Whiskey Lullaby
By GryphonGundam
Disclaimer: Sadly, I must admit that I own nothing and no one. Not Kurama (sniff), not Hiei (sniff), not Yusuke or Keiko (sniff, sniff.) I also don't own the lyrics to Whiskey Lullaby. All I have is a half-empty cherry coke that, sadly, will soon be just an empty shell of its former self. So please, do not sue, unless you have a thing for empty soda cans. Then that's your business.
A/N: Just to let you know, this is a repost. I had to take this off for a while due to circumstances (yes I know I'm being vague), but now its back. Please keep in mind that I love Yusuke and Keiko and sometimes a story just kind of writes itself, so please don't hurt me. A quick note about Hiei. He's a bit OOC, but take into account the psychological things that have happened, and then his behavior makes a little more sense. Okay, that's it. Enjoy!
Dedication: To my roommates/best friends who totally rock. Thanks for not killing me. And to Sandy, I know that wherever you are, you're watching and smiling.
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"The true test of life is learning to live with death."—J.L. Mason
The weather that day was deceptive. Upon first glance it looked to be a normal day in early fall, with thin gray clouds streaking the azure sky. But the wind this day carried a chilling bite that made the day unseasonably cold. Normally, Hiei wouldn't have noticed nor cared about the chill in the air, but today it bothered him. Perhaps it was not so much the weather that got to him as the reason he was out in it, back in the human realm after nearly six years.
Six years. It had been six years since he saw everyone, since he'd last heard his friends speak, since the guilt that drove him away began, since… Hiei shook his head. By human standards, six years was plenty of time, but for a demon like him it felt as if it had only been weeks. Suddenly he stopped and looked up at the sky, silently hoping that he could face them.
"I was hoping to see you today," a smooth and unmistakable voice said.
Hiei switched his gaze from the sky to the figure standing before him. He examined his new companion for a moment, noting that in six years the only thing that had changed was that his red hair was now neatly tied back in a ponytail.
" I should have known you'd know I was here. How have you been, Kurama?"
"Well," was the fox's simple reply. "And you?"
Hiei simply shrugged and an awkward silence descended upon the two. "I'm assuming that you're here for the same reason as I."
Kurama gave a slight nod. "I come every year."
"That's noble of you."
"I suppose, though I feel it's more of an obligation than a noble act. Care to join me?"
Hiei didn't bother to answer as the two demons walked silently down the quiet street. The silence still hadn't broken when they turned onto a small stone pathway that went up a small hill. Hiei felt himself hesitating and dropped back a step. Kurama took note of this and stopped, turning back to his old friend. The red-haired demon began to speak, but saw the distant look in Hiei's eyes and remained quiet. He knew what the fire apparition was thinking, so he waited patiently and let his mind wander to events of the past.
(Flashback, 8 years ago)
Yusuke stumbled into the home he shared with Keiko with all the stealth of a Mack truck. Cursing softly to himself he tried to make his steps silent, but the pain in his ankle only allowed him to limp with a thud. He hated making so much noise. It was late and he knew that Keiko and their two-year-old son would be asleep. He hated disturbing them, and he knew if he woke Sosuke, Keiko would have his head. Catching a glimpse of himself in the hall mirror, he knew that he would have a lot of explaining to do.
"Oh man. First I leave this morning without a word, and now its three in the morning and I look like this," he mumbled, taking in the fresh bruises and his filthy, tattered clothing.
Yusuke began walking up the stairs when his swollen ankle made its presence known. He cursed the rock demon that had managed to get past his guard and get in a few hits. Taking a detour he went to the kitchen and reached for the bottle of whiskey in the top cabinet. A shot or two would help dull the pain for the moment. After swallowing the amber liquid, he headed upstairs to his and Keiko's room, all the way planning what it was he was going to say. This was the third time in the last two weeks he had taken off and fought without saying anything. He knew his wife to be an understanding and forgiving person, but even she had limits and he knew he was pushing them.
As he passed the first door he stopped and peeked in, checking, as was his habit, on his son. He was slightly surprised to see that Sosuke wasn't in his room.
He must be sleeping with his mother again, he thought. As he neared his own room at the end of the hall, he noticed that the light was still on. That means she probably waited up for me. Boy, am I going to get it now.
