The trip from Mystic Falls to Florida (Hey, I like the sun.) was not entirely a decision made by my own. My temper, you see, had driven me to the idea that perhaps leaving my brother and Elena together, without me in the picture, was a very good one. I drove for fifteen miles only to stop the car abruptly, turn off the engine, and wallow in what I had done. Her gross words replayed themselves over and over in my head, like God was putting them on repeat just for his own sick amusement. "Well, maybe that's the problem." Is this my punishment, Lord? Listening to the words that nearly shattered my heart — or what is left of a heart — not just once, but twenty times? Thirty? Fifty?
My problem certainly was not that I loved her, but that, no matter what she did, I always would.
A small part of my delusional mind believed she had feelings for me as well. Feelings that Stefan did not, and could not, give her. Elena and I were on a level all our own. If I live to be a million, nobody will ever come close to touching my heart as she did. She had pierced it with her very own mark, much deeper than anyone ever had. In fact, much deeper than Katherine ever had. I think I left a mark on her heart, too, whether or not she actually feels it.
I know what I have to do, solely because I am a man that cannot bear to leave things be where they are. Solely because I cannot stand the thought of leaving my brother to face Klaus. And solely because I cannot leave her behind. I start the engine and make a U-turn, already pushing 70 MPH. I was going a steady 45 MPH on the way down, so I can imagine I'll get home a lot faster with this speed. My head starts pulsing and the roots in my gums start to ache, a signal that I should find something (funny how I said 'something' and not 'someone'.) to drink. But have you ever been so caught up in your emotions, caught up in reality, that the idea of eating or drinking does not please you? No matter if you are starving for food or in desperate need of thirst, the mere idea of doing just that seems pointless. I've come across this feeling many times in my life and I believe that this is because we are not really hungry or thirsty. It is our minds that long for relief, not our bodies. We long for things that the mind craves. Like love, for instance.
Do I crave love? Not really. To be brutally honest, I do not care if anyone loves me. I simply wish for somebody to care about me. For someone that would remember me if I died. I've certainly come close to death before and each time I have pondered what I'd accomplished. I've also pondered whether anybody would actually care or just pretend to. Today may be promised but tomorrow is not, even when you are immortal.
I park my car outside of Elena's house just a few hours later. The clock on my dash reads "4:17 AM" and I can hear the Gilbert house peacefully asleep. With an absence of Jeremy, Ric's labored snoring disrupts my angel's quiet sighs. I'll have to smack Ric later for disturbing the peace. As I perch myself upon the limb outside of her window, I listen closely to her breathing and drown out the annoyance of her somewhat guardian only rooms away. Her breathing is a sweet, familiar melody that haunts me even in my very own dreams. No, not haunt. Dances. Yes, it dances with me. For once in my long, sad life I am able to escape to a world entirely my own, all the while my favorite song fights away the demons of reality. Because there, I am loved in return. And here, I will never die. I am monster here. More specifically, a monster perched outside of my beautiful prey's window.
Could I call her prey? I don't think so. Prey runs from the predator with fear in its eyes, desperate to save itself from the certain of death if it is caught. Elena is not prey, no, for she runs headfirst into the predator and challenges him bravely. She dares him to try to take a piece of her and swallow it whole. A nervous feeling whirls in my chest. I shouldn't be here. I am the problem. I am her problem.
"Screw it. I've always been a problem." I think to myself, and with once leap I'm inside of her bedroom. I shut the window just as quickly as I had opened it to be sure no gust of chilly wind can kiss her warm body. Elena does not stir. With the footing of an age-old vampire I step to the side of her bed and hover over her. She looks so damn perfect I almost want to hit myself for once thinking I once wanted to hurt her. My hand reaches down to stroke her cheek, my touch the lightest it's been in fifty years. The tips of my fingers feel the warmth of her face and then trace the curve of her jaw and the flesh on her neck. So beautiful. My sleeping beauty. My angel.
