Fire & Ice
some say the world will end in fire
some say in ice
;
The room is cold.
Everything about it reeks of coldness – the white walls, the bleached white tile floors, the scrubbed clean white counters – and the white coldness of it matches the temperature and hue of Cry's skin as he sits, still as marble in the doctor's sterile office.
Similarly, Felix finds it hard to move, to breathe, to even react to what the doctor just told him. His eyes widen imperceptibly. His lips can form but one word: "No."
"I'm sorry," the doctor apologizes, eyes trained on Cry still, probably hoping for a reaction. But Felix knows him – and he knows that Cry tends to block the negative completely out, sometimes leading to a total shutdown, and he knows that's probably what will happen in this situation. Unconsciously, his hand creeps over to Cry's and encases it, giving it a small, firm squeeze. It's okay, he wants to say, but he knows that is a lie.
Finally, the marble statue that is Cry moves, beautiful lips speaking the biggest lie: "It's fine." His hand doesn't move from Felix's, though.
It feels as though the world has come to a complete halt.
Cry turns to Felix, fixes his steely blue eyes on Felix's bright ones. "Let's go," he says, and Felix immediately obeys.
;
Cry doesn't speak as they stand out on the street, still holding hands, and Felix doesn't know what to say – what he can say. I'm sorry seems like a weak retribution for what is soon to occur. I'm here for you seems like stating the obvious, which Cry wouldn't appreciate. And what he wants to say – what he longs to say – wouldn't be returned by the stormy brunette in front of him. The silence, however, seems too empty and yet too full, so Felix speaks. "I – I know there aren't words to describe how I feel about this, in English or Swedish or anything. But - I'm scared, Cry. And I know you are too."
Felix knows Cry as well as the back of his hand, so he isn't surprised when Cry doesn't even attempt to deny it and instead buries his head into Felix's shoulder. This is strange for both of them; it is typically Felix who breaks down – whether about a breakup with some silly girl or a flat tire on an already bad day or a game that wasn't as good as he hoped – but in the moment, Felix knows it's right. Silently, his hand comes up to stroke Cry's soft hair. Please, he thinks. Please don't leave me.
"I'm pretty scared," Cry confesses at last. "I just don't understand… why it's me that has to go. But I wouldn't want it to be you, of course. I just, I don't know what I'd do if you left me behind. So I'm scared for me, and I'm scared for you."
"Yeah." Felix stares down at his best friend, the one he's spent the last five years of his life with, the one that's comforted him when he was sick and laughed at stupid stuff on the Internet with him and hugged him when he needed it – and he wonders how in the world he's supposed to be Pewds without Cry. "I'm scared for me too."
A small, strangled laugh forces its way out of Cry's throat. "I know. I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for," Felix says in an unusually determined tone. "You can't help it."
Cry sits for a second in silence, considering these words, and then the weirdest words of all force their way out of his throat. "Don't tell anyone."
"What?" Felix asks, mouth falling open in surprise. Perhaps it's because he's always been more open about these things than Cry, but – don't they deserve the chance to say goodbye? Before it's too late? He stares at his best friend in concern, wondering if he's losing his mind.
"You heard me," Cry says. "I know people, and I know that as soon as they hear they're going to be all over me – wanting to tell me things I don't need to know, comfort me in a way that makes me feel worse, say goodbye before I'm ready. For the next few weeks, at least, I want it to be just you and me."
What about Ken, Felix wants to ask. What about Ken and Jund and Russ and Sp00n and Minx and Red and Ziegs and Ohm and – and all the other people who deserve to know? But he doesn't, because something about the way he'd said 'just you and me' strikes a chord in him and he feels warm all over and so, despite his better judgment, he agrees. "Okay, Cry. Whatever you want."
Cry smiles gratefully at him. His body goes warm all over.
I don't know how I'm supposed to live without you.
