Waiting
Miscommunications, missteps and over thinking force Olivia and Natalia to hesitantly keep their distance but they just can't help but wait. Title is from Sugar Ray-Waiting.
Olivia sat in the car for a moment, fighting back tears that were threatening to turn her into a blubbering mess. She wiped at the corners of her eyes, careful not to smudge her make up as she looked at her reflection in the rear view mirror. You did the right thing. She needs her space and she needs to know that you care about her and her relationship with Rafe even at the expense of your own relationship. What relationship? We haven't done anything more than stand extremely close to each other, hold hands and stare holes into each other. She sighed. The old cynic was waking up inside of her, stretching her arms, yawning and preparing to lower the temperature of her internal thermostat to zero. She started the car and pulled out of the driveway, her eyes staring straight ahead, careful to not look in the rear view mirror and see Natalia still standing on the porch, clutching her bag to her chest, watching. It's fine. It's fine. She needs the time and space.
She said no. She said no to coming inside. Natalia opened the front door and stood in the entryway. Her face was the picture of as she placed her bag on the table and slid her jacket off. She blinked furiously, forcing tears back as she tried to calm herself down. Rafe would be home soon and she couldn't afford to have him see her like this because it would mean she would have to answer questions and to answer those questions, she needed to actually have answers. She ran her hands through her hair, breathing slowly as she tied it back into a ponytail and made her way to the kitchen. She wants to give me space to make sure that Rafe and I are okay. She said I'm worth the wait. Her heart fluttered at the idea. But what is she waiting for? To move back in? She wasn't in a rush for that, she said that she was fine with bringing Emma for dinners and visits. Natalia stood in front of the refridgerator, her right hand on her hip, left hand holding the door open as she contemplated her situation and dinner. Her eyebrows were pulled close together as she pulled out chicken cutlets. Unless…she stopped in her tracks, an invisible a-ha light bulb appearing overhead. She wants to kiss me. She wants more than just hand holding and standing close to me. I want that too. More than I thought I would. She pulled out some pans and the cutting board to dice up vegetables, trying to focus on the task at hand and not the overwhelming sense of disappointment that was starting to settle into her bones. What if I'm terrible at it? A kiss is a kiss but it's not just a kiss when you have your heart pounding at a mile a minute and everything that makes you you is in that kiss. What if she's not as enthusiastic about it? Or if she's disappointed by the entire experience and regrets everything? Natalia closed her eyes for a moment, seeing Olivia's face behind her eyelids, smiling at her, assuring her that she was going to be patient and wait. I wasn't an ultimatum, she told me it wasn't and I believe her. She wants to wait. I want to wait but how long is she willing to hold on?
Olivia let herself into the apartment and silently thanked God that no one was home. Emma was on a play date and wouldn't be home until bedtime; Rachel's parents promised to feed her at their place so dinner would be covered. She walked over to the bed flopped face down on the bed and groaned into the covers. A distant drone in her purse pulled her from her doldrums. She pushed up onto her elbows as she rummaged through the bag for her cell phone, the drone sounding more like a plea for help than a ring. She found it and smiled at the name and number.
Natalia.
"I think you called me in 6 minutes." Olivia joked, rolling onto her back and staring at the ceiling. She felt like a teenager again.
"No, I'm pretty sure it was 5." Natalia said, her smile practically beaming from her end of the phone to Olivia's. "How was your drive?"
You're always so fascinated by the trivial things. "Fine. I got here in one piece didn't I?"
"Olivia." Natalia chastised. "I told you about things like that."
"Like what?" Olivia pressed, sitting up in bed and kicking her shoes off. "Like sounding like you have a death wish."
"I'm not Charles Bronson." Olivia deadpanned.
Natalia puttered around the kitchen, her cell phone pinched between her ear and shoulder as she filled a bowl with potatoes. She sighed heavily as she placed the bowl on the counter and bit her bottom lip.
"What're you doing?" Olivia asked.
