The Subtext
by Viv Martella's Ghost
see end of story for credits and disclaimers :)
-------------------------
PC Bradford raised her binoculars for another glance. Rain trickled softly down the windows of her obbo car, obscuring her view a little. The target had left his curtains open, making the inside of his flat brightly visible in the dark night, so that was something at least. Inside the flat, he stood and moved to another room, out of sight. Bradford lowered her binocs and sipped her polystyrene flavoured tea.
She was startled by the car door opening, as DC Webb entered the vehicle, brushing the rain from his leather jacket.
"You weren't supposed to relieve me," said Bradford.
"I know, but I felt like taking your shift. What's he up to?"
"Not a lot. Got his trousers off watching the box."
"Here, gis a look."
Webb took the binoculars from Bradford and searched for the target. Bradford couldn't help noticing the eagerness in his face.
"You like him, don't you?" she hissed. "You like watching him."
"Leave it out. Thought that was more your style."
A man clothed in a dark suit strolled down the street outside the flat and cast a long glance their way, then disappeared into shadows.
"Here, are you sure they haven't clocked us?" said Webb.
"Yeah, course I'm sure."
"Come on, we better get out of here. Just in case."
-------------------
"What now?" muttered PC Klein, turning to see which plonker was disturbing the darkened tranquility of CAD this time.
It was TDC Kane.
"Oh, sorry, mate," said Klein. "Thought you was the guvnor come to tell me how to tie my shoes again. What can I do for you?"
"Can you do a PNC check for me on these licence plates? It's for DS Hunter. He wants it today."
Kane gave him a list. Klein made a face.
"No problem. Only because its you."
As Klein began typing in numbers, a call came through on the radio.
"Sierra Oscar from 171, receiving?"
"Sorry, Brandon, duty calls. Help yourself to the PNC though. Receiving, 171, go ahead."
Klein went to deal with the call and left Kane at the keyboard. The trainee detective constable tapped at a couple of keys, and then all of a sudden the computer screen went blank.
"Bollocks," muttered Kane, hitting the escape key.
He tried various other key combinations to make the computer behave itself. Nothing happened at first, but then some words crept across the screen and were gone.
Kane blinked at the screen, wondering if he was dreaming.
He'd thought they said: Coming down the boozer, Kano?
Just then Webb entered the room.
"Coming down the boozer, Brandon?" he said.
Kane stared at him, open mouthed.
"You all right?" said Webb.
"Yeah," said Kane slowly. "I'm fine. It's just this computer..."
He turned back to the screen and the PNC database was back, with a half typed in list of licence plates, just as Klein had left it.
"You know, I think I will have that drink," said Kane, taking his leather jacket from the back of the chair and waving goodbye to Klein.
---
Webb returned from the bar with two pints.
"Cheers, Mickey."
"Yeah, cheers."
They clinked glasses and Webb sipped his thoughtfully, looking at Kane, who was clearly still a little frazzled.
"You know, Brandon, I brought you down here for a reason."
"To get me hammered, yeah?"
"No, not this time. No, look it's something I need to tell you."
He seemed serious. Kane put down his drink.
"Go on, then."
"Well, it's just... I know what you've been doing, right. I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night you work endless hours of overtime on mysterious cases that you never talk to anyone about."
"Oh yeah?" said Kane, a rather guilty expression on his face.
"You're looking for him. I know, because I was looking for the same thing once. But when he found me, he told me it weren't really him I was looking for. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us both, Brandon. It's the question that brought you to Sun Hill in the first place. You know the question just like I did, don't ya?"
Kane glared at him, clenching his jaw.
"Well, don't you, Brandon?"
Kane sighed, and nodded.
"What is The Subtext?"
"'Sright," said Webb. "And the answer is out there. It'll find you if you want it to."
Without warning Ashton and Gilmore plonked themselves down in the booth beside them.
"Right then, what's everybody having?" said Gilmore.
Kane smirked at Webb and ordered another pint.
-------------------
The alarm clock's atonal shrieking pounded in Kane's head as he reached yet again for the sleep button. With the half eye that was open he noticed it was nearly 10am.
"Shit, shit, shit," he said, dragging himself out of bed. Poofters sure can put it away, he thought miserably, pouring himself a cold cup of coffee.
---
"Do you have a problem with authority, Brandon?" snapped Acting DI Nixon as Kane jogged into the office with his shirt untucked and heavy bags still under his eyes. "You've got a choice, detective constable. Either you choose to be at your desk on time from this day forward or you find yourself on report. Do I make myself clear?"
"Crystal, guv."
Kane took his seat and fidgeted with a stack of paperwork for a minute, but was distracted when DS Hunter entered the room and had words with Nixon. They seemed to be looking his way, though it was hard to tell what Hunter's eyes were doing through his sunglasses.
"Oh shit," muttered Kane.
He got up quietly and tried to make a beeline for the door. When Hunter blocked his way, he went back to the window, and opened the glass doors, thinking to try his luck on the balcony. He leaned over the railing, but couldn't quite gather the courage to leap the 10 feet down to the ground. Must be the hangover.