;
He can't sleep that night. The house feels cold and empty already, which concerns him – this has barely even begun. Silently, he creeps downstairs, hoping not to wake Cry. As it turns out, that isn't an issue. Cry sits on the couch downstairs, arms wrapped around his legs, not blinking or twitching or even moving a muscle. It's one of the scariest things Felix has ever seen – scarier than Amnesia or Slender or even Outlast – because this is real life and this is, this is Cry.
"Cry," he whispers, walking over to sit beside him. "Cry." He wraps an arm around him, drawing him close. "Cry, please."
"It's okay, Felix." His voice is monotonous, and Felix can't help but flinch at his use of Felix's real name – that scarcely ever happens, not with them.
"This isn't okay," Felix hisses back. "It hurts me to see you like this. I know you're upset and scared but you can't just give up, all right? This isn't the Cry I know; the Cry I know is a fighter and just – please? Do it for me?"
Reluctantly, Cry turns to face him and Felix can easily see the chaos and confusion raging in his eyes. With a shake of his head, he relents. "Okay, Felix. Just… stay with me. Please."
"Always," Felix whispers, stretching out his long body on the couch beside Cry, wrapping his arms around the terrified man beside him and keeping him close – this way he knows Cry is still there. The coldness and emptiness vanishes as the heat of the other man consumes him, keeps him warm and – alive. He dozes off easily now.
Please don't leave me.
;
The next time Cry goes to the doctor's office, he returns with a little pill bottle. Both curious and concerned, Felix peers at it. The thing creeps him out. Turning to his best friend, he inquires, "What the hell is that?"
"Pewds," Cry begins, obviously searching for the words to say.
"N – no," Felix sputters as realization settles in. "No, Cry. You wouldn't. You wouldn't just give up that easily – you have so much to live for and so many fans and me, Cry, what about me? You can't just leave me!"
Cry's eyes harden at Felix's words, and he knows immediately that he's misspoken, but Felix can't bring himself to apologize at this point in time. With a shake of his head, Cry seethes. "That's your problem right there. You can't be bothered to think of anyone other than yourself, not even me. How do you think I feel? I'm going to die! There's no way anyone can freaking save me. The doctors think I'm a lost cause. And in a few months, a few weeks even, I'm going to start suffering, and if there's any way I can spare myself that pain, then I'm going to do it. Forgive me for not thinking about how you might feel." He hesitates for a second, eyes concentrating on Felix's face, before he spits out, "Felix," and then retreats, heading up the stairs, pill bottle in his hands.
It takes Felix a moment before reality sets in. Unconsciously, the tears start pouring down his face. His body curves in, causing him to collapse on the floor, hands pulling at his hair. He's not exactly sure what set him off, but seeing that pill bottle – that evil thing – made this whole situation seem so final. In a few months, maybe a few weeks, he could come home to an empty house. No Cry grinning at him from the couch, laptop perched precariously on his lap. No Cry to snuggle with while playing Amnesia and continuously confirming that they're straight – "but snuggling is just nice!". No more fights over what type of juice to buy and whether cold pizza is good or not. No more of that.
He gives Cry a few hours to cool down before he heads back upstairs, knocking hesitantly on the door. Within seconds, the door opens and Cry pulls him in, embracing him like it's the end already. "I'm sorry," Cry chokes out.
"No." Felix shakes his head. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm sorry. I didn't think about how you were feeling and I – if it's what you want to do, then I'll support you wholeheartedly. It's your decision – it's not mine."
"It is." Cry nods twice, silently, and then he whispers, "Thank you."
I'm sorry.
.
T-minus four weeks.
"You need to get out of the house," Felix commands his friend, who is sitting sullenly on the couch, controller in hand although the TV is turned off. "Come on. We're going to get some ice cream."
"Healthy," Cry scoffs, then sighs. "I guess it doesn't matter. I'll grab my coat."
Felix winces despite himself – it's 78 degrees out in sunny Florida, not exactly coat weather – but he heads out nonetheless. Cry hops into the passenger seat, smiling slightly at his friend. "I remember when I tried to teach you how to drive American style. You… well, you weren't the greatest."
"Excuse me!" Felix gasps, feigning offense. "I was a quick learner."
