Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arawaka
I only own Shayla and Dr. Jones.
And my best friend owns Jessie.
Well, this is the disaster of a crack fanfic that comes along on the third of February and the day after. Due to boredom, me and Rachel wrote this crack fanfic featuring Shayla (my OC), her doctor, Izumi, Ed, and Jessie. Yeah... I only entended Ed to be OOc, but looking through this, I see some things Izumi wouldn't do xD
It was a gloomy day off in Central City. Rain splattered down on the concrete. Shayla, off to see her doctor, knocked on his door. "D-Dr. Jones? You there?"
"Fuck...what do you want?" he growled, opening his office door.
Shayla cringed back slightly. "S-sorry... Is this a bad time?"
"Maybe so.. Want to hear about it?"
"No.. not really.."
"I was in the middle of masterba-urg.. I mean paperwork.."
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I'm scared... I'm just gonna.."
"NUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Dr. Jones wailed. "NO LEAVY! Come in!"
She nervously laughed, a bit worried about what her doctor had been drinking lately. "U-um..I'd rather n-"
"YOU WILL COME IN HERE!" he screamed, grabbing Shayla by the collar of her shirt and throwing her inside his office.
"What in hell's domain do you want?"
His voice softened. "I need a huggie..."
"A... hug...? Sorry Dr. J... I'm not the biggest fan of hugs..."
"I. Need. A. Huggie!"
Shayla sighed. "Fine..'
Dr. Jones happily smiled and tightly hugged Shayla.
"Um...you can let go of me now..."
"NEVER!"
"Get off me, damn it!"
Izumi Curtis, who was walking by Dr. Jones's office at the time, peeked inside. Seeing what he was doing to Shayla, she ran inside and kicked him in the face. "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER! YOU BASTARD! ARE YOU RAPING THE CHILD?"
"Maybe I am... Maybe I'm not.."
"Don't fucking touch her," Izumi said slightly annoyed.
"Whatcha gonna do, Miss I'm-An-Old-Lady?"
"...what did you just call me...?"
He hiccuped and let out a crazy laugh. "Whatcha gonna do, Miss I'm-An-Old-Lady?"
She glared at him. "God, when I'm done with you, hell won't be able to save you."
"Old lady!"
"Can I help hide the body?" Shayla blurted.
"Sure, Shayla~." Izumi said with a smirk on her face.
Just then, a passing by shirtless Edward Elric walked in. He mumbled, "Dr. J, I almost crashed my car again..."
"Jessie's gonna be pissed... You know that, right?"
"Yeah, but I don't care. I'll just rape her when I get home."
"...are we gonna kill him now?" Shayla whispered.
"Jessie loves me, so she won't care when I get on top of her."
"Aren't we gonna kill him yet? I mean seriously; that fucking creepy-assed bastard tried to rape me for hell's sake!"
"I just hope Jessie's in the mood to let me on her. Usually she just goes with it. God, she's good when she's in bed. Rawr."
"I'm scared.." mumbled Shayla.
"Imma rape Shayla now!" Dr. Jones slurred.
"Okay, have fun!" Ed exclaimed. "You rape Shayla, I'll rape Jessie. Get on the happy face, Edward!" he said to himself.
"Yaaaaaays, raping time!"
"Is anyone gonna help me...?"
"No. You're mine now," Dr. Jones replied.
"Wa-bu-the hell! You're fourty and I'm nineteen... That's not gonna work! That's pedophillia!"
"I'm gonna go rape that sexy little wife of mine."
"Ok, Edward. See ya later."
"Whatever."
Shayla ran to an emo corner and sat down. "I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die!"
"Shayla, you'll be fine," Izumi said comforting.
"YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHO'S GONNA GET RAPED, GRANNY!"
"...what did you say?"
"Nooooottthhhhhinng."
"Do any of you have a gift I can give Jessie? 'Cause when she finds out about the car she'll be pissed."
"Flowers?" Izumi suggested.
"Okay! Raping time!" Dr. Jones squealed.
"I'm gonna fucking die..."
"Oh, it's raping time, raping time! Who's gonna get raped first upon?" He glanced at Shayla. "Shaaaaaaaayylla?"
She gulped. "W-what?"
"Imma fuck chu now."
"Miss Izumi, save meh!" Shayla screamed, jumping into Izumi's arms.
"The hell do I look like, a superhero?"
Passing by Dr. Jones office now was a black-haired female who stood around six feet five inches. She stomped into Dr. J's office and rudely announced, "Where the fuck is my husband?"
"The fuck'd you come from?" Izumi asked.
"I don't know.. Maybe something called a door, Sherlock Homes!"
"Well then," Izumi said.
"Where is he? I feel like being raped."
Shayla, having enough of this hell hole, stood from her corner and tried to walk out. Everyone stood in awe. Except for Dr. Jones. The doctor pulled a rope that caused thousands of anime plushies to fall in front of the door.
"You'll never escape. I'll rape you all...and I'LL BE HAPPY!"
"I've got a husband for that. His name's Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist. So, no, not all of us, just them. Jessie go to her bed for that."
"ALL OF YOUR GENTILES BELONG TO DR. JONES!"
"Oooooh, hell no!" Jessie growled.
