With the dawning of another school day for the kids of PS118, Helga Pataki stood staring into a mirror in her locker, straightening the pink bow atop her head. She smiled at her reflection, feeling unusually pleased with herself. In her mind she began to fondly fantasize about her personal muse.
Oh Arnold, Fortuna has smiled upon us and has intertwined our once diverging paths, setting us forward on a path toward eventual marital bliss. Premature is it of me to presume such a fate? Nay I say to you oh doubt, for I have seen the future when I look into your illustrious green eyes, and that future is Arnold and-
"Helga?" an unwanted voice snapped her out of her blissful little world.
As she slammed her locker shut, Helga beheld the face of Rhonda Wellington Lloyd, school fashionista, gossip queen and constant thorn in her side.
"I've been calling your name forever here, but you've been completely lost in space." Rhonda said, "Anyway, here, this is for you."
She handed Helga a small fancy looking envelope, who simply stared at it unimpressed.
"Did the bathroom run out of toilet paper?" Helga asked, "What's this?"
Rhonda grumbled in disgust, "It's an invitation to my very exclusive couples ball, Helga. I thought you might like to come."
Helga looked at Rhonda with a cocked eyebrow. She and Rhonda weren't exactly on easy terms most of the time and wondered what her angle was. More concerning was her choice of words.
"What's all this couples business?" Helga asked, "I gotta bring a date or something?"
"That's right." Rhonda said, "So if there's some special boy you'd like to ask, you're more than welcome to attend."
The sparkle in Rhonda's eye was slightly unnerving. Helga had kept her budding relationship with Arnold more or less a secret from everyone in school, save for a select privvy few. Rhonda was not among those people, and for good reason. She wasn't dubbed the school gossip queen for her discreteness.
"Thanks, I'll pass." Helga said, "This chick is out for herself. No man's ever gonna claim this wild heart."
Rhonda didn't look convinced, but nonetheless turned her nose upward and said, "Fine. Ingrate." And she turned on her heel and strutted away to hand out other invites.
"That was close," Helga said, "Helga you are one master of tact."
Some time later, Arnold walked alongside Helga down the halls between classes. In his hand he held a card Rhonda had slipped him earlier which he was just now reading.
"Looks like Rhonda's throwing another party." Arnold said, looking at the card.
"Looks like I never cared about those before, and wonder why I should be bothered to care now." Helga responded curtly, snapping her gum.
"But look," Arnold held up his invitation, "It's a couples only party. Everyone gets to bring a date."
Helga glared at him. "I'm busy that night." she said.
"You don't even know what night it is." Arnold said.
"I'm fully committed this week." she said.
"It's next week." Arnold corrected.
"Fine. I just don't wanna." Helga crossed her arms and looked away.
"Well… why not?" Arnold asked.
"You're not dumb, Arnoldo," she snorted, "Despite all evidence to the contrary."
"Ha, ha," Arnold rolled his eyes, "You're really still embarrassed by us?"
"Not embarrassed." she said, "Just don't want everyone to be jealous. Not their business. What they don't know can't hurt you."
The two of them ducked around a corner as Arnold made sure the coast was clear. No eyewitnesses in sight.
"Besides, isn't it far more romantic having to be all secretive about it, my love?" she asked.
"Come on, Helga." Arnold urged, taking her hand, "Why not just be open? I'm… I'm proud to be with you."
"Proud?" Helga said in a wobbly voice as her eyes became huge. She let loose one of her customary swooning noises.
Arnold inclined his head and closed his eyes. Helga in return closed her eyes and puckered up. Standing up on his toes Arnold tried to reach her lips but felt nothing in return. He opened one eye and saw Helga looking down at him but not lowering her head to his level. Suddenly she burst out laughing at his inability to reach her.
"Very funny, Helga." Arnold groaned.
"It really is… don't worry, short man, your first growth spurt is probably just around the corner." she laughed, "You might make it up to my level by the time we're twenty. See ya in the funny papers, bucko."
With that she spun around and headed off to join Phoebe and the other girls, leaving Arnold staring after her with a half-lidid scowl.
"This is the girl I've chosen to love…" he muttered to himself.
To his right appeared his friend Gerald who placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I think she chose you, buddy." Gerald said.
"I'm just tired of all the sneaking around," Arnold shook his head. "She still wants this all to be a big secret after all this time. And I wish she'd at least stop lording her height over me all the time."
"You're dating Helga G. Pataki." Gerald pointed out, "You were courting that kind of abuse the moment you two became a thing."
"Yeah, well," Arnold said, "Maybe we won't be much longer. I'm not sure how much more of this is worth it. I really thought after the whole jungle incident she'd have changed a little. Now she's just so unpredictable. One minute she'll be really nice, and the next it's like she's back to her old charming self. Between her split personality and all this secrecy, it's just stressing me out."
"Mm, mm, mm, well we can't have a stressed out Arnold. The school would fall. C'mon, let's get your mind off love for a while." Gerald said sympathetically as the two of them headed off for their homes. From behind a nearby garbage can, Helga who secretly hadn't left at all poked her head out and scowled.
"Hmm, Arnold." she grumbled, "Has the privilege to be the object of my affections and still has the nerve to complain about it. What an ingrate, and yet… how can he not be? Oh Arnold, you poor gentle soul, intertwined with a sadistic freak who still enjoys seeing you in pain as much as seeing you happy… he's so right. Why haven't I turned over a new leaf in all this time? Must I forever be this hot mess who would rather doom herself to a life of loneliness, than just brave a few moments of affection at the risk of ridicule from people who don't even matter? Even now that he's seen through the guise, still I treat him like slime. Oh Arnold, what did I ever do to deserve your love? Aside from, you know, saving your parents and all… that was pretty big of me."
Helga abruptly halted her monologue as she felt hot air blowing across the back of her neck, accompanied by an unnerving but all to familiar nasally sound.
"Uh… hi…" came the voice of her omnipresent stalker Brainy from behind her.
As was their custom, he had snuck up behind her in an intensely personal moment, and now received his usual reward for his trouble in the form of her fist sharply connected to his face.