"Cooking. I told you to stay." Natalia replied in a smug tone.
"No, you were offering coffee, you said nothing about dinner." Olivia teased. I miss your cooking. I miss you kicking me out of the kitchen when you catch me stealing bits of food.
"Well it was kinda attached when I offered you some coffee." Natalia answered simply, slicing the potatoes expertly.
"Was not." Olivia answered pouting as she leaned against the headboard. "And I told you I'm not coming over unless you invite me in."
"What are you a vampire?" Natalia joked, dropping a potato into the boiling water.
"I've been called worse." The right corner of Olivia's mouth tugged into a frown. I feel like I'm going to be called worse the more patience I lose. Or gain. Whatever. "Besides, you and Rafe need some family time together. He's going through a tough spot and the only person that can help him out is you."
"Well. He has Frank." Natalia replied, her usually sweet and optimistic voice sounding sour.
"Course he does."
Natalia stopped what she was doing and held the phone to her ear with her right hand, watching everything simmer, bubble and steam. "I know you don't like it."
"Like what?" Play dumb.
"Frank being in Rafe's life."
"Rafe isn't my son, Natalia." That sounded colder than I meant.
Natalia bit back her words. She stirred the potatoes as they bubbled in the water, adding salt and covering the pot. She could hear Olivia breathing on the other end and the gears in her head working as she thought of a way to dig herself out of the mess. "I've got to go, I have a lot of pots here." She hung up before Olivia could answer. God, what am I supposed to do?
Olivia stared at the phone flabbergasted. She shut her eyes tight and fighting the urge to hurl her phone across the room in a fit. She sighed heavily and placed it on the nightstand, hoping that wasn't the last phone call of the night.
Natalia let her aggression out on an unfortunate pile of potatoes, smashing them until they were, well, mashed. She heard the kitchen door open slowly as Rafe entered and sat down at the kitchen table. "Hey ma." he said simply, placing Gus' badge and his Springfield P.D applications on the table, arranging them absently.
"Hi baby." she said, crossing the floor to her son, giving him a kiss on top of his head. "Where were you? I was looking everywhere for you…" she hoped the worried look in her eyes she had over Olivia and their situation translated to the worry she had for Rafe.
"I was out." he answered simply, avoiding her eyes. Natalia bit the inside of her cheek and returned to the stove quietly.
"I'm making chicken, mashed potatoes and vegetables. I hope you're hungry." she offered, a hopeful smile on her face.
"I'm fine ma." Rafe answered, standing up and heading to the fridge. He pulled out a bottle of water and closed the door. He watched her intently for a moment, taking a deep drink of water. She had a disappointed look on her face as she removed a piece of chicken from the pan and placed it on a waiting plate. He reached over and took the plate, returning to his seat. He didn't see her smile.
They sat together in silence for a moment. Rafe still ate like he was in prison, hunched over his plate, his left arm protecting it while shoveling with his right. Natalia didn't say a word as she watched him eat, grateful that he hadn't gone up to his room for dinner. Olivia's right. He's not a boy anymore. He's a man and I don't know what to do about it. Is it normal to see your child no matter how old they are as still the little baby you took care of? She gave him a small smile when he glanced up at her, a twinge of embarrassment in his features. "Sorry ma…bad habit." he straightened up in his seat and slowed down, mindful of his mother's watchful eye.
"It's fine. I'm just glad you're eating." she answered simply, taking a sip of water. "How did you spend the day?" I know he's not going to tell me about the conversation with Olivia.
"Job hunting." he answered simply. "I'm going to find a way into the police department somehow, just have to wait."
Natalia nodded. "Olivia has some positions open if you're interested."
Rafe cut her a look before swallowing his rude comment. "I don't think the hotel thing is going to work for me."
"Why not?"
"Because it's a handout, Ma. She's your boss, of course she's going to want to offer me a job. I don't want to owe her anything."