"You shouldn't use that kind of language, Jessica," Izumi mumbled.
"I'm twenty-one, I can say whatever the fuck I wanna say!"
Shayla, back in her emo corner, mumbled, "Are you gonna fuck us now..?"
"Please don't," said Izumi, "I have a life to live."
"Jessie won't let him fuck you...or me...or Izumi... RUN AWAY!" Jessie screamed, running around Doctor Jones's office like a mad person.
Shayla sniffled. "I want my Solfy.."
"I want Sig.." Izumi sighed.
"I want a Season Five Box Set of Good Girls Gone Wild," Ed said dreamingly. "Urg...I mean I want my Jessie."
"But I'm right here!"
Ed threw Jessie out the office window. "No, you're not."
"I want Solf."
"I want Sig.."
"I wanna commit suicide right now.."
"I wanna throw a knife at you for saying that."
Dr. Jones grabbed Shayla and took her to his "operation" room."Let's get started." He dropped Shayla to the floor.
Shayla huddled to her emo corner. "NU! MISS IZUMI!"
Izumi pounded on the door. "Shayla! Shayla! Don't die! Don't die!"
"Wasn't what I expected you'd say.."
Dr. Jones walked over to Shayla in her emo corner and tore her shirt off. "There, that's better~."
Shayla deeply blushed and looked down. "The hell have you been drinking lately, Dr. Jones?"
"Crack and pot," he giggled. "Aaaand several beers."
Just then, the office entrance that had the thousands of anime plushies covering it burst open as Jessie stomped inside. "You son of a bitch! How dare you throw me out a fucking window!"
"Oops.."
"No-wait, where's Shayla?"
"In that freak's operating room," izumi said mournfully.
"What is she doing in there?"
"He dragged her in and he's trying to rape her."
"Holy shit!" Jessie paniced. "Isn't anyone gonna help her?"
"I tried, but the door's locked."
"I know how to take care of a stubborn door."
"And how would that be?" Ed asked his wife.
"Ketsu!" A large blue box-like thing appeared around the door. "Mestu!" A partion of the door exploded.
"Yay, I'm saved!"
"Yes, you have been saved," Jessie grinned. Then oddly enough, she threw her arms around Ed and shoved her face into his.
"Dude, there's no time for a make-out session!" growled Izumi. She slipped threw the lost portion of the door and approached Shayla and embraced her into the older women's arms.
"Get off of me! I've had enough hugs for one day!"
Izumi facepalmed. "Sorry..." She got up and started walking out of the room.
"NUUUUUUUUUUU! MISS IZUMI!"
"Oh, just shut up. I'm not gonna leave you!" she growled. Walking over to Jessie, she grabbed her ear and threw her out the window.
" Yooou bbbiiitttttttccccccccccccchh!" Jessie screamed.
"Teacher! What the fuck was that for?" Ed screamed.
"Your turn."
Ed screamed. "Please don't kill me, Teacher! Seriously, I'm a virgin! Please don't kill the virgin; we're pathetic enough as it is."
"Ed, you and I both know well that you aren't a virgin. And I think the women wants you."
"Oh.. Well in that case, I'll just throw myself out the window." He then threw himself out the window.
Izumi looked out the window. "I suggest none of you look outside.." She shivered.
"Hm? Child almost being raped by a crazy person here!" Shayla yelled, slightly annoyed Izumi left her.
"Why?" Dr. Jones asked, randomly appearing behind Izumi. "Are they dead?"
"No, just undressed and kinda fucking each other."
"Screw you people!" Shayla ran at the door, but forgetting some of the door was blown off by Jessie's Kekkai, ran into a still existing piece of the door. She immediately ran into it again, managing to break through it. She collapsed onto the ground; the right side of her pale skin covered in blood.
Dr. Jones looked out the window and started talking to himself.
Izumi raised her eyebrow. "Are you masterbating..?"
"Maybe.. What am I gonna do? Not my fault those two turn me on!"
"You sicko.." Izumi said in disgust, kinda freaked out.
"I mean what if you were a guy with problems? You'd be doing this too!"
"Like hell I would. Never in a million years. That is just plain sick!" She glanced outside to see Ed and Jessie no longer there, but against an empty car. "Those idiots.. And they wonder why Jessie is always pregnant.."
Shayla looked up. Her vision was slightly blurry due to running into the doot a couple times. "Um...hellooo? Almost raped child here...!"
"God, I got to admit they do kinda make you a bit horny.." Izumi leaped out of Dr. Jones's office and sang, "Oh my darling Sig, I'm coming home!"
Shayla scrambled to her feet. "Miss Izumi! Wait for me! Don't leave me alone with the pedophile doctor!" She immediately ran after Izumi.
Dr. Jones sighed sadly. "I'm all alone." He sat down in his chair and thought to himself, wait, I'm married, too! "Oh, Celest," he called out, "how I love you! I'm coming hom for myself!" Once more, he stared outside the window. "Damn, they look hot." Then the office building fell down on hime and he died.
Meanwhile outside next to the car Ed and Jessie were near..
They didn't notice anything and continued their "session."
Meanwhile over in some random-assed street with Shayla and Izumi...
They both ran home and lived happily ever after.
The End...or is it..?