Yusuke gave the door a gentle knock before pushing it open. He was just about to start his explanation, but stopped short when he took in the sight before him. Keiko was sitting at the foot of their bed fully clothed with her hands folded in her lap. Her gaze when she met his was cold and stiff. In the eyes he had known since his childhood he saw a mix of anguish, anger, and sorrow. A chill ran up his spine when he noted the suitcase sitting next to her.
"Keiko?" Yusuke asked, his voice strained.
"Yusuke," she began and he noted how tired she sounded. "We need to talk."
"Why? What's going on? Hey," he said as he noted that his son was not present and began to panic, "Keiko, where's Sosuke? Did something happen…"
"He's fine, Yusuke. He's with my parents."
"Oh, then what's going on?" He hadn't wanted to ask that question. He'd wanted to stay away from it as long as possible, but fate was cruel that night and he couldn't keep the words from escaping his mouth.
"Yusuke," his wife began and then paused as she gathered her thoughts. "I love you, you know that, right?" Yusuke nodded with visible effort. "And I always will. I vowed four years ago to always stand by you, but I've found over the last year or so that I can't do that anymore. At least, not completely."
"Keiko, I'm not following."
"Things have changed, Yusuke. Your work is important, I know, and you have a lot of responsibilities. But…well, you used to always tell me when you were leaving, be it for a day or weeks, or months. You don't do that anymore. You leave without a word and I never know where you are or when you're coming back. Usually it's not bad, just a day, but there have been times where it's been days, or even weeks. You leave, get hurt, and come home with barely enough time to heal before another mission comes up. It kills me to see you wear yourself out like that, but what kills me more is when I don't see you. I die every time Sosuke asks where his daddy is and when he's coming back. He needs you, Yusuke, and so do I, but so does the rest of the world. It's the rest of the world that's beginning to scare me." Keiko paused a moment to wipe away a tear. When she spoke again there was heated anger in her tone. "Your enemies are looking for a weakness, Yusuke, and they're beginning to find it. We're right here alone while you're off fighting. We've been stalked, threatened, and even attacked, and I know they were minor incidents, but what about in the future? What if they get bolder and attack Sosuke while you're not here? What then?"
Yusuke couldn't think of an answer. His mind raced, trying to digest all of this information, all the while dreading where this was going.
"I can't keep waiting and wondering, constantly worrying about you and about Sosuke. I don't want to have to constantly look over my shoulder, and I don't want our son to live that way either. I'm giving you a choice, Yusuke. I know it's not going to be easy and I know it's not really fair, but this is the way it is. You can be here for your family, or you can go on with your job without us."
Yusuke didn't know what to do. His life was falling apart around him, but he couldn't form a coherent thought to save what was left of his life. Emotions surged through him and he grasped on to the one emotion he had known for most of his life, the one that he was most familiar with.
Anger.
"What the hell kind of a choice is that?" he growled. "You can't ask me to choose, Keiko. You know that there are too many people who depend on me. I can't quit! Do you have any idea what that would mean?"
The second he said it he wanted nothing more than to snatch the words back and burn them. However, he didn't apologize, he didn't relent. He just let the words hang in the air as he watched Keiko slowly get up and grab her bag. His mind and heart screamed for him to do something—anything—to keep her from leaving. He would die if she left, that he knew for sure, but for reasons beyond his comprehension he remained silent and watched her fight back her tears as she came to stand beside him. She gave him a soft kiss on his cheek, but he didn't move.
"I guess that's it then. You've made your choice, and I've made mine. I'll send someone over to get the rest of mine and Sosuke's things. Good-bye, Yusuke. Have a nice life," she said, trying to sound angry, but she was too tired to put much passion behind the words.
Yusuke heard a whispered "I love you" and then the door softly closed. She had walked out of his life forever. A sharp pain gripped his chest and tears stung his eyes. He turned and walked out of his room and towards the front door. He rushed through it, desperately hoping that he could catch her, but when he looked outside she was gone. He could have gone after her, but he felt too tired. Slowly he walked back into the house. As he passed the kitchen he saw the glint of the bottle he hadn't bothered to put away. Collapsing into a chair, he grabbed the bottle and took a long swig. And there he sat, vainly attempting to kill the emotional pain coursing through his body.
(End Flashback)
She put him out
Like the burning end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart
He spent his whole life trying to forget
"We should have done something."
