Weary
Author's notes: It looks like poor Hotch is suffering in my hands. I just feel for the man and wish that he would be happier. Reviews still very welcome!
Disclaimer: Not mine.
The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.
Nathaniel Branden
"So it has come to this", sighed Hotch and warily lifted his hand to rub his eyes. He had been suffering from insomnia almost through his whole career in BAU. Who wouldn't after all they saw day after day. However, recently he had been finding it easy to fall asleep, exhausted, only to wake up few hours later, looking at the clock and falling straight back to sleep to wake up again in few hours. This interrupted sleep made him more tired than he had ever felt in his life, even when Jack was small. Sometimes he was in the in-between state of sleep and wakefulness hearing people talking to him, sleeping next to him, only to start away from them and realize that it must have been a dream. Or otherwise he had already started hallucinating. He was so tired. The team must have noticed the increasingly darkening circles under his eyes, but so far no one had commented on it, yet.
The team. They had gone to have something to eat after successfully solving the case and he had declined to go with them, claiming to still have some paperwork to do. He had caught the worrying glances passed between JJ and Dave, but they hadn't said anything and he had returned to his hotel room. He had been feeling isolated and drifting for a while now. Functioning well as the unit chief and directing the team and working as a part of a larger whole while in the office, but alone and confused once the day turned to night and the shadows entered his empty flat. Recently he had been feeling cut off from people also at work and was worried that it might be affecting his job. He knew he had been short with some of the witnesses and had been frustrated at not been able to make a functional profile until Reid had once again used that brain of his and made connections that no one else saw and that had broken the case.
He knew that his habit of keeping to himself, keeping his innermost feelings and thoughts private and his lack of smiling didn't make it easy for people to approach him. His team took it in their stride usually, but they were getting tired of trying to lure him out of his shell. He watched over his team and saw how close they were to each other, at the same time somehow he had fallen out of that easiness of being a close knitted team, losing the connection somewhere on the way. And when he went home there was nothing for him. He tried to keep in contact with Hayley for the sake of Jack, but recently even that had become an almost too high a mountain to climb, not the least because he felt that Jack didn't miss him and didn't really know what to say to his dad.
So here he was, sitting on a bed in a hotel in some remote area in the middle of nowhere. He felt exhausted but knew he wouldn't stay asleep. He wasn't even restless anymore, he just felt heavy down to his bones. Normally he would have tried calling Jack as it was still early enough for him to be awake, but even that felt like too much to ask for his muscles to do at the moment. He finally let his mask to slip away, here it didn't matter if his eyes blurred with unshed tears, if he dropped his head into his hands and just hoped to be able to sleep for few decades, to feel nothing. In contrary to popular thought, he had feelings, which run deep, he just didn't want to let everyone to see them in case he was taken advantage of because of it. He was no fool, he knew he was clinically depressed, but he refused to acknowledge the need for help. He couldn't let his team down by letting them know into what dark pit he had descended. He was feeling the pain of thinking of himself a liability at work, of thinking himself weak and useless. He was acutely aware of the sensory loss that he had been experiencing. When was the last time someone held him close, just showing with that humane expression that someone cared and did not judge? He didn't need kissing or sex, he just wanted to establish a connection with someone, who could understand him without complications. Of course the fact that he rarely trusted people didn't make this any easier. Hotch wearily fell down on the bed and closed his eyes trying to escape his misery into the darkness of sleep.
At the restaurant Morgan was teasing Reid about his recent burst of Star Trek trivia while Emily was trying not to laugh while her mouth was full of food. Dave and JJ sat next to each other and were smiling at the antics of the others.
"Did you see Hotch just now? I'm getting really worried about him" said JJ to Dave quietly as not to make the others worried. She knew that the older man had also noticed the changes in Hotch and was worried. "He looks like he hasn't slept in weeks, he's lost weight, he doesn't seem to shave as often as he used to and he seems to be in his own world until something snaps him out of it" she continued. "I have never seen him like this" admitted Dave. "I have tried to get him to talk to me, but his general reply is that he's fine." "Yesterday Hayley called me and when I overcame my surprise, I really started listening what she had to say" JJ said. She continued, "Apparently Hotch hasn't called Jack in two weeks and went to see him almost a month ago. Even with their differences, Hayley knows that there is something wrong as Jack has always been important to Hotch. She called me as she couldn't really get anything out of Hotch even when she threatened him that he would never see Jack again." Dave thought about this seriously and frowned. "There must be something we can do but he's withdrawing from everybody and not letting anyone close to him." JJ nodded and then looked at Dave hesitantly, clearly thinking whether to trust the older man or not. Dave held his hand out to her and announced to the others that they were going to dance. JJ only now noticed that there was music playing on the background and other couples were already on the dance floor. "Watch out that you don't end up as his fifth wife", winked Morgan smiling. Dave slapped his head on their way to the dance floor, while Reid and Emily were arguing about the colours of light sabres.
