The flames twist gently in front of my eyes. I can't understand the way they hit the top of the chimney and bend down. Than again go upwards making their way out of it at all. They don't seem to put much effort to it. It rather seems as if they were dancing, all at once, singing their shy song of affection. It's so easy for them to just escape this place. They just have to bend gently a few times and then they're gone forever. Never to appear on this world again.

But they're not afraid of it. Not like I am. I stare at the fire terrified. It's already dark and the flames hit and incredibly long shade of all the expensive furniture in the room. The wood chuckles.

Of all days, why has it to be today for the boss to call me over?

There always was a pattern for him. He always follows patterns. He only calls me once a month. No more, no less. Yet this is the second time he has called me over in a week.

Even when he does call me with his monthly pattern, he still follows it, when we actually start. At first he calls me over and when I come, he still isn't in the room. I don't have no idea, where he might be, nor what he's doing. So I sit in front of the flames and stare, for the fire is the only thing moving in this room. Enough interesting for me to gaze at. I wait like this, till he comes. When he enters, the door grinds in a shy fashion, as in an old movie. I hear his steps as he's coming towards me. The floor creaks. He stops i front of the armchair I am sitting on. It is than when I am supposed to get closer and unbutton his trousers. I should put my head between his legs and taste him, trying to swallow him. That is as it begins. There always is the pattern.

The door grinds. I feel a chill running quickly down my spine making me shiver. I try to stop the shivering and for once I succeed. The floor already creaks as he approaches the armchair I am sitting on. The sound suddenly disappears as he stands in front of me. I cannot see the flames anymore. Than I look upwards to see his face. He's freezing as always. He's eyes as still as a rock and the same cold. For once I want to ruin his pattern, his perfect plan of making myself his own. But when I look up to those eyes I find myself all under his control. Again. I look down as I start to unbuckle his belt and undo his trousers. I grab him with my hand and suck on him. I do it the best I can to give him pleasure. I look up to see him closing his eyes. His eyebrows smoothen as I continue. His greedy hands cling to my head as he wants more. He moves my head as he wishes. I gag, my mouth full of him. I want him to stop, but that would ruin the pattern we both follow so strictly.

We follow it, because we both fear of what would happen if we stopped. If we went another way a feeling might have been built. We fear the bond we created with those meaningless acts, could evolve into something deeper. That's why we always follow this stencil, never to show any new motion.

I keep on choking, but I don't stop. Not until he lets my head go off and gently combs my hair growling in a low motion. To me that is the sweetest song of affection he might come up with. I stop sucking on him and I get up. He holds me, his arms around my waist. I start unbuttoning his shirt kissing his torso lower and lower. As I get the shirt undone he rips my shirt apart. He never goes the way I do. He never kisses me. Neither does he unbuckle my garments. As he rips them, he grabs me as if I were an empty bag and throws me onto the bed. I don't mind. He gets also in the bed. He makes himself comfortable and starts to enjoy himself with me. His fingers searching for every detail in my body he already knows as his own. I don't get one kiss. Neither I can kiss him. The dead silence in the room hollows my ears. The only sounds now are my gasps and his silent growls. Soon he will say it. Of course, I know, because he follows the pattern.

'Turn around.' he says.

I clench my fists. I can't follow this stupid routine every time he wants it. I had enough of him fucking me intensely.

'No.' I answer, shattering into small pieces all the effort we've both put until now to follow the stencil.

He seems amazed. He gets lost for a second looking me in the eye with anger.

'I said turn around!' he yells desperately as he clings his nails in my stomach

'I said no' I say once again. I fear now. The mold has been broken and I don't have the clue, what should I do with this man in bed. Neither does he. But he always handles better any situation. I'm not surprised at that, even this time he calms down really quickly, while I can't stop shivering.

