Well this is my first One Life To Live fanfic and it has been inspired by the most amazing pairing of John and Natalie I am a Jolie thru and thru and can't wait for the day when they finally come together! Anyway with that said this story is going to be pretty angsty but I have some fun scenes planned later as well and some drama and romance of course but this first chapter well... it's VERY angsty but I did it that way for a reason so hopefully ya'll will enjoy it and please let me know if you do!

When love beckons follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions May wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams

As the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you,

So shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth,

So is he for your pruning.

As they stood there in his room looking at each other she felt hope. He said before that he couldn't lose someone else he loves and she thought that meant something, "the something", that she had been waiting for, praying for. But now he looks at her with so much pain in his eyes and something else ... anger maybe? Whatever it is she won't accept that she is in this love alone, she can't.

She looks at him with all that she feels on her face plainly written there for the world to read or maybe not, maybe only him, only because he can read her like a book, he always has. Sometimes she hated that, but not tonight. Tonight he needs to know how deep this goes in her, that it's not just a crush or infatuation, that it's real and that she needs him and has always wanted him.

She can feel the electricity in the air between them it's always there, tonight she can taste it. And here she goes. He can deny it all he wants yet inside she feels the truth. So she says ...

"You love me John. I know you love me."

He wonders to himself how she can sound so sure when he himself doesn't even know. What gives her the confidence to believe that his heart is hers? He looks into her eyes and is drawn to her until he is close enough to touch her, which he does. He reaches out a hand and gently strokes her hair, lightly caresses her face. She is so beautiful. Then he hits his wall, the one that's always there the one that always stops him cold ... 'Man what are you doing! This is wrong. You can't have her, you DON'T want her. Make her leave. Make her believe that you don't love her. It's the only way'

Her heart had stopped beating the moment he touched her and she thought that this was the moment the truth would finally be spoken, but then she looks up and his eyes are so cold. His hand drops from her face and he steps away.

"Natalie I've tried to tell you this before but hurting you is never something I have been able to do. Now I have to set you straight. Honestly I care for you very much I always have and I believe that I always will, but there can never be anything between us. My feelings for you aren't like that. I want to be there for you to help whenever you need me but I can't give you what you need."

"But John ..."

"No Natalie" he yells, "I don't want to be with you there was a time when I thought that maybe ... but no not anymore I don't know why you won't except it but that's it. And us, whatever we are or were or whatever you think we could be, is never going to happen"

"Fine John" she begins her voice a little unsteady at the pain his words inflict, "If you want me to believe you and to finally drop this once and for all, than look me in the eyes and swear to me that you do not love me. If you can do that than I will walk away and I won't look back "

'Oh god Natalie what are you doing?' she thinks 'How can you walk away from him? Can you really live without him in your life?' But then she tells herself 'Don't worry about it! He won't say it, he can't say it because it's not true'

John stands there looking down at her and wonders if he can actually say those words to her. 'Of course you can there only words and besides your hurting right now Evangeline just left you and it is partly because of Natalie. Why shouldn't she feel some of your pain?'

All of a sudden, even from across the room she can feel his whole body tense and he walks over to where she is standing he takes her by the shoulders and looks deeply into her eyes and she thinks 'This is it, the moment I've dreamed of ' and then he says ...

"I do not love you Natalie. I never have felt anything more than guilt towards you because I got your husband killed and all of the pain that caused you I knew you needed someone and I knew what you felt so I was there. It was never anything more than that!"

He said it. Natalie can already sense the void within her. She doesn't feel like crying, she doesn't feel anything. She knows what heartbreak feels like she has felt it many times before, but this ... This was way beyond that, there were no words to explain the feeling of actually not feeling anything at all.

He lets her go and turns away not able to look in her face and see the anguish stamped in her eyes knowing that he put itthere. The hurt he sees there he believes will haunt him always. ' Just hold onto your anger Johnny boy and your pain just a little longer than she'll be gone for good and she'll never know the truth whatever it may be.'

"So do you believe me now Natalie? Can you finally accept the truth?"

Sadly she looks at him, still no tears, and she gives a half smile walking over to him she says "You may not love me but please don't ever forget that I do love you John and I have a feeling that you may always hold my heart. But I promised and I always keep my word so I guess this is ... Goodbye." She reaches up and places a chaste kiss on his cheek before she turns and runs out the door.

He was frozen. She had sounded so broken. He wanted to know how she could always make his heart stop with just a simple kiss the way she had just now? He uses every ounce of self control within his being to stop himself from running after her and undoing all that he had just done, but no, he was hurt and he wanted to know that he wasn't feeling this way alone. Though that may sound awful it was the truth and Natalie would get past it. She was tough, she'd said so many times. Besides she was better off without him in her life. Much better off.

The only problem now was ... What the hell wasHE going to do without HER in HIS life?

She's running down the stairs blindly. When she reaches the lobby she vaguely hears Roxy call out to her but she doesn't stop, she can't. Out the doors she continues and into the street still not slowing down. As long as she's running she won't think she can continue not feeling anything. But of course she has to stop and when she looks around she realizes that she is standing in Angel Square. And everything crashes around her, the pain closes in on her heart, the lump in her throat threatens to choke her and at last the tears start to fall unbidden down her checks. He doesn't love her and here she is again right on the threshold of happiness's door when yet again it is slammed in her face.

And this time she has no John to save her.

He sits quietly in the dark pondering his day. Wondering how he never suspected when he woke up this morning that by the time he was back in bed that night his entire world would be so different. Both of his women were gone. One relationship ended because he couldn't tell a lie. The other because he couldn't tell the truth.

And he wonders if she'll ever know how much he loves her?

So what do you think? Let me know!