Authors Note: This will at first seem like a Mary Sue Fic. However that is quite the opposite of the case. One, It can't be a Mary Sue fic because I am a guy, and two, well read it for four paragraphs and you'll see. Enjoy…or not, I really could careless. Oh yes, Poke' speak will be translated for your convenience, lazy bastards, making me do your work, why in my day we only had two colors and…
Poke'mon Z.E.R.O (Zany, Erratic, Random, Odyssey)
Ch1: "How the Stabbing Starts." Prt1: The life and times of Estella Briahm
Estella Briahm strutted down the path of Petalburg woods, in her stylish, top of the line imported only three hours ago from the Orange Islands, jeans and tank top, showing just enough of her perfect…assets. Her platinum-blond hair swaying in the breeze as her deep beautiful blue eyes took in the surroundings. Her Bright pink near indestructible, waterproof, acid proof, vacuum-sealed backpack had all the convinces of home as it was equipped with a state-of-the art extremely expensive Digital-Storage-Device. As a smirk graced her perfect and beautiful as she thought over he perfectly super unbeatable plan.
She would by pass the pathetic gym leader in her hometown in Rustboro City, and go straight to Petalburg, where the level 5 Gymleader would bow down to her superior skills, after all, she did get the highest test scores in the history of the trainer acceptance test. So there was a slight transfer of several thousand dollars to the guy who ran the grading program, but that just proved her intelligence in the fact that she was able to think around of the box, or is the expression over the box? Estella didn't know, but she didn't care, as she was to perfect to care.
She let out a lovely perfect laugh with her beautiful perfect voice, scaring and scarring for life every Zigzagoon in a three-mile radius. That pathetic Gym Leader was suppose to be one of the toughest Gymleaders in Hoenn with his superb strategies and using one of the strongest species in the world, but that did not worry Estella. For she had a genetically altered, highly illegal super Poke'mon. Worth all 5,600,000 credits that her father filthy rich father, Heir to the number 1 producer of all hover vehicles, had paid for.
With her skills, she would easily concur all of the gyms in only a few days, then beat the Elite 4, and become the Hoenn Poke'mon champion, then the greatest Poke'mon Master in the world, nothing could stop her. She was perfect, brilliant, unbeatable, Invincible!
Three seconds later she was eaten by a Seviper. The moral of the story is, never laugh manically while in the middle of a forest, or you'll get eaten.
Nobody actually cared about Estella's timely demise, as she was a real bitch. But she did leave a memorable imprint on one being. The Seviper who ate her got constipation from all of the plastics and saline and, decided to relive himself in a river. The river was essentially poisoned and caused a poor Goldeen to go blind, that Goldeen franticly swam around randomly, until it crashed into an inflatable raft occupied by some fishermen. Their raft started to deflate, and while panicking, one of the fishermen threw away his Super Rod. The Super Rod flew into the woods and hit a Swellow on the head, dropping it into unconsciousness, and preventing it from chowing down on the Wurmple it just caught. That Wurmple ran back to its…Wurmple…home…tree …thingy…yeah. And promptly evolved into a Cascoon. Three months later, it evolved into Dustox, flew to the ocean, and saw its reflection.
It was so ugly, that it scared itself and had a heart attack, and plummeted into the briny deep. It's corpse was eaten by a Sharpedo, who got high off it and decided to fly to the moon on a saucer of gravy while humming the itsy-bitsy spider and wearing a yellow padded bra. It lept up onto the deck of the S.S Aqua. A color blind Collector of Poke'mon thought that he discovered a new species, and instantly ran to his cabin to grab his poke'balls. On his way there he tripped and fell unconscious, causing a random sailor, who was lifting two heavy boxes, one filled with bedpans, the other Speedballs, to trip. The order forms, which happened to have the addresses on them, to be switched around.
Little Gary Stu, who was very sick and abused by his parents, but didn't let that effect his personality, received the Speedballs, and decided to, despite his injuries and illnesses, catch a Scyther, name it Blade, and start another fic that is less than mediocre and more as a self-insert to make himself feel better that he's fat and ugly, and then remember to forget to rename it after evolves into a Scizor. But while he was trying to catch it, he missed once. Later, a random researcher of little to no importance trips over the Speedball and realizes how the overall evolution of the Spoink happens and rushes to tell someone, then the 4th wall breaks and the author comes down and speeds things up, partially because this is taking to long, partially because this is harder to write then you think.
(Far Away Isle, Sea of Hoenn, Nine Months Later)
So the tree branch falls on Mew's head, while he is in the middle of teleporting, which causes him to teleport to Ilex forest instead of Viridian. There he bumps into Celebi, who is in the middle of charging up for time travel. Mew, panicking, teleports again, and they end up back where it all began, Petalburg woods. Celebi's time traveling powers activate right at the end of the teleport, causing a huge shock wave to erupt upon the universe.
