helped that he was a guest of Xing's royalty, he discovered he loved their silk and smooth clothing's, he loved their colorful world, their food, he loved their language and he soaked it all up like a sponge.

He loved their alchemy and he wanted nothing more than to learn all he could!

He'd written Edward and Winry just after the first month of being in Xing, already having at least 6 pages worth of amazing information to share and then he'd waited almost another month before Winry's reply came, nothing from Edward yet.

He was just settling into his third month there when she'd replied and he'd waited until he and Mei had had their alchemy teachings for the day, eaten dinner before he'd bathed and retired to his room where he opened her letter.

Her handwriting was always so untidy, she never had been a girly sort of girl, she could build intricate mechanical devices but her scrawl was worthy of a crab trekking sideways zigzags in sand.

It made him smile…and squint.

The letter had been a mix of things, talking about all of that mundane nonsense happening in Risembool, complaining about some new client she had who didn't know what she wanted on her automail hand and then it talked about how she missed him and Edward. He hadn't felt a build up in her letter, there was no sensible connecting of her information, Winry wrote like she talked, whatever she was thinking right then.

At least Edward wasn't like that, it would have been exhausting to make sense of.

He was still smiling at his happy thoughts of his home- which he hardly missed- but was fond of, when her letter tone changed completely from being about random stuff to a steady stream of information.

He'd blinked and re read it:

'…and I don't know if Ed's told you anything, because he's so scatter brained, he's such an idiot and it's so exhausting sometimes isn't it? He called me once last week and complained about how expensive it was and that I owed him, can you believe him? But he called me, I didn't ask him to but I was happy he did since I've been missing him so much and thinking about him a lot. I think it'll work between me and Edward, even though he frustrates me and he's always yelling he does want to be with me. I'm sure he must've told you in a letter or something. I'm really happy, I waited a long time for him to grow up and pay attention. It's silly isn't it? But it makes sense somehow. When he gets back we'll probably talk seriously about a relationship, it's weird thinking of Ed that way, it's going to take work to get your brother to be husband material but I know you'll be there to help! And…'

He hadn't finished reading the letter, there was another paragraph left but he couldn't get through it. He stared at the lavish walls of his guest room and felt the cool breeze from the open balcony doors, it made him shiver involuntarily, every hair on the back of his neck stood up.

Alphonse lay awake for hours trying to figure out what about Winry's happy letter had made him so nauseous, angry, sad and confused at the same time. He thought it might be because Ed hadn't contacted him, but then he had known there was no phone contact to Xing and that letters would take a while to span three countries postal services. He wondered if it was that Edward hadn't mentioned anything about his apparent intentions to be with Winry in a relationship. He also wondered if maybe he was jealous, did he like Winry?

He wondered every day for the next month while he learned and lived, while he met new people and grew closer to Mei, he even wondered about it when he'd been sitting in the Chen gardens and Mei had kissed him.

He couldn't figure out what upset him…but he hadn't even attempted to write back because he had no way of moving passed the heavy upset that lingered within him, toward her. He couldn't explain it…

Eventually he received a letter from Edward.

The date written at the top in Edward's neat cursive handwriting confirmed that the postal service was slow, it had been written just more than a month ago. So Edward had written back immediately.

The thought warmed Alphonse very much, he felt better than he had in weeks.

He read the letter alone in his room, laying on his stomach on the large comfortable futon with a small sad smile on his face. Edward wrote in great detail, understandable and fully comprehensive text, about Creta's basic alchemy and some of their strange traditions. He wrote mostly about research though, which wasn't unusual for his older brother.

Alphonse wasn't even surprised to see an array on an extra sheet of paper attached to the letter, Edward explained how the Cretan's had a slightly different basic array which could be altered to transmute something specific, he also explained how he thought it could be improved on.

The letter didn't mention Winry even once. It disconcerted him.

He knew Winry wouldn't lie…so why was Ed keeping something from him?

The end bit the letter was the most comforting part, Edward expressed how it was weird to be travelling alone, said many times how much he missed Alphonse and wished he could be there because his opinion and expertise were invaluable to Edward. Then he said that he knew he was being selfish wanting that and that he knew Alphonse was happy finally getting out on his own and enjoying life.

