I have been wanting to write a one shot where we get a glimpse into Blair actually grieving for the baby she lost and an understanding to why she is pushing everyone she really loves away. So this is my take on that. I hope I did it justice. Please review if you have the time. Thanks!
I do not own Gossip Girl obviously.
Blair pulled the door open and rushed into the cool, dim hospital chapel. The tears she had been holding back since she abruptly left Dorota's room came streaming down her cheeks. A quick glance around confirmed that she was alone and she was grateful for that. She genuflected and entered the first pew. She lowered the kneeler and knelt down bowing her head.
It seemed like just yesterday that she was here praying for something altogether different. That day she was praying for God to save the life of the man she loved and today she was asking God to save hers. She was a complete mess and she didn't know how she had gotten there or how to get out.
Seeing Dorota, post-delivery, just brought to light every single thing she had lost. She was truly happy for Dorota and Vanya and their beautiful family but it hurt so much to see such true happiness. Would she ever feel even half of that again? Was it possible to ever experience pure joy?
With her head in her hands she began to pray for strength to get through the next few hours, days and months.
Chuck had watched Blair rush from Dorota's private birthing suite and knew immediately what she must be feeling. His eyes met her mother's concerned ones. He nodded once and she understood. He would go to her. He excused himself under the pretense of having to make a business call and hurried out of the room.
He knew exactly where to find her. Pushing the door open he saw her kneeling in front of the altar. Her head was bowed in her hands. He could see that her shoulders were shaking as she cried. He closed the door softly and approached her cautiously. Once he was at the front he could hear her sobs. She sounded like she was in utter agony and it made his heart ache.
He slid in next to her sitting back against the pew as he unbuttoned his jacket. Hesitantly he reached out a hand and rested it on her back.
The second she felt the hand on her back she knew it was him. She tried to get herself together but couldn't.
"Blair, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."
She lifted her head, sat back in the pew and collapsed against him. Without a seconds hesitation she felt his arms wrap tightly around her. She buried her tearstained face against the lapel of his custom made Dior suit jacket. She couldn't stop crying. It was like now that she had allowed the pain to physically come out she couldn't make it stop.
"Shh, you're okay now. I've got you." He rubbed her back gently and kissed the top of her head.
Blair took a deep breath trying to steady her breathing and stop her tears. His scent invaded her senses. It was soap mixed with a hint of cologne and scotch and it was so him. Instantly she felt comforted by such a familiar smell. It was like coming home after a very long trip and it felt safe. After a month of smelling waffles and syrup, this was pure heaven.
"I am so messed up." She struggled to get the words out as she lifted her eyes to meet his. "I'm a complete failure."
He wiped a stray tear from her cheek. "You, Blair Waldorf, are anything but a failure."
"That's exactly what I am. Look at the last several months. I've been married and divorced, dropped out of school, lost the only man I ever loved, barely speak to my best friend, I'm involved with a pretentious ass from Brooklyn of all places and to top it off I wasn't even able to carry my baby to term." The tears started to fall again.
"Blair what happened that night was a terrible accident. Had we not gotten into that car things would have gone completely different." He searched her face for understanding.
"It hurts so much Chuck. I feel like there's nothing left inside of me. I feel broken and lost. It's as if a piece of my heart has been ripped out." She laid her head on his shoulder.
He took her hand in his. "It's called grieving Blair. You lost a child and you haven't let yourself deal with that fact." He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "You know you haven't lost me though, right?"
The tears started to fall again. "When I came to after the accident and they told me I had lost the baby my only thought was of you. Then Serena told me that things were bad and that you weren't going to make it and I made a decision right then and there to make sure that that never happened." She sniffed.
Chuck reached into his jacket pocket pulling out his monogrammed handkerchief pressing it into her palm. "Do you have any idea how much it killed me to wake up from surgery and learn that not only had you miscarried but that you had left for Monaco. I wanted to be there for you and help you through your grief and you left me." His eyes were now filling up with tears. "It literally tore me apart."
Blair lifted her head from his shoulder wiping her cheeks lightly with the soft cloth. She turned slightly to face him. "Don't you understand in that moment I realized that I couldn't go through that kind of pain ever again. I couldn't take a chance of losing you or Serena or my family. It was easier to push you all away and attach myself to people I didn't really feel all that strongly about. Louis, Dan didn't matter all that much to me. If I lost them I knew I could survive it. But if I lost you or Serena I would never recover. I knew I could never come back from that. But I realized today that by protecting myself from that hurt I was denying myself true love and happiness. I've isolated myself from the only people who could ever really help me. And now I'm so frightened that it's too late."
She twisted the handkerchief between her fingers not looking at him. "I fear the one thing I was trying to avoid is the one thing I've caused to happen. How could you ever forgive me for what I've done?"
He placed a hand on her chin and lifted her face so he could look into her eyes. "I can't forgive you Blair." She gasped and started to cry again. "I can't forgive you because you've done nothing wrong. You've been trapped by this awful loss and I know the last couple of months have been hard for you but there's nothing to forgive you for Blair."
He leaned forward. "I love you and that has never changed. It's been the one constant in all of this. As far as I'm concerned there is nothing you could ever do that would make me change my mind. You haven't lost me because I've never left."
She released the breath she had been holding. "Chuck, I don't…"
He shook his head. "I don't want you do this anymore Blair. I love you and I'm not going anywhere. I also won't force you to make any decisions right now. Just know that I'm here whenever you're ready."
She pulled back as relief flooded through her body. It was like a giant weight had been lifted from her chest. "So if I told you that I wanted to move forward right now with you?"
"I'd say let me call Arthur to bring the car around and go." He smiled tentatively at her.
She shook her head. "I don't deserve you."
He sighed. "That's not true. We deserve each other. You once said to me that our path had been complicated but that love made it simple and I finally see that that's true. With love all things become clear. I told Serena I wouldn't give up on you and I'm standing by that. I will be by your side no matter where we go from here."
She faced the altar reaching for his hand again. She held it tightly as a million thoughts ran through her head. Why couldn't they be together and be happy? Isn't that what she always wanted? To be loved completely? Chuck felt that way about her. He had never, ever stopped loving her. It was like for the first time since the accident she could see clearly, think logically. Love was really all they needed. Everything else would work itself out.
"I need to take care of a couple of things and then I would like to talk."
He knew this meant that she was going to see Dan. As much as he hated the thought of her being in the Donut's presence ever again he had to respect her need to end things appropriately. He expected nothing less from Blair Waldorf. "Do whatever you need to do and then come to my place. I'll be waiting for you whenever you're ready."
She kissed him deeply wrapping her arms around his neck. She pulled back, a tad bit breathless. "Thank you for loving me and understanding me even when I don't always understand myself. I love you."
"I love you too, Waldorf."
Blair got up reluctant to walk away from him just when they had reconnected. But she had to come back to him completely free and clear of conscience. She left the chapel feeling lighter than she had in months. Life would be okay. She could get through the pain and loss as long as she had the man that she loved by her side and she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she did.