(The Sweaty Piloswine, Underground Goldenrod City, Johto)
"So I say's to him, I says, that's no Aipom, that's my wife…" shouts a man, very drunk. His companion at the bar stares at his drink, and says nothing. "Yeah, that joke sucks…so why are you here?"
"Pardon?" asks the companion, ruffling his cloak, however, there is no sound.
"Oh yur, Psychic eh?" responds the drunkard. "Well wateva, anywho, nobody comes to The Sweaty Piloswine because they like the booze, they come here because they feel miserable and they want company."
"Well…" started cloak…thinking of how he could put it into words, "I don't know what I should do with my life, the purpose that I was born for I've rejected, and my original goal has been proven to be just selfish foolishness and the ones that I care about don't need me…I don't know what to do."
"Well, wy dunt ya try to be a trainer, make sum friends, see da world."
"Heh, that's not my thing."
"Well maybe you need a girlfriend."
"A girlfriend?"
"Ya know, a nice lass, whose makes ya feel good."
"…I don't exactly think I'm, wait…do you feel that?"
"Feel what?" asks the drunk. The cloaked figures eyes widen in shock. He gets up, and then disappears in a flash of light, "… good luck kid."
(Back at Petalburg Woods)
"Oh…my head…what happened…" says the legendary Poke'mon Mew, as he groggily gets up from the ground. He gets rid of his cobwebs and looks around. He spots Celebi and floats over to her. "Hey, Celebi, come on…wake up," says Mew, as he shakes up the time-travel Poke'mon.
"Owe…what hap…HOLY SHIT!" swears Celebi, bolting up.
"Ouch, do you have to yell so loud?" asks Mew, nursing his head, as he had a rather wicked headache. Celebi looked at him flabbergasted.
"Do I have to yell? DO I HAVE TO YELL! WHAT KIND OF STUPID QUESTION IS THAT?" shouts the grass type, her arms raised to the air? Mew winces at the loud sounds, wondering bug-type crawled up her butt, probably a Forretress.
"What's the problem?"
"WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, THAT'S THE PROBLEM!" shouted Celebi, pointing behind Mew. Mew turned around. What he was…pink. And it was round…esc, and was floating three feet off the ground.
"A dimensional rip? I don't get what the big deal is, they happen every so often anyway," responded Mew, who looked around uninterested, he was hungry.
"Bu-but it could very well alter our entire dimension by colliding with a nearby one,"
"I know, where do you think humans came from?" Celebi just stood there with her mouth open, she raised her hand and tried to speak, and put the hand down. Then she tried to speak again, and failed. This happened for a while until she crossed her arms across her chest, closed her eyes and thought, and thought, and thought. Mew squealed in glee as he discovered a Pecha Berry Plant.
"I guess your right Mew, it's nothing we should worry about too badly," admitted Celebi. "Still…I want to know what kind dimension we might run into, wanna peak?"
"Hell Yeah!" shouted Mew, his face covered in peach colored gunk. Both of the Psychic types floated to the dimensional rip, and what they saw, scarred them for the rest of their lives.
"We are the Winx, We are the Winx, (whispered) Come join the Club, We are the Winx!"
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
(Unknown Location)
"Will Mew and Celebi find a way to stop their fusion with the Winx world? Will we ever find out the identity of the cloaked stranger? Will Gary Stu win the Poke'mon league for the 24352324th time in a row? Does anyone actually notice that Estella is gone? What is the meaning of Life? Boxers or Briefs? "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck? Will Ash ever fall in love with Misty?" bellows a middle-aged man in a black suit as he talks into an old-fashioned radio microphone. Suddenly he is kicked in the knee.
"Hell no! And who the fuck are you?" asks the kicker, who is revealed to be an Oddish.
"Why I'm the Narrator, I'm the guy who does the monologue at the end of each episode… err chapter. Now who are you little guy?" asks the Narrator
"I'm the author, and I have a narrator, kick ass!" shouts the author, as he pumps the air with his…leaves.
"I kind of expected you to be more…godly,"
"Yeah, well just about every fanfic has or web comic has some sort of god-modded uber form, ripping off "Bob and George" or Jack Kirby. So I decided to be different from them and take on something weak, to show people that I won't give them the same recycled garbage with Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus as far as the eye can see,"
"Well that's rather admirable of you,"
"Instead, I'll give them a brand new kind of garbage, that way, when people start recycling my plot points and character types, I can flame there asses off mercilessly, heh-heh, the fools," says the Author, saying the last part quietly, facing away from the narrator, talking to himself.
"…Well is there any reason for you talking to me?"
"Yeah, your holding up the show, I already posted both parts of the first chapter, I just broke it up for dramatic effect,"
"Oh, sorry…ehm hem, Tune in next time to Poke'mon Z.E.R.O, How the Stabbing Starts part two, Phone Numbers"
"Kick, Ass,"