You Could Be Happy.
Part One.
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy; I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
--Snow Patrol.
She could feel him. His eyes digging into her back as she sat leisurely in her chair, the sun warming her bare shoulders. She was ignoring him and he knew she was. The thing was that Peyton Sawyer did not I want to ignore Lucas Scott, but she had to for her own sanity. They were living under the same roof with his girlfriend, Brooke Davis, who was also her best friend. However, they knew they both could feel the desire penetrate the silence, making his nearly unbearable to simply sit outside and have him watch her for hours on end. But, alas, their teen years had been exactly the same, only with brief intervals where they were allowed to indulge in what their hearts wanted and needed. Her eyes flitted for a moment behind her as she pretended to pick something off the back of his shirt. She caught his knowing smile in her direction; that boy still sent chills down her body. He shook her to her core and made her skin tingle without even touching her. She could still feel his weight on top of her, the warmth of his body consuming hers creating some sort of ecstasy that they could not explain.
Three years later, things were the same as their junior year of High School only they were now in their Junior year of college and far more endowed with the blessing called self-control. Although, sometimes, Peyton saw it as a curse. She would give anything to be able to just grab Lucas and show him exactly what he meant to her. Brooke was her best friend and even after two huge fights and friendship endings, they were closer than ever. Brooke told Peyton the last time she understood why Peyton loved Lucas so much and that she could actually have him. Lucas was hers! Oh the joy there had been in those brief months where she felt alive for the first time since her mother's death. But, no, in the end Brooke still got Lucas because Peyton had stumbled upon Brooke crying in her bed in the apartment they had shared in Tree Hill. She was sobbing about one thing or another and, in her moment of need, Peyton had comforted her and eventually the truth came out: Brooke still was in love with Lucas. Peyton panicked, knowing that her friendship with Brooke meant more than anything she could ever have with Lucas. So she gave him up and Brooke was happy again, which sparked the nights where Peyton was now awoken to the sounds of Brooke calling out Lucas' name as they shared a dorm in College.
But, after all, that had been the life she had asked for. The break up had been surprisingly easy seeing as Peyton had lied to Lucas' face.
Flashback
Peyton readied herself as she waited for Lucas to answer the door. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Brooke had no idea Peyton was doing this and Peyton half-expected herself not to do it at all. She loved Lucas so much and she didn't want it to be over, but she wanted her friend to be happy all the same. As soon as he opened the door, her thoughts were shattered as his happy smile. She returned his smile with a wary one as she sat down on his bed, staring at the fray at the bottom of her jacket, her blonde hair hanging in front of her face. She felt the bed sink down as he sat next to her, but she didn't look.
"Aw, Peyton, what's wrong?" He asked her, his hand reaching for her face as he tipped her chin up and over to meet her sad eyes. How could she do this to him? She loved Lucas Scott more than she had ever loved anybody and now she was just going to throw it away for Brooke, a girl who had thrown Peyton away more times than she cared to remember? She had to, though. Brooke needed Lucas more than she knew. Peyton had never been the type of person to be selfish or rude. Brooke had confessed that she wished she had never ended things with Lucas and now Peyton felt obligated to do something about it. "Lucas." Her voice was soft, but full of emotion. "Yeah, Peyton?" He asked and the silence impregnated the room as Peyton refused to speak. She could feel the waved of anxiety rolling off his body, mixing with her own guilt and anticipatory regret. She had to do this. She had to.
"We have to...we have too break...It's over, Lucas." Peyton's voice was small, almost miniscule and the way she spoke so slowly made it almost seem like she barely knew how to speak English anymore. In some ways, she didn't because she knew that there would never be a way to explain how she felt or why she had to break up with him. She couldn't explain what had possessed her to be so selfless to Brooke. Peyton's eyes dropped and she couldn't help but let the nostalgia wash over her as the silence enveloped the room again. Lucas shifted his weight on the bed and soon, it was gone. He was standing and Peyton was so ashamed, she couldn't bring herself to look up at the one man she had ever loved. "This is bullshit, Peyton, and you know it." Lucas' voice was icy, but Peyton could tell he was hanging by thread at that point. She closed her eyes tight, willing the scene to be banished from reality. She heard footsteps and the door slam and then Peyton was alone.
She had been alone ever since.
End flashback.
Unable to take him staring anymore, Peyton fled to the solitude of her room. Flipping on her stereo, she blasted it throughout her room, letting the lyrics take her away from this place that had held her mind for so long. She didn't want to spend the next years wishing she had never done something. Ever since she broke up with Lucas, no one else had made her feel the same. She hadn't held a boyfriend for more than two months and Brooke didn't seem to care. She and Lucas had been together since senior year seeing as Lucas had spent the rest of their senoir year of high school trying to convince Peyton that he was the one for her. So many speeches about how they were meant to be, so many nights where he was sitting on her bed when she came home. Peyton collapsed onto her bed, pulling the covers over her head and, shutting her eyes tight, she let out a whimper. She felt so helpless. Brooke had never even thanked her for letting her have Lucas. Every single day, Peyton had to pretend like she didn't love him, like she didn't care. Brooke went on being ditzy and happy with her boyfriend who, little did she knew, was only half in the relationship. He let his eyes linger on Peyton's slim body too long and he said too many things to Peyton that implied something more.
She could still feel him even when he was alone in her room. Her heart still beat for him and no matter what she couldn't rid herself of him. It was like Lucas was a stain on all her clothes. Everything reminded her of him-all the mundane facts of everyday life. Like when she dropped an apple in the store or when she ran a stop sign. They weren't linked to Lucas, but for a fleeting second, she could taste him again. For the tiniest moment, she had him again. But once she was thrust back into reality, she scolded herself for being so weak. She needed him and more than anything, she wanted him to just come and take her back. Walk into her room and say everything Peyton had wanted to say but couldn't. All she needed was one night.