Godspeed
Summary:Jack's feelings on his and Sam's first child
Category:Angst,
Romance
Season:Future story, AR
Pairing:Jack/Sam
Disclaimer:I don't own them, if I did, Sam & Jack
would be together. 'Nuff said. Also, I've never been pregnant.
I have no idea what it would be like to be pregnant or have a baby,
so if I get that part wrong, no offense is intended. I have no
children of my own. I am, however, an Aunt 23 times over and I've
done my share of changing dirty diapers and middle-of-the-night
feedings.
Acknowledgements:Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) was written by Radney Foster and performed by the Dixie Chicks. No infringement is intended. I just love the song and though it fit so perfectly, I couldn't get this out of my head and had to commit it to paper.
Jack stood in the doorway to his son's bedroom listening to Sam sing her favorite lullaby as she sat in the rocker feeding little Jacob. Sam looked beautiful holding Jacob to her breast, singing softly, rocking gently, eyes closed and a blissful expression on her face.
Sam had always been able to take his breath away, but now . . . seeing her with his son . . . his son! Jack was overwhelmed with love for the boy. Jacob was his chance at redemption for Charlie. No one could ever replace Charlie and Jack would always carry the guilt for his death, but maybe, just maybe, he could do it right this time.
Jack was determined to be the best father he could be. Jack was going to be home and attend games, play catch and guide Jacob through the big bad world on his way to being a man. All the mistakes Jack had made with Charlie would be used to become a better father. Nothing was more important to him.
Jack recalled when Sam had told him she was pregnant. Sam's routine blood tests at the SGC had picked up the pregnancy within days of conception. They hadn't been trying to get pregnant, but they hadn't been preventing it either. Sam had left the infirmary, walked into his office with a bemused look on her face and suggested they go home. Jack had been curious, but knew she'd tell him what was up when she was ready.
They'd walked into the house and Sam had taken his hand and led him to their bedroom. Once there, she had pulled her T-shirt from her jeans and placed his hand on her taught stomach and had given him her biggest megawatt smile. "I'm pregnant."
For long moments Jack had stood with his hand on her stomach and a poleaxed expression. He didn't move and barely breathed as he stared into the depths of her blue eyes. Slowly a smile to match hers crept across his features. "Really?" It was hardly more than a whisper, as if he were afraid he might be dreaming.
"Really. I'm going to have our child, Jack. After Jolinar . . . Janet said I might never be able to have children. I'm so glad she was wrong and I wish so much that she were here." Sam's smile turned sad as she remembered her friend. "She would have been thrilled for us."
Jack nodded, remembering the 5'2" dynamo who would threaten him with huge needles, but mothered him through every wound and every illness. His friend. "I miss her too and you're right, she would have been thrilled."
Jack turned from his memories to more immediate concerns. "She would also have ordered you to scale back your hours and not miss any more meals playing with your doohickies."
Jack was smiling, but he was also serious. After nine years, the last of which they'd spent in wedded bliss, he was well acquainted with the SGC's premiere astrophysisist's habit of long hours and skipped meals. He wasn't going to let Sam get away with any of that. This was his child too and he even if he couldn't do much more than play a support role while she was carrying, he was going to make sure she took care of her body.
"I know. Dr. Lam has already talked to me about it. I promise I'll do everything I can to keep myself healthy. I want this child, Jack. I want him to be healthy and happy. I want . . ." Sam ran out of words. She was starting to tear up at the thought of their child. Jack's child.
"Him? It's to early to tell isn't it?" Jack's heart had skidded and bumped when he heard Sam refer to their child as he. Fear griped him.
"Jack, I'm sorry. I forgot. Charlie . . ."
"Shhhh. It's okay." Jack didn't let her continue as he pulled her tight into his arms, trying to calm the anxiety creeping up his spine. Now wasn't the time to drag out the old hurt. "I'm going to be the best Dad I can, Sam. I promise I won't make the same mistakes . . ."
Now it was Sam's turn to quite Jack. She reached a hand to his face, gently stroking his jaw, "Don't worry, I know. You're great with kids, Jack. Look at Cassie. You'll be a great dad."
Jack's smile wasn't quite as wide as it had been, but he pushed and shoved away his doubts. Now was definitely not the time. Jack searched Sam's eyes for any reservations or hesitation, but saw none. Only love and complete trust shown in her azure gaze. He took a deep breath and brought his hand up to hold hers as it caressed his face. "Sam, I love you so much," Jack whispered, as he brought his lips down to cover hers. It was a gentle kiss, filled with promise and overwhelming joy at the thought of their child. Jack slowly walked Sam to the bed, never stopping his sweet assault of her lips.
