Attempt For A Happy Ending

~Rescuing Snape~

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more

Mika - Happy Ending

When the rain started to pour down Severus Snape cast an Impervius charm over the thick foliage above him. Knowing it would be a while for the rain to stop he pulled the thin summer cloak around his waist and sat down.

He had gotten used to the daily rainstorm that started with a punctuality that suited him very well.

He watched the falling rain for a while, then opened the dragon hide bag he was carrying with him at all times and took out one of his last bananas – he would have to collect a few new ones – and then – after thinking about it for a moment – the black book he had taken to writing in on loose intervals.

Some would have called it a diary – which it was not. For Severus did not use it to keep track of events on fixed dates, but more in a pensive sort of way. He poured his thoughts inside – he just didn't care to ponder on them afterwards.

He opened it. It showed only blank pages. Still a bookmark indicated the one he had last written on.

Even though it was not a diary, he usually started with writing the date.

May, 2 - 1999

A whole year had passed since he had died. Almost died. Obviously. Or maybe: not quite survived – for something had died that day, indeed.

Snape had thought about the events of that day and night now and then. But he had never tried to put them down into words. To write it off in his – for lack of a better word – diary.

He sighed. It was time for it now – if he intended to follow his own set of rules of facing and writing down what came to his mind without delay.

He didn't like it and he dreaded it the way one would dread opening a pus-filled abscess. Knowing, it was still necessary to get rid of it.

Snape took his quill and thought for a moment. Then he began to write and didn't stop to think. Another one of his own set of rules.

I remember the day well. I felt calm in the morning – knowing, what was to come later on. But there was no way of changing anything anymore. Everything had fallen into place like Dumbledore had planned it.

I remember waiting in the Shrieking Shack, discussing the elder wand with the dar Voldemort.

I didn't see it coming. He caught me by surprise and disarmed me. It still makes me angry. Even though I know I could not have prevented it – for raising my own wand against him in protection would have been unthinkable.

I can still feel my wand flying from my hands.

I can still recall this feeling of being unprotected. Uncovered – almost naked.

And I still know the terror of realizing, what he was doing – while it happened. For when I realized what was going on, the snake already shot towards me.

Had Dumbledore planned this as well? I don't know. I still hope not. Not that I would have minded dying very much. But not that way.

Not wandless like a muggle, bitten by Voldemorts cursed snake.

I remember feeling the blood pour from my injuries and the burning pain as Naginis poison spread throughout my body.

I remember being worried. I still had to pass crucial information on to Potter. I was relieved, when he came.

A novelty.

I remember looking into his eyes – her eyes – while everything around me went dark and quiet. Apart from my own bloo,d that was pounding in my ears. I remember wondering dimly how it could still rush so fast, when I was losing so much of it so quickly.

Maybe I was wrong. Looking back I suppose I wasn't losing as much blood quite as quickly as I felt I was.

Then the pain went away and the pounding subsided. I was floating. Just slightly. And not physically – I remember, being aware of my body lying on the ground. Still I felt like I was floating. I was not fully unconscious.

It seems, there was a sort of space between life and death.

It was all there – and yet it wasn't.

I waited for my whole life to pass before my eyes – but that didn't happen.

Instead it seemed to me, that everything fell apart. Like a finished puzzle, turned upside down.

I could look at all the tiny pieces. Some of them seemed suddenly insignificant. Others, I regarded with contempt or regret. Precious little ones I gathered, to hold them dear.

But they seemed to slip though my hands and I couldn't reach them, couldn't touch them again.

Then I saw Lily. I don't know if she was really there. I don't know how that could be possible. But maybe she was. It doesn't matter. If she wasn't, whoever spoke to me, was speaking her mind. I knew her well – I can judge that.

She stepped up to me – without actually taking steps. She just was suddenly a lot closer. She hugged me silently and I held her tight. As tight as I possibly could.

I thought I should cry – but I couldn't. I didn't really want to, either. So I held her for what seemed eternally, until she took my face in her hands and carefully pushed bits of hair behind my ears.

She told me I had to let go. I knew she was right – but I didn't want to. I wanted to hold her until I knew nothing more. Yet within me a feeling began to grow, that that was not possible.

She told me I had done all that was possible. I had protected her son and avenged her death.

She forgave me.

I couldn't believe it.

So she said it again. And again. Over and over – until her words reached my heart.

"You have to let go, Sev", she said again but I still didn't want to.

"There is one more thing you need to do, Sev."

I groaned. I didn't want to do anything ever again. Especially I was sick of doing things I had to do. I have done things because I had to do them for so long. I wanted to be left alone. Well – not quite alone. I wouldn't have minded if Lily had stayed. Still I knew somehow that she wouldn't.

She looked at me with that strict look I knew so well. I grinned – like I always had when she had looked at me that way because it was so unlike her to be strict and stern. That was me.

