Tony hung up the phone and parked his car in the nearest spot. This was his escape. He couldn't just run away from this one; he'd really screwed this up. There would be no evading the consequences, no drinking it all away; for all he knew, his career was over. Not that that was what he really cared about.
He had lost her, and this time it really was all his fault. It didn't matter that it was self defense. It didn't matter that he had tried to evade arrest. It wouldn't matter if he was what Tony was sure he was.
He killed her boyfriend.
He had loved her. He knew he had loved her. He knew he still did love her. But it was over now. Everything was over now. Everything they had built together. All of the trust. Nothing would ever be the same.
Maybe it was better that way.
He opened the door of his car, climbing out, slamming it shut. Pins, nails, pounded the back of his eyes. He refused to let them take control. He couldn't. He hadn't even made it to his destination yet.
Climbing the grassy hill, he made his way to the cobblestone path that would lead him there. The closer he got, the blurrier his vision got. He knew how to get there. It was like a part of him; stop at the old oak tree that Abby had marked, just for them, turn left, walk about fifteen steps, and you were there.
The tears made it out of his eyes then; he had lost control. Here she was. His angel. She had never known Ziva; never known Vance, or Jenny, or Jeanne. In his eyes, she had innocence. She was taken from him before all of the corruption. Maybe things hadn't been a whole lot better back then, but he couldn't help but see it any other way. Which was why he was here now.
They had told him not to go anywhere. He had phoned Gibbs from the airport, explaining, knowing he couldn't go anywhere if Gibbs didn't want him to. He would blatantly ignore what Vance, and any other higher-up had to say, but Gibbs was still Gibbs. He was family. He was the closest thing he had ever had to a real father. When Gibbs said go, he boarded the plane. He would make the trip, stay only for a few hours, then make the trip back. Gibbs would deal with Toothpick for him.
He sat down on the ground, every inch of him aching from the last few days. Body, mind, and soul-they were all affected.
Abby had been known to make this trip several times a year. She always was a faithful friend. He figured Gibbs had gone once or twice, though he would never admit it. Tony didn't know about the others. He, himself, had never been able to get himself here.
Coward, he thought.
It was true. After all this time, everything she had meant to him, and he couldn't get here. More guilt on his part.
Pulling his wallet out of his coat pocket, his eyes rested on a photograph. It had been held so many times over the years that it was tattered, and torn. The dam burst…giant sobs wracked his injured body. He just needed to feel something…something other than the pain, the hurt, that seemed to cloud his life the last few years.
He didn't talk to the dead. He didn't really believe they could hear him, though he had never really had anyone he wanted to talk to. But things were different this time. He thought about the last time he felt whole.
The blue UV lights glowed above them. She sat there in that room with him, risking her life, just to be there with him. He knew she wasn't infected. She didn't have the same symptoms as him. But there she was beside him, trying to make him smile.
They had never been romantic, though others had questioned it. They were friends. Not nearly as close as he and Abby, but they shared something. He loved her. He loved her in ways that nobody else could or would ever know.
That was why he was here, sitting at her grave.
"Kate, I don't know if you can hear me but I sure as hell hope you can. That's selfish. Maybe it's better if you can't hear me. I messed up big, this time. Ziva…you know who she is, I'm sure Abby spent an entire year complaining to you about her. She's amazing, Kate. She's so…" he paused, trying to find the words. "She's the one who's been there through all of the shit that's been going on since you left. Couldn't stand her at first, she has so much attitude, thought she was better than us. She was taking your place. It wasn't until later that I realized she was the brave one; she was trying to work the way the director wanted her to, when the entire team hated her."
Another photo was pulled from his wallet. This one was of him and Ziva, at a carnival, the summer that Gibbs was gone. Things were good then, even with all of the other stuff going on at work. They had made it through so much together, him and Ziva. Missions, every day work, Jeanne, Jenny's death. He knew that was when he lost her. She had gone back to Israel, as ordered. He was so wrapped up in the guilt he held over his heart over everything that had happened, that he forgot about her. No, he didn't forget. He could never forget his assassin. He was scared back then, scared of talking to her on the phone, scared of hearing her voice. He knew she blamed herself for Jenny's death, too, but he just couldn't handle it. He didn't want to hear the sadness in her voice, the hurt in her words. It was his fault she was stuck in Israel, away from her friends, her family at NCIS.
