Set during 'Funeral', I just felt that there was so much Finn goodness to work with, and voila, a pointless one-shot! It'd mean the world to me if you left a review! (Also, for those waiting on other updates, after the 25th of this month, my finals will be finished and I'll be updating again regularly).
Thanks for reading!
Disclaimer - I don't own Glee or Charlotte Bronte, just in case you were curious
Finn scribbles across what feels like the fiftieth piece of paper he's ripped from his notepad. He writes and writes and writes and he knows that what he's writing is a load of crap but he needs to get it out if he's going to concentrate on Nationals.
So he writes everything in order of how it happened to clear his head, and he doesn't care if he cries because he's used to that now; life can really suck. He just hopes, by the end of this thing, he can find some kind of peace (but not like dead kind of peace, he does want to be alive and stuff).
1. Thanks for not being my friend
Jesse St. James, New Directions' show choir consultant. Is Mr Schue serious? He admires his teacher and everything, he really does, 'cause the dude got him through all the pregnancy stuff and he's always been a good mentor, you know? Besides, if it wasn't for him and that Chronic Lady (he still has no idea where that came from but hell yeah for magically appearing pot!), he wouldn't be in glee club listening to this crap.
Oh, well maybe that's a bad thing, but what he's trying to say is that while Mr Schue is one of the coolest teachers Finn's ever had, he isn't perfect, and he makes really dumb mistakes sometimes. Take last year for instance. He let Jesse St. Jackass transfer to McKinley, let him get close to Rachel, let him get close to the morale of the club, and then he let him destroy them all from within. And sure, it wasn't Mr Schue's fault exactly, but he did trust Jesse when everyone told him not to.
And it's like déjà frickin' vu or something because it's happening all over again. Out pops Jesse with his stupid smarmy face and his stupid need to constantly impress Rachel, and doesn't anyone remember what happened last year? He was a spy, he deserted them, he egged Rachel!
But that doesn't matter anymore, and honestly, Finn thinks he's just time travelled to the past to a time when this crap hadn't happened because no one seems to even care (and Rachel's clapping for God's sake).
His first instinct is to stand up, kick a chair and punch the jackass in the face, but after the prom stuff, he decides to voice his distrust in a pretty civilised manner, without shouting or insulting him (he still wants to though, so much).
"I don't trust this guy. How do we know he's not just going to trick us into doing something stupid so his alma mater wins?"
Finn waits for everyone to agree with him. He's the leader, right? (co-captain, same difference). So they should listen to what he has to say because he knows this creep, and he knows he's here to screw them over somehow.
"I don't think I need to do much tricking to get you to do something stupid, Finn."
Fucking little-
Don't say anything Finn, Mr Schue will stand up for you.
"Guys, Jesse is just a consultant; I still make all the calls."
Yeah, thanks man, way to make your kids feel good as usual. Finn slumps a little, barely listening to what Jesse has to say. It kinda irks him how no one said anything to Jesse, you know, to stick up for him, 'cause he's not stupid.
...is he? No, he's not, and if anything, he knows that he's not gonna drop out of college for being a general moron, so he smirks a little to himself; he can totally take St. James on.
"Now I was talking with Jesse and he agreed we should continue with our successful trend of doing original songs for the competition," begins Mr Schue, and Finn rolls his eyes a little 'cause really, can you call it a trend when they've only done it once? "I was thinking of doing one group number and one duet."
And then he's in there like a shot, like a dog who pees on every tree so other dogs know that um... Wait, they do that to mark their territory, right? Yeah, that's what he meant, he's marking his territory, and with Jesse about, Finn feels kind of threatened; old habits and all that.
"Rachel and I should sing a duet; we killed it last year at Regionals with Faithfully." He only has a split second to think on it, but two things happen when he suggests singing with his ex-girlfriend. The first is a strange, uncomfortable tug on his heart which makes him gulp painfully and his pulse quicken; the second is remembering that stupid ultimatum Quinn made a few weeks ago (ooops, he kinda forgot about that but whatever).
And yeah, then Quinn insults them (even though she was too busy at the hospital with that baby to even be there for their loss at Regionals) but he doesn't really listen 'cause he just needs Mr Schue to say yes, please; he misses singing with Rachel.
