DISCLAIMER: Firstly, I do not own any installment of Super Smash Bros. If I did, well... the roster would be less inventive, but at least there would be Inklings and an Inkopolis City stage (with Callie and Marie in the background - it would be cool), as well as Chibi-Robo (I voted for the little 'bot in the Smash Ballot - he could even use Living Room as his home stage in the 3DS version!). Secondly, if you're looking for a story that makes fun of itself and you're just looking for a good time and a decent read with some time to kill, this is a story for you.

... So anyways, this is my entry for FrenchMarioBros' Christmas Contest... at least, the first chapter of it, anyways.

Why have I been mysteriously absent from writing, you may ask?

One word, overused as an excuse by Fanfiction authors the world over:

College.

Nevertheless, I'm posting this story now. I thought it would be cool to include Bowser, since there's not a ton of fanfics on him as there are on characters from other franchises...

*coughFireEmblemcough*

Aaaanyways, personal preference aside, here goes. I hope you enjoy it.

A Father's Quest, Chapter 1: Exposition Inbound

The portal room of the Smash Complex was often very busy around Christmastime as different fighters attended to their gifts, and the most used one was definitely the Smashville portal - Not only did the stores sell conveniences like snacks, but some stores carried items found in shops from other worlds, some even from Non-Nintendo universes (though, Master Hand had cracked down on them significantly after Link had been caught with a Summon mana crystal from the Final Fantasy Universe on Final Destination). Today, December 23rd, was no exception. One such customer, Bowser, stepped out of a portal, clutching an oddly wrapped, thin, long package in his hand, wrapped in black wrapping paper with a red Koopa Clan insignia, his trademark.

"Well, if we're not doing a Secret Santa this year (which is a real shame, since I've never gotten Peach before), there's no point in concealing that I'm the one giving these gifts..." He thought to himself.

As the King of Koopas walked out of the portal room, actually grinning, a pair of eyes watched suspiciously from the ventilation shaft, narrowing as they saw Bowser's expression.

"Are you sure it's a scheme this time, Mario?" who else but Solid Snake whispered into a walkie-talkie. "And I still don't understand why we couldn't just use my codec to talk- it's more secure and I don't need to try and reach back to grab my belt from here... it's pretty cramped."

An easily recognizable voice on the other end of the line quickly responded, "Of-a course it's a scheme! Every single Christmas, it's-a the same deal! The one present for Peach that nobody else-a claims is a trap to capture the princess-a! It was that way even during-a Melee!"

Snake merely sighed. "If you say so. Still, you do raise a good point, since he's been out "shopping" a lot these past few weeks. I'm not sure why you haven't taken action again before this, though."

Mario sighed as well. "It's all-a just been too hectic, with-a the gift shopping and-a the decorating... but this year, we all-a planned ahead! Now we have enough semi-evidence to put our plan into motion!"

Snake just shook his head. "Well, I hope you 8 are satisfied with your plan... because I still expect my payment."

Mario just huffed. "Yes, yes... Enough-a matches off to get a date with Samus... I still-a don't know how that'll work out."

Snake smirked. "Quite frankly, neither do I... but that's a predicament for another day. My work here is done."

Mario nodded, placing his own walkie-talkie down on a round oak table, surrounded by filled chairs.

"I trust-a you all got the gist of the conversation, then?" Mario asked.

Seven nods followed his statement, and the red-capped plumber set both hands on the table.

"Very well-a, then. Operation Anti-Scheme is-a a go!"

...

Bowser set down the oddly shaped package in his room next to seven other similarly wrapped packages, nodding appreciatively at his handiwork.

"They'll never see it coming..." He spoke before turning around, walking towards the cafeteria as his stomach elicited a convenient, stentorian gurgle.

Of course, since this was a story based on a string of convenient circumstances, Bowser left his door slightly ajar and a nearby figure heard his entire sentence, whose face was soon wrapped in concern and anger. The figure lifted the walkie-talkie up to his mouth and spoke.

"So you're telling me I can't stop for a chili dog before this?"

"No, Sonic! Just implement-a the plan!"

The blue hedgehog shook his head with a bit of a grimace before responding.

"Sheesh; alright. No need to be such a jerk about it..."

Sonic motioned to another imposing figure, who flexed his muscles as his anime-style, triangle-like, white eyes burned a figurative hole into where the Koopa had just walked away.