Jack made love to Sam as if it were their first time, slow and gentle. Pausing often to kiss and caress her stomach, murmuring endearments to his unborn child.
Sam was swamped with feeling. Joy and love for this incredible, complex man. His sarcastic humor; his self-effacing, humble attitude. The intelligence he tried so hard to hide. Jack didn't view himself as a hero, just a guy doing his job, but he was her hero. He always had been.
Afterward, they lay quietly together, coming down from the euphoria. "I want a nursery with stars on the ceiling, Jack. Our child is going to know about the stars and how they brought us together."
Jack smiled. The stars certainly had brought them together and she had turned his life upside down from the moment she had walked into the briefing room and challenged him to arm wrestle. She, Daniel and Teal'c had saved him, brought him back from the brink of self destruction. Daniel had begun the work of healing his soul on the first Abydos mission and over the years Jack had found far more reasons to live. In the end, thanks to Danny, T, and especially Sam, Jack had finally accepted that he was allowed to not just live, but be happy as well.
Jack had thought his happiness complete when he and Sam had finally gotten their act together at his cabin, but that joy was eclipsed with the news of his child.
"Anything you want Sam. We'll decorate any way you want." Sam turned her head up from his chest and he leaned down to kiss her lightly on the forehead.
And so it had been. The nursery was done in bold colors. No pastels for their boy. Sam had insisted and Jack had to admit, the effect was a comfortable, rough and tumble nursery that would become a terrific boys bedroom. Jack had installed fiberoptic lights in the ceiling – at random and with specific constellations mixed in – the Big Dipper, the North Star, Orion, Cassiopeia and the Southern Cross, among others. Jack liked to think it was the only place in the Northern Hemisphere where you could see both the North Star and the Southern Cross in the same sky.
Jack had found Sam in the room one night quite close to her due date. She was sitting in the rocker, stroking her belly and singing softly:
Dragon
tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost
boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love
you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh
my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet
dreams
The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in
pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, we'll find the mouse
And
I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh
my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet
dreams
God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and
thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we
are
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams,
little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels
wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
Jack had been entranced. Sam was beautiful. Round to bursting with Jacob; swollen and bloated, but she was still the most beautiful woman Jack had ever seen. The lullaby had been perfect. Godspeed. George had always said that before missions, especially the dangerous ones and SG-1 had always managed to come back – battered, beaten and sometimes from the dead – but they had always come back. Jack liked to think the lullaby protected Jacob the same way George had protected SG-1.
That night Jack had woken drenched in sweat and shaking. Sam held him tight to her chest as she tried to ease the nightmare. When Sam had first been pregnant, Jack would awaken almost nightly from the horror of a single gunshot repeated over and over. The image of Charlie bleeding to death in his arms. The helpless agony and guilt. He could keep the demons at bay when awake, but at night they stole into his dreams to taunt him. With Sam's constant assurance, the nightmares had eased off, but they still made an appearance now and again, leaving him shattered in their wake.
Jack had gone out and bought the best gun safe on the market. He realized with the line of work Sam and he were in, it would be impossible to ban firearms from the house - the NID was still a threat and Ba'al was still out there – but he could ensure that Jacob would never be able to get to the guns. With Sam's encouragement he also agreed to teach Jacob about guns and gun safety as soon as he was old enough to start learning. Jack had made the mistake with Charlie of banning all guns and refusing to discuss his reasons for the ban. He wouldn't repeat that mistake again.
Sam's water broke while she was in her lab. Jack had tried to ban her from working up to term, but she was healthy and he wasn't her superior anymore. That didn't stop him from trying and they'd gotten into a heated discussion on more than one occasion, but Sam had Dr. Lam's backing. Jack had finally gotten her to compromise by working only 8 hours a day and eating small meals every 2-3 hours. It was a reduction in work schedule from her normal hours and though he wasn't entirely happy with the solution, he'd resigned himself to it being better than nothing. Daniel and Teal'c conspired with Jack to ensure that Sam ate when she was supposed to and took breaks at regular intervals.