Urgh, weird, his heart or something hurts again.
But it doesn't matter anyway, does it? Jesse St. Douchebag, the ultimate cock/singing block, says that Finn looks like a zombie who has to poop (seriously, that's the best he's got?) and, once again, no one jumps to his aid.
In fact, his 'friends' laugh at him. He can see them, out the corner of his eye, moving away so they can hide their smirks, and he knows the sound of Puck stifling a laugh all too well. Where's his brother during this, huh? They're closer than ever, but he can't at least defend Finn's singing and dancing ability? Where's his girlfriend? Where's his best friend? Where's every kid in glee club who Finn's tried his best to be supportive to?
He doesn't ask where Rachel is, because as each day passes, he's finally seeing the stuff that's happening all around him. Jesse's back and she's fallen right into his trap because she thinks that Finn's no longer interested; his friends don't seem to give a damn.
Jesse talks about having a star performer, and Finn bites back his resentment for long enough to object.
"Mr Schue, don't you think this is kinda not our style?"
"Normally I'd agree with you Finn-" And then Sam swoops in to save the day, and Finn thinks about how much he likes the blonde haired kid. Sure, they've had their ups and downs, but he's a friend, one who's willing to- "but this is the big time; I think we should listen to Jesse."
Great.
2. He's stolen my voice
Finn's thought long and hard and he's decided not to go for the solo. For one thing, it'd be kinda weird 'cause he's never actually performed a solo at a competition before; Rachel's usually the one who does that kind of thing (there's a reason for that you know).
And then there's the small part of him that does wanna audition for the solo. Maybe he doesn't have as much training as Rachel (okay, so he has like zilch) but he loves performing just the same, and his songs usually go over well in glee club, right?
Three times, three fucking times he tries to sign up. He stands next to the wall, staring at the audition sheet, and there are already three names on there; Santana, Kurt and Mercedes. Huh, three names, just like his three attempts to be brave and confident and happy. He holds the pen between his fingers, toying with the string, and he tries to write his name on the sheet, he really does, but he can't. He figures it's nerves, so he leaves to go to the bathroom, hoping that a need to pee was the problem. He takes the pen once more, lets out a low sigh, then paces up and down the hallway, shaking his head. What the fuck's the matter with him? He's not scared of the competition, not really, 'cause they're good singers and everything but so is he, no matter what the hell Jesse says.
In his third attempt to sign his goddamn name, he nearly rips the pen and paper from the wall, and instead settles with the realisation that he just can't do it, not after being humiliated during glee club. He puts it to the back of his mind, goes to class, and as he walks to the cafeteria for his lunch, he numbs his gaze as he walks past the signup sheet, barely noticing Rachel's presence.
"Hey, you haven't signed up to be the lead vocalist at Nationals!" Crap, he should have just gone another frickin' way. He keeps on walking though because he can't cope with her, not now (and yeah, he looks back for a minute as she continues to talk, but he keeps on walking, keeps on walking). "Hey, you're the male lead of this group, Finn! Everyone looks to you for guidance!"
Pssh, that's rich; they look to him for guidance? Oh, so they expect him to show them the way, yet they still don't have his back when he needs them? Sure, that's totally fair.
"I don't need Nationals to feel better about myself." He tries to sidestep her 'cause he doesn't want to have this conversation, especially not with Rachel.
"We...we've been working towards this moment for two years now."
He has to grit his teeth to stop himself from saying something he's gonna regret. Besides, Rachel's not the one that caused him to doubt himself, so at least he can be honest with her (he can always be honest with her). "And I've been busting my ass to be a better singer and dancer for two years, and that Jesse kid comes in and wipes out all that hard work in ten seconds." He lowers his voice a little, having a hard time looking at her. "My confidence is shot."
She tells him that she he's really good, that he has to believe her, but he can't do it, he knows that now. Last year, Jesse appeared and stole all the solos, ("Finn, why did you stop singing?" "Because you started giving all the male leads to Jesse, kinda shook my confidence, you know?") and now it's round two and he's somehow stolen all the solos again without even being in the glee club.