"Sometimes I wish that you were here, instead of her. So much bad keeps happening, Kate. I just want to see our whole team happy for once. God, do I miss you. Things were simpler with you. We pissed each other off, but underneath, we cared. It was never that simple with Ziva. There was always the sexual tension. I knew that one day, it would kill us, or if not, then we'd give in and Gibbs would kill us.
"I miss how you used to bug me. I've changed, Kate. I guess I'm not the playboy you knew. It's because of her…her and Jeanne. I really wish I still was that ass that you used to know. Might not hurt the way it does now.
"Truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared shitless. They're taking me to Israel. Apparently I've got to face her father…the director of Mossad. You and your way with people would be really helpful right about now. I think even Gibbs is afraid this time. I've never seen the look in his eyes that was there today. If anything else happens, goes wrong, he's going to blame himself. I know it. He doesn't need that.
"I just don't know what to do…" He trailed off, the tears overtaking him once again.
A hand laid itself upon his shoulder.
He jumped. His upset mind told him it was Kate. His brain told him it was someone still alive. Someone who somehow still held a place in her heart for him. Someone who was clearly better off without him.
"I'm here." She whispered. Crouching to the ground in front of Tony, she hesitantly wrapped her arms around his shaking form. He accepted her into his grasp, and she settled in his lap.
The smell of her dark hair was so familiar to him. It was a comfort. As she lifted her head, she ran one hand up his cheek, behind his head, stroking his short hair. Her lips reached his cheek, whispering against them, then gently placing a kiss against the soft skin there. He opened his eyes, knowing just who would be there in front of him.
Two beautiful orbs, bright with tears, and currently lacking any makeup, stared back at him. He reached up with his good arm and wiped the tears from her cheek.
"How'd you find me?" he whispered.
"McGee hacked the airline."
"Why'd you come?"
"Because I love you."
"You shouldn't."
"Maybe not, but I do. And I always will, Tony."
Abby rolled out of his lap and sat beside him, holding his hand. She then stood, and brought him with her.
"I come out here whenever anything bad happens, or if I just feel upset. Somehow, she makes me feel better. It's like she fixes it for me."
"I don't know if she can do much about this one, Abbs."
"No, but you can."
"How?" he said in a low, defeated tone. It was breaking her heart.
"Do what you're told. Tell the truth. You aren't going to get murder; Gibbs will make sure of that. Worst case scenario? You lose your job."
"Abbs, my job is my life. My friends are there. My family is there. Everything is there. You are there. How am I supposed to do this, Abby?" Fresh tears were rolling down both of their faces.
"You don't," she said harshly, earning a shocked and hurt glare from Tony. "We do. We'll get through this together. We're a family, Tony. No matter what happens in the next few days, we'll always be family."
"I hurt her."
"You loved her. You did what you did because you loved her. You still do love her. And you probably will for a long time to come." She stopped to catch a sob. "But we love you, too, Tony. You can't just give up. Please don't give up."
He looked up. "Why not?"
"Because!" she cried. "Because if you give up, then I have to give up. And then Gibbs will give up. Don't you think I'm scared, too?! I need you, Tony, you're like my big brother! We'll get through this. Just please; promise me you won't give up on us. Don't give up on me."
He wrapped the sobbing Goth in his arms, and kissed her forehead.
"I promise. I promise no matter what, Abbs, I'm not giving up."
Several minutes later, hand in hand, the two friends walked back toward the rental car. Stopping at the old oak, Abby looked up to the sky. Tony followed her gaze.
"What is it, Abby?"
"She's looking down on us, Tony. Kate's looking out for us. She'll help fix everything, Tony, just like she always does for me."
They stood there a moment longer, each saying a silent thanks to their friend in the heavens, then walked to the car, arm in arm, ready to face whatever lay ahead.