Sam chaffed a bit under the pampering, but knew protesting was futile. Jack was at his stubborn best. Daniel was as giddy as a schoolboy at the thought of being an uncle and Teal'c – well, all Teal'c had to do was cock his head and raise an eyebrow to Sam's protests. It was as close as the big man came to a rebuke and Sam always backed down. Jack was grateful for the assistance.
When Sam went into labor, she had calmly gone to the locker room, showered and changed her cloths before heading to Jack's office. He was sitting in his chair, feet on his desk, flicking his yo-yo over and over while talking on the Red phone. Sam knocked quietly and waited; Jack waved her in to take a seat, but she continued to stand until he hung up the phone.
"Jack . . ."
"Yeah?" He was distracted. He removed his yo-yo and shuffled files on his desk, almost forgetting she was there.
"Jack," Sam repeated as she waited for his full attention.
Startled, Jack turned to Sam and realized she looked a bit flushed and was panting lightly. He got up and walked around his desk to take her by the arms, gazing at her intently. It dawned on him then, "Oh my GOD! You're in labor, aren't you!" Sam just nodded.
"WALTER!" Jack shouted. "WALTER, I NEED YOU, NOW!"
Walter appeared as if by magic, took one look at Sam, said "Is Colonel O'Neill in labor . . .?" He didn't eve wait for a reply as he shot out the door and was on the base intercom in seconds, "Code Blue, Code Blue, Colonel O'Neill is in labor!" The signal had been prearranged for months. The entire base had been eagerly anticipating the birth and the tension had been mounting in the last week as Sam's due date approached. Once Walter had alerted the base he dialed Dakara to get the news to Teal'c. All of the old SG-1 needed to be together.
Daniel and an orderly with wheelchair came flying down the hall. Jack bundled Sam into the chair and practically shoved the orderly aside as he wheeled her to the elevator. Sam glared and growled, "I'm not an invalid, you know! I can walk! I walked up here didn't I?" Her protests fell on deaf ears. Nothing was going to keep them from protecting her as much as possible.
The labor was long. Jack, Daniel and Teal'c took turns walking her around the base to help speed the labor, but she was slow to dilate. Finally, Dr. Lam discussed introducing drugs to step up the labor. Sam agreed. She was starting to tire.
Once heavy labor began, Jack sat behind her, supporting and pressing into her low back when the contractions hit. Sponging her face and talking meaningless nonsense to try to distract her.
Sam was pretty vocal toward the end, "This is all your fault! I am NEVER doing this again, do you HEAR ME! NEVER! JESUS CHRIST, just get him OUT, NOW! That's an ORDER, Doctor!"
Dr. Lam chuckled, "As soon as possible Sam, now push, you're almost there."
Sam bore down and then again, "Good, the head is out, now one more time for the rest."
A loud squalling filled the air as Jacob Carter O'Neill took his first breath and screamed at the injustice of being expelled from his warm cocoon and into the bright, cold room. Dr. Lam quickly cleaned him, counted fingers and toes and laid him on Sam's chest.
As soon as she saw her son, Sam forgot all about the pain. This was her son, Jack's son. She looked up to see Jack behind her. He was dumbstruck and awed at the same time. Tears were forming in his eyes. "He's beautiful, Sam" came the hoarse whisper.
Jack was trembling and terrified. He felt like his heart was expanding beyond his body and would burst with joy. He had a son – again – a son. The woman he loved with all his heart and soul had given him a son. Sam loved him and trusted him with her son. His son. Jack's joy was edged slightly with pain at the thought of Charlie and all his failures, but in the months of Sam's pregnancy, Jack had quietly battled his remaining demons. Jack had reached a state of comfort in the idea of fatherhood. He would never be able to forgive himself for Charlie's death and it was a relief to Jack that Sam never insisted try. That psychology would never, could never, work for Jack. His sense of duty and responsibility would never permit him to lay aside his guilt, but he had come to peace with it and in that peace, Jack had come to accept that he could be a father again, a good father.
Jack could hardly believe his luck. His son! Jacob Carter O'Neill. Sam was looking at Jack with such love and tenderness. She had been afraid he would be over come when their child was born, and Jack had been, but in the best of ways. She could see the fear as his trembling hands reached to cradle Jacob to his chest, but she also saw boundless love and devotion. Jack was going to be okay, better than okay. The last tear in his soul was now patched with the living bond of their son.
Sam lay back and settled into Jack's arms and closed her eyes and thanked the Gods for watching over her and hers.