'Than get out.' he answers with a cold motion and lets go off me. He lays down next to me waiting. I don't react. My body won't move. It seems as if only my brain was able to stop the routine, yet my body still obeys it. It must be the point since my body desires him so much, yet my brain wants to run away as fast as possible. I can't fight my bodies will.

'No.' I say again.

He turns to my side and lifts his hand. Than he slaps me badly.

'I said get the fuck out!' he shouts and his voice fills all the room and so does his anger. My life is endangered right in this very second.

'I will not! I came here for another reason...!'

There. I said it. The real reason why I wanted to come tonight and why I agreed to all this more than once a month.

'I'm not interested in knowing it, trash! Get out of my sight!' he yells back as expected and than at the very moment he freezes as I pull out a gun and point it directly at him. This time he smirks. I don't.

'Go on. Do it.' he says smiling and making me puzzled

'You... don't want to know the reason?' I try to persuade him to a talk

'No. Just do it.' he grabs my hand with the pistol and stabs his body with it 'Go on, do it now, or get out.'

That must've been why he smirked at that time. He knew I'd have the problem to fire the gun, even if I actually will be aiming at him already.

'We got enough of your way, boss. Me, Bel and Lussuria. We are tired of your orders. There is nothing else we can do for you to be the ninth's successor.' I start mumbling in a low voice 'There is no reason for which we should listen to you anymore...'

'Than do it or get out.' he seems to be enjoying himself. He was the one to be surprised with the breaking of the pattern, and yet he's the one handling the situation better

I look him in the eyes and try to understand, why is he so stable. They're empty.

'I didn't come to assassinate you... I just came to tell you.' I lower my sight

'Too bad!' he laughs out 'That's treason! I should kill you for it! Yet you're to futile to pull the trigger. You're no hitman after all.' suddenly he turns all serious 'you're not even worthy laying here. Get the fuck out.'

These words hurt more than I expected. Once again I imagine what would we be doing if I didn't take the pistol out.

He would have hold me tight against the bed. My legs spread and him inside me. Going in and out fast and deep. I would have been gasping and yelling for more and he would give me more. He would have given me anything I desired. At least anything my body would desire.

I stab him with the gun even harder now. My teeth clenched till it hurts.

'I will shoot. Yet you have a last wish to make' I try to hold this scene as long as I could.

He smiles at me.

'You want to show me that you really have the guts badly, don'tcha?'

'You last wish, boss!' I scream as loud as I could. And my voice hits the walls, the same that when I scream out his name begging for more

He doesn't answer for a while and suddenly he makes a move. He bends and gets his face close to mine. Our eyes meet and I feel the aroma of his expensive perfume. I don't make a move. He closes his eyes and bonds our lips together. For the first time. Suddenly I feel thousands of chills running throughout all my body, making me shiver intently. His lips are warm, which wasn't expected. I feel them moving gently as I move my jaw to feel them better. He ends the kiss and gets his beautiful face away. Suddenly all the warmth I experienced disappears and a cold atmosphere expands. I stay there with my eyes wide open and my lips ajar. I cannot speak a word. What did just happen was a mere dream till today. I never expected him to ever kiss me. Not in such a fashion. Not as his last wish.

'X-Xanxus...' I whisper, for this was the only sound I am able to make.

'Now, either shoot me, get the fuck out or decide on your leaving of the Varia' he says with a voice I know so well. It was the voice he always made, when he had made some trick, which had everyone around frightened or dead.

Suddenly I regret I pulled the gun out and broke our monthly pattern. I wished to be held by him now so badly.

'I... Will leave, boss.' I lie. I can't lie, I know that best. And he knows it too.

He smirks.

'Oh there's no way you wouldn't. But before you go, Squalo tell me one thing.' I freeze as he says this. I hated his questions and I hated the way he looked at me when he asked them to me. Exactly in this moment, I try to imagine what could he possibly want to ask me. I didn't have the time, because the question comes right away.

'What is it, that you feel towards me?' he asks

What do I feel towards him? This is a question I never expected to be asked about. I never even had the time to ask myself on how I felt.