Awesome.
3. I can't answer these questions
Finn hears about Jean's death through a Cheerio. He had to get the janitor to change his locker after the old lock kept sticking, and now he's having a hard time trying to remember his combination (he has a special rhyme that he uses to remind himself but he's forgotten the rhyme, and all he can remember is the Barney song). As he's struggling with the combination, he overhears two Cheerios talking about funerals and bad luck, and usually he doesn't listen to gossip (the whole Muckraker thing is one of the reasons why), but when Sue Sylvester's name keeps cropping up, he eavesdrops. He feels a sickness in the pit of his stomach when he hears the words 'her sister died', and though he doesn't know how the girls found out, he knows that that kind of rumour has to be true; no one jokes about death.
The first thing Finn does is look for Kurt. The night before, the two of them bitched about Jesse while they drank their milk together, and Finn knows that it wasn't anything personal when Kurt didn't stand up for him (he hopes so, anyway). He's always thought of Rachel as his best friend, and Puck before that, but Kurt's slowly forced his way into that position too, and you know, having three best friends is pretty awesome.
"Sue Sylvester's sister passed away," he says breathlessly. He finds him in the auditorium practicing his audition song, and when he sees the pain flash across Kurt's face, he can't described how much he loves his brother in that one moment.
The decision to help her is a mutual thing. Whether people realise it or not, Finn likes helping people if he can, and though Sue's always been, well, a total bitch, she still deserves support during such a difficult thing. Kurt instantly agrees, and they try and come up with a way to make a difference.
"Coach Sylvester?"
"We brought you some flowers and stuff; we're sorry for your loss." Finn holds the stuffed cat awkwardly in his huge hands, and he kinda begins to question why he thought bringing a toy with him would help, but it's too late for that now.
And then the questions start, questions neither of them can answer. He understands that Coach Sylvester would want to question why they're helping, but ugh, Finn just doesn't know how to answer any of them.
Why'd you bother doing this?
How do you think you can help me?
How come I'm the one still standing here, talking to you?
He doesn't know.
4. Suck on that!
"We need to help her; she's overwhelmed and she needs us to help her." Finn's known this all along, but he's worried that, once again, the glee club is just gonna do nothing while Jesse orders them all around like puppets. At least he has Kurt's support on this one, and as they stand at the front of the group together, he feels proud of himself, of them.
"We're not doing it for Sue, we're doing it for her sister," Kurt insists, and Finn's really glad that he's helping out.
"Jean's just like us, guys. She's been an outsider and an underdog all of her life; we all of people should celebrate that."
He can see the idea passing around the group silently, and he can see on the faces of his friends that they agree with him, and then fucking Jesse has to open his stupid mouth, talking about set lists and the circle of life or some crap, and seriously, how insensitive can you be?
"No. Thanks for your input Jesse but we're helping Sue with the service for her sister." You know that thanks? He's not sure if he's ever meant anything less than he means that because the only thing he'd ever thank Jesse for is getting lost (one day it better happen). It feels awesome, and people actually nod in agreement and it's cool! He's always been a leader and stuff, but standing up to people gives him such an adrenaline rush. "Rachel, you said I needed to be more of a leader to this club well here goes; I'm making the call, we're doing this."
Hudson one, St. Jerkoff zero. He doesn't like people who brag, so Finn just looks at Jesse and tells him silently - 'Fuck. You.'
5. I still don't like her but this is important
Sue tells Finn and Kurt to go to the nursing home whenever they want. She gives them directions, she tells them where to go and who to talk to when they get there, and then it's just the two of them standing in a stranger's room, sorting through her worldly possessions while they decide what to keep and what to throw away forever.
It kind of hits Finn hard. As they box up her old things, her stuffed animals and her clothes and her collection of seashells that are all kinds of pretty, he can't help but think of his dad's stuff that they used to keep in the basement. When they moved, his mom had to make some sacrifices, and she threw away some of his uniforms and stuff, and okay, maybe that made Finn cry for a while, but only because he didn't wanna part with any of it. At least Kurt knew his mom, and at least he has memories of her that he can keep with him in his heart; Finn has nothing. When he thinks that though, he feels selfish and mean 'cause in another sense, he's lucky that he didn't know his dad; at least he couldn't get attached.