There were well wishes, more threats to take care of himself and a loopy sweet 'Love you Al' right at the end of the fourth page.

Alphonse stared at those three words as he felt his chest hurt with sadness, he missed Edward a lot. He wasn't as happy as he should have been.

So maybe, it wasn't as okay as he thought.

And it wasn't, because even as his knowledge grew of Alchehestry and Mei's affections became more apparent and bold, he found realization dawning on him very slowly.

Letter by letter, miss you by miss you, love you by love you written at the bottom of long letters that symbolized what would have been wonderful conversations with his brother, Alphonse discovered the word for what he was feeling.

But it wasn't until he was into the second year in Xing and had spent a night tucked away beneath Mei's Chen's sheets beside her, that he was willing to admit it aloud – but only to himself.

Edward's latest letter shattered his errant denial rather painfully.

He sat alone on his bed and stared at the words between lines and lines of that familiar handwriting…it said that he and Winry had been talking a lot on the phone and that he was thinking of asking Winry to be his girlfriend when he returned home. He wanted to know what Alphonse thought, how should he ask the question, should he take her out to dinner? Should he be spontaneous? He even added that Alphonse had always been the smooth one out of the two of them, did he have any advice?

The tears that slipped over his cheeks onto the paper, wetting and blurring the ink, were not because of the words per say, yes they hurt, but it was the realization that made his insides crumble.

Alphonse knew then, without a doubt…that he was longing for his brother, it wasn't natural…it was an unnatural and convoluted desire.

His stomach twisted rather violently.

The days that followed found Alphonse ill and turning Mei away when she offered to take care of him. He stayed in his room, near his bathroom so when the need to puke would rattle his stomach and fill his mouth with warm rushes he'd be right near the toilet.

There wasn't anything left to puke out after a while, he wasn't eating nearly as much as he was vomiting and the bile and retching had left his throat raw. He didn't sleep because he couldn't stop crying in utter shame.

Since his denial had broken he was no longer able to push away the thoughts, they seemed to force their way into his mind.

Never before had be seen Edward in any light other than his wonderful brother.

But now that he'd admitted that he didn't want Edward to be with Winry, all of the reasons why fell into place, he didn't want Edward holding her close to him, he didn't want Edward kissing her…

He didn't even want to think of what Edward would do with her besides that, he knew what he'd done with Mei and he knew it'd be like that and his stomach would clench when he thought about it.

It would be sudden and severe each time, he would throw his head over the toilet with the need to hurl because lingering in his mind would be some dark blurred imagined image of himself doing with Edward what he and Mei had done, what he refused to picture Edward doing with Winry.

Each time he pictured it against his will it gained clarity, there was more skin, more sounds…more nausea.

He didn't know when it had turned into this. He didn't know and he despised it.

Edward had had two short term female 'friends' that Al had met during their time in Risembool and it hadn't bothered him…in all of his naivety. At the time his dislike for them had seemed like a natural reaction, he felt his brother shouldn't be wasting his time messing around and be more serious.

But now when Edward became serious, it became real.

They could be such dirty things…feelings, flesh, desire, lust, sex…even need, something as simple as need was now more carnal and Alphonse tried hard to not think of how Edward's perfectly muscled body felt when he hugged him, how he smelled, how his lips were usually warm on his cheek.

He never even knew he'd noticed that!

He didn't realize that subconsciously he was aware of how tight and firm Edward's body was when they hugged.

How he had not known he was feeling these things, he couldn't understand then.

He was 20 years old now…and it no longer confused him.

Because he'd become familiar with desire and lust, the physical equations sex involved and the difference it would make if he had emotions attached.

He'd been recently physically attached to Mei…but he'd never been emotionally attached to anyone but Edward and now that unconditional love had manifested in an ugly way.

A truly hideous way.

Edward was his brother, his flesh and blood, his DNA, his last relative, born of the same mother, the same father, how had something so naturally plutonic become twisted? He couldn't understand and so he vomited, he shook, he didn't sleep, he cried and he loathed himself.

Alphonse hadn't fallen from his grace quickly, but when he fell he flailed, plummeted heavily and when he landed, it hurt.

