Pairings: S/J, Jack/Thor

Spoilers: Threads, conjecture about Avalon

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: For Nos, who is a Jack/Thor shipper for evah! Um, I mentioned this was badfic, right?

He'd thought it would be nice to pay Sam a surprise visit. Sweet - romantic, even. Of course, things never went to plan: truth be told, he hadn't exactly expected to find her at home, let alone sitting on the couch glaring at him.

There had to be some mistake. He was her Meant-To-Be; they'd spent eight years flirting and eye-fucking across the briefing-room table, for crying out loud. She couldn't possibly be annoyed with him, she must have just had a bad day.

"Hey, babe, how are things going?" He leaned down to kiss her but she flinched away. He straightened slowly, trying to ignore the dull ache in the small of his back, aware that it was going to get a lot worse if he misjudged things. "I missed you," he ventured.

Sam turned on him with the fury of a very angry woman. "I missed you too. In fact, I missed you so much that I flew all the way to Washington to see you a few days ago."

Ah. Shit. "And?"

"And your office is actually General Mitchell's office." Sam's eyes blazed like a thousand pissed-off suns. "I can't believe you've been pretending to be a two star general all this time when you'd just buggered off because you got bored of it all! How could you lie to me?"

Yes, that would be the part she'd focus on. "I am - it's just, I got bored with all the paperwork, so I resigned." Jack breathed out in a rush: it felt so good to finally say it out loud. Of course, he'd said it to himself in the mirror several times, and he'd told all the bartenders the evening he went out to celebrate his retirement and ended up puking over his dress uniform (good thing he wouldn't be needing that again), but none of those times really counted, obviously.

Except now Sam was shrieking. "You retired now? How come you didn't think of that one five years ago?"

Oh, for pity's... "My knees weren't bust then."

Jack watched in fascination as she turned very, very red and then very, very white: he'd thought that only happened it cartoons. Maybe he could have phrased that differently. "I'm leaving!"

Talk about an over-reaction. "Sam!"

"I can't believe you did this to me!" Cliché number two. "I loved you!" That would be three. "I used to eat all that damn jell-o instead of cake, just so I wouldn't get fat and lose you!"

He had to admit that it had worked - she did have a great body. He gave it an appreciative once-over.

"Jerk!" She stormed past him, then stopped to hover in the doorway to the outside (after opening the door of course, because only Daniel gets to walk through walls, and only then when he's a glowy-jellyfish-thing). "Just tell me one thing: who were you with, all those times when I phoned and got your answeringmachine?"

Nope, she never was that bright really. He didn't want to lie to her, but he was afraid she wasn't going to take his answer the right way. "Thor."

The door slammed behind her.

A couple of hours later Jack figured that Sam might have started to cool down, maybe, and seeing as he'd finished all the leftover takeout in her fridge he decided to call himself a cab. Sam was bound to be buried (not literally) in her lab at the SGC, eyes glued to her computer as she desperately tried to block out all thoughts of his (entirely innocent) betrayal. He'd find her there and explain, well, maybe not the truth, but a simplification - just so that she could understand. It would be fine.

xxx

He was ready for Sam to glare at him as he walked into the lab, but slightly less prepared to find his two former teammates standing there, glowering at him in unison.

"Hey guys."

"Jack."

"O'Neill."

"Peanut butter." Jack took a tiny step backwards as they glared even more glaringly. "What?"

Daniel's voice was quiet, like the meow of a kitten who'd had its vocal cords removed by an irate owner. "Sam told us that you were never actually Head of Home World Security."

Jack tried not to roll his eyes. "I was, I just didn't tell you guys that I'd resigned because I found the paperwork boring. Better now?"

Daniel's face cleared up. "Actually, that's less - "

"He's been cheating on me!" Sam interrupted.

Trust her to focus on the details. "It's not like that - "

Daniel's voice cut through Jack's like an un-muted kitten who'd just tried its first chili-flavoured crisps and wished it had stuck to the cheese and onion. "You and Jack have been sleeping together?"

Jack resisted the urge to slap himself - or Daniel - between the eyes. "Daniel, do you remember when you all came up to my cabin to go 'fishing', in a lake - "

"A pond," interrupted Sam. He glared at her.

"In a pondlike lake with no fish? What did you think that was all about?" He'd enjoyed making those little apostrophe marks with his fingers

Daniel pouted. "A team building exercise?"

Jack blinked. "Daniel, you need to get laid."

Teal'c nodded. "Indeed."

Sam was not entirely pleased that the attention had been diverted from herself and her woes. "He's been cheating on me with an alien," she expounded.

"Sam!" Jack exclaimed, hoping to divert Daniel's attention to him. Yes, that would work.

It didn't. "Jack, you've been sleeping with Teal'c?"

Sam gazed at Jack in horror. Jack gazed at Teal'c in horror. Teal'c, very deliberately, raised an eyebrow.

"I believe that O'Neill is speaking of Thor, Daniel Jackson."

Sam turned on Teal'c (still in horror). "You knew?"

Teal'c had cunningly switched raised eyebrows while no one was looking. "Was it not apparent, Major Carter?"

Sam fell into a stuttering silence; Jack took advantage of her discombobulation to grasp her hand and check out her fingernails. "Sam, there's nothing physical between Thor and I."

She gazed at him soulfully. "Really?"

"Nothing at all - I mean, sure I've given him the odd foot massage, and he finds the human form very amusing to look at - but nothing's been going on, I swear!"

Jack looked away from the sight of Daniel trying to look knowing (kitten choking on hairball), and back to Sam. "So why did you go away with him?" she asked. "I, just - all those times I came to see you and told you that your appartment looked almost unlived in. I should have known!"

It wasn't polite to argue with a lady. "Me and Thor..." Jack shrugged helplessly. "Sam, you're hot, but what I have with him is just on a different level. I need you both - you for the hot sex, and Thor for the other stuff."

Sam considered. "Though I have been grievously betrayed, there is truth in your words. Indeed, hot sex aside, I prefer to spend my time with Daniel."

Jack ignored the "Hah!" that came from Daniel's direction and eyed her suspiciously. "Sam, have you been spending a lot of time outside work with Teal'c?"

Teal'c kindly pounded Daniel on the back until he stopped choking and started wheezing - those First Aid courses he'd taken with Janet had really paid off. Sam ignored the noise and took a step towards Jack. "So, what you're saying is that you want to explore the galaxy with Thor and pop home for a quick shag when you're not too busy and/or feeling horny?"

Jack took a deep breath. "Yes?"

Sam frowned. "If you'd only 'fessed up earlier, you'd have saved me a fortune on long-distance phone calls."

"Sorry?" he ventured.

Sam reached out for Jack's belt buckle... and stopped. "And you promise you've never had sex with Thor?"

Jack looked into her eyes and crossed his fingers behind his back. "I swear."

Completing the gesture, she grabbed him and pulled him to her. Teal'c pounded Daniel on the back unsuccessfully, finally carrying him out of the room (over his broad and manly shoulder) in the faint hope that removing him from the scene of his distress would ease his suffering. And then they done sex. (Sam and Jack, obviously - Daniel was still very shy and needed more time to come to terms with the idea of some alien lovin') And then they done it again.

Millions of metres away, Thor watched through his alien periscope that could see through walls and clothes and stuff, and chuckled as he beamed Jack aboard his ship. And then they done sex.

The end.