The two of them sort the items into piles of what they'll think Sue will appreciate. They talk about all kinds of things, which is really cool, but they don't talk about their dead parents, and they don't talk about how hard their task is, otherwise they wouldn't be able to do it.
They talk about Jesse though, and Rachel, and Kurt mentions her audition solo and how it made him cry.
"Why didn't you go and watch her?" he asks quietly, curiously. To be honest, Finn had been expecting this much earlier so it doesn't really phase him.
"Busy," he says gruffly, flicking through a bunch of Jean's old photos.
"Uh huh." There's an awkward silence for a few minutes until Kurt places his hands on his hips as he stares at his brother. "And why didn't you come and see me?"
The two of them share an honest, genuine laugh, and Finn even pats Kurt on the shoulder as he nods his head, grinning from cheek to cheek. "I am sorry about that dude, I honestly was busy. My sources say you nailed it though, and I really hope you get the solo."
Kurt's cheeks flush with colour for a second before he shakes his head, and that kinda confuses Finn. "No you don't; you hope Rachel gets the solo, and honestly, after her performance... So do I." He drops a stuffed koala into one of the boxes before wagging his finger in Finn's direction. "Don't tell her I said that, otherwise I'm going to-"
"Boys." Both of them jump at Sue's sudden appearance; thank God they're almost done. "I see you've both been working hard, and my secret mission to try and wear you both down before Nationals might actually have been a success." Finn smiles awkwardly and lets Kurt take charge, and then they both explain how they've organised Jean's possessions.
"Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," Finn announces as they try and spark some kind of conversation with the woman sitting on the bed beside them. He loves that movie. Sure, the newest version is cool, with Johnny Depp and the same guy that plays all of the Oompa Loompas, and it's kind of trippy like the original, but he grew up with the old one, and he's not ashamed to admit that he knows all the songs word for word.
"I love that movie," whispers Kurt, and Finn smiles at his brother with a nod; they can totally watch it together some night.
"You take it. It's probably worn out since she watched it at least three times a week." Kurt frowns and Finn looks down at the video tape in his hands, thinking about how much technology has advanced over the years. He still has a ton of movies on VHS (he's pretty cheap and doesn't wanna pay to get them all on DVD, and at the same time, it's nice to hold onto something from his childhood, you know?). He's about to thank Coach Sylvester for letting them keep it when she drops the bombshell; she wants them to throw everything out.
"But there are a lot of memories here," he insists pathetically. How can she be so heartless? Her sister is gone and she just wants to get rid of all of the things that were important to her? He's never pretended to understand half of the things this woman does, but this; this is just insane.
"You know, I'm not short on memories of my sister so."
Then pow pow pow, as per usual, Sue Sylvester insults them and makes them feel like crap. Finn and Kurt, they're just trying to help her, and yet she has to make them feel awful; how is that even fair?
But then she admits that she's worried no one will turn up for the funeral, and every bit of anger in Finn disappears in that one moment. She's right. The belongings, the keepsakes; they're not gonna bring Jean back, and as long as she has her memories then she's good to go.
He looks over at Kurt, pulls a 'I feel like a jerk for being surprised' kind of face, and as his brother continues sorting the possessions, Finn looks down at the tape still sitting in his hands. Helping out with this kind of thing is fine and stuff, but he really wants to make a difference, he does. No matter how mean Sue is, and no matter how many times she's screwed them all over, no one deserves to say goodbye to their sibling alone.
"I have an idea," he says hesitantly; here's hoping it doesn't blow up in his face.
6. I've never been prouder... Okay, maybe this one time
Being a leader is both cool and difficult. The cool part comes from the satisfaction of making good things happen, and helping those that are under your care. The difficult part comes from the sensitivity of bossing people around. Finn doesn't like overstepping boundaries and hurting people's feelings, but sometimes you gotta man up and say 'hey, you, do this 'cause I said so!'
This is one of those times, and when he tells the glee club that they've gotta work on making the service a Willy Wonka theme, he waits for everyone to complain. After all, chocolate fountains are expensive, even just to hire, and they'd all have to paint the mushrooms and candy decorations from scratch.