Kurama was snapped out of his thoughts by Hiei's simple remark. "What was that?"
The dark-haired man regarded his companion a moment, but didn't answer. Instead he started to walk up the path again. Kurama followed the shorter man, catching up with him in a few strides. He began to think about Hiei's last comment when the silence was once again broken.
"We knew something was wrong, but we didn't do anything about it. Why?"
There was pain in Hiei's voice that Kurama had never heard and it surprised him.
"We did try, Hiei. Remember?" he said softly.
"We tried when it was too late. We let it go too far!" Hiei spat and looked into Kurama's emerald eyes. "By the time we'd decided it was time to help, he was already gone."
Kurama felt a pang of guilt stab at his chest at the truth behind Hiei's words. He remembered the way Yusuke had acted in the time following Keiko's departure. He had been overly angry and violent and had become increasingly difficult to handle. But, at the time neither Kurama nor the others had seen it as their place to interfere. And so they had let things go; only offering advice here and there. Days became weeks, weeks turned into months and by the time one year had passed, nothing had been resolved. Actually, where Yusuke was concerned, it got worse. He became increasingly reckless, taking foolish chances, barely resting between missions. He fought whenever he could, and when he couldn't fight, he drank.
We watched him drink his pain away
A little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough
To get her off his mind
Kurama had tried more than anyone to get the two to talk to one another. However, Yusuke's increasingly dangerous behavior frightened Keiko and fueled her refusal to see him. In turn, the absence of his family continued to encourage Yusuke's near-insanity. It was only later, when contemplating the situation in hindsight that Kurama realized it was not Yusuke's anger towards Keiko that drove him, it was the rage he felt towards himself. And Yusuke's rage and self-pity was an enemy none of them knew how to fight.
"We had no idea what to do, Hiei. It was a situation none of us knew how to handle," he glanced over at his companion who grunted, "Not that that's any excuse for waiting so long. But you're right. We should have acted sooner, before…" Kurama trailed off as a memory that made him shudder replayed in his mind.
Until the night
He put that bottle to his head
And pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
(Flashback)
"Yusuke, don't do this, you're in no shape to-"
"Shut up Kurama!" Yusuke bellowed. "This is my fight so stay out of it."
Hiei went to move behind Yusuke in an attempt to block his path towards the currently weakened shield the dragon demon had put up, but Yusuke turned and fired his rei gun just under the fire apparition's feet, knocking him off balance. To Yusuke's left, Kuwabara lunged in an attempt to tackle his friend. Yusuke stumbled and they fell to the ground in a heap.
"Damnit Urameshi! Just stand back and--"
Kuwabara was cut off by a fist to the face and reeled back, blood pouring from his broken nose. Kurama watched the scene with growing alarm. The dragon demon had only been temporarily weakened and they needed to act now, but they were too concerned with Yusuke's current condition. He had been drinking again and was in no shape to fight, but they had been unable to persuade him to stand back. He had fumbled his way through the battle, lashing out at their enemy in such an erratic fashion that he had almost completely drained himself of energy. He was weak, his judgement was anything but clear, and their opponent knew it. The had to make him stand back before…
"Yusuke, look out!" Kurama shouted as a blast of energy came towards his comrade.
Yusuke managed to dodge the blast, but unfortunately the force of the blast caused the earth to buck, sending both Kurama and Hiei flying back. When the fox demon managed to drag himself from under the rubble, he saw Yusuke standing over an unconscious and bloody Kuwabara with a look in his eyes that sent a chill through Kurama's bruised body. Before either he or Hiei could act, Yusuke let out a howl of rage and lunged at the dragon demon's still weakened energy shield, forcing his way through. Kurama watched as Hiei made a run for the shield in an attempt to make it through and help Yusuke. Unfortunately he was to late and the shield had regained its strength, repelling him back a few feet. As fast as he could, Kurama raced to his friend's side and watched in horror as Yusuke gathered every bit of energy he had left for one last tremendous blast.
"No, Yusuke…" Kurama whispered.
"Kurama, if he lets that loose while they're both inside the shield…" Hiei didn't need to finish his thought. He knew exactly what would happen.
Life is short
But this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
Kurama and Hiei braced for the blast, knowing already it's inevitable end. A lone tear slid down Kurama's cheek as a flash of light exploded and two screams tore across the night sky. Then all was silent. When the smoke cleared, all they saw was the limp body of Yusuke within a scorched circle. Behind them, they heard a gasp and a silent curse. They turned to see Kuwabara get to his feet and run to his fallen friend.