Like nothing he could have imagined.

He was in no way the same person.

He would never be.

He left Xing a few days after his 'illness' past and bid Mei a feigned regretful goodbye. She shed tears and he did as well, but they had nothing to do with her.

He then boarded the train that would take him to the half way destination where he'd ravel by camel back until they reached the next train station. He hadn't looked back.

He hadn't even seen his reflection lately.

He'd stopped vomiting after days of isolated misery, his stomach hurt too badly and he realized he was breaking his promises by getting so ill and he couldn't die because Edward would be hurt.

He'd tried hard not to tremble noticeably to the people around him on the train, though it was hard and he spent some of the train ride in the toilet stall, trying to calm his nausea.

The trip through the dessert had been better, he'd been shaking but no one had noticed and when they reached the second station, on the second train trip he handled it much like he did the first.

By the time he'd got off in Risembool after four days of travelling and sleeping in train car rooms, he was exhausted, sweaty and still nauseous.

An hour later he'd walked into the Rockbell house and received gasps of happiness and exclamations about how awful he looked, Pinako went straight to lecturing him about how much weight he'd lost, Winry made him a plate of sandwiches while reiterating Granny's complaints and like always, Alphonse accepted their whining. He only ate two of the 8 sandwiches Winry was used to him eating before he excused himself in a hurry.

He was sure they had heard him puking but neither came to bother him until sometime later in the evening.

Alphonse had wanted to be left alone but instead he'd been nursed, placed into bed, brought soup and asked about whether catching foreign illnesses could kill him.

He hardly registered anything, he just slept.

He'd had to wait a long time, a few long months, he'd left Xing prematurely and was home far earlier than scheduled.

When his 'foreign illness' had moved passed its worse stage and Alphonse was finally able to drag his pathetic self out of bed, he resumed the mundane lifestyle of Risembool.

But he knew Winry and Pinako knew something was wrong, how could they not?

His facade was laughable, how could he hide weight loss and sleep deprivation convincingly?

He didn't smile, he didn't talk much, he didn't humor them or argue uselessly…he just did what they wanted during the days and slept in a miserable fetal position at night plagued by his own shame.

He knew they'd told Edward he'd returned home, since Alphonse hadn't written a letter since that last one he'd received. He heard at some point from Winry, somewhere around him, in the kitchen, in the yard…he didn't remember, that Edward was finishing off a contract in Creta and would leave for home immediately after.

By the end of the year Winter was in full swing and Risembool was covered in snow.

He was sitting in the den, staring at the wall with a book in his lap when he heard the door and his brother's voice calling out that he was home.

Alphonse's hair stood on end and despite everything he felt relieved to hear that voice.

He heard Winry's happy shouts and Pinako's greetings and Edward's followed, he pictured Edward hugging Winry and his insides twisted…the kind of jealously that was so wrong even his insides knew it.

'Where's Al?'

He heard Edward say, his tone happy but also concerned. He knew Edward had heard of his sickness.

But Edward didn't know yet just how sick he was.

Alphonse remained unmoving where he sat.

It was barely a minute later when he sensed a presence and he looked up from his place on a large plush couch in the corner of the room, he stared at Edward standing in the doorway with his hands half way in his black jeans pockets.

He was beautiful.

He was much fairer now because of Creta's Winter months, his summer tan had faded and his complexion was a natural light beige. His hair was longer, some strands of his ponytail stuck to his black sweater over the front of his shoulder, the length was almost to his wrist. His body was still lean, he hadn't gained any weight or lost any and Alphonse didn't doubt for a second that it was still all taut honed muscle beneath his clothes.

He'd seen Edward naked many times , he knew what perfection it was…except now, his thoughts were tainted and he shouldn't be thinking of it. His stomach clenched when the image of his brother naked refused to go away, painting the walls of his mind vividly as Edward approached him.

Alphonse closed his book slowly and pressed his hand to his stomach over his own grey sweater, Edward had reached him and looked down at him with a smile,

"You don't seem happy to see me." He said quietly, like he thought if he talked too loudly it would hurt Al.

Alphonse stared up at him, willing his stomach not to revolt, he smiled weakly,

"I am, I just…I haven't been well." He said very softly.