"TDC Kane," said Hunter, placing a hand on his shoulder, "come with me, son."
---
Hunter threw Kane into interview room two and closed the door, turning on the light that told the station the room was in use. There was a manila folder filled with papers and photographs on the table. Hunter pressed Kane into a seat then sat down opposite him, flashing an evil grin. Kane folded his arms.
"What's all this about, sarge? I'm sorry about those licence plates, I'll get onto them right away."
Hunter opened the folder and tossed some rather revealing photographs of Kane in his direction.
"As you can see, TDC Kane, I've had my eye on you for some time now," he said with an evil gleam in his eye. "Seems to me you're living two lives. In one, you're a brown-nosing little git of a trainee detective constable, you obey orders, do as you're told and generally get on everybody's tits by being such a nice guy. In the other, you're a perv and a sicko - out every night cruising Canley Fields looking to pick up any pillow biter who'll have you and guilty of committing virtually every deviant crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future. The other don't."
"So arrest me," said Kane defiantly.
"Now, now. Don't get your knickers in a twist. You're here because I need information. I know young Mickey Webb's been bending your ear lately. I also know that he is part of one of the most dangerous homo gangs in Sun Hill. So I think, being the brown noser that you are, you might want to do a deal with me. I'm willing to bin this file and these photos and wipe your slate clean. All you have to do is help bring this gang of known shirt lifters and bull daggers to justice."
"Sod off," said Kane, giving Hunter the finger.
"You disappoint me," said Hunter smoothly. "I'm afraid I'm gunna have to try plan B then."
Standing up and buttoning his jacket, he socked Kane hard on the nose.
Hunter went blurry in Kane's line of vision, then everything went black.
-------------------
Kane woke up in his flat, head pounding even more than it had been that morning. It was dark out - night time already. Gingerly, he lifted his head to get out of bed. As he got to his feet, the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Brandon, it's me."
"What's going on, Mickey? I don't know if I'm waking or dreaming, everything's gone all weird. And I've had Hunter wiping my nose with his knuckles."
"Yeah, sorry about Hunter. I was too slow, I couldn't stop him. But there's someone I want you to meet."
Kane's eyes widened.
"You mean... h-him?"
"Yeah. Come down to the canal, the Adams Wharf. I'll be right there, just wait for me."
---
The rain was teeming down at Adams Wharf as the station van drove up. The back door opened for Kane.
"Get in," said Webb from the back seat.
Kane got in.
"Hi Eva," he said to the driver, and DC Sharpe nodded back at him.
"Hello, Brandon," said DS McAllister from the front passenger seat, pulling out an enormous pistol and pointing it at his head. "Take off your shirt."
"What?"
"Listen, Brandon, you've only been here five minutes and I'm in charge right now. So do as you're told, there's a good constable."
"Sorry, Brandon," said Webb. "It's for your own good. We think you've been bugged."
Gritting his teeth and flashing a grumpy look at them all, Kane tore off his leather jacket and shirt.
"Lovely," said Webb, running his finger slowly over every inch of Kane's chest and belly with particular attention to his snail trail.
"Nice," said McAllister, eyes busy.
"H-h-hm," said Sharpe from the driver's seat.
"Sorry, babe," said McAllister. "Old habits."
"So where's this bug then?" spat the grumpy Kane.
"Er," said Webb, looking a bit guilty. "Looks like you're clean after all."
"Are you sure you heard right when your informant said bugged, Mickey?" smirked McAllister.
Sharpe pulled over outside an abandoned warehouse.
"This is it," she said.
Webb led Kane to the warehouse entrance. He opened the roll-a-door to reveal a cosy room with a fireplace and some comfortable old armchairs. A bald man stood before the fire wearing a long leather coat. He turned as Kane entered.
"Guv," said Kane.
"Er, don't call me that here, Brandon. Sorry, I mean Kano." DCI Meadows cleared his throat and resumed his theatrics. "As you no doubt have guessed, I am Meadpheus."
"You what?"
"Meadpheus. The bloke you've been looking for all these years."
"Oh. Wow, guv. It's an honour."
"No, Kano. The honour's all mine. I've been looking for you my whole life."
"Steady on, guv."
"No, I'm serious. You are The One, Kano."
There was a crack of thunder. Kane cleared his throat.
"Is this some kind of wind up?"
"No. Have a seat." They sat in the armchairs. "I know it must be hard for you to accept. But don't forget, you're here for a reason. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain. But you feel it - you've felt it your entire life. That there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is but it's there, like a splinter in your mind driving you mad. It's this feeling that brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?"
Kane gulped. "The Subtext?"
Another crack of thunder.
Meadpheus nodded. "That's right. The Subtext is everywhere. It's all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on Corry Street. You can feel it when you go to work, in the CID office, in the locker rooms, when you're on obbo, or at the pub at the end of the day. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth."
"What truth?"