"Yep, you've only gotten in three accidents so far," Cry teases back. "You deserve an award."
"That's true," Felix replies with a laugh. "I deserve a lot of rewards actually, darling."
"Awards," Cry corrects.
"How about both!" Felix exclaims, pushing down on the gas pedal so that they speed out of the driveway, narrowly avoiding a mailbox. Cry laughs and Felix thinks that these are the moments he will miss the most, banter with Cry and laughing with Cry and – Cry. "Hey, Cry. What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?" he asks, hoping to sound nonchalant.
"Mint chocolate chip," Cry answers immediately, and then raises an eyebrow over at his friend. "Why?"
"It's just weird," Felix says. Realizing that won't be enough of an answer to satiate his friend's curiosity, he tells him, "I know so much about you, and yet sometimes it feels like I know nothing about you. I want to know everything before it's too late."
"Oh, yeah?" Cry asks. "I like when people buy me expensive games and mint chocolate chip ice cream. Preferably both."
"Shut up," Felix says with a laugh.
But when they get to the ice cream parlor, Felix buys him a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone. Just because. And he promises himself that he'll remember the excited look on Cry's face for the rest of his life.
;
Once they get home, they're accosted with a Skype call from Ken. Cry sighs, glancing over at Felix – but Felix, feeling guilty for ignoring their friends, answers nonetheless. "Felix!" comes Ken's voice from the other end. "I thought I'd never get a hold of you. What's up, man?"
"Nothing," Felix answers, a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach. He despises lying to his friends, but desperate times call for desperate measures. "Cry and I just got back from the ice cream parlor. You?"
"Oh yeah, hey Cry!" Ken calls. "Whoa, I totally forgot you guys lived together. But yeah, I just got home, saw you were online, thought I'd call. I missed ya, man."
"Yeah, we missed you too," Felix replies, shooting a helpless look at Cry – I hate lying to him why can't we just tell him. But Cry shakes his head, and Felix just sighs, knowing he has to respect his friend's wishes. "We'll have to do another co-op sometime, ya know?"
"Yeah, definitely man. Just let me know. You guys seem kinda busy." It's hard to miss the suggestive tone in Ken's voice, but Felix just laughs it off.
"Sorry about that, man," Cry jumps in. "We've just had a lot going on."
"Maybe in a few weeks," Felix says, but his heart sinks in his chest because he knows that, in a few weeks, Cry won't be here and he'll be all alone. Cry just looks at him – I'm sorry, his eyes seem to say. I'm sorry I brought you into this.
It's okay.
;
T-minus three weeks.
"I want to play some video games," Cry says, and Felix stares at him in surprise. It has been weeks since Cry has played a video game; sometimes he'll sit and stare at the TV and hold the controller in his hands, but that has been the extent of his 'gaming'. His fans have been harassing Felix, asking about Cry, but all Felix can say is that Cry is dealing with 'personal issues' and really hasn't felt up to making any videos.
"Of course," Felix says at last, grabbing a controller and throwing the other at Cry, who grins.
They decide to play Portal 2, a simple game with minimal death (something neither of them want to even consider), but quickly realize that they're not smart enough to decipher even the simplest of puzzles. "Cry," Felix moans, "you have to be like a Einstein or a Tesla or a Schrodinger to do this."
"You've said that before," Cry says with a laugh. "Remember? It was one of our first co-ops, man."
"Yeah, and it's still true," Felix whines. "Hey – wait! Put a portal there."
"Why, so I can fall through and – respawn?" Cry says, censoring his own language.
"Noooo," Felix says suspiciously. "I have a plan."
"Sure you do, buddy," Cry chuckles. "Okay, I put the portal through, now I'm going in – oh, crap. See, this wasn't a good plan!"
"Heeey, don't blame me," Felix says. "I just wanted to try and think of a plan, bro."
"Think of a better plan!" Cry practically yells, making both of them crack up.
They play for a little while longer before they give up, practically slinging their controllers across the room in defeat. Laughing, Felix looks over at Cry. "I've missed playing games with you, man."