I lower the pistol a little and he already knows the answer. At the same time I feel as my cheeks flush. They become warm for an unknown reason. Xanxus still smirks with the ugliest face of his. He grabs the gun and throws it away. I'm still flinched as he puts one of his cold hands on my waist and leans towards me. I know this move very well.

We're right back to the pattern than. Even if I point a gun at him, even if I say I'm leaving, we still end up following it. It feels worse than ever. Still I can't resist him.

I feel his warm breath on my throat. I close my eyes and lift my head upwards so he can hear my blood running under the thin skin on the neck. He enjoys it as always. Than his hand moves slowly on my torso and pets my nipples. Once again I can't deny it and I shiver excited. Suddenly I feel some new warmth on my paps. I gaze down curiously and I see him actually sucking on them. With his eyes closed, he continues to run circles around them with his tongue. This time it was him to break the routine. I'm so impressed I start shivering even more. He never uses his mouth to anything he does to me, but when he screams. Yet today he did it twice already.

I try to destroy our stencil even more, though he already shattered it. I grab his hand and move it slowly downwards to my crotch. Quickly he gets my idea and clings with his nails on me moving his hand upwards and downwards fast. I squeeze my eyes shut, it hurts like hell. But still it's hellish good. Then he gives me a few licks between the legs. Than he actually sucks on me. I scream. This is the thing I never knew. It's so good, so new and so exciting i can't even think straight anymore. All I can imagine is him fucking me so damn hard as always. So this time it is my brain who clings to the pattern, which both our bodies don't follow anymore. His tongue is warm and so are his lips. I feel as if I'm about to come in any second now. But I can't do that yet, for this will make him angry. I can't come in his mouth. I would die instantly afterwards. That much I am able to think of. Suddenly the scene changes and he turns me around without asking. I try to lift on my knees a little, as he bends over to clasp our bodies together. Quickly he thrusts his cock into me. I yell as loud as I can. He moves fast in and out holding me tight against his hot body. As I shout I feel his rapid breath on my neck and hear him gasping. My body speaks itself as I try to grasp even closer at him, my body leaning in an awkward position. He feels it and pulls himself even further inside. All I can do is shout and cry out for more. And he gives me more. My body sweats and my hair stick to my face and my back. Also they stick to his face and he doesn't wipe them away. He keeps on thrusting into me excited as I am. He pulls himself out of me and turns me around once more. I feel like a fucking merry-go-round, but I don't mind as long as I hear his sighs. He's right above me now and gets his face closer to mine. We both are gasping heavily, breathing hot air in each other's face. He opens his mouth and kisses me. He does it so perfectly, I never had the idea. He sucks on my tongue, he slightly bites it and does wonders with his own. I try to keep up, but I know I'm not even half that good. But we're both in ecstasy, for I can nearly hear his heart pounding rapidly. When we end the kiss he opens his eyes and gazes at me, while he thrusts again into me this time holding me even more tightly. Once more I yell his name and he smiles at me. A few more thrusts and I can't have no more. Screaming I come. Plenty of sticky white liquid stains his sheets. He comes just afterwards inside me and leaves my body. Suddenly it feels so empty. I fight with my thoughts not to fall asleep. He lays next to me and closes his eyes. With the rest of my energy I lift up and glance at him as he's so peacefully drifting away. His face seems so beautiful to me now. There are no traces of anger on it. There is only the pleasure I gave him.

I rest on his lap, still wet and shivering. Seems as if we made a new mold to stick to. And I will gladly follow this one. The one in which he kisses me so warmly and the way he makes me feel useful to him. Even though my body feels torn apart it feels really good. But still I curse myself in thoughts for I just denied the one chance I had to escape from him and from this rotten life I live. Once more I proved how blindly I cling to him and his sick ideas. But oddly, it doesn't make me angry. Not one bit.