Teh Insane-ness!
Yersh, you heard me right, mah spoons! Mah fascinating Lord of the Rings story that has held countless riveted to their computer screens has been... drum roll... rewritten! gasp
Now, who's the greatest author in the world? Who do you all love? Who will you give any and all sugar you happen to have in your posession? That's right, puny mortals, COTUME! PH33R M3!
DISCLAIMER:
Nope. No owning Middle-Earth here. If I owned Middle-Earth, would I be sitting in front of a computer screen, going through sugar withdrawal, and making little sig banners all day? Nooooo! I'd be outside in the sunshine and flowers, with several shexah male Elves hanging on my every word and fulfilling my every whim, traveling the wonderful shnazzah-ness that is Arda and taking many many pictures with a digital camera I wish I had.
Sorry for all the line breaks. I have no other way to space my paragraphs. If anyone can help me with this, please tell me. All these new features around here are, well, new to me.
Summary:
Same old, same old. Girl gets yanked into Middle Earth by The Powers That Be. Only... in this case, The Powers That Be turn out to be a myserious figure and a talking cat.
It has nothing to do with Norway, it has nothing to do with beginnings, it has everything to do with pain.
Oh, the humanity.
The credits roll...
CowSheep Productions presents...
Norway: The Beginning
By Cotume of Doriath
Once upon a time, there was a little girl. Well, not exactly little. Okay, so she was rather big. In fact she was a teenager of the dreaded race. The race that causes mothers to hide their children, babies to scream, and canons to run for whatever cover happens to be nearby in their respective fandoms. Yes, my friends... she was a fangirl.
Now, before you stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes, and run screaming to hide under your covers, let me tell you that this is the remarkable story of how this particular fangirl was whisked away to a world completely unlike her own, presented with countless dangers, and still managed to scare and/or annoy everyone near her half to death. How, you say, is this possible? That is the mystery of the fangirl. I leave you to draw your own conclusions as this tale of untold horror is laid before your eyes.
Let us begin.
Erika sat in a tree, humming vaguely to herself and wondering how much more boring the day could get. Because of her naturally fangirlish nature, her thoughts eventually, as they always did, wound themselves in a long thread around the world of Middle-Earth and finally came to rest upon her very favorite subject- Legolas.
Maaaaaaaaaan, started the evil side of her brain, That Elf is hoooooooot... I mean really. Think melted chocolate...
"Not listening!" squealed Erika and clapped both hands over her ears.
Of course, this doesn't really help when it is your brain that is talking to you. The thoughts continued.
Think what would happen if you could convice him to play Strip Poker, the evil side said to her, You've always been good at card games...
"EGADS! Is my own brain out to get me in trouble?" Erika yelled.
Unfortunately, it appears so, piped up another part of her brain.
Oh, shut up, you, said the evil side to the good side.
"Oh, craptacular," said Erika, "Most people get shoulder angels. I get various brain bits."
I'm just trying to help you! said the good side of her brain.
Yeah, well, she doesn't need your help, you tater, sniggered the evil side, I'm the only side of her brain she'll ever need.
There was the sound of someone running away crying and a door slamming.
"Ooooookaaaaaayy..." said Erika, "Now I'm definitely going insane."
Muahahahahaha, laughed the evil side, It's just you and me now, kiddo.
"AHHHHH!" Erika shrieked and fell out of the tree.
"mmpghh.." said a voice from beneath her.
"Oh my gosh! I fell on someone!" Erika exclaimed, jumping up.
Swift move, slick. said her evil half of the brain.
"Shut up! Are you alright?" she said as she stood up and looked down at the unfortunate person on the ground.
The figure pulled itself to its feet and glared at Erika.
"Who're you telling to 'shut up'?" it demanded.
"Hooooooly... ship! You're a talking cat!"
"I think I know what I am. I asked you a question!"
"Uh.. umm.." stammered Erika, "Just... A thought I had."
"Great," the cat said, rolling its eyes, "I got stuck with a loony who talks to her brain."
"I do not!" Erika said.
You liar, smirked the evil side.
"I'll deal with you later..." she muttered.
"Hem, hem." said the cat in some irritation.
"GYAH! UMBRIDGE!" shrieked Erika and collapsed to the ground.
The cat walked over to her and prodded her not-too-gently with its foot.
"Get up, you git." it said in tones of pure distain.
"Is she gone?" Erika whimpered.
"Who?"
"The freaky lady! Nasty Ministry spies, yes my precious... all her fault... Padfoot not dead, no precious, not at all... gollum gollum."