"That you are a fag, Kano. But like everyone else you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind. A prison that restricts your whole sexuality to the occasional glance or double entendre. The prison that makes the few openly gay men monotonously heart broken or in denial and forces lesbians to be chic eye candy for perving straight boys."
Kano looked dubiously at Meadpheus. Meadpheus continued.
"Look, I know you don't believe me. Unfortunately, no one can be told what The Subtext is: you have to see it for yourself."
"Okay."
"This is your last chance. After this there's no turning back. Do you understand?"
"Yes, guv."
"Right."
Meadpheus held out two pills, one red and one blue.
"If you take the blue pill, the story ends, and you'll wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. If you take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."
Kano took the red pill. He started to feel a bit funny in the head.
"What is it, guv? Are you feeding me class A drugs?"
"Worse than that, Kano. It's my own cocktail of ecstasy, LSD, sodium pentothal and more. Enjoy the ride."
The world swirled around Kano and he saw his whole life flash before him. That boy at school who showed him his willie in the first grade. Watching Ernie and Bert on Sesame Street, intrigued by their shared bed. His first awkward kiss with a girl. And then his marriage, night after night of pretending, trying to enjoy it, but knowing it was wrong. His envy at his wife after they split up, envy over her happiness with another woman. And the night he spent with Cathy Bradford, trying to prove... what? Then men, men everywhere, policemen, villains, the cute boy at the greengrocers, that bloke that sold him his leather jacket, and all those endless nameless faces from Canley Fields... Kano knew that Meadpheus was right.
"Welcome to the real world," he heard Meadpheus say when the swirling pictures faded.
Kano looked around him. He was still in his armchair at the warehouse. But there was an open door to one side that he hadn't noticed before.
"What is this place, guv?"
"We call it Bent Headquarters. See for yourself."
Meadpheus led Kano through the open door and into a huge but comfy room. It contained a little kitchenette, a big wooden table with chairs and a few beanbags strewn around the place. Off to one side were a couple of secluded rooms with what looked like extremely large beds in them. One of these rooms was marked 'Geezers' and the other 'Birds'. In the far corner of the large room was a workstation, including a bank of little TV screens, a ham radio and a dodgy old computer. There was a sign on top of the computer monitor that labelled it 'The Scriptwriter'. Gemma Osbourne was sitting at the computer, typing.
"This is where we work and live," explained Meadpheus. "That workstation's where we monitor what's going on out there and try to hack into The Subtext where we can. It's magic really. We just write it and it happens. But we have to do it discreetly so they don't notice before we're ready and tip off their Scriptwriter."
"They?"
"The Powers That Be. And their lackey, Hunter. You've encountered him already I hear. They've got it in for us and for our aims. So we have to be careful."
Kano looked around him. The room was full of familiar faces, all of whom turned to come and greet him, except for Osbourne, who continued her work.
"I think you know everybody, though perhaps by different names," said Meadpheus. "You know Mickity of course."
Kano tittered. "Mickity?"
"Yeah, whatever," said Mickity, blushing.
"Catheter obviously you know intimately."
Kano nodded at Catheter, having been reminded all too explicitly of their night of intimacy by the red pill trip. Catheter gave him the once over with a resigned look, as if biting her tongue.
"Aplonk of course drove you here in the van," said Meadpheus. Kano smirked.
"Just don't say a word," said Aplonk levelly.
"This is Snitch."
"That's Sergeant Snitch to you, Kano," said Snitch, folding her arms.
"And those you didn't meet in the station van earlier, over there's Tonk - " Meadpheus said, pointing to Osbourne. "And this is her fellow scouser Dezzer."
"Mate," said Dezzer, offering a hand.
"And the skinny one behind you is Grease."
"Kano," said Grease, also extending his hand.
"Right, well I'll leave you to it then," said Meadpheus, going over to Tonk and taking her place at The Scriptwriter. Mickity took Kano to the kitchenette to make him a cuppa as the others wandered off on missions of their own.
"So how come you've all got such naff nicknames?" asked Kano, sipping his tea.
"Oh, it's Meadows, innit? Sorry, Meadpheus," said Mickity, rolling his eyes. "He's been watching a bit too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer and got it into his head that we all have to have stupid names to work better as a team. He thought them up for us. Brilliant mind that he is."
"I see."
"Yeah, well, do yourself a favour and humour him, he's got a thing about it."
"All right."
"So how'd you like the red pill?"
"Not bad, yeah. Did you take it too?"
"Yeah. While back now. But it was Meadpheus who freed my mind too."
"Do you mind if I have a look around, Mickey? Just to orient myself, you know, get a feel for the place."
"Yeah, course, go for your life."
Kano wandered about the large room, looking everything over. He poked his head in the bedroom marked 'Geezers' and was shocked to see Dezzer and Grease hard at it on a bed that took up most of the room.
"That don't leave much to the imagination," he mumbled, turning to leave discreetly.
"Here, wait up, mate," Dezzer called after him, stopping what he was doing to Grease's leg and jumping off the bed starkers. "That's the whole point, innit? No subtext here, mate. All main text. Am I right, Greasybabe?"