"Damnit, Urameshi, get up!"
"Shut…up…" was the labored reply.
Both Kurama and Hiei went to where Yusuke was lying, gasping for air. Kurama looked into his friend's clouded brown eyes and swallowed a lump in his throat. Yusuke looked at each of his friends in turn before setting his gaze on Kurama.
"Kur…ama. I need you to tell Keiko…tell her and…Sosuke…that I'm sorry…and that I love them. That I…always have…and…always will. Take…care of them." Kurama nodded slowly, fighting back tears so as not to upset Yusuke any further. Yusuke gave a sad smile and closed his eyes. Kurama's sensitive ears picked up Yusuke's final words as his life faded to black.
"I love you, Keiko."
Kurama let his tears fall, and behind him, he heard the slight ping as a dark jewel hit the ground.
(End Flashback)
We found him with his face down in a pillow
With a note that said:
"I'll love her till I die."
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a Whiskey Lullaby
"How was it that we let things get so out of hand?" Hiei quietly asked.
"I've asked myself that question almost every day for the last six years," Kurama answered quietly as they continued walking.
Hiei kept up his slow pace, once again trying to figure out how things had gone so wrong so fast. He had never been an emotional person, preferring indifference or anger in order to keep himself in check and to keep others away. Perhaps that was why this incident always made him so uncomfortable. It raised in him emotions he didn't really understand. Emotions that he had ignored until he started working with Yusuke and the others. They hadn't cared about his issues, had never pried, and had always been loyal. They had put up with his attitude, accepting him as he was. They had been the first true friends he'd ever had. And somehow, everything had been broken beyond repair. Could he have done something to prevent this catastrophe? With the information he had now and with all the times he had replayed that year in his head, he knew without a doubt that he and the others could have prevented it. But, as Botan had once told him, everyone has perfect hindsight.
So could he have prevented it? Perhaps, but the truth of it all was that he would never really know. But that never helped to ease his guilt and frustration. And it only became worse as he remembered the year following Yusuke's death, and let out a frustrated sigh.
"It's difficult, I know," Kurama commented as he looked up at the sky. Hiei gave him a questioning look, but stayed silent. "You know, over the years I've tried to comfort myself by thinking that things like this happen for a reason. This is the way things are supposed to be."
"Does that work?" Hiei asked.
"Not a damn bit," Kurama grumbled, but a grin played at the corners of his mouth. With a backward glance he saw Hiei's lip twitch as he fought back the urge to smirk.
"You'd think we would have been more attentive after what happened with Yusuke," Hiei stated, bringing back the original mood of the conversation.
"But we didn't get any smarter, did we?" Kurama finished as he went over the year after Yusuke's passing, starting with when he had told Keiko what had happened.
She hadn't taken the news well, and her already stressed state quickly turned into deep depression. Rumors of what had happened between them only made things worse. They ranged from Yusuke having affairs, to her being the one having the affair, to drunken fights and beatings. One rumor even claimed that Sosuke was not Yusuke's son. His end ranged from dying from an alcohol-related disease to him committing suicide on her doorstep. Kurama and the others had done their best to discredit the rumors and to comfort the young woman. They had figured that her depression was her way of grieving, and they had let that go for far longer than they should have.
The rumors flew, but nobody knew
How much she blamed herself
For a short while it had seemed that she was getting better. Her mood had improved, and she'd seemed to find a little interest in life once again. However, that was only what they saw when she was around her friends. Kurama now knew of the quiet struggle she had waged within herself. She was broken, but refused to show it. Despite what he and the others had said, Keiko put the blame on herself and allowed the guilt to consume her. Slowly it destroyed her, and soon, to Kurama's horror, he found her taking a similar path to that of her husband.
For years and years
She tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
(Flashback)
"Keiko?" Kurama asked quietly as he slipped into the apartment she shared with her son.
"Uncle Kur'ma!" a little black-haired boy squealed and quickly attached himself to the demon's right leg. "Where Botan an' Hiei?" he asked, wide brown eyes looking through the door with curiosity.
"Botan couldn't make it, Sosuke. And Hiei-"
"Is right here."