The cat sat upright and folded its front leg- arms.
"When you're finished getting in touch with your inner Gollum, please do feel free to come back to earth," it said.
Erika sat up with difficulty and cracked her neck.
Ow. Don't do that again, came her evil brain, What was that- A case of Umbridge-itis?
"GYAH!" Erika shrieked again and fell over, "DON'T SAY THE NAME!"
"I didn't say anything-" the cat began.
Dolores Jane Umbridge, Dolores Jane Umbridge! shouted her evil side in glee as Erika squealed in pain.
"SNAP OUT OF IT, YOU TWIT!" a voice yelled.
Erika snapped up and sat at attention. The cat seemed pleased and continued on smugly.
"I've been told to inform you that it has been decided that you are to go on a trip for Her amusement."
Erika's eyes glazed over as she struggled to figure out what that meant.
"You will have approxamately ten minutes to gather any belongings you wish to take. Your destination is not to be revealed beforehand, so you will have no knowledge of where you are being sent. The voyage is of unknown duration but you will return shortly after you left in this time so as to avoid any unpleasant questions, thus assuring future amusement."
Erika caught the last few phrases of the speech as she came out of her near-trance, "Wait, what? Who's amusement?"
"That is not for me to divulge," the cat informed her, "Rest assured that if it becomes necissary for you to know, She will tell you."
"'She'?" Erika questioned, "'She' who? What's going on?"
"Your ten minutes begin... now."
"Huh?"
Erika, you git, RUN! Get your stuff NOW! We're going somewhere! the good half of her brain stormed in.
Aw, you ruined it, said the evil half, It woulda been funny to see how long it took for her to catch on.
You're supposed to be helping her! the good half groaned, No wonder she always has the look of a hamster on crack! With only half a brain, it's a wonder she can find the tea!
Erika frowned in mid-run, "What'dya mean 'hamster on crack'?"
"Pardon me?" the cat inquired politely.
ERIKA! Shut up and get your stuff! shouted the good half.
Yeah, let us do the bitchin'- I mean thinking, chimed in the evil half.
In a few minutes, Erika was in her bedroom, feverishly tossing things into a backpack.
"CD player... pocket knife... 'Haldir Lives' shirt..."
Are you really going to need that? her good side said worriedly.
Shut up and let the girl pack! said the evil half, This could be a window into her madness!
You mean you? said the good half sarcasticly.
Ooh, the bitch is gettin' good. smirked the evil half.
"Shut up, both of you! I'm trying to think! Um... Will I need the Silmarillion?"
No, you idiot! said the good side, Pack food!
"Umm.. OK... Little Red Book..."
D'oh.
"Pencils, paper, extra batteries... Ballpoint pen!"
Why on earth are you packing all this useless stuff! shrieked her good side.
Hush! Hush! This is funny! said the evil side.
"Please! Both of you!" Erika cried in frustration, "Jeans... clean shirts... a skirt... Just need to pull on boots..."
She had just shoved her last boot on and was shoving her sneakers and some clean socks into the backpack when a loud voice boomed from all corners of the room.
"Please remain calm and keep a firm grip on all belongings to be transported. Departure in five... four..."
"Wait! What's going on?" Erika yelled.
GRAB THE BACKPACK, GIT! the good half shrieked.
This is it, peeps! said the evil side, Let's go!
"...two... one."
The room melted and Erika was falling. Colors and strange shapes swirled past her.
"Better hold onto that bag," said the cat cheerfully and melted away.
Erika had just enough time to finish forcing the zipper closed and to grab her hat as it flew away from her head before she hit something hard and everything went black.
When she woke up she found that she was lying on something soft.
"ow... What was that? Where am I?" she said to no one in particular.
She looked around and saw that she had landed on a large pile of leaves and that she was currently in a forest. Where she was standing, light was coming down through the leaves above, but elsewhere it was dark and creepy-looking.
"Urgh. Teh spooky," she sniffed, "Why did I have to get sent to a place like this? Why couldn't it have been like the Caribbean or something? Where am I, anyway?"
But these questions went unanswered, so she sat down again and looked through her backpack. The only food she had managed to pack in those ten minutes were some rather squashed bannanas and sandwiches, a large bag of tortilla chips, and some teabags. She ate some of the chips and, after thinking vaguely that something to drink would be nice, pulled out a pen and started doodling on her hand. After she ran out of room to draw any further, she stood up again and looked around. It had gotten somewhat darker and it occurred to her that she had no idea where she was or where she was going to spend the night.