"Me too, Pewds. Me too," Cry says, staring back at him. They stay like that, eyes locked, moving in closer slowly, until Felix realizes what's happening and pulls away. Coughing, he says, "Sorry about that," and takes off to his room.
Only once he gets there does he realize what could've happened.
;
During the day, Cry seems as if he could be handling all of it well – he smiles, laughs, plays his video games, doesn't complain or even speak about what's happening to him. He scarcely even tells Felix when something hurts or doesn't feel right, and neither of them speak about the pill that rests on his bedside table. But at night, when silence consumes them, he can hear the stifled sound of someone crying.
After night after night of this, Felix gives up and creeps into Cry's room, silently climbing into the bed beside him. Quietly, he whispers, "Hey, calm down. I'm here." He's not really good at comforting people, but he'll try – for his own sake, if not Cry's.
"Felix," he whispers, using Felix's real name again – but this time it's full of mixed emotions, rather than anger or fear like the last few times. His lips press to Felix's forehead, as if making sure that Felix is real. Then, without explanation, his eyes close and he dozes off to sleep.
The two of them never speak of the incident again, but from that night on Felix sleeps in Cry's bed.
;
T-minus two weeks.
Felix doesn't understand how the skies can be blue and the clouds can be beautiful and puffy and white while his entire life is falling to pieces. He's had a good life – a great life – with Cry the past few years, living in America and playing games together and laughing about stupid stuff, and now in a matter of weeks it's all going to be taken away. Yet everything outside is unchanged – as if unaffected by anything in his own mundane life.
Cry walks outside, joining him, his hand finding Felix's. "It's pretty outside today," he muses.
Glancing over at Cry, Felix is struck immediately by how beautiful his companion is. His face is smooth, his eyes are bright, and his features are perfect, in comparison to Felix's own rugged face. The two of them have never tangibly spoken about their relationship status, but Felix has a feeling that they're connected as more than simple 'friends'. Friends don't cuddle at night or hold hands while staring at the sky. And they definitely don't stare at each other and consider how beautiful the other is, but that's exactly what Felix is doing right now.
"Yeah," Felix agrees, glancing over at Cry. "It is."
You are.
;
The e-mail in his inbox is filled with everything both he and Cry have been avoiding. It's full of language like "final arrangements" and "will" (though there's not much Cry owns, honestly) and "termination" and Felix doesn't even want to consider it for a second. So instead of dwelling on such disgusting things, he deletes the e-mail and sighs, leaning back in his chair.
"I want to have an Amnesia-themed funeral," comes a voice from behind him, startling him. "You have to navigate your way to the main room, pick up some tinderboxes and sanity potion along the way. Cool, right?"
"Funny," Felix deadpans, rolling his eyes at Cry.
"Just trying to help you out, man," Cry says, smirking like his dumb fox thing in Bloody Trapland.
"I'm gonna need some sanity potion at your funeral," says Felix seriously.
With a sigh, Cry says, "I know…" and then, after a moment, "I'm sorry."
"Me too," Felix says. "Me too."
;
T-minus one week (and counting).
"I'm ready to tell everyone," Cry announces one day. He looks so weak and pale that it makes it easier for Felix to believe that this is actually happening – though, in all honesty, it still doesn't make it much easier. But this is shocking – Felix didn't think anyone would find out till, you know, it happened.
"Good," he manages. "Who first?"
They tell Minx first, simply because of convenience – she's online and it seems like the proper thing to do. Shocked, she asks a bunch of questions and cries a little, but before they hang up she says seriously, "Cry, I'm glad you've got Felix there with you," and neither thinks about the significance this holds until much later.
Ken is a little angry that they'd waited to tell him, but he understands and profusely tells Cry how much he'll miss him and how much he loves him ("in the truest way a dude can"). Sp00n is angry as well, but instead of screaming he manages a few tears ("don't tell anyone, okay") and says he doesn't know what he'll do without Cry ("Me neither," Felix agrees). There's anger and sadness and depression and – emptiness, so much emptiness. The void that Cry will leave will never be filled. That's something everyone agrees on.