Dave pulled gently JJ closer to him and they danced to the music silently. Then Dave said, "You can trust me with anything, you know that JJ?" JJ had a ghost of a smile on her face and answered quietly: "I don't know whether this makes any sense, but Hotch and I have always had some kind of a bond. I feel when he needs distraction, just encouragement or a smile and he has let me to give these things to him, while he has always been there for me. It has never been anything inappropriate, nothing physical and it feels like having a soul mate without all the bothersome physical aspects of the term that is often linked to it." Dave looked at JJ, silently encouraging her to go on. JJ sighed, "I have felt him withdrawing, getting tired and sometimes you can get a glimpse of his eyes which are empty, without any fight in them anymore. But then the Hotch mask is back on again and the moment to say anything to him has passed. I want to help him but I don't know how!" Dave nodded agreeing to all she was saying. "I have noticed that the two of you seem to work perfectly together with just looks and few words and I have to say that it has warmed my heart. Although Hotch and I are friends and I have known him for a long time, I don't have the same kind of connection as you do and God knows he needs people who care about him." They fell silent again and just danced for a while, both in their own thoughts.
"I can't take this anymore. He's all alone in the hotel and he is hurting, but he's stubborn enough not to let anyone know or help" JJ said in a rush. "I'm going to go over and maybe I can help somehow. I know he's not keen on physical contact but maybe that's what he needs. To anchor himself back to the world and maybe, maybe if he will allow me to help him, the rest of team are also welcome" JJ continued. Dave raised an eyebrow and asked: "You are sure that he won't take the physical touch the wrong way. I know he cares about you and he definitely doesn't need any complication with his emotions regarding you." "I'm sure as we both care deeply about each other, but there has never been any kind of sexual spark there. I know that he can take whatever closeness and human touch from me he needs and it won't complicate things. I love Will and I would never do anything to hurt him, but I also care about Hotch and would never be able to forgive myself if I could have done something to help him and didn't" JJ answered, trying to make Dave understand their relationship. She suspected that he understood it already and that's why he took her to the dance floor so they could discuss the situation without the others listening in. They all meant well and would move the earth for their boss, but listening to Morgan's teasing and trying to explain everything to Reid and seeing from his blank look that he didn't know what was going on, was too much for her now. Emily would be supportive and empathetic, but JJ could see how she would stalk her with questions afterwards until they were all answered, probably with the friendly help from Garcia, completely misunderstanding their relationship.
Dave led her back to their table and whispered to her ear: "Go ahead. I will explain the situation to them and I'm sure they will understand as they have also been worried for a while now. We will help Hotch through this, but you will need to be the one to pave way for that by allowing him to expose himself to someone and be reassured that nothing bad will come out of it."
JJ headed out of the restaurant to the cold night leaving the rest of team confused, looking after her. She saw how Dave got their attention and how all of them were seriously listening to him and forgot about her in their concentration. She wrapped her coat a bit more warmly around her and walked back to their hotel, which was only a block away. She was thinking of Hotch and how she also knew firsthand how it felt to be alone, isolated, yearning for connection with someone that never came. And how lucky she was to find that connection in Will.
JJ took the lift to the eight floor where all their rooms were and knocked gently on Hotch's door. Dave had offered to sleep on the couch in Reid's and Morgan's room to give her and Hotch privacy until tomorrow morning so she would have enough time to stand there knocking on his door until he answered.
She knocked again and this time she could hear shuffling from inside and the door opened to a very scruffy and tired looking Hotch. He blinked few times and cleared his throat before asking: "Is everything ok, is there another case?" JJ shook her head no, "Can I come in?" Hotch moved aside and let her come in looking confused but wary at the same time. JJ stepped in, took off her coat and set in on one of the chairs and turned around and looked at him gravely. Hotch couldn't look at her, he felt vulnerable as he had just woken up crying after dreaming of Jack running away from him and he knew that JJ could easily see his distress on his face.
"Let me help you Hotch" said JJ softly and extended her hand. He looked at the hand numbly and then looked up at her and started to shake his head. "I can't... You have other things to worry about. What would Will say, what about the team?" Hotch rambled on, but at the same time looking at the offered hand longingly. "You know me, I would do anything to help you. And no one will think any less of you. And you know Will isn't the issue, I love him and I also deeply care about you", JJ said thinking that honesty would be the best way of getting through to Hotch. He looked at her and seemed to fall into himself in front of her eyes. JJ reached out for him and led him to the bed letting him fall down on it. To her distress she saw tears in his eyes and felt her own eyes getting blurry with tears.
She sat on the bed against the head rest on a pile of pillows and gathered Hotch on her arms, his head resting against her shoulder and slowly his arms circled around her waist and then she could feel him shaking as he cried. JJ stroked his hair softly and held onto him tightly without the need to offer those meaningless words that were suppose to make one feel better. She lowered her head and rested her cheek against Hotch's hair while still stroking his neck and back.
The night drew on but neither spoke, they didn't need words. This contact was enough and this closeness was the first step to help Hotch to accept help and support from others. It would be difficult but JJ was going to be there for him and she was sure the rest of the team would be close behind her to do what they could and give whatever Hotch would accept from them.
The feeling of someone stroking his hair, hugging him close felt unreal until he got used to the idea and could relax in JJ's embrace. He was surprised himself that he didn't feel self conscious or worried, he just tightened his grip on JJ. He could feel his eyes closing as he felt safe and wonderfully calm. Something had cracked his shell of darkness and even though it was a small crack, he was already feeling slightly better. He promised himself that if JJ (and that would mean rest of the team) thought that he was worth fighting for, he would fight and he would banish the darkness. But for now he was content on the arms of another human being and drew strength from her strength and from her care. "Maybe this isn't it after all", was his last thought before falling asleep against JJ's shoulder.