"Nyah... This sucks."
Well, yah. said the evil side of her brain suddenly.
"Dood... you've been quiet. I thought you were dead or summat."
No such luck, said the good side, I figured you could use some quiet, though.
"Humph. Any idea where we are?"
Nope.
Nah, none here.
"Blah. I suppose we should look around."
I don't know that that's such a good-
Yeah, go ahead.
Git.
Erika rolled her eyes and picked up her backpack. She picked the direction that seemed the least dark and overgrown and set out, singing the first song that popped into her head.
"You were everything, everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it. All of the memories so close to me just fade away. All this time you were pretending. So much for my happy ending."
It burnsss us! Make it stop!
Erika grinned evilly and sang even louder as she walked.
This is going to be a loooong trip.
Quite a while later, she stopped again.
"ARGH! I STILL have no idea where I am!" she yelled.
Might wanna be quiet, said the evil half nastily, You don't know who- or what... lives here.
"What?"
Stop that! said the good side, You're not helping!
I know.
Erika was getting increasingly nervous. She thought she heard something behind her and whirled around.
"Nothing..."
As far as you know.
"SHUT UP!" she shouted, "You're really not helping!"
Well, duuuh.
Erika looked around nervously and tried to stop thinking about things with far too many claws coming out of the bushes.
"Right."
She shook her head and started walking to her left.
"I wouldn't go that way," said a voice.
Erika froze.
"Did you hear that?" she whispered.
Yes..
"Drat.. I was hoping it was you," she said as quietly as she could.
After standing very still for several minutes, she turned and tried going right.
"Nor that way," came the voice promptly.
"GYAH!" Erika squealed in fright and cringed, "Please don't kill me, Mr, Nice Thing With Sharp Claws And Teeth! I'm allergic to pain!"
Laughter rang out from above her. It didn't... sound evil. She opened her eyes and chanced a look up. She couldn't see anything clear in the shadows above, but could make out vague movement. This didn't do much to put her at ease. Well, better to know what was going to kill her...
"Who's there? Come down here!" she said while trying to stop her teeth from chattering.
Whoever it was dropped out of the tree in front of her and came forward. Erika backed up ever so slightly. She could now see that it was a man. With long, light hair... carrying a bow and... Sweet Illuvatar, were those twin blades on his back? She reminded herself that drooling was rude.
"Right. Where am I?" she demanded, trying very hard not to stare.
He laughed again.
"I think it more fitting that the intruder explain his- or her, buisiness first," he smiled. Erika blinked and shook her head.
"What?" she said and could have slapped herself for it afterwards.
"I asked you to explain your presence here," he repeated and looked amused.
"Oh," she said, "No biggie. I just got dropped here by some insane talking cat for someone's amusement. Y'know.. swirling vortex, the whole nine yards," Her voice was starting to take on a more manic edge, "I just love switching universes for a laugh. Yeah, just like the Twilight Zone down at m-my house."
The man had stopped smiling and was starting to look concerned.
"Where the hell am I?" she said shakily.
He walked over to her and took her by the arm.
"There is nothing to fear," he said softly, "I will help you."
Erika yanked her arm away and backed up.
"Just tell me where I am! I can take care of myself," she said, suddenly scared again.
"You cannot stay out here by yourself," he said, "You are unarmed and it is dangerous here at night. Just come with me."
"Not until you tell me where I am and who you are!" she shouted, backing away again.
He looked at her, confused. "You do not know where you are? Then how did you get so far into the forest?"
"Just lucky, I guess.. Where am I?"
Author's Notes:
Not... intentionally a cliffhanger. I just haven't written any more.
Oh, don't act like you don't know exactly who this is and where they both are. Any decent rabid fangirl could tell you in an instant.
I have no idea when this story will update. Just... whenever I have a free moment to ramble. I've already had to take it down and put it back up and take it down and put it back up again, due to bad spelling and/or format mistakes.
Anywhosies, to buisness. CowSheep Productions is actually not my creation. It belongs to my muse Earnest, The Flying Cat. She is amazingly funny and often insires me to new heights of insanity. She also helped me with the title. It gave us quite a bit of trouble, let me tell you. Gack.
As for the title itself... don't ask. It has something to do with a play I did once. It had nothing to do with Norway, much like this story. We just decided to call it that. Because it sounds funny. I need to go now. Before I cannot type sentances longer than five words. Goodbye.