"Yeah, that's right Dezzer, yeah," said Grease, luxuriating amidst much black satin.
"You can, ah, join us if you like," offered Dezzer, putting a firm hand on Kano's arm, intense eyes boring into him.
"No thanks, Dezzer. I'll let you get on."
Dezzer's eyes grazed over Kano's body. "Right. Another time, perhaps."
"Sure," smiled Kano, sneaking a peek at Dezzer's lower half as he turned away.
"Sorry about that, Greasybabe, where were we...?" came Dezzer's voice as Kano left the room.
Kano walked on, coming to the entrance of the bedroom marked 'Birds'. He briefly caught a glimpse of Tonk having some very adventurous fun with Aplonk and Snitch. He blushed and moved on without another glance.
"Kano," Meadpheus called to him from the workstation. "You ready to do some training? And where's Tonk got to?"
Kano went over to the workstation and a half dressed Tonk soon came running out too.
"Now Tonk here is going to load a scenario that we prepared earlier. It's just to give you a feel of how this thing works. It's going to feel a bit weird, but just go with it, okay?"
Kano nodded.
"You'll have to wear this to stay in touch with us," said Tonk, handing him a tiny earpiece. "We'll be watching you on CCTV, so you can communicate with us that way. But it's just in case anything goes wrong."
"What could go wrong?" asked Kano with a wry grin.
"You don't want to get stuck in any really nasty scenarios. If I load you into a dangerously hetty scene so that you can subvert it and Hunter gets wind of it, their Scriptwriter could make you do all kinds of horrible straight things. Or worse, they could write you out of existence."
"Nice."
"Yeah. But if Meadpheus is right, and you're The One... It's a very exciting time."
She smiled at Meadpheus, who smiled back in a fatherly sort of way.
"Okay," said Meadpheus. "Let's go."
In an instant Kano and Meadpheus found themselves patrolling Sun Hill, down near the railway lines. Kano giggled to see that they were both wearing the old woodentop hats and uniforms.
"You see how easy it is?" said Meadpheus proudly.
Crowds of business people in black suits began to encroach on them from all sides, and Kano and Meadpheus had to push to get through them.
"So why don't you just write a script that says everybody's queer and be done with it?" asked Kano. "Surely even Hunter can't fight against something that huge?"
"No, it's not as simple as that. If we write something too unfamiliar too fast, nobody would accept it. Believe it or not, most people don't suddenly wake up one day and decide they're gay. Unless we can make direct contact and free their minds as we did yours, it's not going to work. But on the other hand, if we're too slow and subtle Hunter will notice it and The Powers That Be will change it right back, may even anticipate our next move. So what we really need is someone to take out Hunter. He's their eyes and ears. I think that someone could be you, Kano."
Kano's hair ruffled as a train roared past them, and he caught a brilliant flash of red out of the corner of his eye. He turned to look, and his eyes lighted on a very spunky man in a red taffeta dress walking between them and the train track.
"Are you listening to me, Kano? Or are you looking at the bloke in the red dress?"
Kano swung round to look at him. "No, guv, I'm listening."
"Look again."
Kano turned back and Hunter was standing by the railroad tracks, sunglasses and all.
"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo," said Hunter, chewing gum and smiling, sunglasses flashing in the daylight. Meadpheus made a throat cutting gesture with his finger and in a second they were back in the warehouse. Some time had passed while they were patrolling - it was now first light and the crew sans a yawning Tonk were all sitting around the table eating breakfast.
"You've got to pay more attention, Kano. Hunter could be anywhere, anytime."
Kano nodded. "Guv."
"You might as well know. I think you are the one to bring him down. No, scratch that. I know you are the one to bring him down. You're The One, Kano."
"How'd you figure that?" said Kano doubtfully.
"Well, look in the mirror, Kano. Who could resist that?"
Meadpheus wandered off to the breakfast table. Kano looked at himself in the mirrored wall for a moment and pondered. He shrugged: all he noticed was that he needed a shave and his nose was bruised. His belly growled. He couldn't remember the last time he ate solid food - it must have been two days ago.
Following Meadpheus to the table, he sat down to a breakfast of larded up bacon and slightly congealed eggs. He poked at them gingerly.
"Sergeant Snitch's turn to cook," explained Dezzer.
"Now hang on, I happen to be a very good cook, thank you very much," whined Snitch. "Aplonk, defend my honour."
"Oh yeah," said Aplonk dryly. "Cooks up a lovely bowl of cornflakes, this one."
"Well I've never heard you complaining before," said Snitch, feelings hurt.
"That's probably because breakfast usually comes right after bed," fluttered Aplonk, glancing conspiratorially at Dezzer, and drawing a pleased pout from Snitch that ended the argument.
Kano forked some rubbery egg into his mouth. He didn't touch the bacon, reminding the slightly put out Snitch that he was a vegetarian. Presently he felt a finger tap him on the shoulder, and turned to see Grease smiling at him from the next seat.
"I believe you've just finished the training scenario, Kano."
"That's right."
