Disclaimer: I don't own Harry, I don't own Hermione, I don't own Ginny but I do own her cape, I don't own Neville, I don't own Dean, I don't own Seamus, I Don't own Dumbledore, I don't own Parvati, I don't own Draco (but I wish I did, he he he), I don't own Ronald and for those of you who actually like him be grateful. Because if I DID own him his life would be a world of pain. First I would stunt his growth by feeding him ONLY potato chips and ONLY every third day so he would be a midget with a nose longer than his……. Big toe….  I would chain his left arm to my right ankle and throw away the key BOW DOWN TO ME!!!! MWA HA HA HA! I would expose him to the sun as much as possible until his whole body is covered in freckles (oh wait his whole body is ALREADY covered in freckles), I would make him sit in a barrel of eels under every full moon with a toads liver wrapped around his throat in the hopes of curing his case of spattergoit when really I just want him to suffer!!!!!!!! Mwa ha ha ha oh the delicious concoctions of torture I would dream up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And furthermore I am proud to claim ownership on the diamond flavored pander and featherless chicken whom are both at this moment in my living room fighting over the remote with my pet 3 assed 4 antlered moose/squirrel.

Oh and dudes I'm looking for ppl who are interested in being in a multi-author fic. If your interested check out my other account hungry hamster or e-mail me or whatever….

(chinese_stargirl@yahoo.com) Xiexie (Chinese for 'thank you')

K well here is the first chapter… im not sure it's very funny but meh it's got lot's of Ron Bashing!

 Chapter 1- RONALD WEASLEY = GIT EXTROADINAIR!

Ronald Weasley was whistling 'Weasley is our king'. A song that in it's self was so incredibly annoying that it was enough to produce an unpleasant shiver up the spine. The fact that it was Ronald Weasley whistling was enough to give someone a most sever case of hives.

Ron didn't seem to notice however when poor Seamus (who had the unfortunate luck of being near bye) suddenly sprouted purple boils all over his body.  Ron was far too busy hitting the climax of the song having switched from whistling to a rather poor excuse for singing. He was just about to hit the high notes.

"RUN" someone shouted.

"HIDE," said another.

"KILL YOURSELVES" screamed several others.

He finished off his song with a little shout of 'yo ho ho and a bottle of firewhisky' at which point a dozen or so people expressed their wish's to consume 6 bottles of firewhisky each so that they could be in an alcohol induced stupor for the rest of their lives.

"Yes but that won't make it better when it's cold and your alone in your bed at night and than the whistling starts in your head and no matter what you do it just won't stop…. It just won't stop," sobbed a small voice coming from a small child (I suspect he was one of the creevy crew). He was rocking back and forth both palms pressed firmly against his ears as if he were trying to block an unheard sound that was obviously rather revolting.

It seemed that suddenly Ronald was pulled out of his reverie of important thoughts consisting of 'I'm hungry', 'I like food' and 'I'm too sexy for my shorts, yeah!'.  He looked blankly around the common room at the other students who were in various states of shock and unrest.

Seamus was passed out cold on the stone floor (possibly dead or so Colin Creevy claimed) as were all the first and second years who were as of yet still rather vulnerable to Ronald Weasley having not been around him for very long. Dean was against the wall hitting his head quite hard in fact every couple of seconds and apparently talking to someone Ron couldn't see telling them to 'make it stop'.

"Did someone die or something?" Ron asked rather bluntly and pompously, as he was a rather blunt pompous git.

"I wish I was dead," a third year girl moaned. A few others nodded in agreement. Ron made a mental to tell somebody about the sudden manic depression seemingly gripping most of the Gryffindor House. But of course Ronald completely forgot that mental note a minute later for no alternative reason other than because Ronald Weasley is the epitome of dumb.

