Hamlet Abridged- Episode 2: Spaced Out on Sensation
Characters
Hamlet: Sexy and insane Prince of Denmark.
Ophelia: The lady
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Minor characters that people remember for some reason.
Polonius: A walking pun.
Gertrude: The other and less attractive lady.
Claudius: Definately didn't kill the king.
Random Actor 1 and 2: {insert funny joke}
Horatio: Gets hotter by the second
Laertes: The joke is that he isn't even Italian. He's Greek.
Steve the Great Messenger: Number 09 of the 13 Great Messengers and master of the Dead Moon Technique.
(Laertes, Polonius, and Ophelia at a shipyard)
Laertes: (In an Italian accent, this will apply for the rest of his lines) Papa, I am-a so happy that Im-a going to college!
Polonius: Yes, yes, just remember not to talk to girls, focus on your studies, always eat breakfest, never take a survey on the Internet, and NEVER sing anything from the 70's and or 80's that applies to the situation you're in. Trust me, it isn't funny, nyeh heh heh
Laertes: Ok, papa, I'm-a leaving now. Try not to hide behind the curtains while I'm gone.
Polonius: Hah hah, you're such a kidder, nyeh heh heh {inner monologue: He must never know}
(Laertes sails away)
Laertes: (Singing)I'm-a, sailiiiing awaaay!
Polonius: Godamnit, Laertes what did I just say!
Ophelia: I do hope he'll be alright
Polonius: Oh, hello, Ophelia. Tell me, why so quiet, nyeh heh heh?
Ophelia: I'm just thinking about Hamlet and-
Polonius: Well stop it, nyeh heh heh
Ophelia: Oh, well, that's going to be difficult. He is the sexiest man in Denmark after all and his butt is simply too enticing
Polonius: Now, Ophelia-
Ophelia: Booty, booty, booty, rockin' everywhere, rockin' everywhere, rockin' everywhere
Polonius: (long pause) Godamnit, Ophelia
(inside the main hall with Claudius and Steve the Great Messenger and Polonius)
Claudius: So I'm like, "Bitch, I make the dough, quit trippin' "
Polonius: Hoes need to learn their place, nyeh heh heh
Claudius: Don't call me wife a hoe!
Polonius: But you just-
(enter Steve)
Steve: Excuse me, sirs!
Claudius: Hmm, what?
Steve: I'm here to continue the Forinbras subplot!
Claudius: Ah, yes (hands Steve a letter) make sure Fortinbras gets this letter stating that he can cross from Denmark from Poland, since we forgot to establish that in the previous episode.
Steve: Of course! I, Steve the Great Messenger and number 09 of the 13 Great Messengers, shall continue this subplot!
(Steve exits)
Claudius: God speed!
(enter Ophelia)
Ophelia: OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!
Polonius: What is it, my dear, nyeh heh heh?
Ophelia: Nothing, I'm just EXTREMELY horny!
Claudius: Godamnit, we didn't need to know that!
Ophelia: So I was in my room and then-
Claudius: I said we don't need to know!
Ophelia: Hey, if I don't tell someone what happened then I'm gonna finger myself 'till the cows come home!
Claudius: (long pause) You should really get out more
Ophelia: I'm a teenage girl who has to wear impractical dresses 3 times bigger than my bodyweight and can't do anything without a man, thus I'm horny to a default.
Polonius: Please just get on with it.
Ophelia: Alright, I remember it like it was only a few minutes ago
(cuts to Ophelia in her room)
Ophelia Narrarating: I was just in my room when Hamlet just showed up
Ophelia: Oh, hey Hamlet
Hamlet: (takes off his shirt and walks briskly towards Ophelia)
Ophelia: {inner monologue: yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes}
Hamlet: Now tha law says you cannot touch, but I reckon I see a couple lawbreakers in here
Ophelia: (swoons)
Hamlet: You don't want to know what I have to do for twenties
Ophelia: (swoons)
Hamlet: Um, Channing Tatum
Ophelia: (swooning intensifies)
(cut to Ophelia back in the main hall)
Ophelia: And then he started biting his lip, and told me to call him slut, (voice begins to trail off) and then he took off his pants, and he took out a cucumber shaped object and ordered-
Claudius: Aw, Jesus, enough!