"That's an amazing idea Finn," beams Rachel, and she jumps up from her seat to pat him on the arm while Finn smiles and nods (it could have been totally awkward, but Jesse's taken a day off to 'rejuvenate his soul' or some shit; it's probably because he's scared of hard work and is still licking his wounds after Finn told everyone what to do; either way he's super pumped about his absence). He tries to ignore that weird feeling in his chest again, like someone's squeezing his heart, and he simply smiles at the rest of the group.
"I have to admit Finn, I'm really impressed with both of you," says Mr Schue, and holy crap, is that a compliment from the guy who always reacts too slowly?
Nah, that's kinda harsh, Finn loves Mr Schue and he doesn't really mean to be pissy at him; he's still grateful that he approves though.
"Okay, did you guys want to get started then? We have a lot to do, and there's a song I think we should all sing." There are no grumbles or complaints, and everyone gladly gathers around Finn and Kurt, waiting to hear what they need to do.
At this point, Finn's never been more proud of anyone... apart from Rachel at Regionals, but he decides to focus on his mushrooms.
7. I don't know what to feel
The funeral comes and goes, and during that time, Finn goes from being proud to humbled to sympathetic to pissed.
He's proud of how perfect and kinda magical everything looks, and considering the glee club did it all themselves... he's so impressed.
He's humbled, because Coach Sylvester lets them sing, even though she hates everyone in glee club, and that one moment when she thanked them... he can't describe how amazing that was, especially coming from her.
He's sympathetic, because it's obviously a difficult time for everyone and even if he didn't know Jean, it's clear that she was such a great person.
He's pissed because he's a screw up, and he's always been a screw up, not good enough for anyone.
He leaves before anyone else does. He tells Mr Schue that he needs to get some air, and that's partly true, but God, that speech. He rushes out of the doors and he sees Coach Sylvester thanking the priest guy for the service or something, and he notices that this is the first time he hasn't seen in her something that has stripes down the sleeves; that's kinda nice, too. Anyway, he tries to walk the other way but she grabs him by the arm with that insane grip of hers, and he's not sure that it's okay to punch a lady at her sister's funeral.
"Wait, Lurch, I need to say something." Finn stops pulling 'cause he always did like The Addams Family, and he nods, though he's not really sure what's coming. "Thank you."
He gives her his best crooked smile (the only one he can muster when he feels like he's gonna rip his own hair out), and he pats her gently on the shoulder. "You're welcome Coach."
The moment, if it can even be considered one, is quickly over, and Finn hurries towards his truck where he can get some peace, just for a minute. He slumps into the driver's seat, pulls out his phone, then Googles the words 'Jane Eyre musical'.
Finn knows all about invisible tethers. He used to watch old movies with his mom, and though he fell asleep most of the time 'cause they never had any kickass actions scenes, he (pretty embarrassingly) enjoyed some of them, like anything that had Cary Grant in, and It's a Wonderful Life (so empowering and inspiring, and one of his secret favourites). Maybe he hasn't seen every single musical like Kurt has, and maybe he still hasn't seen Titanic (big boat crashes and nearly everyone dies; yeah, not really his kind of thing), but he knows about romance and stuff.
Jane Eyre; he saw that when he was nine. Okay, so it hadn't been as lame as some of the other crap he'd had to sit through, but it had been bearable. The acting was pretty mediocre (he didn't really get the big deal over that Orson Welles guy) and it was all a bit overdramatic, but the storyline was cool-ish.
"It's Musical Monday!" announced Kurt, pulling Finn out of his room by his hand. "Your milk is nice and warm and ready for you to drink, and mom and dad are waiting for you to join us!" Kurt skipped away, leaving Finn to smile to himself, even if he still had a lot of adjusting to do. For starters, 'Musical Monday' was Kurt's attempt to enlighten the Hummel-Hudson household by watching at least one musical a week, and no one was allowed to back out. Secondly, the warm milk thing was still a little strange, but Finn kinda loved that; it tasted good, it made Kurt happy and it made them feel closer as brothers, you know? And then there was the whole 'mom and dad' thing. He knew Kurt loved Finn's mom, and that was super awesome because they were starting to act like a normal family, two parents with two kids ("And maybe even a dog in the future," Burt promised), but the first time he'd heard Kurt call her mom... it was just a surprise. He was down with sharing her because his mom had so much love in her heart and he wanted her to be really happy, but to know that Kurt loved her that much; it was just really nice, okay? He wasn't at the stage where he could call Burt his dad, but not because he didn't love the guy; he figured it was a dude thing.