"Well I'm Head boy" he said puffing out his chest so that all could see his glittering badge, however doing so emitted gasps and giggles all around the room. This was due to the fact that when Ronald Weasley poked out his chest in that manner it was clear to see he was wearing a rather lacy and rather effeminate bra underneath his sweater. Ronald took no notice of course (ever being the oblivious sod) and polished his Head Boy badge for the kazillionth time that day.

"I propose we hold a sing along to cheer everyone up, I will start if you all like…" He opened his mouth to sing but stopped abruptly and blinked rather stupidly. It had taken him a few moments to realize that he was now the only person left in the common room.

"Ah well", he shrugged and sat down in an armchair all the while admiring his reflection in a mirror attached to the back of his hand.

"R-R-R-Ron-n-n-n" stammered a very nervous looking Hermione. She was wringing her hands anxiously giving a start every time she looked over her shoulder and caught a glimpse of her shadow.

"Yes Hermione, have you come to hear about how in first year I stopped he-who-must-not-be-named from stealing the philosophers stone?"

"W-W-W-ell n-no" Hermione stuttered in reply. She ran a hand through her thinning hair and pulled out a decent sized clump as she went.

"Ok than you must want to her about how I saved my sister from a basilisk and an evil younger form of Tom riddle in second year"

"N-N-Not Quite"

"Oh I know, you want to know how I saved the innocent convict Sirius Black from 100 dementors in 3rd year?"

"errr N-n-nooo"

"Oh I see well you want to hear all about my fourth year when I was a triwizard champion and ultimately ended up facing he-who-must-not-be-named in a duel and was able to escape than?"

"l-l-look Ron I…."

"OH now I see, you want to hear all about how I went to the department of mysteries by myself last year and fought about 100 death eaters and faced He-who-must-not-be-named again"

"Honestly Ron if your going to take credit for what Harry does at least get it right" Hermione snapped "Harry did not face 100 death eaters by himself we were all there and it was more like 20 death eaters, nor did he face Voldermort you twat so get it right" she looked quite frightened about what she had said and once again reverted to being scared and meek looking another bunch of hair falling out.

"Oh right" Ron said shrugging his shoulders.

"W-what I w-want is, I.. I.. I.. mean I w-w-would r-rather like my b-b-bra back Ron"

"Oh" Ron had the good grace to blush. He took it off without even taking his jumper off and handed it to Hermione without an explanation as to why he was wearing it in the first place.

"A-A-And my f-frilly K-kn-knickers too R-Ron"

"What frilly Knickers, I don't see any frilly knickers" He looked around anxiously and got up to see if anyone had been listening. Oddly enough he made an odd rustling sound when he walked and was that a frill hanging out the back of his pants?

Hermione just made an odd 'eep' kind of noise and scuttled off having realized that she only had 2 years in which to study for her p-e-s-t examination ('people who exceedingly study treacherously' exam).

Ron didn't even notice that she left, instead he strutted out of the room or rather he attempted to strut but rather ended up with a new form of mincing complete with hip wiggling, prancing, waving and blowing kisses. Once the fat ladies portrait shut behind him the room was abuzz with commotion.

"Break out the butterbeer!" Neville cried.

"Someone go down to the kitchens and nick some food!" Dean called as he danced a jig on a table. There were several other orders given and requests made.

"Someone get a dart board and Pin Weasley's face to it!" Ginny cried getting carried away with all the excitement. Everyone paused and looked at her.

"What" she said shrugging "Just cause I'm his sister doesn't mean I don't know that he's the biggest prat in the world. In fact I have been trying to carry out intensely complex and wonderfully horrible plans of torture and murder him since I was three years old"

Everyone blinked simultaneously.

"I knew it was you who put a basilisk in his pajama bottoms… I knew it but I didn't believe it!" Neville whispered looking at her wide-eyed.

"Well yeah, all you need for a Basilisk is a chicken egg and a toad……"

"Trevor has been missing for two months!" Neville cried.

"Ginny that's evil!" Parvati alleged.

 Ginny threw back her head and let out a loud evil laugh.