"What did you think of her, then?" asked Grease eagerly.
"Here it comes," muttered Aplonk, nudging Snitch in the ribs.
"Who?" asked Kano.
"The train, with the red carriages. I designed her myself. Mind you, I stole whole chunks from J.K.Rowling's specifications for the Hogwarts Express. I can arrange a private scenic tour if you'd like, through any of the major railway routes of Europe or Asia. I've got the scenarios all mapped out. That is, if you're interested of course."
"Literary travel agent, hard at work," sneered Snitch.
Kano smiled good humouredly. "Another time, Reg."
Grease raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, well, just ask. Don't be shy."
---
"All right, team," said Meadpheus when they'd finished eating. "We've been up all night. Time to get some kip. You right to obbo the CCTV, Catheter?"
"Fine, guv. You all get some rest."
"OK."
All but Catheter moved towards the bedrooms. Tonk, Aplonk and Snitch said their goodnights and retired to the Birds room. Kano had a bad feeling about this.
"Um... are we all sleeping in the same room?"
"Of course," said Meadpheus. "There's plenty of room on the bed for all of us."
"Cosier this way," confided Mickity as they entered the Geezers room.
The other blokes all stripped to nothing and got into the enormous bed. Dezzer and Grease cuddled up together and Meadpheus was squeezed between them and Mickity. Kano hesitated. Mickity patted the bed.
"Come on. I'll look after you."
Kano took off most of his clothes and lay down on the edge of the bed. It had been a very strange couple of days, he thought, lying there trying not to move or breathe loudly. He was glad when he heard Dezzer and Meadpheus start snoring almost straight away. Mickity seemed to be asleep too, as he rolled over and threw a lazy arm around Kano's chest. Exhausted, Kano eventually let himself drift off to sleep.
-------------------
Hunter rolled over, satisfied, and lit a cigarette. His sunglasses had fallen off and rolled under the sheets somewhere during the meeting.
"Do we have a deal, PC Bradford?" he said sleazily.
"You know," began Catheter, working a hand down Hunter's body beneath the covers. "I know deep down I'm queer as ninepence like everybody else. I know when I touch you like this - " She shifted her hand and Hunter sighed. " - that I'm just conforming to societal expectations and fulfilling my socially constructed role as the female of the species. But after three weeks in that place with those deviants, you know what I realise? Conformity is bliss."
"So we have a deal?"
"I never want to do it again. Never. Life's hard enough without being bent as well."
"Whatever you want," said Hunter, kissing her forehead. He was disturbed briefly by how much she looked like him - give her a haircut and they'd be twins.
"I'll get you what you want," she said, climbing on top of him.
-------------------
When Kano woke he was alone in the big bed. He heard the sound of gentle rapping on the door. Mickity entered, bearing a tray of food that looked to be only a slight improvement on the bacon and eggs.
"For all his big mouth, Dezzer's not much better than Snitch at cooking."
"Cheers, Mickey."
Mickity smiled and left him to eat. But before he'd taken a mouthful, Catheter was at the door.
"You never gave me a chance to bring you breakfast in bed," she said.
Kano looked at her, puzzled. She batted her eyelashes at him, then seemed to think better of it, and quickly slunk away again.
Kano ate some of the unappealing food, but was again interrupted by another visitor, Meadpheus.
"When you're done eating," said Meadpheus, "I want you to get dressed. We're going to see the Oragold. The one who foretold of your coming, and how you'd save us all."
"Why are we going to see her?"
"She'll tell you what you need to know. She's very old. She's been round the block more than once, Kano, and knows everything."
"Okay, guv," said Kano, shrugging.
---
"Saddle up, folks," said Tonk as the crew crowded around The Scriptwriter. "It's time to make herstory."
She began to type, and suddenly Kano, Meadpheus, Mickity, Catheter, Aplonk, Snitch and Grease were standing outside the nick in their best leather jackets. Why they couldn't have caught the bus, Kano didn't know. Meadpheus opened the door for them and they walked into the station.
FDO Cryer accosted them as they tried to enter through the security doors.
"Hi," she said at length. "Where've you all been? We've been worried about you."
"Don't worry about us, Robbie," said Mickity as she buzzed them in. "I'll tell you later, right?"
They strolled purposefully along corridors, Meadpheus leading the way, and stopped at an office marked 'Inspector'. Meadpheus opened the door. Like a TARDIS, the office was much larger on the inside than the out. The ante room looked just like Inspector Gold's office, but a corridor Kano had never noticed before led mysteriously away to somewhere else.
"I can only open the door, Kano. It is you who must walk through it."
Kano stepped inside the office and Meadpheus followed. The others went elsewhere in the building, presumably pretending to be at work.
After a little wait, Acting DI Nixon approached Kano and Meadpheus from down the mysterious corridor.
"Make yourself at home, Meadpheus," said Nixon. "Kano. Sorry about yelling at you yesterday. That was a glitch in The Subtext."
"No problem, guv."
"Come with me."
Nixon led Kano down the corridor into a large room lined only with a copious number of pillows. There were many people lying all over the pillows, in same sex couples, all shagging furiously.