Anyway, Finn joined in with Musical Monday, and with a glass of warm milk in one hand and a huge bowl of popcorn in the other, he prepared himself for whatever was coming.
"Tonight's choice is a Broadway gem by the name of Jane Eyre." Kurt set up the DVD player while Carole gushed about how much she loved the book, and Finn simply shrugged his shoulders at Burt and got to work on the popcorn; there were probably worse things in the world.
During the speech about invisible tethers and stuff, Finn had been reminded of this musical/book/whatever the hell it was. Though he was pretty sure he'd had an impromptu nap while they watched it and had missed most of what was going on (unless it was just super boring and he couldn't remember it), he remembers something, even if he isn't exactly sure what it is.
If I had a string under my ribs
Knotted to you, connecting our frames
I'd be afraid that many a mile
Would sever the tie
And I would take to bleeding inwardly
That's it, that's what he was thinking about! Another link comes up, and he guesses the quote is from the book, and it's insane how similar the two concepts are, the tether and the string.
I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you - especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly.
What has he done? He'd known, as soon as the words had been spoken during the service, that he'd made a mistake in dating Quinn again because what Coach Sylvester had written, what Mr Schue had read out, doesn't apply to them, and never really has. He loves her, but as he rubs angrily at his tears, he realises that his love isn't enough if he loves her as just a friend.
When he'd first heard the whole heart strings thing (he'd been awake at that point, and that was something in itself), Finn had just started dating Quinn for the second time, and he'd tried to put all of the Rachel stuff behind him. The words of Rochester (he was the guy who screwed with Jane just to make her jealous and stuff, and he was a bit of a dick) hadn't had any real impact on him at the time. He understood what the dude was saying, he did, but he didn't think that that kind of love could exist, a love where your soul was bound to another so strongly. At the time, he'd thought of Quinn briefly and had checked for any sign of an invisible string on his heart, and when he couldn't feel it, he dismissed the whole thing.
He hadn't applied it to Rachel though, and that was his fucking downfall. He should have known, during that first week of their reunion, that things weren't right if he didn't feel that kind of connection with Quinn, but he'd just pushed it aside and forced a smile. He hadn't felt the same rush as with Rachel, the same intensity as with Rachel, but his love for Rachel had screwed him up so bad, so maybe it had been a good thing that he'd moved onto Quinn? Maybe it had been for the best that he couldn't conjure up a real passion for her?
He knows what he has to do now, but it's his fault that it has to happen when he should never have started it in the first place; he should never have dated Quinn again. He bangs his head against the steering wheel with an angry, teary sigh. If he'd dealt with the issues between him and Rachel instead of running back to the blonde, he wouldn't need to do this for a second time; he's failed Quinn, and she doesn't deserve it at all.
Course, then she appears, telling him how proud she is, and when he feels nothing in his heart apart from a pang of guilt, he knows he has to bite the bullet and get it over with.
"Why are you crying?" she asks, and this is fucking typical; normally she doesn't give a crap about him, but now that he has to, you know, finish it, she's suddenly interested, and that only helps to confuse him some more.
"Because I'm breaking up with you." He has a speech planned, sort of, and what he wants to say is that he loves her, he does, but not in the way that counts (or at least, not in the way she needs). He wants to say that he's sorry for using her as a rebound, and he wants to say that he's sorry for making her cheat on Sam (he's really sorry about that 'cause Sam's a good guy and the two of them used to be so happy together (Quinn and Sam, not Sam and Finn, just to clear that up)).
He doesn't get the chance though, 'cause naturally, the first thing she asks is, "Because of Rachel? Because you still love her?"
