Forever Yours

by krizue

He left to protect her, but what was on his mind that first month after going away? "No I couldn t be selfish again, even if the pain was swallowing me, she deserved happiness, and my misery was a fair price to pay, for her to be ok" Edward on New Moon

Hello!!

This is a little something that popped in my mind while listening to a song from my favorite band…

I hope you enjoy it…

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Forever Yours

Fare thee well, little broken heart
Downcast eyes, lifetime loneliness

I saw her eyes losing their brightness, felt how the rhythm of her heart changed drastically and heard the anguished cry of pain; I wanted to go back, to hold her and confess it was a lie, but how could she believe that I don't love her, adore her? But I ran, ran and ran; my mind a blur, every superlative feeling the pain, mine because I just left my everything, my reason for existence; and hers oh! Hers how was I capable of hurting her so?

I reached my house, my parents house, - not longer mine, not my home, for she wasn't there and was not coming back- to see my pixie like sister waiting for me in the steps of the porch, looking pained, the dry sobs shaking her whole little frame. "Please don´t" I said before she could say anything, I walked past her to my room, I grabbed the bottle cap that was my first token of my lovely Bella, the first time we had lunch together, I also grabbed a few random things she had left around, all while ignoring my sister, that was looking at me, screaming in her mind "how could you?" her reproach made me wince "I love her!!" she sat down on my couch, if looks could kill…."I…Jazz; we're sorry; and I… I need her, just like Jasper, I saw her, she is part of my life; I….Edward" Her voice broke at the last words and she hugged me.

I explained how she wasn't allowed to see her, look for her future, or anything related to my Bella; to Bella, she was not longer mine. After explaining things to Carlisle –and he wasn't happy about the situation, but as always he respected the other's decisions- I ran as fast as I could, fast, far, far away from Forks, from my life, from the sole source of happiness; I was back to the darkness, but this time was worse, before I saw some light, now there was no ray, no shine, nothing.

I found myself in Canada; but it wasn´t far enough, I couldn't escape myself; my mind arguing my stupidity, showing me her pain, her dumbstruck face, her broken illusion, her eyes dark, and her tear strained cheeks. But I did it for her, I'm dangerous, a hazard and my beautiful, breakable, innocent Bella deserves so much more, more than a soulless, bloodthirsty beast, and she was young, she would find someone good for her, right for her.

Bella with someone else?? NO!! I stopped in mid run; she was mine, she couldn't be with someone else, No! Anguish, pain deception; no! Yes, yes she deserves it, she deserves to be happy, and she deserves to have a real boyfriend, to hold, to kiss, NO!! I mangled several trees that were around, somebody else touching her…agony. Yet I am a monster, and she is a human, I'm not right for her, I left for her to have a life have no right to be jealous.

Too close to Alaska, no I couldn´t go there, to meet my extended family, no, I needed to be alone; so again I ran, this time down the continent; my mind reeling, the jealousy to big to swallow; blind red rage, and I couldn't do anything but imagine a faceless man hugging and kissing her, and I wanted to cry.

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

And that would be her future, she , such an amazing creature had to find happiness, while I was going to keep surviving, feeding on the memories of the best months of my long existence, because no one else, ever, not even her parting from this world –and then I would soon follow; there was just no way of staying in earth if she didn't exist- no one, no one would have an ounce of her appeal, no one would fill her place, no one could.

Her smile, her warm brown eyes, her thundering heart and her lovely blush, in this midst of self-hatred –seeing, realizing my bad, all the wrong I inflicted on her- I thanked how my brain could save every detail, I was never going to forget her clumsiness or the gorgeous timber of her voice.

And I wondered, while I pictured her perfection, for she is always there, my mind worked around her image, both her happy face, and the broken girl I left behind –I cringe at the image- if I should go back, after all I couldn't exist without her, there was naught in the world without my love, but I had to be strong, for her, had to stay away, and return all what wasn't mine to take, her kisses, her warmth, all I stole from her, her youth, the possibility of making friends, to have a healthy relationship. Far from the doom my presence allowed, free form danger, free to live.

No I couldn´t be selfish again, even if the pain was swallowing me, she deserved happiness, and my misery was a fair price to pay, for her to be o.k. I wouldn't be a coward; I would endure my punishment for breaking the heart of the purest creature that ever set foot on earth.

Constant longing for the perfect soul
Unwashed scenery forever gone

In the days, weeks and months that passed, I really have no recollection of time passing, but I knew it did, for the weather changed, not that I really cared, but it reminded me of Bella's reaction to each passing season; I filled my inner turmoil with thought of her, even with some of the dirtiest fantasies Newton dared to think, I was a gentleman, -that was… I tried to be at least, because being in reality one, I wouldn't have allowed myself to hurt her- I was a gentleman, much more than the youth of this strange new century at least, a gentleman, but still a man, a teenager man.

And how easy would be to run to her, I would beg on my knees if necessary for her to accept me back, and then I would be able to hold her close to me, to feel the burn in my throat.

Hate….irritation….would time ever pass?? And I hated myself even more than I did before her, her, Bella, my lovely Bella

But I made a promise, she would have a happy fulfilling life, and I wasn't welcome in that scenery, my presence meant the opposite, and for that I would suffer, I would burn thousands of times if necessary, everything to give her the opportunity to be free.

I would check on her in a couple of decades, to see her perfect, happy life, the one she deserved, to hear her laugh, and her heart from afar; and that would be enough to keep me going for another decade, and I would find a way to follow her after her death –the word sent unpleasant shivers through my body- or maybe not, because she would go to heaven like her precious soul deserved, and I to hell, to pay for all my sins, but one thing I knew for sure, the day death visited her, that day I would embrace the stake, and my body would be burnt, and my ashes would find a place by her side.

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

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The song is Forever yours by Nightwish

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