"And you're willing to owe Alan something?" Natalia heard Olivia's voice in her own tone. She softened her tone before continuing. "You wouldn't owe Olivia anything and believe it or not, she's much different now."
"I'm sure."
"A lot of things have happened since you've been gone, Rafe. Everyone changes."
He eyed his mother intently, chewing as she gave him a tight-lipped smile, her shoulders squared and jaw set.
"I'm not the same person I was when we first moved here. Or when you went away. I've grown up."
"So have I, Ma."
"Well there you go. Why is it so impossible to believe that Olivia just wants to help you the way everyone else here wants to help you?"
Rafe licked his lips, leaning back in his chair and cocking his head to the side. "I just want to do things my way, ma, okay?" he sighed and wiped his mouth with a napkin, taking his plate and standing up. "Thanks for dinner." He gave her a small half hug with his free hand and put the plate in the sink. She sat and finished her meal in silence, downtrodden that she couldn't say those simple words. I'm in love with Olivia.
Olivia wiped down the steamed up bathroom mirror with her right hand and watched her face appear. She looked tired. She felt tired but she also felt empowered because she laid her cards out on the table. Natalia knows what I want and knows that I'm willing to take my time with this, whatever this is. She knows that I want her now I want her to want me. Shetoweled off her hair, hoping that the icy chill that was dancing around the corners of her heart wouldn't find a way in.
Clad in her sweats and a t-shert, Olivia stared at the phone as it sat within reach of her right hand as she worked at her desk. She sighed as she watched the clock tick away another minute without so much as a text message from Natalia. What was I thinking? Rafe isn't my son, he's not my responsibility but he's being such a little turd and Natalia is my responsibility. Wait. No she's not. She's her own person but I feel protective of her. Rafe isn't an obstacle, he's her son and kids aren't pawns, I of all people should know that. She bit the top of her pen and chewed thoughtfully as the numbers and words blurred together into an illegible mess. I can't concentrate. She closed up the sheets in their folders and picked up her phone, returning to the bedroom, Natalia's number cued up on speed dial. There was a knock on the door and Olivia's heart leapt to her throat. Speak of the devil…She checked her hair and slipped the phone into her pocket before answering the door.
Emma stood with Rachel's mom, Laura, smiles on their faces.
"Jellybean!" Olivia greeted, stooping to pull Emma into a hug. "Thanks for taking care of her, it's been a really hectic week." Emma ran into her room to take her backpack off.
"Not a problem, she's a treat." Laura replied. "Have a good night."
"Thanks you too." Olivia closed the door and exhaled heavily. "Alright you, brush your teeth, a story and then bed!"
Olivia padded around the apartment, careful not to make too much noise. She turned out the lights, leaving only the nightstand light and TV on. She locked the door and slid the chain on, saddened she wouldn't get a visit from Natalia but knowing that it was probably for the best. But not by very much. She climbed into bed settling on top of the covers, leaning against the headboard and flipping trough channels. The cell phone sat on the nightstand.
Natalia said good night to Rafe and closed the door soundlessly behind her. She padded down the stairs to the second level she had given Rafe the attic, figuring he would want his privacy but she felt like he might as well be in the middle of the field. She passed Olivia's old bedroom and Emma's on her way to her own room, the doors closed as if they were haunted. She switched on the light in her bedroom and changed into her pjs. She washed her face and brushed her teeth, trying to focus on the tasks and not on the way that Olivia had spoken to her. He's your son Natalia. She frowned as she felt like this wait and see game was turning into a wait and leave game. She switched off the light to the bathroom and padded towards the bed, her cell phone sitting in the center of bedspread.
No missed calls.
She doesn't plan on calling me tonight. She's serious about this, about my having to make the first move. What is the first move? I never had this problem with Gus or Remy or even Frank. Then again, those are typically normal relationships, we weren't really friends the way Olivia and I are friends. Best friends. Friends who have apparently fallen very deeply in love. She sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the beaten up cover of The Bible as it sat surrounded by photos of herself, Olivia, Emma and herself with Rafe. She flipped it open and went bible dipping for answers. She smiled when her finger stopped at 1 Corinthians 13:4. "Love is patient, love is kind love is never arrogant with pride nor is she conceited." She cast a look at the phone as it lay silent on the bedspread.