At the end of the night, Cry collapses behind Felix and stares at him, eyes wide. "That was harder than I thought," he admits with a sigh. "I would say I'm going to miss them all, but I don't know if I will – if I can. There's a lot I don't know, Pewds."
"I don't know either, Cry." He sighs, kissing Cry's cheek softly in an attempt at comfort. "I'm not ready to say goodbye."
"It has to happen sometime." Cry looks over at him, biting his lip. "Hey, Pewds. If I can miss anyone – if I'm able, I guess – well, I'll miss you most of all."
"I'll always miss you, Cry," Felix says, and it's true.
;
Neither of them are ready for the day to arrive, but it looms upon them like a dark storm cloud bringing darkness to a bright, sunny day. Each day is crossed off in red on the calendar, representing a day gone by, a day less that they have to spend together, and with each day Cry grows weaker still. By the time the day arrives, Cry is bedridden and Felix spends most of his day in bed with his best friend, discussing everything under the sun, watching TV, playing games, and then, when Cry sleeps – watching him sleep. Felix doesn't sleep much these days. He considers it time wasted.
On that day, though, rain pours down from the sky and all Felix can think is that he's not ready. Cry seems to be, though, although he stares at Felix with wide blue eyes. "The pill takes a while to take effect," he tells Felix calmly as he holds it in his palm.
"Yeah," Felix manages to get out.
"I – I think I'm ready," Cry says, glancing down at the ground. "I just – I wanted you to know how much you've meant to me these past few weeks before it's too late. You've been an amazing help and an amazing friend and I can't thank you enough for that. I lo – I care about you so much. I'm not good at this shit, but I just needed you to know."
Then, before Felix can stop him, he pops the pill into his mouth. Everything seems to move in slow motion from that point. Felix grabs him, holding him close and pleading with him – "No, Cry, please don't, you can't, please stay with me, please, no, no NO…"
Cry just stares at him, eyelids blinking sleepily.
"I don't want you to go," Felix sobs into his shirt.
"I'm… not … ready," Cry pants out, breaths getting shorter and faster and – no.
"I love you," Felix admits at last, pressing a light kiss to his lips, but he's not sure if Cry even heard it because his eyes flutter closed and – no. The heavy breathing stops. Everything stops. No. It doesn't matter now. Nothing matters. His world has come to a spinning halt because Cry is – Cry is –
Cry is gone.
;
Everything from then on passes in a blur. The Cry fans are beyond devastated, as are his friends and his family, but Felix doesn't know much more than that. He spends most of his time in his room, trying to avoid seeing anything that reminds him of, well, him, but it doesn't work. The black spots on his ceiling turn into Sup Guys before his eyes. The walls form poker faces. And in the sky he sees Cry's blazing eyes – I'll miss you, Felix, I'll miss you most of all.
He closes his eyes. I miss you. I don't know if I'll ever stop. Come back.
His last words ring in Felix's head like a symphony, devastating him to the point of unstoppable tears. I'm not ready. He hadn't been ready either. He still wasn't.
Everything in his life is different, and he's not sure of who he is without Cry. Without Cry, there's no Pewds, there's no light, there's nothing but a black void and he's not sure how to fish his way out of it.
So he sinks in, goes deeper.
Darkness.
;
The phone rings.
"Hey, Pewds."
"Who?"
"Aren't you Pewdiepie?"
"No. Not anymore."
Pewdiepie. PewDiePie. Pewdiecry. Don't worry about it, Cry. Bro day every day. No. No. NO. Can't remember. Can't forget. No.
"My name is Felix Kjellberg. How can I help you?"
;
a/n: review if u cryed.
Seriously tho. I figured every fic needs one of those really angsty oneshots. So I decided why not just kill off Cry. (Kidding, I love Cry to death).
But seriously, if you like my fics or want more Pewdiecry, leave a review. Tell me what you thought. It'll make my day. Seriously.