Kurama managed to hide his surprise at the sudden appearance of the fire apparition. Hiei simply nodded at the redhead and proceeded to make his way into the apartment. Lifting Sosuke into his arms, Kurama followed the shorter man the rest of the way into the quiet apartment. He came up short when Hiei paused and looked around, narrowing his eyes a moment.
"What's wrong?" Kurama asked.
"There was a demonic aura around, but it's gone now."
"Oh. So I take it that's why you're here?"
"I promised to watch over things. I'm just upholding my end of the deal."
Kurama bit back a sarcastic remark regarding Hiei's role as protector. Though the darker man acted as if it was nothing, he knew that Hiei was nothing but devoted and diligent in his duty to protect his friend's family. He often preferred to do this in the shadows, which was why his presence in the apartment worried Kurama a little.
"Sosuke, where's your mother? And why aren't you in bed?" Kurama asked.
"Mama's sleeping in there," the toddler said, pointing towards the kitchen.
"I'll go check on her. You put the child to bed," Hiei said and headed towards the kitchen.
After a short struggle to convince the four-year-old to go to sleep, Kurama entered the kitchen and stopped. Keiko was asleep at the small table and Hiei was peering at an empty glass as if willing it to disappear. Kurama caught the scent of alcohol and shook his head as he approached the unconscious woman. Kurama's heart sank when he realized that she hadn't fallen asleep; she had passed out. Putting the glass down with a crack, Hiei picked Keiko up and took her to her room. Kurama continued to stare at the empty glass and the near-empty bottle on the counter. He didn't know what to do; what to feel. At the moment he was numb.
When Hiei returned he said nothing, just leaned against the wall and stared out the window. An eternity passed before the silence was broken.
"She did this last night too," Hiei commented quietly. " And a few nights before, as well." He refused to look directly at Kurama.
"I know," the fox demon murmured. "I've found her like this several times. At first I thought that it was just a temporary comfort. But, it seems I have once again misjudged things."
"This is unacceptable."
"Well then, what do you suggest?" Kurama bit out.
Kurama had to resist the urge to hit the smaller man when all he did was shrug. "She needs to say good-bye and let this go. She's still trying to hang on. She can't keep doing that."
Kurama let out a frustrated sigh and sat down, rubbing his hands over his face. He had no idea what to do. Maybe Botan or Yukina or the others will have some idea. He sighed again and stared at the wall without really seeing it. Damn you, Yusuke. Damn it all to Hell.
Kurama let out a frustrated sigh and sat down, rubbing his hands over his face. He had no idea what to do. He sighed again and stared at the wall without really seeing it.(End Flashback)
She finally drank her pain away
A little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough
To get him off her mind
"If we hadn't waited so long to acknowledge her drinking, maybe things could be different."
"I'm tired of 'if', Kurama. They don't do us a damn bit of good."
Kurama blinked at the anger behind Hiei's words. Yet, he felt something else behind the words as well. Pain. Kurama silently wondered how often Hiei thought about the 'what ifs' of the situation. He often liked to think that Hiei was as cold and uncaring as he pretended to be, but when he caught a glimpse of the man's dark red eyes, he saw a raging storm of emotion. There was torment, sorrow, anguish, anger, frustration, and guilt. Kurama had to swallow the lump in his throat when he realized that what he saw in Hiei's eyes mirrored his own tangled soul.
Six years of individual torment, and yet we were suffering the same thing. Fate is truly cruel.
Kurama continued to muse to himself as they crested the top of the hill and headed down towards a large willow near a small stream.
"You want to know something ironic?" Kurama asked. "I'll bet you he was the last one to see her before…"
Hiei cut him off with a snort and stopped at the base of the tree. Kurama watched as Hiei stared at something beyond the stream, some memory that Kurama couldn't see.
In his own mind, Hiei went over the last few days leading up to his departure.
(Flashback)
It was one of the few evenings that he had not gone by Keiko's apartment and checked things out. Everything had been calm and he felt that there was no immediate danger, so instead he opted for wandering the outskirts of the city. Eventually he had found himself at the cemetery where Yusuke had been buried. He really didn't know what had led him there, but he felt the need to see his old friend. Hopping from tree to tree, he paused when he saw a familiar figure sitting in front of Yusuke's marker. He heard quiet sobbing and decided to stay hidden.