"We'll never see it coming, huh? That reptilian scum is gonna get it!"

Sonic just rolled his eyes at his accomplice's reply.

"Yeah, yeah... we get it, Captain Dweeb."

The imposing figure's head twitched before he glowered at Sonic.

"For the last time, my secret agent codename is Falcon x Falcon, the greatest Falcon in the world!"

Sonic smirked. "Oh yeah... the name that sounds like some kind of awkward Fanfiction pairing."

Captain Falcon just said two words.

"Sonic. OCs."

Sonic visibly shuddered.

"Touché. Now let's get this show on the road, uh... Falcon x Falcon."

Captain Falcon nodded before saying, "H'yes! Let's go for the disrespect!" before rushing towards the Koopa's room.

Sonic sweatdropped before mentioning, "Well, at least he's motivated."

The two speedy characters dashed towards the Koopa's room, growing closer and closer... just like the abrupt ellipsis.

...

Bowser had just finished a satisfying meal of not-so-stereotypical cafeteria food: a rather large bowl of potatoes au gratin, butterfly-cut, pan-seared fish, fifteen cheeseburgers, and an entire devil's food cake.

(Oh, you thought I was going to make a video game reference there, huh? Well, I would, but I'm writing this while hungry. So better luck next chapter.)

After reaching the main hall of the Complex, since the only way to reach his room was through there (again, plot convenience), he was stopped by a sweaty white palm.

"Well, it's about time!" a stentorian voice bellowed throughout the room.

Bowser cringed. "Oh... crazy Hand... what is it you want with me?"

The hand, clearly miffed, poked him in the chest, sending him backwards. Fortunately, since the Smash rules still applied, he teched the landing in place, righting himself only moments after impact.

"I am the Master Hand, you blind Koopa!"

Bowser shook his head.

"No; I was just saying that you were crazy for confronting me, of all the fighters in the roster, with an angry mob! I'm probably one of the worst fighters here; why do you need them to talk to me?"

Sure enough, standing behind the Hand was a group of upset Smashers, all holding their weapons up high (Master Hand was sweating due to the proximity of a Fire Rod that Robin [the female, to be precise - I've a different name for the male, which you'll see when he comes up] had somehow managed to get a hold of).

Master Hand continued, "Well, I've been informed of yet another of your schemes to kidnap the princess, and I've decided it's high time to perform an intervention! The folks behind me are just there as extra insurance in case you don't cooperate. I have a good amount of evidence that you've been setting up an elaborate plan all this time!"

Bowser was aghast. "B-but... I swear, I don't have any materials for that sort of thing! There's no way-"

Master Hand interrupted, "I have been informed that you have gone out shopping on several different occasions, which is plenty of time to gain some resources for use in your trap... Which is why I have decided to confiscate your presents. As we speak, they are being held in my office... where..."

Master Hand panicked, teleporting out in a burst of light. Bowser and the others shielded their eyes before the angry mob set their glares upon him.

Robin began with, "You have no right to go after the princess!"

Little Mac just nodded in approval at Robin's words.

Zelda mentioned, "Agreed. Your antics year after year have gone on long enough!"

Lucina tagged in with, "I don't care whether you were created for that purpose; we're supposed to be enjoying ourselves in this location, and you not challenging your fate is, frankly, sickening!"

The others in the group were a little shocked at the ferocity of Lucina's outcry, but it was somewhat understandable, considering where she had come from.

However, after a moment, Master Hand teleported back in, pointing at Bowser.

"Well, this originally wasn't part of my plan, but Crazy Hand split up the pieces of your... whatever you had planned all around the Mushroom Kingdom. I suppose that's a fitting, if not harsh punishment for your actions, both this year and before."

He waved his fingers at the mob, ordering them to disperse (which they did in a timely fashion), before teleporting away yet again.

Bowser was left dumbfounded. All the work he had done, all the money he had spent, all the time he had put in... was completely and totally wasted.

And the worst part? He wasn't actually planning to kidnap Peach this year.