Polonius: That will be all Ophelia, nyeh heh heh
(exit Ophelia)
Polonius: Sir, I've been worried about Hamlet's mental state
Claudius: Hmm, your right, especially after that stunt he pulled yesterday
(cuts to Claudius looking a wall spraypainted with the phrase "Claudius is a dork")
Claudius: Now thats just rude
(cuts back)
Claudius: Perhaps Hamlet is loverstricken with Ophelia. I know! We should arrange a meeting between them and-
Polonius: HIDE IN THE CURTAINS!
Claudius: (pause) Umm, sure. But first we should introduce some important minor characters!
(enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)
Rosencrantz:(in a Brooklyn accent) Did someone say important minor characters?
Guildenstern: Dah, wouldn't that make us main characters, boss?
Rosencrantz: (hits Guildenstern over the head) Can it, ya knuckle head.
Polonius: Ah, I see they're not making a Beavis and Butthead joke, nyeh heh heh
Rosencrantz: Nah, LittleKuriboh already used that joke. So whaddya want, bossman
Claudius: I need you 2 to spy on Hamlet and find out why he's acting so crazy
Rosencrant: Nadda problem, bossman, we's gonna be like a couple of Shelock Holmes'
Guildenstern: Dah, does dat mean we get to go in the police box?
Rosencrantz: That's Doctor What, you nimrod!
Claudius: Don't you mean Doctor Who?
Rosencrantz: What?
Claudius: No, it's Who
Guildenstern: That's my favorite drink
Polonius: This joke is going to get really old, isn't it?
Claudius: Yup
(enter Hamlet)
Hamlet: 'Sup, bitches
Claudius: Ah, Hamlet, look who's here
Hamlet: Yeah, I see a walking pun, the king of dickbags, and a Scratch and Grounder rip-off
Claudius: First of all: fuck you, second of all: that last one was accurate but pretty obscure, and third of all: I'm leaving.
(Claudius and Polinius exit)
Rosencrantz: Heya, Hammy boy, long time no see
Guildenstern: (quickly) Why are you insane!?
Rosencrantz: Guildy, ya moron!
Hamlet: So, you really wanna know?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Yes
Hamlet: Well, I'm not telling
Rosencrantz: But why?
Hamlet: That's the thing about people. They can say anything they want but never really mean it. By the way, let everyone know that I've hired an acting troupe and that there will be a show later. Let Claudius know especially.
(Hamlet begins to leave but stops)
Hamlet: What a piece of work mankind is, huh?
(exit Hamlet)
Guildenstern: Woah, didya see that, boss? He just quoted somethin' from the original work!
(Hamlet enters into the courtyard where he meets Actor 1)
Hamlet: Ah, glad to see your here
Actor 1: You wanted to see me?
Hamlet: Ah, yes (hands Actor 1 some papers) I've altered a few lines. I hope you don't mind.
Actor 1: But we were supposed to do the Rocky Horror Picture Show!
Hamlet: Yes, "were" being the keyword in that senetence. But NOW I'm paying you to act this out.
Actor 1: Fine, but can you and I at least sing "TIme Warp"?
Hamlet: No, just do as I-
Actor 1: (singing "Time Warp") In another dimension
With voyeuristic intention.
Well secluded I see all...
With a bit of a mind flip...
You're into a time slip...
And nothing can ever be the same.
You're spaced out on sensation.
Hamlet: Like you're under sedation!
Actor 1 and Hamlet: Let's do the Time Warp again!
Hamlet: Ok, that was actually pretty fucking cool.
(In the theater. Hamlet and Horatio sitting to the left of Claudius and Gertrude)
Horatio: So what was the the point of all this again?
Hamlet: Well you see, my very well toned friend, I've altered the play to where it'll act out how my father was killed. If Claudius even so much as breaks a sweat then I'll be on him quicker than an IGN employee on a bribe.
Horatio: Are the alterations subtle?
Hamlet: As subtle as I am straight.
(play begins as Actor 1 lays sleeping on the floor while Actor 2 stands over him)
Actor 2: Hah hah! I, the evil Flaudius, shall ear-poison my brother and king of Shenmark, King Camlet!
(Actor 2/Flaudius ear-poisons Actor 1/King Camlet)
Horatio: Huh
(Claudius looks nervously)
Hamlet: Ah, look at Claudius! He's either popped a boner or he ear-poisoned my father.
Claudius: Ok, stop, no more of this!
(play stops)
Gertrude; Honey, what's wrong
Hamlet: Yeah, daddy, what ever seems to be wrong?
Claudius: I,uh,erm. (panicked) I HAVE A MASSIVE ERECTION!
(everyone stares while Claudius leaves)
Random Audience Member: (after a long pause) Can you guys sing "Sweet Transvestite"?