My hand slides across the cold sheets beside me. "Rose," I groan, knowing I won't get an answer. "Rose," I try again. "Damn it, Roselyn," I mutter. "You do this every time." Reaching for my phone on the table sightlessly, I crack one eye to type out a text. Why do you always do this?
Read immediately pops up but no reply comes.
Are you at least okay?
Three dots pop up before a thumbs up appears.
We're going to have to talk about this at some point. We can't just ignore it anymore.
Again, I'm left on read so I pull myself from the bed.
"I don't know why you expect anything different. It is the same story every week since the beginning," my brain lectures as I start the shower . "Just because you want more doesn't mean she ever will."
The first time, I thought maybe she saw me as more than a friend. She was lonely in the hotel's bar and she text me to join her.
"What's up, Rose?"
"Just wanted some company and couldn't think of anyone better."
I can't help the smile that mirrors hers as I settle into the booth beside my longtime friend. "I couldn't think of better company either."
The conversation flows from me and the liquor flows through the woman though her attention never leaves me. Her hand resting on my forearm as she listens intently and I have to focus on the conversation we are having and not the feelings the simple touch brings up. I found myself falling for the woman months ago and have yet to find the courage to say anything to her. I stumble over my words as her hand drops to my thigh, her thumb soothing in random patterns over the denim of my jeans.
"Something wrong, Bo?"
"N…No," I squeak. "No," I state more firmly.
"You sure?" Her head falls forward to rest against my bicep, her thumb never stopping.
"Yeah," I smile, sucking in a breath to continue my conversation.
"You would tell me if there was, right?"
"Of course."
"You wouldn't let me do anything that you don't want?"
"Why would you ask something like that?"
"Just answer the question."
"No, Rose. I don't think that you would ever do anything like that anyway."
"Really?" Her head comes up to look at me.
"Of course."
Her hand slowly slides up the inside of my thigh, stopping just short of my groin as she leans up to capture my lips in a searing kiss. Pulling back, she stares into my eyes, holding her breath.
"What was that?"
"Me making the first move," she states, biting her lip.
That lip bite is what breaks me, I pull her into my own passionate kiss. The fact that she disappeared before the sun peaks through the curtains the following morning breaks my heart. The fact that she acted like nothing happened drove home the pain.
I shake the thoughts from my head, stepping under the hot water. "It's time to tell her what this is doing to me."
X
"Rose," I start. The speech I've been practicing all night dissipates as she turns to smile at me.
"Hey Bo."
Steeling myself, I push forward. "We need to talk, Rose."
Her smile wavers before it seems like she steels herself also. "About what?"
"You know what?"
"Enlighten me."
"What are we?"
She opens her mouth to answer and I cut her off.
"I want you to truly think about your answer to that question. I want to know what I am to you. Am a friend like you act most of the week? Am I just a fuck buddy like you act like every Friday night after a trip to the bar? Or am I something else entirely?"
She studies me, before licking her lips. "What do you want me to say Bo? Because I can clearly see that you hope for an answer that is one of those three options. I just don't know which one that hope is pinned to and I think one of us is going to be completely hurt."
"You know I live for the weekends when your walls come down. I wanna say, that I could be your strong stuff. That I could keep you when you lose your buzz. I wish it didn't hurt me like it does," I start, laying all the emotions out in my words. "I wish I had a better reason but that's all you're giving me. And I wish you loved me like you do every Friday night. I wish you still wanted me when the sun begins to rise. I wish you had to have me like you do when you're not thinking. I wish you would just look at me and see how much I love you."
I stare at the tears welling in her eyes and realize what her answer is. I'm not going to like it in any shape or form.
"You don't have to answer, Roselyn. I can see it on your face. I guess I'll see you next Friday when you can't think straight and want to screw."
I turn to leave and she steps around me to stand if front of me, tears streaming down her cheeks. She opens her mouth several times before burying her face against my shoulder, sobs racking her body. I stand still allowing her to sob as I fight the urge to wrap my arms around her and pull her even closer. Finally, she quiets, turning her head to press an ear over my heart. "I wish I was a better person, Bo," she whispers. "I wish I could just lay everything out like that. I'm so scared." Taking a step back, she looks up at me. "Give me the week. I'll give you my answer Friday night…sober. If it's not…If I can't find my courage by then, I won't bother you anymore. Can you do that," she asks, her voice cracking. "Can you let me find the courage to be as brave as you?"
A small spark of hope ignites in my chest.
"Bo?"
I nod, terrified I would say something that would cause her to douse that small flame of hope.
"I guess I'll see you Friday night then."
"See you, Friday," I agree.