It was a sunny, beautiful, Saturday afternoon when our story begins. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and hobos were fighting stray animals over scraps of food in the garbage. All in all, it was a lovely day. Which is why it was such a pity every jerk and his dog currently had their eyes glued to the television instead of frolicking around outside.
Ah, well. The sun makes my skin bubble and smoke. Let's see what everyone is watching, shall we?
A squat, brown primate sat in front of the camera, eyes unblinking and unfocused as it stared off into space in the camera's general direction. There was no sound, save for the occasional buzzing of a fly as it flew too close to the boom mic. It was unnerving, unsettling and un-not-creepy-ing. Suddenly, the silence was broken, a low, gurgling growl could be heard coming from the monkey's abdomen. Something was about to happen, everyone watching at home could feel it in their marrow.
Phhhbt!
"Haha! And who could forget that unforgettable moment from season six!" Came the soft, British accent of the announcer as the image froze and pulled back to reveal that the clip had been played from a screen in an interview studio and the prestigious reporter: Alan, to whom the voice had belonged to. "Yes, never a dull moment on the Monkey Show, is there? Of course, as the top-rated show in the world, it should be! Other such hits, such as Everybody Despises Jessie or Bloaty: The Bounty Hunter just cannot compare to the sheer popularity of The Monkey Show! But, how did it all begin, you might ask. Well then, let's take a trip down to the corner of Memory Lane and Nostalgia Boulevard, shall we?!"
The viewers were soon subjected to baby pictures of the monkey in question. Drooling, snotty, disgusting baby pictures. "It all started seventeen years ago when the show's superstar: Rikki The Monkey, was set in front of camera and was broadcast live around the world! The adorable, baby monkey touched the hearts of the people all over the world, much like the heartworms in season eight, and Little Rikki soon found himself forever indentured to the television industry! Much to our great enjoyment, I might add!"
A montage of notable moments in Rikki's life played over Alan's exposition. Photos of Rikki at a fancy restaurant having a date with a female popstar, on stage in a rap battle between Poop Dawg and Baby Barph, and strapped into a spaceship being launched into orbit were star-wiped upon the screen as the host of the show announced: "We will return to The Monkey Show: Behind the Stench, after these messages!"
Yes, everyone loved Rikki the Monkey. Everyone save for three people, one of whom was currently watching the show, much to his displeasure, in a little, green, freakish house on the border of the city and suburbia.
"That... HORRIBLE... Monkey." Zim cursed as he sat upon the enormous couch in the living room of his base, staring at the television screen as the show played the commercials that were the life-blood of the entertainment industry at several decibels higher than the program itself. "How can anyone possibly ENJOY this... FILTH!"
Sitting beside the Irken on the couch were three individuals that did indeed enjoy aforementioned filth, as evident from the absurd amount of Monkey Show merchandise they were currently wearing.
"I love this show!" GIR stated, waving a giant, novelty, foam finger declaring his love for Rikki the Monkey and wearing a t-shirt with the words: You Da Monkey! as he sat amongst his monkey-loving peers. "Sooooooo MUCH!"
Minimoose, who had his antlers poking out of the sleeves of a t-shirt that had a stylized stencil of Rikki the Monkey with the word Poop below it, gave a squeak of agreement with his bionic brother.
"Gee, Zim..." Began Skoodge, whom was wearing a t-shirt over his uniform with the words: Rikki the Monkey ROCKS! upon it. "It's not THAT bad! Hey, guys... remember... remember the episode when..."
The portly Irken was unable to finish whatever he was saying as recalling the memory caused him to have a laughing fit. Zim sighed, shaking his head in disgust at his underlings' entertainment choice as he snatched up the remote. He changed the channel to an action/drama where Bloaty the Pizza Hog was chasing a parking-violation multiple-offender, who had run out on bail, in a circle from the back of a rascal scooter, every-so-often firing a pig-shaped beanbag full of buckshot from his sawed-off shotgun at the fugitive. "UGH! Bloaty getting too old for this! Ugh..."
GIR started to hyperventilate, wailing and babbling incoherently as he flailed about in a panicked tantrum, fearing that any moment the commercial break would end on the other channel without they knowing it, causing them to miss precious seconds of the documentary. Zim could only take so much of his minion's fits before giving in.
"Err! FINE!" The Irken growled, shoving the remote into Skoodge's midsection before hopping off of the couch to storm off to the kitchen to get himself a snack. "It's a rerun, anyway!"
The fat, retired Invader gave a grunt as he pulled the remote out of his gut and switched the channel back to the documentary, just as Bloaty had run the fleeing bounty over with a sickening crunch.
"-And now, let us hear from some viewers whose lives were touched by Rikki's filthy, greasy monkeypaws!" Alan announced as a clip from an earlier interview with a typical, American family played.
"Oh, we just LOVE The Monkey Show!" The wife exclaimed as one of her children ate a big, heaping handful of dirt.
"Why, it's the only thing keeping our soulcrushing, loveless marriage together!" The husband said, giving an enormous smile to the camera whilst one of his kids hit the other with a crowbar.