"Severus Snape" she said, using my full name. It sounded weird. "You are such a talented guy. And so smart. You know that. I know you do. Stop grinning like that!"

I tried, but I couldn't stop. I felt stupid – but couldn't help it.

"Now look what you've made of your life. You should have been the next Dumbledore!"

That was an odd thought. She never had voiced anything like it. It hadn't crossed my mind either.

"Now what have you achieved? Thought up dark curses – is that what you are proud of? Is that, what you want to be remembered for? You are so much better than that, Severus. I always knew that. And I told you so. So many times. I believed in you. And I was right, wasn't I? You turned around and joined the right side. You were just a bit late. It was the last chance you took, and so you had to spend your life making amends.

And you did. You succeeded. You're done with it, now. Are you listening, Severus? Do you hear me? You are done with it!"

I looked at her. "Done with it?"

"Yes, done with it."

"Then there should be nothing left to do, wouldn't you say?"

She shook her head violently and her red hair flew all around. It made my heart jump with joy.

"No, Severus. What is left to do is what you really should have been doing."

"Excuse me?"

"Live, Severus. Live the life you were meant to live right from the start."

I sighed. I didn't really want to live. She knew I didn't.

"Let die, what is dead," she said and curled a bit of my hair around her index. She smiled at me – how could I resist that smile?

"You have to let go, Severus."

"I don't want to let go of you, Lily. I love you!"

There. I said it. Finally. I saw her eyes starting to glitter with tears. I didn't want her to cry.

"I know that. It saved you until now and what you have to do from now on is to let it carry you further."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I want you to live, Severus. I want you to be awesome and to show them, what you can do. I want you to come up with at least a dozen new potions. I want you to be adorable."

"Lily – somehow you were always the only one who was convinced I was. I can't change people's opinion of me."

"Of course you can. Just prove them wrong. And prove me right, Severus. Do it for me. Don't make me look foolish because I've always believed in you."

"But you didn't. You gave up on me. You refused to talk to me. You turned to Potter."

"I didn't give up on you. Not really. I just felt that there was nothing else I could say. I hoped you would figure it out for yourself – but you didn't. Until it was too late."

"Too late?"

"Too late for us."

It should have hurt – but it didn't. In that weird place where nothing really mattered and everything seemed to be filled with tranquility, where things were distant and close at the same time… it didn't hurt. Maybe it didn't because I had secretly known about it all the time and just never admitted it to myself.

"Now leave me here, Severus. Leave me here with all the pain. Let go. Let it die. Start anew. Go for it – and make me proud, this time around."

"A second life?"

"No, not really. Kiss me goodbye, Sev."

"I don't want to say goodbye."

"Kiss me goodbye, Sev."

I couldn't resist kissing her and so I did. Warmth flooded through me until it filled my whole body. I felt her vanish. Slowly. I knew, what I had to do – even if I didn't want to.

I opened my arms and let her go.

She smiled at me, while fading away. "I knew you could do it, Sev. You can do anything. Anything you want. Don't you forget that. Ever!"

"I love you, Lily."

"I know. I loved you too, Sev. Let it go."

"I can't."

"Remember me as someone, you once loved dearly. You cannot change, what was. But you can change what will be. Let got of me, Severus. Let me go."

I realized that she had stopped fading away. I knew it was me, holding her with me. As long as I held on to the love I felt.

"Letting go won't mean you never truly loved me, Severus. It will only mean that you have moved on. If you let go – I will be your strength. If you hold on, it will cause you pain. Like it has done for decades. You know I'm right."

"Seems you're always right."

"Always, Severus?" She smiled.

I smiled back and suddenly it seemed easy. "Always." And I let go of that feeling. I let her go, let her pass away into whatever it was. I knew, she wasn't really gone. She is still a part of me.

A part of my past.

Severus Snape stopped writing and put his quill aside. He stared into the rain, unseeing. It was pouring down with the same intensity as before. It would keep doing so for a while longer.

Severus looked at the half finished banana on his bag but had lost all appetite.

Thinking of his near death experience left him somewhat battered - emotionally. Not hurt. No. But he had never faced his emotions like this. It was new for him and he was very glad he was sitting in the midst of a tropical rainforest all on his own. Nobody was going to walk in on him and he wouldn't meet anyone anytime soon – Not unless he chose to do so.

He picked up his quill and continued writing, this time much slower.

I felt the pain return. The pounding in my ears was back. The floor was cold and hard again. I knew the potion had finally kicked in. I had taken it as a precaution. To make sure I could pass on what Potter needed to know. I hadn't expected to need it. I never expected the dVoldermort to kill me like that. I thought I would have been worthy of a proper death curse.

I came around while the potion was slowly doing its purpose.