"These are the other potentials. You can wait here," said Nixon, leaving Kano to it.
Kano searched the writhing crowd for a familiar face, and spotted Danny Glaze doing something appalling to Duncan Lennox with a spoon. The spoon disappeared from view. Lennox cried out in agony or ecstasy, Kano wasn't sure which.
"Don't worry, Dunc," said Glaze, fishing around apologetically for the spoon. "Just remember, it's not the spoon that bends, it's only your mind. There is no spoon."
"There bloody is a spoon, you pillock," shouted Lennox, howling some more.
"The Oragold will see you now," said Nixon, appearing suddenly at Kano's ear.
Nixon led Kano into a sort of kitchen. There was a sink there and a stove that looked unused. The only produce Kano could see around the place consisted entirely of whiskey and cigars. The Oragold was there, her back to him, pouring a couple of glasses and smoking.
"With you in a minute," she croaked. She screwed the lid back on the bottle and handed him a glass. "Yes," she said, looking him over. "I can see why he likes you."
"Who?"
"Only one in the nick with a degree, and still no idea. Never mind. No surprises there, I spose. Come on. Drink up."
Kano sipped his whiskey.
"Look," he said. "You're going to think I'm a complete plonker for saying this, but I haven't the first clue what I'm doing here."
The Oragold looked at him mournfully. "No, you don't do you. Poor sod." She tapped him gently on the cheek with her fingers. "Doesn't matter, Brandon. You're cute. But you're not The One."
Kano laughed. "Well Meadows seemed to have a strong idea that I was."
"Yes." The Oragold drew long on her cigar. "Poor Meadpheus. Where would we all be without him at the helm?"
She looked at Kano pointedly, and he sipped his drink.
"Give us a drag on that, would you?" he said, taking her cigar from her and sucking on it.
"You know Meadpheus has been a mainstay against The Subtext for years, Kano. Every step of the way, slowly but steadily, he's been fighting it. But The Powers That Be have followed his every move, and he's tired. He's slipped up now and then, and if you let him he'll slip up more. There'll come a time when you'll to have to choose, him or you. One of you will end up married again. To a woman, I mean."
Kano handed back the cigar and let out a long sigh.
"Sorry to tell you like that, Brandon. You make a great poof. But the choice is up to you." She smiled. "Drink your nice whiskey, there's a good boy. Cures all ills."
He drank.
"Go on, then. Shoo," said the Oragold, with a wave of the hand, and Kano left.
"What was said was for your ears only," said Meadpheus as they walked out of the Inspector's office. "Let's see if we can round up the troops then."
They rounded a corner and slammed bang into Hunter. He tidied his sunglasses and straightened his jacket.
"That was your last mistake, guv," he spat, and walked off at pace.
"Oh no," said Meadpheus. He made the throat cutting gesture again, looking around wildly for a CCTV camera. "There's one in the lobby," he said, taking Kano by the hand and jogging to the station entrance.
---
Hunter burst into CAD, where Grease was pretending to work alongside PC Young and Sergeant Ackland. Grease heard Tonk's voice in his earpiece telling him to get out, and he made a run for the door.
"Uh-uh," said Hunter, shaking a finger at him. Hunter looked first at Young and then at Ackland, and the two women got out of their seats, put aside their headphones and came towards Grease, hips rolling seductively.
"Nooooo!" screamed Grease. But it was too late. Hunter looked on as the women ripped off Grease's clothes and took him on the floor.
---
"We're too late!" shouted Meadpheus as they reached the station lobby. "Go, Kano. Save yourself."
Mickity, Snitch and Aplonk came racing down the stairs from CID.
"Go on, all of you," ordered Meadpheus. "Get Kano out. He's the only thing that matters now."
"Come on," said Mickity, grabbing Kano's arm and running out of the station with him.
"Where's Catheter?" asked Aplonk as they ran down the road in the direction of the warehouse. "And why hasn't Tonk written us out of this scene?"
"There's a CCTV on the corner," observed Snitch. "Maybe she can't see us." They ran towards the CCTV camera with all their strength.
---
Catheter had appeared back at the warehouse long before.
"What are you doing here?" said Dezzer as Catheter heaved herself under the roll-a-door.
"It was Hunter," she panted, running towards The Scriptwriter. "I've got to get them out."
She shoved Tonk aside and took her place at the keyboard. As her fingers whirred over the keys, Dezzer and Tonk felt a power beyond their control grip their bodies.
"No," said Tonk with dread.
"No way," echoed Dezzer. "I got over that ages ago."
But there was nothing they could do about it. They embraced with passion and snogged ferociously, and began to remove their clothes hurriedly.
"Catheter, you blert," yelled Dezzer as he rolled about on the floor with the naked Tonk.
---
Mickity danced about in front of the CCTV, waving his arms wildly.
"What's your problem, Tonk? Get us out of here!"
"Hello, Mickity."
It was Catheter's voice. They all heard it in their earpieces.
