~Chapter 1-Dead Inside~

Tord laid on his back on his bed, eyes closed as his mind drifted. Different images flashed inside his head. The image of him falling down in the giant robot. The hot blood. Painful injuries. Tom's hatred. Matt's fear. Edd's tears. Paul's shock. Patryk's concern. The last hateful look he saw before he joined his two soldiers.

The Norwegian finally shot up, a scream stuck in his throat and eyes burning. Shaky and heavy breaths escaped him as it took him a minute to realize he was dreaming it all.

A shock of pain flooded him as he gripped at his arm. If it was a dream, why did it feel so real? Why did it feel like he was reliving his dirty past?

Tord felt his eyes burn some more as he gradually remembered how he got accepted back in the first place.

Tord averted his gaze away as Edd stood in the doorway, staring at him with a stunned expression. "Tord?" he breathed.

Tord slowly met his gaze as he gripped at his crippled arm. "Hello, o-Edd." he quickly cut himself off. He didn't deserve to call Edd a friend. Not his friend. Not after all that's happened.

"Oh my God..I thought you were dead!" He heard Edd exclaim and in the next minute his eyes widened, letting out a small grunt as the green clad threw himself at him, nearly knocking him off balance and onto the doorstep. "I can't believe it! It's really you!"

Tord bit back a hiss of pain, swallowing and awkwardly standing there. "Y-Yeah..it's me." he said, not knowing what else to say.

Edd squeezed him tighter. "How are you alive?"

"It's...a long story." Tord muttered and flinched as Edd squeezed impossibly tighter. "E-Easy, Edd." he snickered quietly, awkwardly patting his shoulder with his non-injured hand.

"Sorry.." Edd sheepishly apologized as he pulled away and Tord could have sworn he saw him wipe away a tear. Edd sighed. "Look..it's raining and cold outside. Come in. Let's talk." He stated and grabbed Tord's hand and started to lead him in, but stopped and frowned when he felt Tord resist. He turned back to him. "Tord..?"

Tord swallowed. "Edd..I don't think that's a very good idea."

"Tord, I get that you're scared. But you can't expect to redeem yourself if you keep running away from your fears and troubles, right? I forgive you, but it's going to take you a long time to earn my trust and respect back, same thing with Matt and most likely possibly longer with Tom. You can't just give up because it's hard. Right?"

Tord sighed heavily and withdrew, nodding mutely.

"Good. C'mon, let's go."

Tord sighed. He forgot why he even bothered coming back in the first place. He knew he wasn't forgiven, no matter how much Edd made it look like he was. None of them cared about him. They only pretended to. They only made it look like they did just to make him feel comfortable and safe. They couldn't stand him. They hated him. Yet again, he didn't blame them at all. He understood.

He felt some tears streak his cheeks and he gritted his teeth. Then why did it hurt so damn bad? If he understood, why did every single day feel like hell? Maybe it was because of his guilt. Which he and others would agree that he should feel guilty. Why shouldn't he? He tried to take over the world, killed a civilian, nearly killed Edd, Tom and Matt.

A sob involuntarily escaped him as he covered his face with one hand, choking on sobs. It hurt so bad, but he deserved it. He deserved everything that was coming to him. The pain. The guilt. Their hatred, fear, mistrust. All of it.

He didn't even know why he was trying. He would never be able to redeem himself, so why brother? He questioned himself on why he even thought it would be possible, because it wasn't.

While he was away on his trip, he had plenty of chances to go back on what he was about to do. Plenty of oppertunites to forget it. Plenty of chances to just drop everything, decide something else and go back home to be with his friends.

Except he didn't. He thought about it, but he didn't. And Tord hated himself for that.

Again, this was what he deserved. To be disliked and hated. He deserved this. But it still hurt regardless.

