You take a deep breath as you watch him pass by. Every step he takes is almost magical in nature- you can't help but feel a bit overwhelmed at just how attractive you find him. At how he makes you come undone by just walking past you. It's almost breathtaking- the amount of sheer energy that radiates off him as he gives you a passing glance out of the corner of his eye, wondering why it is you're watching him in such a way.
You are never one to publicly show the nature of your relationship with your brother- it has honestly never crossed your mind once to show the least bit of affection in public. But you watch him talk with others his age- you watch just how angry and just how passionate he gets when he is determined to make something work. You watch how his friends listen to him, how he relishes in the attention. You can't help but want him in every way possible- he is the opposite of you in so many ways. You approach him when he finishes his discussion and wrap your arms around his waist, causing him to flinch and look at you confused. You realize what you are doing rather quickly and let go of him, turning away to try and hide the red rushing to your face.
You can't help but feel a bit disappointed that he walked away after that little incident.
The next time you slip up is during one of Meenah's many parties. Everyone's dancing and drunk, and you wont admit until later on in your life that you were completely wasted. You remember seeing Karkat dancing with another; possibly Cronus's brother. You remember wrapping your arms around his waist and pulling him away, pressing your bodies flush together. You remember just how warm it was at that fleeting moment, and how much you wished that the heat and ecstasy would last. You don't remember much else, just waking up the next morning with an ugly bruise on your cheek and a broken ego.
You wonder sometimes whether or not your brother loves you the way you love him. If he experiences the same undeniably pity that runs through your veins and makes you want to throw away everything you've made for yourself since the day you were hatched. You wonder if being around you makes him forget that he's an outcast. You wonder if he wants to be close to you and wants to love you. But sometimes, you also wonder whether or not he even cares a bit. Those hot passion filled nights, did they mean nothing to him? Were they just there to fill the void left behind by his failed attempts at securing a true relationship? Were you just a fill in, were you disposable?
You try to convince yourself no. You try to remember he's just in his bratty years and means nothing by the way he jerks away from your in public or by his rude demeanor. You try and tell yourself the Karkat that you see behind closed doors is the real Karkat- that the one he presents to everyone else is just a façade he created to protect himself from harm. Just like you did…
You wake up one night to see him crawling out of his makeshift bed at the other side of your shared room. You have to question why he decided not to sleep with you anymore… Could it have something to do with how his friends told him stories about how wrong incest was? Could it be that they caught on before he did, and told him how you felt? Maybe Eridan had found out from his brother… You couldn't figure out who to dark thoughts started to rise in your mind again and you tried to fake sleep. He noticed and stopped just short of your own bed, and spoke with such an edge it nearly made you cringe.
"Why the fuck do you feel like we're in some sort'a relationship? You're my brother, that's fucking disgusting"
Your eyes widen as you realize you're the one at fault. You're the one to make Karkat push you away. It's all your fault. You try to keep your eyes from watering as you look down and away from him, sinking a bit into the blankets. You watch him roll his eyes and walk away, and you cant help but question if it's for good.
The second he leaves you feel the tears begin to fall and you swear to yourself that it wont last long. One minute, two… ten. Twenty. They kept falling and you knew you couldn't do anything to stop them. You missed the warmth, the passion, the bitterness in each touch you shared with your dear Karkat. You wanted to hold him and to love him, you wanted him to know just how much you cared about his well being and his happiness.
You wanted to make him smile. You wanted to be the one to make him drop the act, to make him come around and see the world wasn't out to get him. You wanted to be the one to claim him as your lover and to make sure he woke up every morning with the most pleasant dreams and fell asleep with the best memories.
You didn't want to be… disgusting. You want to be normal- you wished time and time again that you two weren't related, just so the world would have an easier time accepting your relationship.
Months pass and you try and forget Karkat. You try and forget those passion filled nights where you both forgot who the other were. You try and forget that he was your brother and just how much you loved him and cared for him. You manage to at least push them far enough away where you can carry on in your life. Until he shows up at your door one day, begging for forgiveness in his own, unique, harsh way.
You cant even dare to say no to the tears in his eyes. You pull him into a hug and you tell him everything's ok. That you understand you're broken and wrong and not even worth the gazes he gives you.
You expect a smart ass response from him like normal. What you don't expect is a kiss. You don't expect to feel his body flush against yours or the deep, fiery passion in which he kisses you with.
But even if you don't expect it, that doesn't mean you don't crave it. As he drags you to your room, you smile a bit and pull him into another gentle, chaste kiss. You sigh softly against his lips words that almost go unheard.
"I love you Karkat…"
You're shocked when he simply lays by you and smiles a bit, shoving you in the shoulder. "Love you too dumbass"
You think you could handle a few more slips if it meant laying with the one you loved so passionately.