"You know, you're not half bad naked," drawled Catheter. "I reckon I could do you..."
"Something's not right," said Aplonk. "Something's very not right."
Mickity had a sudden realisation. "She got Tonk and Dezzer. And gave Meadpheus to Hunter."
Catheter continued. "...But those two diesels really have to go."
As Kano, Mickity and Snitch looked on, Aplonk disappeared before their eyes. Snitch cried out and grabbed at the air where she had been.
Aplonk found herself in the house she shared with her gay husband Paul and the kids. She was in bed with Paul, and they were shagging for the first time in four years.
"Oh, bloody hell," shouted Aplonk to the ceiling. "We're not straight! Do you hear me, Catheter!" She looked at Paul, who also seemed to have panic in his eyes. "Fuck!" she shouted, to no avail.
Catheter's reign of terror continued. "If there's anything you need to say to Snitch, Mickity, I suggest you do it now," she said ominously.
"Not like this," said Snitch, and like Aplonk, she disappeared from the street.
Snitch found herself in bed with some bloke.
"Who are you when you're at home?" she said to him as he embraced her.
"I'm your cousin," said the bloke. "Don't you remember?"
"Oh, please," muttered Snitch, slapping him uselessly.
"Now the big test," continued Catheter. "If Meadpheus is right I won't be able to convert Kano. I won't be able to write myself into bed with him ever again. There'd have to be some kind of miracle to stop me."
Kano looked Mickity in the eye and opened his mouth as if to speak, but no words came. He waited for the moment he too would disappear from the street. Mickity returned his gaze, eyes wild with fear.
"What?" said the voice of Catheter, followed by a crackle and then the signal went dead.
---
After grappling for a while with Dezzer, Tonk had mustered up all the willpower she could manage.
"Let's roll over that way," she whispered to Dezzer, and together they rolled towards Catheter, still hungrily clawing at each other. "Now you just kiss my foot or something while I do this."
She got to her feet but Dezzer was unable to stop himself from licking her leg all over.
"Sorry, mate," whispered Dezzer. "I s'pose I was straight a lot longer than you. I can't resist it."
Climbing out of his grasp as best she could, Tonk lunged at Catheter and gripped her around the chest with one hand, while typing 'dezzer is bent' with the other. Dezzer immediately let go of her leg and jumped onto the computer to change the rest of the story.
"Sorry darlin'," said Tonk to Catheter. "But believe me when I say this hurts me more than it hurts you."
She spun Catheter around and caught her in a passionate kiss. Catheter went limp in her arms. All her attempts to conform were swept away, with one snog from the delightful Ms Tonk. She was beaten. She was bent, she knew that now.
"Mickity, Kano," said Dezzer into the ham radio. "I'm getting you out."
Dezzer bashed at the keys in clumsy two finger typing and eventually Mickity and Kano appeared back at Bent Headquarters.
"They've got Meadpheus," said Kano.
"I know that," replied Dezzer.
"You alright?" asked Mickity, checking Dezzer for injuries.
"Just me pride hurt."
Kano looked over at Tonk and Catheter. Catheter was trying to kiss Tonk's ear. Tonk was leaning away and saying "Get off me" a lot.
-------------------
"Have you ever really thought about it?" said Hunter to Meadpheus, who sat tied to a chair in the DCI's office, his own office. "How clever it is, how very ingenious? You know at first, The Powers That Be just made everything totally straight. No innuendo, no macho flirtation, no ambiguous girls nights out, nothing. But no one would accept it, it weren't real enough. Then they thought up The Subtext. Just enough of a tease to keep everyone interested. But not enough to let you little scrotes get your filthy paws on each other. Brilliant."
Hunter opened the door and a stream of women came in - every woman he had ever slept with, and every woman Meadows had ever slept with, and then some. Snitch was among them, casting very dirty looks at Hunter but powerless to stop herself. The women danced around Meadpheus, caressing him, kissing him, touching him all over. "What about Laura, Mr Meadows - you remember her? And Helen Freely? And all those others? And let's not forget DS McAllister. You are straight, guv. Straight as a die. I'm not going to let all those noncy urges of yours come out any stronger. You and your little band of queers are all going down, and not on each other."
The women had left the door open, and the CCTV camera in the corridor could now see into the room. Kano and the others were watching every horrifying moment.
"He's trying to get Meadpheus to tell him the access codes to our Scriptwriter so he can wipe our hard drive," said Tonk despairingly.
"We can't leave him in there!" exclaimed Kano.
"We're too late," said Mickity with resignation. "He's finished. Don't worry about him. You're what matters, Kano. He sacrificed himself for you, for us."
"No. You don't understand. The Oragold told me this would happen. I don't matter at all, I'm nothing. Meadpheus has been leading this fight against The Subtext for years, Mickity. He's too important. I have to get him out before they destroy him."
"But you're The One, Kano."
"No, I'm not, Mickey."
"But you must be."
"I'm sorry, I'm not. I'm just another bloke who wants to be with other blokes. It's not enough to sacrifice Meadpheus for."