Tord swallowed thickly. There were obvious tear stains on his cheeks, but he figured his friends wouldn't notice. Why would they? They hated him, and Tord with all honestly did not blame them one bit. Crud, he didn't even have the right to call them friends. He lost that right a long time ago. The minute he set foot in that monstrous robot, he threw it all away, and for what? For power? Popularity? Dignity? In the end he got none of that, but at this point he didn't care. He traded in everlasting friendship for power. He snorted in spite of himself. Thinking it, it sounded even more stupid and made him more ashamed.

Who even does that? Only selfish, egotistical people who are absolute megalomaniacs. Thats what he was. A selfish, stupid megalomaniac who sacrificed his friends for a little dominance, a little power. In the end it screwed him. Was it worth it? No. Not one bit. If he could go back and change it, he would in a heartbeat. He didn't know what he was thinking. He wasn't. That was the thing. All he could see was him obtaining that power and the world bowing down to him. Not the mistrust of Matt, not the hurt of Edd, not the anger of Tom. Just power. He encountered once in a lifetime true friends, and he threw them away like the dolt he was.

Tord would never admit it to their faces, but he had come to actually care about Edd and the others. Which was rare, especially for him. He had actually learned to...love them like...family basically. Something he never thought would be possible. He guessed it was because he enjoyed being around them, and they were people who actually cared.

But he didn't deserve them. Even before this, he knew he didn't. People like him don't deserve friends like them. In fact, he didn't deserve friends at all. It just...doesn't work with him. He just doesn't deserve them, especially now. He couldn't understand why they liked him in the first place. Why Edd would affectionately throw his arms around him in a hug, why Matt enjoyed hanging with him so damn much, why even Tom liked to joke around with him here and there despite his and Tom's differences. Why? What was so special about him? He didn't get it. He supposed in a way, he never will, especially after what happened.

Friendship just doesn't mix with Tord. Never did. He doesn't know how to deal with it. The closeness, the affection. Especially from Edd. Still, it had been nice. He liked the small bud of warmth that grew in his heart for the first time in years when Edd hugged him, even if it was just for a moment. It had been fun. He had enjoyed this, he had missed this. Alas it wasn't enough. The way Edd forgave so easily wasn't enough. He knew that deep down despite forgiving him, Edd still couldn't stand him. Neither could Matt, and obviously not Tom.

Tord sniffled slightly. His hand suddenly itched for something besides a gun. Something sharp. He opened his door and trudged down the stairs. Tord peeked around the corner of the wall. Edd, Tom and Matt were sitting on the couch, watching TV. This was fine. They wouldn't notice.

The brunette walked into the kitchen silently and rummaged through one of the drawers as quietly as he could. He finally found what he was looking for and stashed it in one of the pockets of his hoodie.

Tord then walked out of the kitchen and tried to walk back upstairs, but a voice stopped him.

"What're you doing down here?" Tom questioned him with narrowed eyes; Tord flinched violently. The red clad gradually turned around and Tom froze, raising a brow with a small frown. "Um..have you been crying, commie?" He questioned, causing Edd and Matt to turn around as well this time with frowns.

"What? N-No, 'course not." Tord quickly lied. "I-I just.." he trailed off and sighed, unable to come up with a good excuse. "It's nothing, alright? Nothing you should be concerned about anyways. I'm fine." He stated, averting his gaze.

"You don't look fine," Matt piped. "You look awful."

"Wow..thanks, Matt."

"Tord.." Edd swallowed. "Are you sure you're fine?"

Tord rolled his eyes slightly. "'M positive, Edd." No I'm not, but I can't tell you that.

Edd glared at him. "Promise!"

Tord sighed, not wanting to deal with this right now. "Edd, seriously..-"

"I said promise!" Edd demanded, startling him.

"Okay, okay" Tord uttered, holding up his hand as if he were saying an oath. "I promise I'm fine. Damn. Can you let me go now?"

Edd nodded and Tord stuck his hands in his pockets, walking back upstairs.

The trio returned their attention forward.

"He was definitely lying." Matt stated.

"Pfft. Totally." Tom snorted.

"Absolutely lying." Edd nodded. "We're seeing what's up after the next episode ends."

Umm...yeah, there you go. R&R! Thx! :P