Any forced smile Edward was trying for disappeared and then it was just complete concern on his face, he knelt down next to Alphonse beside the couch, leaned close and placed a cool hand to his forehead,

"Granny and Winry said you've been ill…but you won't see a doctor?"

He'd been avoiding that because he wasn't ill, he was just wasting away somewhere between depression and pining. He shook his head weakly, fighting the urge to lean forward and hold Edward, he didn't even want to think of hugging him.

"I'm ok…you look well, I missed you, bro-ther." The word caught in his throat.

Edward's face paled a bit, he was always more worried than he should be,

"Al, you're too thin…" Alphonse was trying hard not to pay attention to Edward's hand around his wrist, "…you sound awful, you're not okay, you're not okay…I'm calling a doctor, one from Central…" he stood up with urgency, "…a really good one."

Alphonse reached out and grabbed his hand so he didn't walk away, Edward didn't hesitate to turn back and Al forced himself to stand, he was eating, he wasn't really weak…but his legs felt like jelly now that Edward was standing right there, their heights almost even, their eyes just about level.

He saw the tears somewhere behind Edward's gaze, but they wouldn't spill, the last time Edward cried was when he'd successfully transmuted Al from the gate, he would probably never cry again.

But his eyes, his beautiful eyes, spoke volumes of his emotions.

Al felt the squeeze of Ed's hand around his own, warmer now that he'd been inside a while, and then he was pulled forward into a hug.

He had a full body tremble when he was pressed flush against Edward, one strong arm around his neck and the other around his waist, there was no space between them.

Alphonse felt every bit of Edward and –he was so ashamed- he pathetically wrapped his arms around Edward and squeezed himself closer still, loving the feeling.

Edward didn't hesitate to pull him as close as possible, feeling Al's desperation and without knowing, only encouraging the awful feelings having their bodies so close evoked in Alphonse.

There was a hand smoothing the hair at the nape of his neck, he'd broken into a cold sweat and he was trembling as he clutched at Edward's sweater tightly,

"Alphonse, tell me what's wrong, why won't you see a doctor? Is it…is it…" there was fear in Edward's voice, genuine fear, "…is it the transmutation…is something wr-wrong Al?" it was a painful whisper against his ear and Alphonse's lips pursed at the sensation, he clenched his eyes and his stomach twisted.

But he didn't let go, soaking up Edward's body heat, he felt so cold and Edward was warm and firm against his front.

"Al?" Edward pulled back slightly and Alphonse pressed his head to Edward's shoulder, he couldn't look at him, "…Al…" there was more desperation now and Edward let him go and took his face up gently.

He made Alphonse look at him, his worry etched into his face so obviously Alphonse felt even worse for the fact that all he wanted was to kiss Edward.

When had he ever thought such a horribly wrong thing?

He wasn't supposed to even consider anything like that.

His stomach continued to churn and his eyes teared up, he still held fistfuls of Edward's sweater, he made a small sobbing sound and Edward's expression deepened into something like grief. Al hated himself for the fact that Edward could feel real worry and fear, born of such pure concern while all Alphonse wanted was to just…

With a sniff he leaned forward and touched his lips to Edward's, he felt Edward – without a second thought- pucker his lips and then it was gone and there was a kiss on his cheek and Edward was hugging him again,

"Tell me what's wrong, please…you're scaring me Alphonse…" his voice was strained now.

Alphonse felt bitter and disgusting, Edward could even kiss him on the lips platonically without pause and here he was wanting all the most sinful things while his lips tingled pleasantly.

Alphonse started crying all out right then, his face once again on Edward's shoulder, his brother only held him tighter,

"Alphonse, please…" he pleaded quietly.

"Ed?" Winry's voice was quiet and worried, she was standing at the door of the den.

"Tell her to go away…" Alphonse amazed himself at the harsh whisper he'd managed through his sobs.

Edward didn't seem to hesitate or slacken his hold,

"Winry, could you just leave us alone for a while, please?"

She must have nodded because her voice didn't grate on his nerves again and Edward's hand was rubbing his back and he was asking quietly what was wrong.

Alphonse hadn't intended to try to hide it, he wasn't stupid, he was rational and he knew he had to tell Edward, it was the right thing to do.

