Definitely do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters we've come to love, especially Meredith and Derek and the hope of that love of legends we keep hearing about. As in Shattered Dreams… a therapeutic work of fiction, based on that promotional shot likely filmed and never shown. Moments of painful doubts. Just as Derek once said he was entitled to. They both entitled to them now.

Painful doubts

Meredith watched as he entered the trailer slamming the door behind him, shaking her head in disbelief and disappointment, but determined not to let his words shatter her resolve.

"Is that the best you've got?" she'd taunted, hoping he'd listen. "Cause I'm not bailing, we're in this together," she'd continued knowing her words fell on deaf ears, but equally determined to stand by him as he was about to walk away from her.

"GO HOME MEREDITH."

Damn him, damn him she thought as his words echoed painfully over and over again and she turned and walked to the jeep, momentarily defeated, yet realizing any words or actions at this point would prove moot. He was in no condition to listen and she was in no mood to put up with more drunken stupidity. That, however, was her first reaction. The second one, when it all sunk in, when each of the angry spiteful words he'd spat at her fully registered was much worse, and the reality of the truth behind his words made her heart ache, realizing he was right, at the very least, partly right in his accusations.

The drive to the ferry dock provided too much time to think, as the darkness of the night surrounded the car and she raced out of the desolate forty acres where minutes before all had begun to unravel. Unwanted and hated tears blurred her vision when the trailer, the spot where once he'd asked her to take it all faith and she'd began to fall in love with him, were left the behind.

She needed a drink, she thought, and wished she kept a bottle in the car. Surely, if ever there was a time that called for drinking, for drowning out his rejection in a bottle of tequila, this was it. Drowning, she mocked herself at that thought as she wiped away a tear, and got out of the car and walked to the deck willing to brave the cold. Anything was preferable to the wall of steel that was slowly taking control, squeezing the breath out of her lungs making it difficult to breathe, tightening around her heart making it impossible to breakdown and tightening around the depth of her soul, willing her not to give up. She'd told him once before, it was not the time to give up on her. This was not the time to give up on him, on them.

Meredith leaned into the railing, the cold wind pricking her skin just as his words had pricked repeatedly at her heart.

"You're incapable of anything that resembles commitment," he'd yelled at her and he was partly right. Her efforts had obviously not been enough, if he could not recognize she was fully committed to their relationship. No! She immediately berated herself. He is the one that has failed. He is the one that has failed to recognize all the steps I've taken, all that it has taken for me to be there tonight. He is the one that is afraid of commitment.

"You lied to me, you said you were healthy. You were healed," she kept hearing his words, like waves rolling in and back to sea again, gently perhaps, often mistakenly, lulling one to sleep, yet each movement further eroding the shore. Sometimes, changing the shoreline forever. Words, painful words infiltrated thoughts that begged repeatedly for gentleness. Be gentle Meredith, an inner voice hounded, for once be gentle to yourself.

"There's no fixing you," he'd said as his eyes looked at her with contempt. "You're a lemon," and that was now her undoing, a knife slicing deeply to the core. Salt on a wound yet to be healed. But, when he'd said that, she had responded without hesitation, without time to fully comprehend his words, and she did not let him get away with it. She was not going to let him throw away all they, all she had worked so hard for to be ready.

She'd yelled right back at him, that he was drunk and she understood his anger, but that it did not give him the right to say such things to her. But, he wasn't listening. He had already set the course for their future.

The crossing to the mainland felt like an eternity, almost as if time purposely stood still and forced her to face each and every word he'd hurled at her in anger. Forced her to come to terms with years of what she now recognized as abusive emotional behavior heaped upon her by her mother. Years of shutting herself off from intimate emotional involvements. Years of depriving herself of the possibilities only love could offer a soul drowning in disappointment. Years of running in order to protect the vulnerabilities of a heart longing to be nurtured, unable to sustain yet one more abandonment.

Years of avoiding, became seconds of acceptance. Acceptance of fate staring her down. Fate, defying her to turn away as she witnessed despair, contempt, self loathing, anger and doubts. Dark, painful doubts staring back at her as she faced the man she loved.

Derek, she accepted, was right in some of his accusations. There were things, so many things that had lain dormant far too long. Things they should have discussed. But, he had made one mistake. He had called her a lemon, and she was in no fucking mood to make lemonade.

The persistent and annoying knock finally got Cristina off the couch and swung open the door, much surprised to find Meredith, and even more so the look of sadness and defeat etched in her features.

"What did he do now?"

"I may have to kill Derek"

"Did he propose?"

"What…no, quite the contrary…but wait…why would you ask that," she said as she walked in, and confronted Cristina.

"It's, well, just something he'd do."

"You knew didn't you," she accused, "you knew he'd planned to propose."

"He may have told me."

"And you didn't think I should know?"

"He…I thought about it, and I mentioned it jokingly, and you did not seem to be against it. Your reaction…"

"What are you talking about Cristina," Meredith demanded a bit agitated.

"I started to tell you, when I was reading your mother's diaries, in the on call room."

Meredith thought back to recent weeks, "he didn't propose. He took all his clothes. He's at the trailer."

"Mer…that doesn't sound right, he was so excited…"

"Well, he's not anymore," she said and slumped down on the sofa.

"Is that why you want to kill him?"

"He was drunk," she said, cursing the tears quickly filling her eyes, "he said terrible things."

"Mer, I'm not his fan…but, he's been through hell this week."

"I know."

"Why do you want to kill him?"

"He called me a lemon," she said, avoiding looking at Cristina. "Basically, told me I'm defective, broken… beyond repair."

"So…" Cristina said without missing a beat, "you want me to help drag his corpse across his land and dig a hole?"

Meredith smiled, sadness weighing heavily, but was able to laugh at the suggestion, and then let the tears slowly begin to fall as the two friends sat silently, each lost in their own private heartache.

Time passed slowly, mocking their silence until neither was able to bear their burden alone and first one, then the other shared some of their inner most fears.

"What am I going to do Cristina?"

"Other than kick his ass?"

"He doesn't want me there…but I can't leave him. Somehow…I need to make him understand, I'm not running…I'm not bailing…we are in this together. I'm in this for that lifetime he wanted."

"You're going to just pretend none of this happened? Turn the other cheek and let him do this to you. Every time something goes wrong, you're going to let him hurt you? Like with that nurse?"

"I can't pretend it didn't happen. Derek accused me of not trusting him…but, he is the one not trusting me. He's going to need to learn to trust me. But, I can't let him down now Cristina…he's hit rock bottom…I get it… I've been there, but it does not give him the right to say such painful things to me. It does not give him the right to purposely hurt me."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I don't know…but somehow, I have to summon the courage to be there for him, for us, if we're going to get through this."

"You're going to let him walk all over you?"

"No, I'm going to show him I love him, and he's going to have to do the same."