Olivia was half asleep when the phone brrpt on the nightstand. She mumbled sleepily as she reached for the phone and bleary eyed looked at the screen. "Hello."
"I get what you're doing." Natalia said simply. She sat in her bed, the blankets gathered up at her waist.
"What am I doing?" Olivia muttered as she straightened up in bed and wiped the last traces of sleep from her eyes.
"You're telling me that you're ready and willing to wait and it's a test for you, since you're so used to getting what you want."
Olivia chuckled. "Okay…"
"And I know it's hard for you because…" Don't wuss out now. "Because you want me and don't know why."
Olivia's eyebrows went up in interest. "Really?"
"Yes." Natalia answered matter of factly. "You're contending with a lot of feelings you've never had before."
"Like what?"
"Patience and love." Natalia prayed she wasn't overstepping her boundaries with what she was saying. Who am I kidding, if I don't do something now, we both might just live the rest of our lives filled with what ifs and whys. "You're going to do it because you love me."
"I do."
Natalia's heart skipped. "I love you."
"And that's why I'm waiting. I know it's worth the wait, I know you're worth it and all of this is just dressing. You know, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Natalia blushed. "I couldn't tell him. Not yet."
"I don't expect you to. It's not something you just blurt out."
"Why does it feel like it is? Why does it feel like we should just be able to just say it."
"Say what?"
"That we're together."
"Are we?"
Natalia hadn't thought of that, she brought her knees to her chest and propped her chin on her right knee. "Well, you're not seeing anyone else are you?"
"No. Just you."
"So, we're being together. We just have to find a way to say that."
"We have to figure out how to be it." Olivia sank into her pillow, imagining having this conversation with Natalia. Maybe not in bed, but in person, quiet, just the two of us. "Once we get that settled, then the rest should fall into place."
Natalia nodded, remembering that Olivia couldn't see her. "I know." She sighed. I just want to kiss you again. "How was the rest of your night?"
"Emma came home, told me about the play date she had. We did the bedtime thing and here I am. Laura dropped her off though. Usually they just send her upstairs."
"Rachel's mom? Really?"
"I think she wanted to see the place." Or see if you'd be running around in lingerie.
"People are strange." Natalia mused.
"How was dinner?"
"Fine. Rafe actually, he, uh sat with me for dinner. He's having such a hard time with everything."
Who isn't? "He didn't say anything about the jobs."
"He wants to do it himself."
"Oh." I'm not surprised. "Well, the offer stands. Ashley's looking for something too, so if he's officially turning them down…I can't not hire someone else who's willing to do the work."
"I know. Thank you for trying Olivia."
Olivia bit her lip. "I'm sorry. About earlier. I know I'm overstepping my boundaries a little bit. That's why I'm backing off, so you have time and you can figure out what it is you want. You have so many things that are taking up your time and I just, I guess, I just got jealous that you were doting on Rafe and trying to do everything for him and not thinking about what's right for you."
"What is right for me?"
"Happiness. Your right to be happy."
Natalia nodded absently.
"I'm going to wait. It's not going to be easy but…"
"Nothing good is ever easy."
They sat in silence for a moment before Olivia heard the sound of Natalia switching off her lamp and snuggling into the sheets. Natalia yawned and adjusted the phone at her ear. "Still there?"
"Always." Olivia replied, switching off her own lamp and sliding back into the pillows.
"I am happy, you know." Natalia murmured sleepily. "You always manage to make me happy."
Olivia listened to her breathing as it evened out, she was falling asleep. The sound of her steady breathing lulling like beach waves to Olivia's ears. She lay on her side, listening to the sound of Natalia's steady breathing, waiting to join her in dreamland.