I know I said ages ago I'd write some fics. Well, here's the first one. 'Tis my JD/Cox slash debut. Yay for me. :D
Not mine. Not now. Not ever.
My Pixie Juice
'Are you gonna drink that?'
JD looked up at the bartender with his trademark blank stare, lost in a world of living gargoyles. Apparently one of the gargoyles, tall, menacing and ruddy-faced, had just spoken to him.
'Imagine if you spouted beer instead of barkeep babble...' he mumbled, enjoying the associated image of Dr. Cox - his Perry - regurgitating scotch and looking decidedly unhappy about it. 'Mmm... free beer...
The bartender furrowed his brow. 'Not a chance, mister. You've been sitting there for the last thirty minutes staring at that thing. You gonna drink it, or what?'
The last 'what?' startled JD out of his reverie. He looked down at his full martini glass, noting that his face looked a little less blurry than usual. 'I don't know, Mr. Bartender. Lately, the old appletini just hasn't been doing it for me.'
'My name's Jerry, you ass,' muttered the bartender under his breath as he turned to wipe some glasses. 'Comes here damn near every day for five years 'n' he still don't know my name...'
'Hey, Mr. Bartender?' called out JD, causing Jerry to grit his teeth and turn around, plastering on a smile. 'What else can I have?'
'Whatever the hell you want, Dorian,' Jerry sneered, motioning to the rows of bottles against the wall. 'You drink, you pay, you hurl. The circle of life.'
JD scanned the bottles, looking for something that seemed heavy, while not too upsetting to the stomach. His eyes fell upon a glittery blue bottle filled with a translucent liquid.
'I'll have some of whatever that is,' he announced, pointing to it.
'"That," my pre-pubescent pisswater friend, is the finest Russian vodka this side of the Kremlin.' Jerry reached for the bottle and poured JD a shot. 'Containing just a hint of berry so as not to confuse it with lighter fluid. Takes your fancy?'
JD gazed at the shotglass as Jerry pushed it towards him. 'I liked the bottle.'
'Why am I absolutely not surprised?' asked Jerry, eying JD as he brought the glass to his lips. 'Cox was right. You are a girl.'
JD didn't answer, having drained the glass in one gulp. He shook his head violently for a second and stared at the glass as if it would spontaneously ignite, before managing to point to the blue bottle and choke out, 'Another!'
'I'll take that as a "Wow, I wish I'd discovered real liquor earlier,"' Jerry sniggered as he refilled the glass. JD could only watch, the blissful sensations of the berry vodka having stolen his tongue.
Many hours later, JD fell out of the taxi with a slobbery 'tha-thanks' and a puddle of his own vomit for company.
'Next time, hurl in someone else's vehicle!' shouted the cab driver, before hurtling round a corner and out of sight.
'Wow, Mr. Bartender was right,' JD thought absently as he noisily crawled his way up three flights of stairs and along the hallway to his apartment. 'I wonder if Turk left the door open...'
JD reached for the door-handle and, to his surprise, turned it easily. The door swung open to reveal a darkened, silent apartment.
'Guess so... thanks, Chocolate Bear,' JD whisper-called in the direction of Turk and Carla's room, from which he could distinctly hear Turk snoring. He flicked the kitchen light-switch, blinking like a mole as he did so, and opened the pantry.'God, I hope we've got some o'tha' voggka-berry-happy water,' he slurred, paying no heed to the hour as he rummaged loudly through the pantry and the liquor cabinet. Unfortunately, JD's clogged head hadn't quite caught up with his hands, resulting in multiple dropped boxes and enough curse words to make even Jerry take notice.
'Gotcha!' he finally exclaimed, holding up a similar bottle to the one at the bar as well as a few choice ingredients culled from the pantry. 'My perfect cocktail! I'll show that Mr. Bar-barke-keeper-blue guy who's boss...'
'JD! What the hell?!'
JD opened an eye slowly. Very slowly, so as not to completely burn off his retina. He looked down to find the kitchen floor - and himself - covered in blue sticky goop.
'Actually, answer this first. Do I want to know what you're doing on the floor, covered in blue shit? Why the blender looks like you vomited in it? Why there's a trail of actual vomit all the way up the stairs?' Turk stood almost directly over JD, thankfully casting his face into shadow. Still, he was rather a threatening presence at whatever-o'-clock in the morning.
'That's not very friendly, Super Chocolate Gargoyle.'
'I'm not even gonna ask,' Turk replied, hands raised in mock surrender, as his curiosity drove him to dip one pinky into what little goop remained in the blender. 'By the way, what the hell is this?'
'I call it Pixie Juice. It's three parts lemonade, two parts berry-flavoured vodka, one part blue sherbet. Add jellybeans to taste.'
Turk's pinky stopped halfway to his mouth, which was already forming a horrified circle. 'You call that a cocktail?!'
'You bet! Isn't it's magical!' JD managed to drag himself up off the Pixie Juice-covered floor and root around unsuccessfully for a clean hand-towel.
'That thing's stuffed full of sugar! You're drunk and on a sugar high all at once!' exclaimed Turk, still eying the concoction warily.
'I know, how great is it? Try some,' called JD from the linen closet. Turk examined the goop - he couldn't bring himself to call it Pixie Juice - currently adorning his pinky. 'Hey, it's not like I didn't already have a death wish...' he muttered, shooting death glares at an invisible Dr. Cox, before licking the goop off his finger.
'Did you find any towels yet?' he called out.
'No. Though I did find a note in the linen closet stating I was no longer a "frood," whatever that is,' replied JD as he walked back out to the kitchen. 'Did you enjoy my super-duper Pixie Juice?'
Turk tried valiantly to avoid making a face. 'Euh... urgh...look. To be honest with ya, J-Dizzle, if somebody mixed me that at a bar I'd put my foot in their ass. Though I'd probably have to reattach it afterwards.'
'Yeah, I don't think your Type Two would appreciate the thought...' JD paused to allow himself a brief daydream, in which a hypodermic needle chased Turk around the hospital, before landing back on Earth with a 'Don't you think it's the perfect Perry drink.
This time, Turk's eyebrows shot clean off his freshly polished head. 'That liquid Muppet?! JD, are you...' He stopped, cocking his head to one side and staring at his friend. 'You're still in a daydream, aren't you?'
'Mmmm... hypodermic Perry-tini...' JD's head was no longer at a forty-five-degree angle, but Turk was suspicious.
'Right. I don't wanna know. But you gotta know this, V-Bear. If you try to mix Dr. Asshole that he will break you in half!' The surgeon's eyes were all but popping out of his skull.
'Relax, Chocolate Bear,' said JD, his laconic reply doing little to calm Turk's nerves. 'A couple of tweaks, and Perry will love it...'
Oh, and by the way: This is Part 1 of 2. I couldn't resist posting this before the whole thing was finished. :D I hope you enjoyed it!