I needed my wand. I tried to sit up as best as I could. I looked around for it, but couldn't see it. "WAND!" I said – hoping, it would come to me. My voice sounding like a creak. But nothing happened. "Accio WAND!", I tried again and this time something did jump at me. It was not my own wand, though – it was his old one. Voldemorts old wand, he had discarded, when he believed, the elderwand was finally his.

I breathed deep and mustered all the strength that I had left. I pointed it at one of the deep, bleeding gashes and mumbled the incantation. It worked. Three times I managed to close my own wound – although the third time it didn't close entirely. I decided to leave it as it was and to get out of the Shrieking Shack and somewhere safe. I kne, I needed to rest, for the potion was not yet finished with its work.

I didn't think I could crawl back all the way through the tunnel and I didn't want to end up on Hogwarts grounds either.

So I pointed his wand at the front door of the Shrieking Shack and lifted the Charms that had locked it for decades. I opened the door and stepped into the night. The sky was filled with curses. I could hear the shouting and screaming of the battle.

I closed the door behind me and then I just walked away. Walked into Hogsmeade, slowly. Expecting to meet villagers – but there was no one there. They were all either hiding or joining the battle.

I walked through empty streets toward the 'Three Broomsticks'.

The door was not locked. I walked on and threw floopowder into the fireplace. Next moment I was in Spinner's End.

I still felt distant to everything. A calm tranquility rested deep within me. I did, what I knew I had to do. Getting as much water next to my bed as I could, before I collapsed.

I don't remember how many days I lay there, while the fever was raging inside of me. A side effect of the powerful antidote.

When I came around, there were large blisters, filled with Naginis poison, on the spots where the wounds had been.

I had to get it out of those blisters without burning my skin. It was difficult – and thoroughly unpleasant. Needless to say it was painful, too. I had to take special care of the one where my spell had not healed the wound completely. But after a few days I was done. I was weak, but alive.

And not only my body was – my soul was, too. I felt different. Not enthusiastic. Mostly I felt calm. Although it may have been, that I was simply drowsy from exhaustion.

At one point I realized whose wand I was using. I found it repulsive, so I broke it several times and buried it in the backyard. I used my mother's old wand instead – which suited me surprisingly well.

After a few days I became restless. I felt I had to do something. I didn't want to sit around. I wanted some sort of purpose. But what?

I didn't want to contact anyone. I figured they were thinking I was dead. It was a welcome thought. Then I suddenly knew, what I was going to do. It didn't come to me as a single thought or a general idea – but as a fully-fledged plan. I was going to travel.

I enlarged the inside of my favourite bag and packed lightly. I left through the backdoor. I locked it routinely with all the spells and curses I have always used. Then I got my broomstick out of the tiny shed. It was a dark night. I accelerated fast anyway. I flew slightly above the clouds, enjoying the moonlight. I headed south as a general direction, without a specific aim. I flew into the rising sun, smiling. There was not a single care in the world. For the first time in my life – as long as I remember – there was not a single care in my life, none at all.

I landed when I was tired and couldn't hold the broomstick steady anymore. I was in France. I could see Mountains in the setting sun and booked a room in a small auberge. The sign looked remarkably like a cauldron and the warden turned out to be a small wizard with whiskers. He spoke no English, of course. But it didn't matter.

Next day I kept flying above the clouds. I didn't lose track of direction – I never bothered to keep one and spend the night in a German pup, located in an equivalent of Diagon Ally, where I purchased this writing book amongst other useful things. And a new wand. Maple, this time. With a feather of a 'Nightkrab' as a core. Apparently a large raven, which can appear and disappear and steals children who are out alone at night. Lovely.

I had had plans for the black writing book. A vague idea, what I would use it for, derived from my experiences with the antidote to Naginis venom.

The poison had to leave my body. I had to get through the process of cutting open the blisters and releasing it in order to return my body to full health and strength.

Lilys words had given me a certain idea: what if my soul, too, needed such a process? She had told me to let go of it all. But even though it seemed all very distant to me, still, and even though I could have put it away like it didn't really matter – like I always have found a way to get rid of things I didn't want to pay attention to – I felt that that would have been the wrong way.

Yet I'm not the sort of person to confide my private and most intimate concerns to anyone.

I wasn't comfortable with the book, either.

Until I devised a way to make the ink sink in and be invisible to anyone. Only to return by my command.

Still I carried it with me and didn't write into it until October the 31st. It was the day, when I realized I had to set myself rules for this writing endeavor – or I would never write anything into that book ever.

Severus Snape sighed deeply and put ink and quill away. He closed the book and looked onto its blank, black leather cover for a moment. Then he stowed it into his bag as well.

He could tell from the height of the rising damp that it had stopped raining quite a while ago.

He finished his banana and put the bag back over his shoulder.

He smiled. He felt good. Really good. As clean as the soaking wet forest around him. Nothing really mattered – he was doing, what he wanted to do. And only what he wanted to do. It felt awesome.