"MWA HA HA HA FOOLS! AND NOW MY PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION IS NEARLY COMPLETE!" there was a bang and Ginny was dressed in a tight black leather bodice complete with whip and fishnet stockings and a long black velvet cape like a vampires. She smiled and her rather large canine teeth were clearly visible as well as a dribble of something red leaking down from her crimson lips, staining her porcelain skin.

"SO LONG MORTALS" she cried and with a scream of mirth she burst into a million tiny black winged creatures and flew towards the nearest window. Everyone in the room cringed at the sound of a million little thuds as the bats hit the still closed window. They melted together and Ginny appeared back on the ground. She turned to face everyone again her hair in disarray.

"Right we will just forget about that little incident shall we?" She turned opened the window and burst into evil laughter again.

"DIE FOOLS" and there were the bats again and they swept out of the room leaving a dark feeling of an impending doom behind them.

"Well….. That was weird" Parvati said.

"Yeah it was" Lavender replied. "So who's for punch?" and like nothing happened at all music was playing people were laughing and Dobby the house elf was doing a rather offensive naked pole dance for an amused looking Pansy Parkinson who some reason was in the Gryffindor common room.

Meanwhile someplace other than a place where anyone else was. Harry Potter sat plotting against Ronald Weasley.

"He stoled it" he whimpered. "He stoled it my precious he stoled it and now he must pay" he pulled out a home bomb kit from his robes and rubbed his hands gleefully. It wasn't very commonly known (as Dumbledore had been covering up all evidence since Harry was born) but Harry potter was somewhat of a pyromaniac. In fact he was so obsessed with blowing things up that he had gallons of gunpowder imported from china daily (thanks to one of Cho's relatives). And oh how he plotted against the little weasel faced toad known as Weasley the red nut freckle assed Weasel. Actually it was hard to come by anyone at Hogwarts who hadn't enacted a plan to kill Ronald Weasley at one time or another even Dumbledore himself had tried to feed him a poisonous lemon drop. But the little slimy git kept slithering his way out of trouble.

Anyway back to Harry's latest plan.

He pulled a muggle chocolate out of his pocket known only as a 'kinder surprise' and oh what a surprise would Ronald get when he bit into the tasty delicious chocolate egg expecting to find a little plastic toy inside and instead BOOM! Harry chuckled to himself.

"He stoled it the little fat weasel and now weasel will die" he whispered and than suddenly his face took on another shape he was more innocent….

"But Weasel is my friend" he whispered.

His eyes narrowed.

"You don't have any friends precious Potter" He snarled at himself.

"Dobby's my friend" he replied innocently.

"Dobby's a f****** tool who is having it off with Pansy Parkinson behind your back" the evil part of him growled. Both Harry's shuddered.

"Weasel must die!"

Author adds: I'm thinking of bringing out a new series called 'a boy and his pet toad'. I think more attention must be brought to the beautiful love story between Neville Longbottom and his pet toad Trevor. Trevor has been somewhat of a comfort for me during those long hours of hardcore reading when things get a little ruff for the Harry Potter gang and poor Neville's feeling down I always feel better when I know that Trevor will be there to greet him when he get's home. In fact Trevor is the only reason I read the Harry Potter books, every time I see his name printed on a pale white page it is all I see. Forget any other name TREVOR is all I know, all I need to see. Yes I feel it is my duty to put the long and complicated love story of Neville and Trevor down on paper the first of the series will be 'a boy and his toad- How Neville met Trevor' than perhaps 'you count my warts and ill count yours- growing up with Trevor' and than 'The flies in the sky's don't compare to your beady little eyes- Trevor and Teendom' I'm not sure how many I will write but I can see them now, the plotlines are forming! This could be the series of the century nay the series of ETERNITY!!!!!!!!

Oh and stay tuned for the next chapter which I hope will be better and will prominently feature TREVOR! Who else?

Cheers magicmonkemilk