And okay, that's part of the reason, he's finally figured that crap out. The whole invisible tether thing? That's the pain he keeps feeling in his heart whenever Rachel's around, or whenever he remembers her, 'cause the tether, the string that's tied underneath his ribs, it's always been there, you see? And when they broke up, that didn't change; it just hurt.
Whatever, it's really difficult to explain, especially when Quinn's judging him for being a tool (he wasn't actually going to mention Rachel 'cause that wouldn't be fair on her, would it?).
"I shouldn't have done this with you. I thought that I could fix everything from last year, but I- I can't…" He can finally admit that too. All the chasing and all the games to try and get Quinn back, and all the cockiness (and douchiness, he can't get over the Sam thing) was an attempt to cover the fact that he was, and still is, dying inside. Yeah, it sounds overdramatic and intense, but that's how he feels, and the funeral has just reminded him of that (not that he could ever really forget).
It's not just about Rachel though, and he doesn't think that Quinn will ever understand that. Even if he wasn't still in love with the tiny brunette, he'd still be breaking up with her because they just don't work; it's bearable, but that's not what love is supposed to feel like.
"And that feeling that Sue was talking about in there of being tethered to someone… I just don't feel that way about you."
"But you do with her?"
He closes his eyes, he grimaces and another tear falls down his cheek; isn't she listening? Hasn't she been in this relationship for however long it's been? Surely she's realised that their dynamic isn't right, isn't comfortable?
He wants to yell at her, he wants to bang his fists on the wheel and shout IT ISN'T ABOUT RACHEL! But she'd just hear Rachel's name and assume the rest; she does that a lot, he's noticed.
"No. We're not breaking up. I can handle your confusion with Rachel until you get over it." Confusion, that's almost funny, apart from the fact that it just wants to make him cry even more. "And next year we'll be prom king and queen and-"
"Just stop it, 'kay? I don't want that life." That he's sure of. He humoured her with the junior prom because he couldn't face up to his feelings for Rachel, and he humoured her with almost everything, and God, that's not how a healthy relationship works.
You know what really pisses him off? Rachel always manages to sneak into the conversation, and usually it's Quinn who brings her up; does that mean she knows? She knows, deep down (or maybe not even that deep, he's not sure) that he's in love with Rachel, she's known forever, and yet she continued, continues even, to cling onto him like a lost child.
And then in one flash of a second, he remembers something, and it stings like an absolute bitch.
I was wrong, I shouldn't try to control you. I just... I've never been this happy before and I realised that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now, in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.
He'd flown free, right into Quinn's cage, and she'd kept him tightly in her grasp when Rachel had done the exact opposite; he sees red.
"Don't you feel anything anymore? This is real. This is happening."
One tear rolls down Quinn's cheek, and God, the way she looks at him hurts almost as much as the fact that she isn't Rachel, that it isn't her who's been by his side for the past few weeks, months, whatever. "Are you happy now? Is this me 'feeling' enough for you?"
This isn't what he wants though. He wanted to break up with her in a calm and kind of collected way, without drama and without shouting, and he didn't mean to snap at her because he has so much more to say, so many more apologies to give. "Quinn, I'm sorry, I still love you-" Which is the truth, you know, but it's that fucking friend love again.
"Don't touch me!"
And then she's gone, and then Finn cries a little more because he had a shot to handle it well, just like he'd planned in his head, and he messed up.
He looks up, out of the window like he's supposed to, and there's Rachel, and he's sure that the invisible tether just told him she was coming; he has a lot of work to do.
8. I love my brother
The funeral takes place on a Monday, and after the kids get to leave school early, Finn sits in his room, waiting for the words 'Musical Monday!' to seep into the air. Instead, there's a knock on his bedroom door, and after a grunt that's supposed to sound like 'come in', Kurt appears, looking a little anxious.
"You're not okay, are you?" If Finn wasn't feeling so lousy, he would have laughed; Kurt knows him too well.
"Not really. I broke up with Quinn today."
"I know; good news travels fast." Kurt smiles at his brother, but Finn doesn't smile back because it isn't good news, not for either of them. "Sorry, I didn't mean-"
"No, s'cool man, don't worry about it."