...
After confirming that the presents were actually gone, Bowser walked back towards the game room, the typical hangout outside of matches (filled with what else but pool, ping-pong, and foosball tables, several T.V.s of various models, and various Nintendo systems... with practically every game available except for Super Smash Bros. I wonder why that is...?). On his way, he received dirty looks from many of the other Smashers, including Luigi (no, not the death stare... but it was still... kinda intimidating, I guess?), Rosalina (whose expression was more disappointment than anger), R.O.B. (actually, how the heck could he tell? beats me...), Ike (who, as you'd expect, made sure that Bowser would get no sympathy from him), and several others. However, the oddest part of his trip was when he came across Ganondorf, who appeared somewhat downcast, and even went so far as to pat him on the shoulder.

"Better luck next scheme." He simply stated before walking away, muttering, "Kinda lame he got himself caught, though."

Bowser was more and more confused.

"Rumors are spreading like wildfire..." Bowser bemoaned.

As soon as he reached the game room, he opened the door, only to find that everyone currently inside the room had a piercing gaze directed at him.

"Out. Now." Marth ordered.

Bowser, not wanting to make any more trouble, complied begrudgingly, returning his own glare before departing.

As soon as he stepped outside, however, he found his entire field of vision become covered with a purplish energy, and began to flail around in shock. Once the energy disappeared and he regained his footing, he was met with the back of a tall Pokémon, who only chuckled to itself.

Bowser narrowed his eyes.

"Mewtwo. What is it you want?"

The Psychic-type Pokémon turned around, his eyes glowing light blue for a second before disappearing.

"I have already gotten what I wanted," it telepathically spoke. "I merely wished to ascertain the validity of the rumors that have been spreading around this complex like a horrible epidemic. And now, I know that they are completely and totally false."

Bowser gave a sigh of relief.

"At least you're on my side. So, I must ask... how are we going to get the gifts back?"

Mewtwo raised an eyebrow in Confusion (... accidental pun; plz halp!).

"You are assuming from the outset that I wish to aid you in your quest?"

Bowser glared at him, clenching his hands into fists.

"Well, if you don't help, no one else will!"

Mewtwo appeared to ponder this fact for a moment before nodding.

"Hmm... very well. I suppose I could lend you my support."

Bowser nodded.

"Noice! Anyways, the way I see it-"

Mewtwo appeared to have an inkling of distaste for that word.

"... Noice?"

Bowser shrugged

"I met a character on my latest excursion who talked like that."

Mewtwo waved it off with one hand.

"Fair enough. And, to top it off, I think I have the way to distract Master Hand you were looking for."

Bowser was dumbstruck for a second, raising a finger to object.

"I am a Psychic-type... or did you forget? Now then, give me just a moment..."

Bowser just stood there in shock as Mewtwo pointed to the side. A few seconds later, another figure appeared, racing down the halls before skidding to a halt right where Mewtwo had pointed.

"So why'd you call me here, huh?" the figure asked.

"Ah, Ness... Good. I am going out for a time and I need you to keep the Hands distracted for as long as you can..."

Ness twisted his cap slightly to the side before nodding.

"What'd ya have in mind?"

If Bowser was dumbfounded before, he was thoroughly shell-shocked now (Please halp! These horrific puns don't stop!).

"He- he's just going along with it?!" Bowser thought to himself.

Mewtwo appeared to think on this again before nodding.

"I suggest booking ten rounds of battles against them on Final Destination."

Ness's face was aghast.

"That's not possible! No one's been able to survive for that long before! There's no way I'll do it unless-"

Ness trailed off as Mewtwo glared right back at him.

"Correct."

Ness was almost terrified.

"You mean..." he asked, his voice quavering.

"I am calling in the favor you owe me for the Threed affair."

Ness gulped before nodding after a few seconds.

"I... I guess I have no choice, then."

Mewtwo smirked before turning away.

"Excellent. Make it a big event, too,with lots of publicity, so the others will be pretty distracted as well."

The catlike Pokémon motioned to Bowser.

"Come along, now. You're lucky you don't owe me for this."

Bowser just followed after him before, in an instant, they teleported away, leaving Ness with quite the predicament on his hands.

"O... Okay..." Ness muttered before walking back towards the Hands' shared office.

...

And there you have it. Chapter 1 complete.

Next time, we learn an important lesson... hunger makes writing less hilarious. I'll keep that in mind.

But in all seriousness, next time, Bowser and Mewtwo's quest in the Mario Universe begins! Will they succeed, with only two days left until Christmas? Will Ness's distraction actually work? What name did I give the male Robin, which claims to be so original from the rest of the site?

Find out on the next installment of A Father's Quest: A Christmas Story!