"Yusuke," Keiko choked out. "I miss you so much. The others say that I need to move on, and I'm trying, but I just can't seem to do it. They just don't understand what it means to lose the person you love more than anything. Kuwabara, Kurama, and the others have tried to understand, but they just can't. I know that they all hurt, but it's not the same. You want to know something funny?" She let out a strangled laugh. "The only one who doesn't seem affected is Hiei, and for that, I envy him. I wish I could distance myself like that. Maybe if I were stronger…"
Hiei didn't listen to the rest of the conversation. Instead he mulled over her last words. Was that how everyone saw him? Cold, distant, and uncaring? Did he play the part so well that no one could see the pain he felt every time he thought about what had happened to his friend? Hiei had never felt more confused in his life. He'd never seen his attitude as a problem, yet it seemed that locking away his hurt and sympathy had only made him a distant lump of unfeeling rock to be envied.
He was so deeply immersed in these thoughts that he missed it when Keiko stood up to leave, dropping a half-empty bottle onto the ground and staggering to her car. When Hiei heard the engine start he turned his attention back to the grave and froze when he caught the glint of the bottle. It took him a moment to react when he saw the car pull away and he hurried towards the moving vehicle, unsure of what it was he was going to do once he caught it. He ran as fast as he could, yet it wasn't fast enough. Keiko never saw the other car that slammed into the side of the hers, causing it to buckle and then flip.
Until the night
She put that bottle to her head
And pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short
But this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
Hiei was at the scene in an instant. Using all the strength he possessed, he tore open the crumpled driver side door. He blanched at the sight before him. Keiko was covered in blood, multiple cuts covered her body and her leg was broken. However, what worried him the most was the blood seeping from the cut where her skull had been fractured. In a blind panic, Hiei pulled her from the car and lay her head in his lap, pressing against the wound.
"Hiei?" a gurgled voice asked.
He looked down at Keiko, a young woman he had known for years, who had survived countless encounters with demons and other menaces, who had stood bravely in the face of danger and adversity. She had survived all of those, and yet she now lay dying in his arms from a car wreck.
Damn you, Yusuke, this is all your fault, Hiei thought, but quickly retracted his curse, knowing well that this wasn't anyone's fault, except maybe his. That thought seized him and he pushed it away, instead choosing to focus on the woman lying in his arms.
"Come on, Keiko. This is nothing. You've been through worse," he said in his harsh tone.
His chest tightened when all she did was give him a sad smile and shake her head.
"This is worse…because he's…not…here. But I…I'll see him soon…won't I?"
Hiei didn't know how to respond, so he kept his silence, awkwardly stroking her hair in his best attempt to lend her some comfort. He felt her life slowly slipping away and instinctively held her closer.
"I'm sorry, Keiko. I should have reacted sooner." The words tumbled from his mouth before he could stop them. Keiko once again focused her vision on his eyes, holding his gaze.
"There's so much sadness there…so much pain. You…you do hurt…don't you?" The fearless fire demon felt himself go numb. "Don't…be sad…Hiei. I'll be okay…now. Watch over…Sosuke for us. Tell him…his parents…love him and are watching."
Hiei felt another surge of panic as the last threads of life were cut and she faded away, whispering words that seemed far too familiar in this situation.
"I love you, Yusuke."
(End Flashback)
We found her with her face down in a pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a Whiskey Lullaby
"You left so quickly after she died," Kurama said as he kneeled down in the soft grass. "We never really got the chance to talk. Until now, that is."Hiei observed his old friend for a moment before replying. "There wasn't much to talk about."
"Liar," Kurama softly reprimanded. "If there wasn't anything to talk about, then what have we been doing?"
Hiei's only response was a scowl. Kurama chuckled lightly to himself at how, despite everything that had happened and the time that had passed, Hiei's favorite facial expression was still the same. A long silence passed between the two. There was something hanging in the air between them, something that they were trying to avoid. Finally, Kurama broke the silence with a question that caught Hiei completely off guard.
"Hiei, why are you here?"
The fire apparition stared at his companion and fumbled in his mind for an answer. Unable to come up with one he simply looked down and whispered, "I don't really know." Then, with an angry edge he turned the question on the redhead. "Why are you here? Why have you come every year?"