He managed to stop his sobs slowly and he breathed heavily for a while before he croaked out,

"We need to talk…I…I have something…I need to tell…you." He sniffed, another tremble wracking his frame.

"Okay…of course…" Edward said so perfectly gentle it was like a caress against his hair, "…let's sit down, so I can look at you, I want to look at you, Alphonse."

He noticed that Edward kept saying his full name, he knew Edward was panicking on the inside, his own insides probably twisting with a different kind of guilt. He was blaming himself somehow, Al just knew it, it was just like Edward to blame himself.

He felt them moving toward the couch but then he stopped and shook his head, his hand sliding easily into Edward's,

"Not here…we have to…-" he made a shaken sobbing sound, meeting Edward's worried eyes, "…we have to talk privately…" he sniffed again and squeezed Ed's hand, "…pl- please, brother…no one can h-hear…" he swallowed, his throat sore from all of his crying.

Again Edward just nodded, face still pale, he was always ready to acquiesce to anything Alphonse needed.

"We'll go upstairs, to my room…or yours, whichever you want, is that ok?" he said it quickly and was already walking with Alphonse to the door of the den, holding his hand firmly.

Alphonse just nodded and dropped his head so his short bangs covered his eyes, he knew as they passed through the lounge both Winry and Pinako would be staring but he didn't look, he just let Ed lead him upstairs.

Ed led them to Alphonse's room and Edward pulled him in gently and then closed the door quietly, never letting his hand go, Alphonse swore if he loved Edward any more he would simply melt.

Ed led him to the bed and they sat, Alphonse moved his knees when Ed's touched his and oblivious, Edward moved closer.

Alphonse couldn't face him and tell him such a disgusting thing, he hesitantly pulled his hand away from where Edward held it against his chest, even then, his older brother let the hand go without argument. Alphonse hated that he was so perfectly loving and accepting because that was right and what Alphonse felt was wrong.

He took Alphonse's hand retraction as a hint and moved away just a schooch, interpreting the gesture as Alphonse wanting space.

He'd do anything for Alphonse.

A few more sobs shook him and now that they were alone he let it out a little louder,

"Al, Al…please…please talk to me…?" there was a break in Edward's voice, at this rate he'd be crying soon too.

He placed the lightest hand on Alphonse's back to comfort him but his body tingled so inappropriately, confusing all the love he felt for Ed so badly it was sordid, he jerked away,

"Please don't…touch me right now…" he mumbled beneath a shiver and a sob.

The hand was gone.

There was silence and after a good minute or so he uncurled himself, he had been leaning over his knees partially as they sat on the edge of the bed, and he glanced at Edward.

He sat rigid, so tense it looked like it hurt, his face in his hands, elbows on his knees.

"Don't look at me…" Alphonse whispered desperately, "…just listen…o-okay?" he watched as his brother seemed like he might look, but again, without question remained with his face in his hands and he nodded slowly.

Another minute of silence and Edward mumbled a quiet, broken sound of Alphonse's name.

He sniffed and swallowed one final time before his lips parted,

"When I was away…" his voice was croaky, he kept his eyes on the floor, "…something…something happened…"

He should have chosen his words more carefully because Edward's hands came off his face, wide golden eyes burning with pure rage turned on to him and his voice was like sharp cold steel,

"Did someone fucking hurt you, I'll fucking kill them."It was like pure virulence.

Alphonse shook his head very quickly,

"No, no Ed…nobody…nothing…nothing happened to me…I didn't mean that. I was fine…I was safe…this is…" he tore his eyes away from Edward's slowly softening features, "…this is about me…and…you."

The silence was deafening.

"What did I do Al? I'm sorry, I didn-…"

"Brother please…" he said and shut his eyes, more tears slipping over his face, "…if you'll please just listen…to me…I need to tell you…it's killing me inside…" his voice was so low and shaken it scared him.

Edward fell silent.

Al sniffed loudly and gathered his shaking hands into his lap, pressing them between his denim jean clad thighs, he kept his face turned away from Edward,

"When I was in Xing…I realized something about…about me." He paused and raised a hand to brush his messy hair from his face before pressing it back between his legs tightly, "…I don't know when it happened. I can't understand how…I could be so…how I could…be so…disgusting…" he grabbed his hair then with both hands.