"We won't have Musical Monday tonight, okay?" Kurt takes a few steps forward and rests his hand on Finn's shoulder, squeezing him slightly. "Just deal with your problems, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you Finn."
The two say goodbye, and fucking hell, he starts to cry again.
9. Too late
Finn's learnt a lot of stuff over the past two years, most of which has just disappeared from his brain (mainly math stuff, he really can't do math). One of the most important things, or at least, applicable to right now, is about taking things slow. When he broke up with Rachel (the second time; wow, he really is screwed up when it comes to relationships), he bounced straight back to Quinn without working on himself. He should have given himself some Finn Hudson time (not jacking off time, he's always left room for that) to try and come to terms with being on his own, you know? He should have worked on his flaws and insecurities, and most of all, he should have tried to sort things out with Rachel instead of running from their problems.
That's part of the reason things with Quinn didn't work out again, 'cause thinking about it, they never sat down to discuss what the hell happened the first time, did they? That probably would have helped, and he would have trusted her more and she would have trusted him and-
There's no point dwelling on it 'cause he's already failed.
It's not too late with Rachel though. He loves her, and apparently always has done (even if he's an idiot and hasn't realised for so long), but he needs to set things right, and he needs to be her best friend and her biggest fan, before all of the boyfriend stuff. Right? Right, okay, he's going for it. He even brings a tulip with him as a kind of peace offering, even if they're technically friends again, and he just wants to let her know that if she gets the big solo, he's gonna be cheering for her loudest of all. He might not be big enough for New York City, and maybe they're not destined for greater things together, but he wants to find out, by her side.
He looks everywhere but there's no sign of her anywhere. He tries the choir room and the janitor's closet (just in case) and everywhere he can think of until he's standing outside the auditorium; he knows she's in there (special heart strings are pretty awesome you know).
Deep breath, one two, deep breath, three four. He opens the door, and thank God, she's standing there but-
But so is Jesse. He's probably just telling her about her winning the solo or something, or he's probably just saying bye before he runs back to wherever the hell he came from.
He kisses her, and his heart shatters inside his chest; he's too late after all. Rachel and Jesse leave, and though Finn's heart is broken into hundreds, probably thousands of pieces, he can still feel the tug of their tether.
10. I'm gonna fight you for her, St. James, I PROMISE
Emergency meeting; maybe Mr Schue's realised how much of a dick Jesse is, and maybe he's about to kick his ass? That's probably wishful thinking, but Finn holds it together long enough to sit through whatever it is. He blocks out most of the stuff the creep says (though when he hears the word 'kill' he gets stupidly optimistic), and okay, so even though he wants to break into song to tell everyone how awesome Rachel is, he smiles, actually smiles, because Mr Schue has finally done it; he's stood up for himself.
"We're going back to what got us here; original songs sung by the entire club." He looks around at them all, and Finn kinda wants to run forward and hug the guy. "We're a team, and we work best when we act as one."
"You're going to lose."
Fucking Jesse with his fucking-
"Whatever we do, we're going to do it together."
Hell yeah Mr Schue! You know how he was proud of the club, and of Rachel? Another moment to add to the imaginary list is this one; Finn's so proud of their teacher, even if that sounds really weird. This is what he loves about glee club, and as far as he's concerned, that counts as a loss for Jesse (another one; remember that totally awesome time when Finn told him that they were helping with the funeral? Yeah, Finn remembers too). It might seem insignificant, but this minor win counts towards his self confidence, and if he can start to feel good about himself, Finn can make Rachel his.
You know, in a way that doesn't sound sexist and stuff.
They're going to New York, Rachel's dream city, and Finn's pretty sure that karma is giving him a thumbs up (possibly, he's not entirely sure he understands that yet).
Things are messed up, he's always known that, but Finn's gonna reclaim his voice and reclaim his girl, that he knows for sure.
He turns to Quinn and thanks for her not bailing on the club.
"If I quit glee club, my big plans for New York would have been ruined."
Uh... "What plans?"
She smiles sweetly. "You'll see."
Oh crap.
Reviews would be super splendid if you have the time :')