Kurama nodded, noting that it was a fair question and thinking that perhaps if he gave his answer it would help Hiei to give his own answers. "To be honest, I'm not really sure either. Seeking redemption, I suppose. Sometimes I try to look for answers, and often I ask for forgiveness."
"Forgiveness," Hiei whispered to himself.
When he didn't continue, Kurama went on. "Mostly I come because they are my friends. I find it helps to ease the pain, and the guilt. For six years I've come to visit them, and every year it's gotten a little less painful. And every year, I ask them both for forgiveness." Kurama paused to look at his friend. "But you know, as time has gone by, I've realized that if either of them were here, they would say that it wasn't our fault, that we didn't really know what was going on, or how to handle it." This time Kurama caught Hiei's gaze and held it. "We were all hurt and confused, Hiei. And none of us could have possibly predicted what was going to happen. It was beyond our control."
"No it wasn't. We were just too blind to see it coming. We could have fixed this, Kurama, if we had just paid more attention…" Hiei stopped abruptly, swallowing a lump in his throat. "I hate this," he growled.
"What do you hate?" Kurama asked.
"Caring," Hiei whispered. "When did we start to care?"
Kurama offered him a sad smile. "When a smart mouthed kid with no direction and a bad attitude showed up and offered us a well concealed hand of friendship. An enemy turned ally, turned friend. We never saw it coming."
For a long moment neither man said anything, each lost in his own thoughts of the past and present.
"Hiei," Kurama finally said. "What have you been doing these last six years?"
"Training. Getting stronger."
"Is that all?" Hiei nodded. "Have you gotten anywhere?"
Hiei offered him a confused glance before answering. "I've gotten stronger."
"Is that it?"
"Kurama, what are you getting at?" Hiei growled impatiently.
"Six years have passed and you really haven't gotten anywhere, have you?" Hiei clenched his fists in frustration, but didn't answer. "I realized something a few years ago, after a long talk with Kuwabara and Yukina. By the way, you should see them; they are doing remarkably well. Anyway, this all happened because when a life shattering event took place, both of these people," Kurama said, indicating the markers that were in front of them, "they put their lives on hold. In a single moment, they decided to stop living, stop trying. It seems that that's what has happened to you. Time has passed, and you've trained, but you never really moved on."
Hiei regarded Kurama for a minute and tried to calm his racing mind. Is that what had happened to him? Had he stopped living without realizing it? He had thought he'd moved on, but looking back, he realized that barely a day passed where he hadn't felt some sort of guilt or anger. That's why he trained so hard; it helped him to forget. But forgetting was not what he needed. He needed to remember, to accept, and learn to live with what had happened. But he wasn't quite ready to admit that out loud, so he asked Kurama one more question.
"How did you manage to keep going?"
A warm smile crept over the former thief's face. "I've had a lot of help. Sosuke is my main reason. I made a promise to his parents to take care of him, and I realized that I couldn't do that if I couldn't find a way to move on."
"Sosuke…how is he?"
"He's got the fighting and spiritual skills of his father—looks a good bit like him too—but, thank Kami, he has the brains and patience of his mother."
Hiei let a small chuckle leave his throat as he envisioned a miniature Yusuke beating up the bullies while maintaining high marks.
"You have friends here, Hiei, and family. Find a way to move on and come back to us because none of us want to lose you."
A cold breeze rustling the leaves of the willow was the only sound and only movement made as the two figures stood by the graves and thought quietly to themselves. After a few minutes, Kurama removed two flowers from his coat pocket and placed one on each marker before standing up. Turning back to Hiei, he gave a gentle smile.
"Will you be coming back to us?" he asked.
"I…would like to. But first…" Hiei looked at the markers that bore the names of their fallen friends.
Kurama nodded in understanding. "Take your time. We'll be waiting for you." Kurama took a few steps before pausing and looking over his shoulder. "Welcome home, my friend."
Hiei continued to stand there as Kurama walked away. Finally, he knelt down and touched each of the markers in turn, thinking deeply about what Kurama had said. He needed to move on, to stop being a walking dead man. He had friends, family…a life.
"I'm going to try," he whispered to the air. "I'll do it for you." Slowly he stood and gave a slight bow to the graves. "I'll always remember you, my friends. Always."
And with that, Hiei turned and walked away to begin life once again.
"Our life is made by the death of others."—Leonardo da Vinci
"Never, ever, ever, quit."—Winston Churchill
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A/N: You like?