Curling in on himself again and shaking.

"Al…what are you…?" Edward said very quietly, probably hoping not to be silenced again.

Alphonse couldn't really drag it out anymore, very quietly, he said more to his knees but he knew Edward was close enough to hear him as he sobbed,

"…Edward I realized…that I have…ina-inapropriate…feelings…for you…" he sobbed loudly when he said that but didn't stop now that he'd started, "…I have…s-s…-sex…ual…feelings for you…" he visibly cringed, his entire body tensing with another loud sob, "…it's so wrong and I can't…I can't stop it, I've tried not to think about it…but I can't…Ed…" he couldn't stop crying long enough to speak again for several seconds.

The fact that Edward wasn't saying anything scared him and he cried more, he just cried so much he hoped he would pass out and never wake up.

Then there was a hand on the back of his neck, gently stroking the hair at his nape before it moved down to rub his back lightly,

"Alphonse, look at me." Edward's voice was firm.

It took a few moments and sobs but Alphonse uncurled himself, his middle hurt so badly from sobbing, he looked at Edward in brief glances, his eyes wet and face pale.

Edward looked slightly pale but his eyes were endlessly soft and concerned,

"Look at me, please." He asked again, his hand still making comforting circles on Al's back.

"It's…h-hard…" he cringed again, "…when I look at you, I'm ashamed of myself, I have such…my thoughts are so wrong Edward…" he was still speaking very quietly.

"Look at me Alphonse, you've been looking at me all our lives, it's no different now." He said firmly again and the hand on his back moved to his shoulder and then his arm, sliding down until he had a hold of Alphonse's badly shaking hand.

He didn't have to ask again because Alphonse forced himself to look at Edward, wondering just how pathetic he looked. Edward didn't fake understanding, he frowned but squeezed his hand,

"What made you…what makes you think…you feel these things?"

Alphonse's stomach turned when he thought again about the way he'd pictured himself being with Edward, his subconscious thoughts manifested themselves more powerfully when he was asleep. Torturing him when he had no control over it, putting ideas in his head he hadn't known he could fathom between two men, let alone his brother.

He took a few steadying breaths,

"It's…it's…I have thoughts…" his face contorted shamefully and he placed his free hand over his eyes, "…I have thoughts and dreams…of you…you and me…sexual dreams…" he was speaking so quietly Edward had to strain to hear him, "…I don't want to…you're my brother…it's wrong…" he mumbled, looked away and tried to pull his hand from between Edward's slender, rough hand, but he only held tighter.

"Alphonse, look at me…" he said again and waited until his younger brother did just so, face a pitiful sight of guilt and shame, tears and pain, "…when did this start, is there anything that brought it on…I didn't do anything did I? Did I ever…was I too close, have I been too close to you since you have your bo…-"

"No, no damnit!" Al actually shouted that time, then his voice lowered again and he turned to face Edward, "…this is not your fault!" he whispered harshly, "…you're the best, the most amazing brother anyone could ever have!" he squeezed Ed's hand firmly, "…this is me…somehow…somehow I've…twisted this. I've twisted our relationship…I didn't even know it was happening…until I…until…" he trailed off, eyes fixed on their hands between them.

"Until?" his voice still completely gentle, Alphonse thought it was heavenly.

"Until…you told me about…you and Winry…" he confessed quietly, "…I realized it then. I…that I…wanted to be with you…in that way…" he was shaking still, "…it made me sick…I've been sick ever since."

After some silence and no eye contact, Edward's voice was a steady calm,

"Okay…okay…" he said at length and fell silent again.

Eventually Edward took his hand back, Alphonse looked at him sadly, but he was just using his hand to brush his long bangs behind his ears and run a hand over his long pony tail distractedly.

Edward's hands were shaking too.

Alphonse spoke up quickly,

"Brother, please understand…please, I'm not telling you this because I…because I expect…anything…" Edward looked at him, his face still pure concern and now confusion, "…I don't expect anything from you, or to happen…I just…" he took a breath and brushed his own hair back again, "…I just had to tell you the truth, I can't keep it from you. It'll drive me insane…I know that's selfish…"

"It's not selfish…I'm glad you told me." Edward said surely, staring again at the floor thoughtfully, a light frown on his face.