Mickity saw that he was serious.
"Right, well I'm coming with you."
"You stay here."
"No, look, trainee detective constable. All of us here have been in the job a lot longer than you, so you better do as we say."
"Yeah. That's right," said Dezzer.
Tonk and Catheter nodded. Tonk got up to relieve the struggling Dezzer of his typing duties.
"What do you need?" she asked Kano.
"Leather. Lots of leather," replied Kano with a grin.
"You have to get him away from Hunter," said Tonk, typing. "Then we can write him back here."
"Okay. Let's do it."
---
Kano and Mickity strolled into the nick, draped from head to toe in the finest leather jackets, caps, chest harnesses, jock straps, chaps and boots. Their buttocks protruded neatly out the back of their chaps, barely visible beneath the bottom of their jackets. They marched straight up to the DCI's office and stood in the doorway.
"Meadpheus," ordered Kano. "Turn around."
Meadpheus could barely do anything, surrounded by a sea of gorgeous women.
"Meadpheus, come on," pleaded Mickity. "We've been through too much together for you to go straight on me."
"Nice try," said Hunter.
But Meadpheus knew the voices, and slowly but surely turned his head. He saw the vision of the beautiful Kano and the lovely Mickity in the doorway. He broke his bonds, and pushed through the women into Mickity's arms.
"Get him out," ordered Kano. "I'll handle Hunter."
Mickity looked worried. "You sure?"
Kano kissed him on the lips. "Never moreso. Go."
Mickity smiled, and dragged the groggy Meadpheus down the stairs to freedom.
"Try me," sneered Hunter. The women who had tempted Meadpheus now turned towards Kano. Then more women came from all quarters of the nick, filling up the second floor corridors and offices, all beckoning to Kano.
"You're all lesbians!" screamed Kano at the women, but it was no good. Hunter's Scriptwriter was too powerful. Kano tried to push through the crowd towards Hunter, but the women dragged him down onto the floor.
Back at the warehouse, Mickity watched with horror. He grabbed the mike of the ham radio.
"Get up, Kano, get up!" he begged. "Kano, you can't be straight. You just can't be. For god's sake, even your ex-wife's bent. But the point is, the Oragold told me I'd meet someone. Someone I'd really really want to shag. And it's you, Kano. So you can't be straight. Cos I cream my jeans just looking at you. You're The One, Kano. You're The One." He quietened his voice. "Only don't tell Meadpheus cos he'll go all jealous on me."
Struggling against the huge weight of so many women clambering over him, Kano slowly pushed himself up with all his might. Once he was on his feet, he felt an unfamiliar strength fill his body. He walked easily past first one woman, then another, and another, and past all of them, to Hunter. Hunter backed up against a wall.
"You know you can't resist me," said Kano. "No one can."
"No," said Hunter, suddenly fearful. "You've got it all wrong, mate."
But Kano pushed on. When he got to Hunter it all seemed so easy, suddenly. He kissed Hunter on the cheek. It was enough.
"Nooo!" screamed Hunter, and disappeared with a puff of pink glitter. All the women in CID suddenly stopped what they were doing and began to file out, many swearing profusely and making gagging gestures. The only exception was Snitch, who made her way over to Kano.
"Come on, soldier," she said. "We've got a lot to do."
Arms around each other in a purely platonic, friendly, solidarity kind of way, Snitch and Kano walked out to the CCTV camera and waved at it. It only took a few strokes of the keyboard from Tonk, and they were back at Bent Headquarters. Snitch spotted Aplonk, who it seemed Tonk had recently rescued, and she ran into her arms. Dezzer was consoling a very distressed Grease in a beanbag. Catheter was giving Tonk a shoulder massage and whispering sweet nothings about repetitive strain injury. Meadpheus and Mickity stood arm in arm by The Scriptwriter.
"Well," said Meadpheus. "The Oragold will be pleased."
He watched as Mickity's eyes fixed on Kano's, and Kano's on Mickity's. He smiled.
"So perhaps I should go tell her. Tonk, load me up, would you."
Tonk typed it and Meadpheus was gone.
Kano gazed at Mickity and Mickity gazed back at him. Then Mickity took him by the hand and led him to the Geezers room. Kano followed gratefully, smiling.
-------------------
Kano typed his words into The Scriptwriter. It was a message to The Powers That Be.
I know you're out there, he typed. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to load these filthy scripts that we wrote onto The Scriptwriter and show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without enforced family values, without heterosexism or homophobia, a world where women like June Ackland and men like Jim Carver aren't attracted to each other, a world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
"That'll learn 'em," said Mickity, leaning over his shoulder and kissing his cheek.
---
The End.
Disclaimer/Credits: Some of the dialogue (and plot!) in this story was based directly on 'The Matrix', which belongs to the Wachowski Brothers and Warner Bros. I hope that it is clear that I intend no infringement of copyright at all, since I openly acknowledge that the story is a parody of The Matrix. The bits of the story that are not from The Matrix are from The Bill, which belongs to Thames Television. Again I intend no infrigement of copyright.