Her throat moans in the slightest, the familiar significance that a human is waking up from slumber. I should go, but tonight I'll stay. Eyelids still closed, her hand reaches up to wipe hair from her face and catches my hand lingering above her. She grasps hold of it and her eyes flutter apart, ready to look at what she has just discovered. She travels up the arm of the hand that holds hers and finds me staring down at her, a gentle smirk on my face. We say nothing to each other and yet the room screams a thousand words. My hand is burning at her touch, all the while my mind is spinning at the fact she hasn't let go of me. "Damon?" she whispers, eyes filling with water and throat thick with sleep.
"Sorry to wake you." I whisper, planting myself next to her. I smooth down her bedhead with a quick brush of my hand.
"You didn't answer me when I called you." She accused, brow crumbling.
"I know. I'm here now. What did you want to say?"
Elena is silent for a long moment. I watch her while she watches me. It's a very human thing to do of her, for humans like to take the moment to appreciate another's facial features. Funny for me to say that since, moments ago, I was appreciating hers as well. "Sorry."
"Don't apologize." I whisper quickly. "It's my fault."
"No." she argues, sitting upright and allowing her face to be closer to mine. "No, it's not. What I said…" her eyes bore deep into mine. "I didn't mean what I said. Please know that." I'm more than aware she would never lie to me, so I just nod my head in the slightest. I didn't come here to talk about what had happened. I was here….well, I was here because….I….why was I here, again?
Our hands are still connected.
"You left, didn't you?" she says softly.
"Yes."
"But you came back."
"Yes."
"Why?"
My response is almost immediate. "Because I'd never leave you, of course. I made that promise and I am a man of my word."
To my utmost surprise, Elena laughs in disbelief. "No you're not."
I grin like a naughty schoolboy. "No…but with you I am."
She blushes at this and I cannot understand why. Maybe she couldn't fathom the idea that she was the one I would always look out for. The idea that, if I betrayed everyone, I would leave her out. I would always be a man of my word with Elena. I had mentioned before that Elena's guardian slept downstairs, but that is a nasty lie. Her guardian now sits beside her, caressing her hand with a stroke of his thumb. I am her guardian.
Speaking of Ric, Elena asks, "Does Ric know you're here?"
"No." I whisper with a shake of my head. Part of me wonders if she really meant Alaric or if she meant somebody else.
"Good. I just want it to be the two of us. I thought I lost you." She pulls our connected hands into her lap. Her heart pounds in her chest loud enough to drown the sound of snoring down the hall. Loud enough to become the only thing I can focus on. Why is she so nervous? Do I make her nervous? I realize that, yes, I do.
That's alright, she makes me nervous as well.
"Losing me would be a very hard thing to do." I say at last.
"But not impossible." she reminds, drawing me back to a time where she had almost lost me. We are in my bedroom and I am sweating profusely and I am dying, each breath threatening to be my last. And then Elena is curled against my chest as tears drip from her face and I confess to her that I love her since, the first time I did, I wiped away that memory completely. From that moment on I knew she cared about me. But it made me wonder just how much.
Even now, how much did she care about me?
"You're right. But until then, I'm always here."
She smiles softly. "I know."
As much as I would like to stay, I know she is tired. "You should sleep. It's about 4:30 in the morning."
"Mmm," she murmurs, looking around the room and then back to her bed. "Yeah." I expect her to let go, but she doesn't, only lays back down and then pulls on my arm. I think I know what she wants. I just cannot believe it. "Do you mind?"
"Of course not." I smirk and then plant myself next to her for the second time in my life. She still has not let go of my hand, only brings it up to her cheek as she falls asleep. I cannot believe her warmth.
We lay in silence, Elena's eyes closed and mine wide open simply watching. Her breathing has become to patterned that I think she's asleep. That is, until she whispers, "Thank you, Damon."
"For what?"
She finally drifts to sleep, letting me spend the night wondering exactly what she is thankful for.