"I'm sorry…" Al mumbled, wiping a few tears off of his face and averting his eyes.

After some more silence he heard Edward sigh and looked at him, worried about what would happen next,

"Edward?" he stared at his brothers chiseled side profile.

Ed turned to look at him, they were sitting facing each other now and Alphonse was relieved that Edward wasn't pulling away, their knees were touching and Edward took his hands, squeezing them both firmly as he looked straight into Alphonse's face,

"This…I want you to know, this doesn't change anything." He started seriously.

Alphonse blinked slowly, lashes still wet, he frowned,

"Okay…" his voice was small.

"You're my brother, there is no one...no one…" he emphasized, "…that I love or care about more, there never will be. Not even Winry." He said pointedly and then sighed again and shook his head, "I…um…what you're feeling, I don't…know what…or how to do anything about it-"

"Ed, you don't have to do any-…" he was cut off by the look Edward gave him, it was his turn to shush Al.

"I need time to get my head around it, maybe we can figure when things got like this for you, maybe we can help you move past it…" Alphonse nodded slowly, but somewhere deep down, he knew it wasn't going anywhere, sickness of that magnitude festered, he knew it, it scared him, but he still nodded.

Then Edward raised an eyebrow and sighed,

"But even if you can't, I still love you, that's not going to change, not ever, Al. This doesn't change anything, I really don't want you to push me away, I don't want you to take yourself away from me, not like that please. I could understand you moving away to start your life, because I'd know you were still there where I could reach you…but this…if you pull away from me because of this…I don't know how I'd get you back." he swallowed and his jaw tensed, holding back tears, "…and I can't lose you again, I won't make it this time…Al…" his golden eyes were open, adoring, understanding.

Alphonse should have known Edward would never leave him.

He smiled bitterly, not sure if things could really be okay.

After all, he still had his feelings and they would still be hurt…because there was Winry. Even though he wouldn't even seriously allow the notion of himself and Edward venturing down that path into his mind, he still didn't want Edward being with her…or anyone. It was so selfish, so twisted.

His stomach clenched and he took one of his hands back and to hold his stomach.

"What's wrong Al?" Edward leaned over when his head dipped, trying to see his face, "…tell me, don't keep anything in. You said this was making you sick, so something's obviously making you upset now." He encouraged quietly.

Alphonse nodded and just decided to say it, there was no point in keeping it in,

"It'll just hurt…that's all." He said quietly, "…but I know you have to have a life, I know you love Winry…" he turned away and slowly laid down on his bed on his side, curling into himself, he felt so nauseous, but it hurt more than it made him want to hurl.

He felt Edward get off the bed, the mattress rising slightly and when he opened his eyes he saw that Edward was kneeling next to the bed, their faces weren't actually all that close but Alphonse still felt his nausea turn into a flutter for a second before his self-revulsion made him cringe and tense again.

"I'll let you sleep now…" Ed said quietly, looking for all the world like Alphonse hadn't just confessed incestuous feelings to him, "…I won't hurt you Alphonse." He added even quieter and Alphonse felt himself nod slightly as they stared at each other.

Ed nodded back and smiled in his gentle way that made Alphonse both so happy and so sad.

"We'll talk some more tomorrow if you feel like it Al. You don't have to come down in the morning if you don't want to, I'll bring you breakfast because you need to eat…" he was saying in his big brother tone, Alphonse just nodded again and sniffed.

"Goodnight…" Edward leaned forward but then stopped, as if realizing what he was about to do and he looked uncertainly at Alphonse, "…I guess I shouldn't do that. I don't want to…uh…make you uncomfortable…" his face turned a little red.

Alphonse stomach clenched when he pictured himself grabbing Edward right then and kissing him.

He instead turned his face into his pillow and curled into himself further.

He felt Edward's hand give his hair a quick stroke and then he mumbled another good night, there was the sound of his uneven footsteps across the wooden floorboards, the door opening and then closing quietly a second later.

Edward was gone.

Alphonse started crying again.