Amanda watched as Olivia pulled her blood stained sweater over her head.
The blood had soaked through Olivia's bra that was surprisingly lacey, and the color violet.
The color that now matched the bruising on her neck.
Amanda didn't mean to stare.
Per their Captain's orders, Amanda was sent in to the locker room with Olivia to make sure she was ok. To make sure she would take off her blood stained clothes and find her way in to the shower to wash away the blood of the man that only hours ago held a knife to her throat.
Olivia said she was fine. She said this wasn't the first time she had a knife to her throat.
Olivia wasn't fine.
The day was horrendous.
A gruesome killer held a knife to her throat while colleagues watched in horror.
It wasn't the first time.
Amanda pretended to occupy herself when she saw Olivia look down at herself and then take a seat on the bench in front of her locker.
Olivia's head fell in to the palm of her hands. She didn't make a sound, but Amanda saw her shoulders shake, she saw her hands tremble against her own skin.
A lump froze in Amanda's throat. She couldn't swallow, she couldn't breathe.
Suddenly, it was if Amanda was no longer there in the room with her. Or she didn't care. Olivia sat up straight and took a deep breath in as if to collect herself, as to tell herself to get over it.
Amanda wanted to hold her.
She felt guilty.
She didn't feel guilty because she wanted to console her partner, her friend. She felt guilty because she wanted to hold Olivia because in the last few months she had found herself having feelings for her.
She felt guilty because she felt more, and the chance to hold Olivia, to touch her, would be satisfying, it would sooth her as much as she would want to sooth Olivia.
She had justified her feelings for Olivia long before this.
How could you not crush on her? She was beautiful, and smart, caring, funny. How could you not lust after her? Her curves; her hips, her breasts… You would have to be blind.
Olivia's shoes hit the floor, then her socks. She stood up undoing her pants and slid them down her legs.
Amanda willed herself to turn away.
Black, silk panties.
There Olivia stood.
So feminine.
Her body was insanely curvaceous.
Her thighs strong… her ample breasts pressed in to the lace.
Covered in dried blood.
"Olivia," Amanda said suddenly not sure what she was about to say.
"I should shower." Olivia said finally acknowledging Amanda was there.
"You ok? Take as much time as you need."
"You don't have to babysit me."
"I'm not babysitting you. I'm just, I'm just being here for you."
"I don't need you." Olivia said curtly.
"You need somebody." Amanda said not backing off.
Olivia looked at Amanda. She still made no reference to standing there in the cold locker room in just her mismatched bra and panties.
"I'll be in the shower." Olivia said giving in.
"I'll be right here." Amanda said settling in to the hard, wooden bench.
Amanda watched her walk away and cursed herself again for looking at Olivia the way she did, in the state that she was in.
It seemed like forever.
She wanted Olivia to take her time, to wash away the blood, her emotions. But it seemed like forever.
Amanda had no intentions of intruding on Olivia while she was in the shower, but she wanted to check on her.
"Liv?" She said keeping her distance.
The water was running, but she couldn't hear any movement from Olivia.
"Liv? Just checking on you?"
Suddenly she heard Olivia's voice. "I'm fine," she blurted, sounding as if it were all she could muster to say.
"Ok"
Amanda heard the water shut off.
Olivia appeared out of the shower stall with a towel wrapped around her, her long hair dripping on to her bare shoulders.
"You don't have to look at me that way."
Oh God, Oh God.
"What way?" Amanda said with an unnoticeable panic.
"Pity"
"I'm not pitying you Liv."
"I've been doing this a long time..."
"That doesn't make it any easier."
"No… but it teaches you that you have to move on."
"You can take some time though, you don't have to be super woman all the time."
"Super woman? Hardly."
"Yeah? Try telling that to the guys out there in the squad room. You pretty much have sealed the super woman title."
"I don't want to be fucking super woman." Olivia snapped.
Amanda froze. She didn't know what to say.
She understood why she didn't.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like that I'm just tired."
"It's ok. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now."
"I'm feeling… it's just…" Olivia huffed as if impatient with herself, her thoughts. "The funny thing is it never goes away until something more horrendous takes its place."
Olivia sat down on the bench and Amanda sat beside her.
Drops of water glistened against Olivia's olive skin.
Amanda ached to touch her.
God she shouldn't touch her.
She was certain her fingers would burn at the touch of Olivia's skin.
As if she were fire.
"You should get dressed, it's cold in here."
Olivia nodded as Amanda silently scolded herself for suggesting Olivia cover her body.
Olivia made her way to her locker… as Amanda stayed behind giving her privacy.
She gave her a few minutes before asking.
"Hey, you wanna go get a drink?"
Silence
Amanda wasn't sure if she should have asked.
She stood up making her way towards Olivia.
"I just thought it might make you feel better."
Olivia let out a breathy laugh.
"Yeah, sound good."
Amanda was a bit surprised at Olivia was taking her up on her invitation.
She watched Olivia stand up.
She was tall.
Her legs looked especially long in the fitted jeans she was now wearing.
"I think I need more than a drink…. A drink and a fuck would be the only thing that would make this day better."
Amanda realized she wasn't breathing.
And she wasn't sure if he mouth was hanging open.
She wasn't sure if she was questioning if Olivia would go there, if the woman she knew dated men, also had been with women. Or would be with a woman… if she needed a fuck.
Olivia wasn't apologizing for cheeky comment.
And God Amanda wanted to give Olivia everything she needed.
A drink and a fuck.
"We going?" Olivia asked
"Yeah, yeah let's get out of here. You wanna go to O'Malley's?"
"Um can go somewhere else? I feel like half the NYPD watched as that guy held a knife to my throat this afternoon. I think I've had all the stares from cops I can have for one day."
Amanda gave a slight understanding smile.
"Yeah I know a great place, great cocktails."
"Sounds good." Olivia said as she followed Amanda out.