The floorboards creak slightly under her feet as she steps out of her bedroom and into the living area of her flat.
This is new. He never stays the night anymore, always gone before she wakes in the morning, with the weight of his body still imprinted on her pillow and her sheets. She always swears she can still smell his scent even after he leaves.
Tonks walks towards him now, suddenly feeling naked, too exposed and shy in her threadbare nightgown, and she can't help pulling her sleeves down over her hands. It's silly of course, considering what they had been doing just a few hours ago, but he's sitting there now on her old grey futon fully dressed once again in his slacks and robes and shoes to boot. Already prepared to leave again.
He's so much thinner now, so much greyer now, and so much more lined that her heart aches and she longs to reach for him. But she doesn't.
"Wotcher," she says.
He turns his head slightly towards her, acknowledging her presence, and pauses for a moment before folding up the piece of parchment he'd been reviewing and pocketing it.
"Morning," he replies, his voice husky and worn.
Morning. If it can even be called that. It's barely half past four, and the sun hasn't even risen fully, but she swallows and nods. He'll be leaving soon. She can feel her throat tighten and her eyes getting hot. "Yeah." It doesn't come out like she wants, so she clears her throat.
Remus rises to his feet. "I should be going," he says. He meets her eyes for a split second but that's all she needs to take her back to last night when she'd found him on her doorstep. He had told her that he was fine, that he was coping, and that the truth of the camps was nowhere near as horrid or feral as Molly or Mad-Eye made it out to be.
His eyes, however, told a completely different story. Those amber orbs that she'd fallen so in love with had lost their warmth and life, and nothing he could say otherwise would stop her from seeing how broken he truly was. He looked hollow.
Oh merlin, what had they done to him?
It's the same look he's wearing now, and she hates herself for thinking it, but it's how she knows that nothing's changed. They'd found refuge in each other's arms last night, limbs tangled together in the sheets. She'd felt so safe there, wrapped in his embrace, feeling his weight above her, and for just a moment, she'd let herself imagine that everything would be alright.
They'd held each other against the war and the world.
Tonks nods again. Of course he's leaving. She tells herself she'd been expecting this, but it still aches. Deep down inside, she'd been wondering if it'd hurt less to get the chance to say good-bye than to wake up in an empty bed. It doesn't.
"Do you have somewhere to be?" she asks, and she hopes the shakiness in her voice isn't as noticeable to him as it is to her.
"I've got a meeting with Dumbledore," Remus answers. "We have to discuss a few… things."
She hates how strained it is between them now. Oh, how she wishes she could push things further, to have him really talk to her, confide in her like they used to. But everything's changed now and she can't.
"Okay," she breathes, and forces a smile. Her throat is tight again, so she tries to take a deep breath. "I - I'm …" There's so much she wants to say to him, she's had it all planned out in the time she's spent missing him. I love you. I've missed you. Can't you stay with me just this one time? But now that he's here and he's leaving, she finds that the words just won't come.
"... I hope you have a safe trip."
It feels so small, so inconsequential compared to everything she wants to tell him. But she can feel the welling begin behind her eyes, and she thinks that if she says anything more her tears may fall over.
And she doesn't want him to see her cry again.
"Thank you," Remus says softly, and he makes his way towards her door.
The door is already halfway open when he turns back again to face her. "And thank you, for last night." His gaze drops to his feet. "I know I probably shouldn't have, but..."
"No, no, it's fine," she reassures him. "I enjoyed the company."
Remus looks as though he wants to say more, but seems to think better of it, and he settles on giving a curt nod, a quiet "Good-bye, Dora", and pulling the door closed softly behind him.
The tears spill freely down her cheeks the moment the door clicks shut, and Tonks rushes across the room towards her window, hoping to catch one last glimpse of him in front of her flat building before he apparates.
She drags the silk sleeve of her robe across her face, and it is a few moments before she sees his lone figure, illuminated by the faint yellows of the street lights.
He takes a few steps away from the building before turning his head back to look for her window, and her heart catches as he meets her gaze. Remus gives her a small smile that she knows can't truly reach the depth of his beautiful eyes, and he raises his hand in a slight wave.
Tonks presses her fingers to her lips and blows him kisses from her window. I love you, I love you. He mouths something back, but his voice can't reach her from here. She knows what he's said though, and there's that painful aching feeling again in her chest.
He loves her, as he always has, but it can't happen. Nothing's changed.