Title: Lucky Charm

Author: Lilith1631

Beta: mytailorisrich

Rating: PG (for Harry's potty mouth and for gross imagery)

Warnings: Gross pairings implied that may traumatise, excessive egocentricity

Characters: Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle Senior

Summary: Why we won the war… (Humour) complete crack!fic people!

xxx

"I am the most valuable member of this order," said Draco, he nodded earnestly, "Maybe even more important than you."

Harry looked at him incredulously. "What do you think you contribute to this Order to make you so important?"

"Why, I provide the sex appeal."

Blink. "Excuse me?"

"You can only win a war on sex appeal," stated Draco. He was speaking complete bollocks and somehow managing to nod with wisdom at the same time. "If you didn't have me then you would surely lose."

"How do you figure?" Harry wished he hadn't asked because the mental imagery that was implied in the next few sentences had him cringing in disgust.

"Look at Voldemort. When I was with him, then he was winning. I've joined this side and now you lot are winning. Clearly, there needs to be a bit more hot arse among the death eater ranks or they just don't become motivated enough…"

Harry opened his mouth to say something, and Draco watched him hawkishly for his response. "What a load of bollocks."

The look in expression on Draco's face suddenly turned very predatory and frightening. Harry fumbled around in his trouser pocket for his wand but his finger tips never managed to touch the handle.

xxx

Tied to his bed in the house he had inherited from Sirius while getting his nipples bitten by an evil, manipulative blonde. It felt like he was somehow dishonouring the dead. Sirius certainly would not have approved of this. "ARGH! Watch it! I'd like them still attached."

Another hard bite on the nub that had Harry recoiling in away from sharp, perfectly straight white teeth - not that Harry had noticed before or anything. "Ever seen the album 'When Wizards Hex Hard'?" asked Draco lightly, sliding his tongue over every ticklish rib in his reach.

"N-ha! Stop. No, I hav - haven't."

xxx

"Forgive me master!" cried Lucius, bowing down to kiss the hem of the Dark Lord's robes. Voldemort kicked his foot out in disgust and the blonde haired follower shrunk back.

"You disgust me. Can't even get a simple potion right. I knew I should have had Snape make it."

"Honestly, my Lord, I know how to make de-aging potions. I don't know why it went back this far though," Lucius hoped to god he would be given a second chance.

"I am giving you a second chance," said Voldemort. Lucius sighed in relief. "Meanwhile. Until you are back to your normal, almost sexy self, you will spend the remainder of the day in the dungeons. Take him away."

"My Lord!" cried Lucius, struggling against Crabbe and Goyle Senior.

"Acne does not make sex appeal, Lucius," scolded the Dark Lord, watching the elder Malfoy kick and scream in a parody of his son's actions earlier in the year when the young Draco was being dragged towards his private rooms. "...can't possible take over the world until we get that Draco boy back," muttered Voldemort, shaking his head in desperation.

xxx

"…And that is why I am the biggest contribution to this war." finished Draco, collapsing against the mattress with a grin. Harry didn't have the heart to disagree...Not that he could.

Fin

Author Note: Sorry if I traumatised anyone with the Dark Lord's sexuality! Leave a review please!