A clip from another interview was then played, this one from a Pediatric Ward where a sickly child was laying in a hospital bed, surrounded by I.V. drips and monitoring equipment. At his side was Poop Dawg, who had been sent by the Poop Cola Corporation to peddle the sweetened, carbonated, heavily-treated sewage-water to the ill children, much to his great sorrow.
"The Doctors say The Monkey Show is the only thing keeping me alive!" The sick child said, coughing feebly and causing Poop Dawg to shed a tear and look away as he presented the dying boy with a gift basket of Poop Cola.
Another clip was played, this time from an average, suburban neighborhood where a gray-skinned man in an orange prison-jumpsuit and a hockey mask stood in front of his well-maintained house and spoke to the camera. "Why, watching Rikki the Monkey everyday is the only thing keeping me a respectable member of society! Mornin', Frank!"
The show returned to Alan in the studio, where he was probably saying something poignant on the subject. Whatever it was we shall never know, as Zim's maniacal laughter overwhelmed the T.V.'s volume as the interviews had given the evil alien an idea most wicked. Of course, Zim then made the mistake of trying to eat a handful of gummy badgers whilst cackling and promptly began to choke. Skoodge and GIR played a quick game of Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide who would help dislodge the gummy snack from the Invader's windpipe.
Later that night, the Invader put his new, devious scheme into effect. Breaking into the Television Studio and kidnapping someone from the premises had been pathetically easy. The Men's Room Door of Zim's base burst open as the Irken strode in victoriously, followed closely by his faithful, malfunctioning SIR (Well, not technically a SIR.) Unit carrying a large, squirming, burlap sack. Both of them were wearing ski-masks.
"TOO easy!" Zim exclaimed as he pulled off his mask, turning back to his henchbot. "Release the prisoner from his sack, GIR! He has nowhere to run!"
The Irken cackled with malefic glee as the annoying android upturned the sack, releasing it's captive onto the floor of the base. Zim's laughter was cut short, however, when what flopped out of the sack turned out not to be the intended prisoner but a mere teenage stagehand that GIR had snatched up by mistake.
"What is this?! Who are you?! WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF A MONKEY ON THE WALL?!" The panicked adolescent screamed as he sat upon his knees in the middle of the living room.
The Irken growled at his minion's incompetence. "GIR! This is the wrong one!"
"But dis one has PIMPLES! I WANNA POP HIS HEAD!" GIR giggled, pinching the air with glee.
Zim slapped his palm to his forehead, sighing and pulling his mask down as he headed back out the door. "Back to the studio, then. GIR, dispose of the stageslave!"
"YES, SIR!" The robot saluted, duty mode briefly activated as he twisted the stagehand's head around one-hundred-and-eighty degrees with a quick, sickening crack.
"... I'm okay." The stagehand wheezed after falling flat on where his face should have been. GIR dragged the now-paralyzed teen out the front door and deposited him face-first into a garbage can before giggling and skipping happily after his master.
One brief trip back to the studio and a short stop at the corner store later, the Invader and his robot henchman returned home with a squirming burlap sack, yet again.
"Take TWO!" Zim exclaimed, pulling off his mask and placing a plastic bag with a carton of milk in it on the floor whilst his android minion stood the sack up. "Open the sack, GIR."
"What's in the sack?! WHAT'S IN THE SACK?!" The android screeched.
"GIR, you were there when-"
"WHAT'S IN THE SACK?!"
"GIR, you know what's in the-"
"AH, MAN! WHAT'S IN THE SACK?!"
"GIR!" Zim sighed, concluding that this conversation was going nowhere fast, he decided to simply open the sack, himself. The brown burlap fell to the floor to reveal Rikki the Monkey, standing in all his stinking, primate glory. "BEHOLD!"
"Aww! You shouldn't have!" GIR giggled, hugging the side of smelly monkey standing perfectly still. "I'mma call 'em PEANUT!"
"No, GIR." The Invader scolded. "This is Rikki, remember? We kidnapped him from the studio to destabilize humanity by depriving them of his hideous, simian image! Remember?"
"An' den whuh happened?"
Zim just rolled his eyes at his absent-minded minion before turning his attention to the motionless monkey and began wringing his hands with malice. "Yesss... soon the humans will discover their precious stink-beast is missing! And then it's only a matter of time until the resulting chaos caused by the deprived monkey-junkies turns this planet ripe for conquest! RIPE, I SAY! As ripe as this monkey, whew!"
The Invader waved a hand in front of his face, trying to fan away the horrific stench emanating from the kidnapped monkey. It was at this moment that Skoodge exited the kitchen, noticing the return of his friend.
"Heh-hey! You're back! Did you get the milk I- AHHHHHHHH!" The portly Irken screamed in terror as the normally motionless Rikki suddenly sprung to life, screeching as he pounced upon the retired Invader and began to maim him with the savage might of ten titanium gorillas.
"AHHHH! HELP! HELP ME! IT WANTS MY BLOODMEATS! AHHHHHHH!" Skoodge screamed as Zim and GIR just watched in awe as the monkey attacked their fat friend.
GIR smiled. "I love this show."